Up, up and away

The city budget is out, and quelle surprise, my municipal taxes are going up about 4%.

Well, how can I complain? All the services provided by the city are SO MUCH BETTER. Right?

I said, am I right?

(Cue the lonely crickets in the still of the night)

Crunch, munch

On the bus tonight, I sat across from a teenager who was enjoying, and I mean enjoying, a bag of Doritos.

For 15 minutes, the intoxicating nacho cheese flavour filled my nostrils.

It was like Satan himself decided I should fail at Resolution No. 7.

EVIL, I tells ya.

Resolution No. 9

I've brought my lunch for the second day in a row.

This makes up for the fact that I was delinquent during the first work week of the year.

I'm now on track for keeping my Resolution. I am so great.

Romantic Male Box - Update

Remember the guy I was supposed to meet 2 weeks ago at Tim's, the one whose car wouldn't start in the cold?

Well, I got an email last night. A supplicating email. He's so sorry he's been so busy, etc., etc.

I'll be nice when I respond, but the message will be "you snooze, you lose".
signed,
Miss Too Too Popular of the North

Coo Coo Ka Choo, Mrs. Robinson

In case you are wondering, I'm luvin' the Northern Ireland sex scandal. Yeah, baby.

She was 60, he was 19.

Three words: You go, girl.

Aunt o' the week

Today is the 80th birthday of my auntie who lives in Calgary.

I asked her if she had any special plans. She said not really, but she would definitely mark the day with a Crown Royal.

Don Draper would approve. Carry on.

Alec

Ok. So Alec Baldwin is:
a) fat
b) hairy.

Is this worth the price of admission? I dunno, to each his or her own. But I can imagine a certain someone buying the DVD and re-running two or three short scenes over and over and over.

The cinema was packed, but I did not overhear any moans of pleasure from the back row so I assume there wasn't anybody I know in attendance.

I cannot get over how fat Alec is.

In New Year's news, I brought my lunch from home today, so Resolution No. 9 is covered for this week. I am so great.

Tip o' the week

Today at IGA, overheard this conversation between two young male clerks who were stocking shelves:

Dude 1: Hey, wanna hear about a new drink?
Dude 2: What?
Dude 1: A new drink. Canadian Club and ginger ale.
Dude 2: Oh yeah?
Dude 1: Yeah. It goes down like ginger ale and it really fucks you up.

I don't know what is funnier that it fucks you up or that Canadian Club and ginger ale is "new".

Don Draper would approve. Carry on.

I Slept! I Slept!

I slept from 11:00 until 7:00 without once waking up during the night! It's time to sing from the rafters:

Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah!
For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth!
Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah!

(Handel must've been an insomniac.)


P.S. I made a hilarious typo that I should've left in (but being an "editor" I had to correct). I had written the Lord Gord. If I was thanking the Lord Gord, I would've sung the Canadian Railway Trilogy.

WWAD?

Very successful date with the Big Bosnian last night.
Very successful date with Nickname Pending last Sunday.

One week, two great guys.

What would Angelina do?

(I'm still waiting to wake up from this great dream.)

Joseph and his head, reunited and it feels so good

Ta da. There ya go, Joe. Back in one piece.
Now he looks like he's wearing a black velvet choker from the 60's, like Melanie.
Let's all sing: I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key.

For anyone who cares to know, this figurine was purchased in the 1950's and was made in Italy. Stuff like this just doesn't exist anymore. It's practically a Bellini. Well maybe not.

The Big Red One is in a sulk today because he has nobody to decapitate. He's asleep and no doubt dreaming of next December. Kill! Kill!

Slept a little

Managed to sleep from 1:00 until 7:00. I feel a bit recovered, but my eyes still look something like the Grinch's heart, two sizes too small.

An afternoon nap is on the menu.

This morning I have to finish packing away the Xmas tree and decorations. Joseph's head still needs to be glued back on, and Mary is still MIA after 4 days. I can't find her anywhere.

My search for the missing BVM has led me to realize that also on the agenda for this morning is vacuuming under every piece of furniture. It's not decluttering per se, but it's enough housecleaning to qualify for a good deed under Resolution No. 8.

Wide Awake

Had dinner with a couple of the girls last night. To finish the meal, two of us ordered decafs since we cannot sleep if we have regular. We drank our coffees.

At 1:00 a.m., I started to suspect those weren't decafs.

At 3:05 a.m., I was pretty well sure those weren't decafs.

When the alarm went off, I was in a daze. I came to work. My colleague comes into my office and says "I didn't sleep AT ALL last night. I'm exhausted. I'm sure those weren't decafs."

I had already had insomnia Sunday and Monday. So I've slept one night out of four this week.

I'm taking tomorrow off work. I have a "date" with a Large Bosnian tomorrow night. I need all of Friday to sleep, lest I look even worse than I feel, and I feel pretty darn bad.

Not busy right now

I'll share a little anecdote since I am between tasks now.

On Sunday afternoon, when I arrived at Nickname Pending's place, he had put on some music. I didn't really notice what it was, a mix of some kind. We were sitting on the couch, chatting, and then You've Got A Friend, by James Taylor, a.k.a. the Voice of a Slow Painful Death, came on.

(Important detail: Nickname Pending is a bit younger* than me.)

After a minute, I stopped and asked: Do you really listen to this? He looked worried and said in a meek voice: I thought you'd like it.

Anyone who knows me can just imagine my face at that moment.

In a flash, NP was off the couch and at his computer looking for a new mix. He sat back on the couch, the Beastie Boys came on. And all was well.

P.S. This morning, lying awake listening to CBC before dragging my carcass out of bed, You've Got a Friend came on. That dreadful song is going to haunt me all week.

*Okay, fine, quite a bit younger.

I confess

I confess I have been delinquent in reading Mr. Chris Kelly's columns. So I'm catching up over lunch at my desk.

The line: "he understands the Bible like a turtle humping a shoe" made me LOL. Literally.

It was like in a movie. I went HAW! and then slapped my hand over my mouth. Why do we do this? Do we think we can stuff the laugh back in? It escaped and loudly. No turning back.

Chris appears to know everything about Mary, the mother of Jesus. Any questions on the nomenclature of the BVM? He's your man.

Important Memo to JAW Fan

On Saturday I shall be seeing the Meryl Streep/Alec Baldwin comedy.

Please advise if I need to report back only on how many juicy flank shots there are, or whether you require a thorough evaluation of all incidents of exposed Baldwin skin.

Thanks for your cooperation.

The Second Coming

You know there is all that talk about the world ending in 2012, Nostradamus and the Aztecs and all that ooga booga shit.

It's wrong. The world is ending in 2010. The universe has spun onto its head, and nothing is as it was. I'm taking to quoting Yeats, the centre cannot hold. et cetera.

I'm now facing the prospect of having 2 boyfriends. In 49 effing years on planet Earth this has never happened. My sister says it's like an Archie comic, and I'm dating at Riverdale High.

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.

Nickname Pending has informed from under the pile of papers on his desk, that the first available day where he can escape his overworked, stressed-out job is a day just for us.

Meanwhile, the Big Bosnian with whom I saw the John Woo movie last month, has resurfaced with a supplicating email. We must meet for coffee and there I will tell him if I want him. He hopes so.

"The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned; "

Wow, I'd forgotten how much I love this poem.

Argh!

I hate Georgia. I hate idiots who live in the state of Georgia*. I hate idiot southern racists. I hate, I hate, I hate.

I hope that whoever did this effigy thing drops dead. I'm so digusted by this.

Sick fucks.

*Greg, if you're reading, this is obviously not you, but of course you know that.

Resolution No. 3, Part Deux

Pigs are flying.
Hell has frozen over solid.


I had 2, count 'em, 2 dates this weekend. Thank you, craigslist.


Craigslist is indeed full of pervs, creeps, nakeds, speedos and general weirdos (i.e. friends of Mitch D. fer instance) but with a decent bull**** detector and some patience, it is possible to uncover a few decent men.


Today I met another, Nickname Pending, and he was a doll. But the polar opposite of the gentleman last night. They had only one thing in common: Both of them helped me put on my coat. Last night, it was clear this was Standard Operating Procedure for the nice older man. Today, when Nickname Pending, helped me with my coat he said "I saw this in a movie once". I'm such a pushover for goofy guys with funny lines.

Resolution No. 3

Survived my movie date tonight. A very nice man, older than me, with a voice like a South Asian James Earl Jones.

I don't plan to see him again, but when we parted he said: "We WILL see each other again". I just couldn't say "we'll see" in my meek little doofus voice.

A Single Man is a terrific movie. Really stylish, and Julianne Moore is terrific. It has one of the most hilarious attempted suicide scenes ever. That's saying something.

Inglourious Basterd Cat

The Big Red One went medieval on the manger this morning. Joseph got more than scalped.

Being a traditionalist, I usually try to keep the tree up until Epiphany, but that's looking unlikely at the moment.

I Resolve -- 2010 edition

Happy Snowy New Year's Day to all, unless it's sunny and hot where you are, and probably already January 2 by now. In that case, I am a day late, but the sentiment remains the same.

I have compiled my very serious list of Resolutions for this brand new year.

1. Stop adopting other people's cats.
2. Buy new glasses.
(I did this yesterday. Hurray for me. I can cross it off the list. 2010 is already a roaring success.)
3. Go on dates. (Again success. I have a movie date scheduled for tomorrow. But will I be pre-emptively dumped once again? Who knows?)
4. Convince my boss to retire so I can apply for and get her job. (This will NEVER happen but a girl can dream.)
5. Stop procrastinating. (About what? About everthing!)*
6. Become Machiavellian at work. (See 4. above.)

and now the usual suspects:
7. Lose 15 pounds.
8. Declutter the house.
9. Bring a lunch once a week.

and finally I am reviving this one which first appeared in 2007. I need it.
10. Be more mirthful.

*No. 5 is a direct result of the satisfaction gained from having accomplished No. 2. I originally got my prescription for my new lenses in December 2008. When I went back to the eye doctor in December 2009, I had to confess that I never got around to filling the script. The eye doctor shook his head, and I swore to him than when he saw me next December, I would be wearing my new glasses. I even vowed to buy them by the end of the month. Which I managed to accomplish on December 31. And, yeah, it felt good to finally get something done. So that is why No. 5 is on the list.

The two poles of The Bay

I went to The Bay after my half-day's work.

First in ladies wear, I was delighted to find 3 items of work clothes that fit. Any short woman who works in an office and needs clothes will tell you that finding pants/slacks/whatever you call them that fit without hemming (or hawing) is the Holy Grail. And finding 3 pairs? Well, I think I heard the Halleljuah Chorus thundering through the changing room. I happily went to pay.

The cashier at ladies wear was the sourest sour puss I have ever met in my life. In fact, I can now declare her Miss Sourest Sour Puss of 2009. So miserable. I was tempted, as I stepped away with my bag, to tell her if she hates her job that much she should just quit. Just quit, lady. Just leave now.

But then I went to the optical counter (la "lunetterie") to buy new specs and was served by the sweetest young lady in the world. Sweet Alice from Lunetterie. She was so gentle and nice, she made me immediately forget all about that miserable beeeoitch on the 3rd floor. Thanks Alice. New glasses will be ready in just over 2 weeks.

It's the end of the year as we know it

Happy New Year to Australia. Oh, and it's too hot to go out? T.F.B. is all I can say. Oh, that's not nice, I know. But it's actually warm here by Montreal standards today, too. Maybe minus 2, that's not bad.

So another year is winding down (or arounding-up, as I like to say). What can I report? I actually had to do real work until 11:00, so now my work year is done.

I've put in another application to the outfit in London where I applied in 2008. Their acknowledgement stated clearly that "only successful applicants will be contacted". I think we know what that means.......(crickets chirping in the stillness of the night).

I have to work on my New Year's Resolutions now.... more lonely crickets...

Tuesday is Date Nite

I have a "coffee date" tonight. It was supposed to be a movie date, but we couldn't get organized, so it's a great Canadian date, i.e. coffee at Tim Horton's.

This is with a craigslist guy. I put that ad up 2 weeks ago, and it's still bringing in responses. Weird. Men are desperate.

Anyway, it's at the Tim's at Cote Vertu metro at 7:30. His name is Isaac and he's from DDO.

If I do not report in, tell the cops to drag themselves away from their Mafia crime-scene investigation to look for an abducted hot chocolate drinker. Last seen wearing a very heavy winter coat because it's the coldest night of the year and what kind of idiot goes out on a night like this anyway???

UPDATE: At 4:00 p.m. my date just cancelled. He says his car won't start. On any other day, I wouldn't believe him, but today I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'm really glad not to have to go out!

Public Enemies

I love mob stuff. Here is an unintentionally funny quote from a partner of the guy who was killed.

“The poor guy. He tries to do something in his life and, because of his family’s past history, every time he turns around he gets hit with something.”

He gets hit with something? Like 4 to 6 bullets in the chest? That's something.

He Couldn't Refuse

Nothing arounds up the year in the old neighbourhood like a mafia hit.


Post script: What the hell does "arounds up" mean? I was thinking round-up and wind-up but ended-up with arounds-up. I AM A GREAT EDITOR.

Happy Belated Birthday, JAW Fan*

Roses are red
Violets are blue
You were not home
When I called you.

I left a message
on your voice mail
To say Happy Birthday,
but not Sieg Heil.

Why would I say that?
I don't know.
Nothing else rhymes with mail.
I miss NaPoMo.


*Birthday was Dec. 27.

Oink, oink

Yeah, yeah, I ate like a little piglet over Christmas.

Here's a partial list of my presents. See if u can spot the irony:

a) David Kessler's book on why North Americans overeat (I really wanted to read it. seriously.)
b) A recipe book from Weight Watchers.
c) A pound of chocolate... real Cadbury's from the UK.

Hmmm.

And when I got home who was waiting patiently on the railing of the front porch? The Black Cat, of course. Looking no worse for wear. Somebody must've fed him during my absence.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

Talk to you in a few days.

It will be time to diet.

Hooray - Christmas Break

Five glorious days away from work and crazy work people.

Bring on the food!

Christmas Spirit...NOT

At an office party here, one of the ladies got drunk. It happens. (No, it was not me, and I didn’t attend the party in question.)

The following day, she called in sick. People chuckled because everyone knew she was hungover. It happens.

One of her colleagues, who is a superior, BUT NOT her supervisor, was upset about her taking a “sick day” over this. So he went to HR and told them she should have to take a vacation day and not a sick day because she was hungover.

What kind of Anal Retentive Hung-up Control Freak does this?

And he’s a young guy, Canadian, early 30s, not some old foreign fuddy duddy. I can’t get over it. Has he never had a hangover? Does he not know the way one feels the morning after a booze up is “sick”? Who care if it is self-inflicted. You’re still feeling sick. And it’s the Holidays for heaven’s sake!!

What an asshole.

I don’t even know him, but when I see him in the elevator now I think “You are a huge asshole”.

It's Tuesday and NO movie date tonite

Oh well. I had another movie date lined up, but this has fallen through.

After making plans, I asked the guy to confirm that he was indeed single and not a married guy looking for a "discreet encounter". Over the weekend, I had exchanged a few messages with a different man, who then asked if I could be "discreet". Needless to say, that was the end of him.

Anyway, back to the potential date. I was expecting a simple answer like: "yes, I'm single" or "I understand that you are wary of craigslist, so yes I can confirm I'm single". Instead I got a one paragraph rant about how angry he was to be asked this, and he is used to going to movies alone and he will continue to do so and he doesn't need me.

I'm not sure if that meant he was married. Whatever. And they say women are drama queens. Please.

I love this one!

I just got another email in response to my now week-old craigslist ad. Let me quote it in its entirety:

"Hi, I’m interested in movie companionship."

Somehow I am managing to resist this delectable offer.

Hello, Sailor, interested in a little movie companionship?

A Christmas Story

I got up this Sunday morning, and once again, the manger had been ransacked during the night. And my worst fear had come true: Bebe Jesus was declared MIA.
The donkey was also gone.

The sadistic culprit returned to bat the cow around a bit more.

His work done, the culprit exited stage right.

I searched and searched and eventually found the BeJe under a chair swaddled in dust bunnies. (No photo available. I have some shame.) The donkey turned up too. All parties accounted for, harmony returned to the nativity scene.

The End....OR IS IT????

Cat does not = Elf

The Big Red One has turned his back on Christmas. So there.

For a week now, he has been ransacking the manger both day and night. I'm calling it my Tarantino Manger because every night when I get home from work, the bodies are strewn everywhere, Mary, Joseph, the donkey, the cow, all over the place. The Bebe Jesus has yet to get swatted into the dining room, but it's only a matter of time, methinks.
But for now, The Big One rests....



And yes that is a magazine with Johnny Depp on the cover. What? Doesn't everybody sleep next to a picture of Johnny Depp? How else can one ensure sweet dreams...

It's over

We took Boozy the Spy out for lunch today. And we had a very pleasant time with her.

She has left us her email address and invited each of us to stay with her if ever we are visiting her part of the world.

She lives in the south of Spain. Near a beach. Arriba.

That's the best offer I've had in months.

Work Update

We had one-on-one evaluations from Boozy the Spy, our consultant, today. I can't believe that Friday is her last day with us already. What a weird 5 weeks it's been.

BtS told me that I was a very good editor BUT I am sloppy with the small details. I do not pay attention to the small stuff. I could not agree more.

Later I had a flashback to my mother reviewing my Grade 2 homework and saying: You make sloppy mistakes because you AREN'T paying attention.

It's like that 7-Up series of documentaries. The way I was at age 7 is the same as I am now at almost 49-Up. Interesting. I'm an old dog and you can't teach me new tricks. woof.

I'm alive

I survived and enjoyed the movie. It's big, it's an epic, it's Chinese. It's a big Chinese epic. Lots and lots of blood, and more spears, catapults and arrows than anyone can count. More dead bodies too. And typhoid as a weapon. Wily.

My date was a very nice fellow. There was no lurve connection, but he seemed smart and interested in history. I'd see another movie with him but I don't expect to hear from him again. Alas.

I guess I can rate my craigslist adventure as a success. I don't know if I want to go through it again, tho. I had two new emails when I got home tonight. Talk about trying your luck at the last minute.

Here we go

So I am off to Red Chill at 6:40 at the Forum. I am putting this info out there in case I don't report back tomorrow.

"The victim was last seen entering the Forum around 6 o'clock and was wearing a black jacket and a violet scarf."

The guy's name is Sasha and from the photo has black hair and seems quite chunky*.

I'm betting it's 50/50 whether he actually shows up or not. But I'm still seeing Red Chill. yay.

(*JAW Fan, stop drooling.)

On-line adventure update

I got another 8 emails overnight. I'm still wading through them and can't answer them. Some guy in Chicago thinks he's my best friend now. He's even invited me to the Windy City. I've never been to Chicago....hmm.

Anyway, one candidate has emerged as the most normal and fun sounding. So we shall exchange some more messages tonight, and quite possibly actually see this darn movie together tomorrow.

All pretty freakin' strange, this whole experience has been.

Yesterday, some guy sent me a picture of himself in a Speedo. I kid you not. This alone should be enough to have JAW Fan scrambling to get on craigslist.

Oh No Silvio

You know I hate Berlusconi as much as the next sane person does, but this assault was a bit extreme.

All that blood. It looked like a Scorsese movie. Poor Silvio. Perhaps some young nubiles will tend to his wounds.

As the guy on t.v. this morning said, why didn't they just throw a pie?

Today's on-line adventure

There's a new John Woo movie out called Red Cliff starring my fave Tony Leung.

I want to see it this week, and I decided to try an experiment. So I put an ad on ..... Craigslist.

Here is my ad:
"I'm a white female, 48, who is interested in seeing the movie Red Cliff at AMC this week, preferably Tuesday when it is cheap LOL. I'm a fan of Tony Leung and John Woo. I usually see this kind of movie alone, but this time I thought why not ask if there is any man out there interested in seeing it with me.
I'd prefer to meet a man under 48 years of age, Asian would be nice, but not necessary. If we get along, good; if we don't, at least we've seen the movie. :) "

Pretty straightforward, right? So far (i.e. about 2 hours on) I have received 7 responses, 2 of which seem normal and I plan on answering them. Neither of them is Asian. The others? I've got a 24-year-old Vietnamese guy with the tallest spikiest hair I have ever seen in my life. It's a great photo, trust me. And I got a guy who I can only assume is a "professional" as he has sent me a photo of his very large ...wang. Which part of the ad did he not understand?

I'd always heard that Craigslist was an adventure. And so it is.

UPDATE: This is fascinating. Look at this normal message I received:
"hi there,
In case you have not found anyone yet (which I doubt, where do I take a number?), here's a 39 y/o white male who would be willing to catch that movie. Tuesday actually works for me, in the evening preferably. So if you are still looking, let me know".

I googled his email address to see if there was anything about him, and turns out he's an escort! The Internet is a scary place.

Christmas Time is here

"This tree appears to adequately serve my needs for something

under which to lounge".

-- The Big Red Elf.

Tiger, tiger burning bright

This Tiger Woods story isn't going away, is it? It's got real legs.

The Gazette had a full page of Tiger stories today. It's up to 9 mistresses now. But. And this is a big but, every one that I have read about has raved about what a great lover Tiger is.

Face it, Tiger's life could be much worse.

Mr. Blackie gets his dream house

Crazy Cat Lady reporting in.

The Black Cat has not gone away. He is more a part of my life than ever. So much so that I have built him his very own outdoor shelter for the cold winter months, starting with tomorrow's first storm of the season.

It's lined with insulation and has a comfy flannel floor. He is effing spoiled. Here are two photos. One of the Big Red One taking the shelter-in-progress for a test drive, and then Mr. D. fighting off Big Red for the coveted space.

Yes I am insane. But Blackie will be safe and warm.

Hooray

The deadline for the mega-urgent work task that has been making me miserable for 4 weeks has inexplicably been pushed back.

No idea why, and I don't care. Now it can be finished in January, or maybe even February, I have been told. Who knows what this is all about?

For me this only means two things: No more overtime, and more bloggin' time.

It's a win-win.

Another December Tradition

Dag nabbit. For the 2nd year in a row, the Food Bank people rang my doorbell when I was in the shower.

What are the odds? On a Saturday when I am home all day (like today, incidentally, WORKING from home on my stupid short deadline project grrr), the time that I'm going to be unable to answer the door is about, say, 15-20 minutes in the entire day.

And yet. Again this year, that's when they show up.

Making a note for 2010, first Saturday in December: "Do not bathe until Food Bank people have come by. "

Christmas Time is officially here

I have seen the seasonal Chia Pet commercial twice now.

This year's noteworthy innovation is the SpongeBob Chia cause he needs some grass growing on top of his head.

Also, there's a new one that you can put a flashing light on top of. Apparently this makes it "festive".

I'm all for "festive".

And in Winter Weather News (my annual obsession): It's December 4 and still no snow on the ground. This is my Christmas prezzie from Mother Nature. How many days can we go without snow? wheee.

Tiger, tiger

It's pretty hard to avoid Tiger these days, what with him fessin' up to his naughty behaviour.

I have just one hope. Now that the cat (get it?) is out of the bag, I hope Tiger goes The Full John Daly on us.

I want him to get a beer gut, and be drunk in public, be photographed smoking cigarettes like a maniac, and still keep playing golf. People will love him for it.

He should also get divorced and become a serial marrier. Four or five wives. Really trashy ones. But should he stay married, he and his wife should go the Glen Campell/Tanya Tucker route. Public brawls. Drunken fights in hotel lobbies. Let it all hang out.

Tiger will be a whole lot more fun if he does all that.

Personal Note to Mr. Anonymous

Please keep in mind that in 2011 we both will be marking a Big Birthday. Something special will be required to celebrate this.

Three words: The Grand Barn.

http://www.the-grand-barn.com/tgb.html

Really slow news weekend

Headline of the day goes to the Times of London:

Crouching Tiger, hidden hydrant.

You would swear that Woods is the first guy in history to have his wife attack him with a golf club. Doesn't this happen every day?

2009? pfffft It's already so over

It's an early start to the New Year.

Work is in turmoil, and I'm living on junk food, with predictable results. So yesterday, rock bottom day, I decided to get an early start on my New Year's resolutions in a valiant attempt to get life under control before it becomes all about sleepless nights and an additional 5 pounds to lose.

I feel like I've been in a hitchcockian spiral for too long. It has to end.

2010 starts for me next Tuesday, December 1.

A propos of nothing much

I am an avid obituary reader. I can't even blame this on middle age. I've always read 'em.

So imagine my delight when I spotted one today where the deceased's nickname "Big Sexy" is featured prominently. Like, right in the heading of the obit. Not just in the body of the thing. It's like part of his official name.

I may have to reconsider. Maybe I don't want to be known as the Mastermind behind [blank], maybe I want to be known as "Big Sexy".

I'm likin' this idea.

Half a Day Off

Boozy the Spy did not schedule a meeting for this morning, so I've done the natural thing. Taken the morning off! Whee.

I slept in as late as the cats would let me, i.e. a whole hour. I slurped coffee while skimming the NY Times on-line, and I shall pop by the "guichet" to pay some bills before heading for the office.

I also washed out the litter boxes so as to feel that I did do some constructive manual labour in my time off.

I'm still not sure what this whole consultancy scheme is going to accomplish, if anything. It has put some zing into our normally routine office life. There is that.

Buzzzzz

I am a Busy Bee.

No time to blog.

This is not fun.

Things get interesting in a good way (for a change)

In the continuing saga of the workplace....turns out that Boozy the Spy used to be the head of the department in Head Office in NYC where I applied twice last year and was rudely rejected. She's been retired for 8 years.

So I sat down with her and asked: what is it you people want? What did I do wrong? What do I have to do?

She was eager to hear me out and gave me a plan of action for getting my foot in the door in the right dept in NYC while avoiding the nasty, nasty people in their HR department. I was very excited by this prospect.

So call me Quisling. I am now consorting with the "enemy". Also, she is a direct path to The Phantom and my opportunity to get my name on his radar. If I impress Boozy, I will impress The Phantom.

Suddenly, I'm a playa. How did that happen?

The Spy Who Loves Me

I had a long talk with my boss, Mrs. David Brent, today. I dunno what to think. Now the story is that her boss, The Phantom, wants to e-x-p-a-n-d our department, add new jobs and promote the existing staff.

As Charo used to say: Do ju think I was born tomorrow?

In her clumsy, unguarded way, she basically told me that in 5 or 6 years, I (Nanuk of the North, the Mastermind behind [blank]) will be the boss of this expanded department.

She also let slip who she thinks will get the short end of the stick, and it's the colleague I am closest to and trust the most. One who is actually a close friend. Nice, eh?

All this to say that our consultant, Boozy the Spy, is here to provide us (or... some of us) with the advance training that will give us an advantage in getting the promotions that are coming in the magical-land-of-Oz-expanded-department of the future. She's here to HELP us.

Tra-la-la. Let us all dream pretty dreams. I want a pony!

Stop me if you've heard this one

My boss (let's call her Mrs. David Brent) has to retire. Now. Before she destroys us all through her incompetence.

Yesterday, she called a "quick" meeting to inform us that her boss, the guy we still have not been introduced to after 3 1/2 months (i.e. the Phantom), hired a "consultant" to do a "review" of our department. Without telling Mrs. Brent.

My colleague said: She's a Spy. The Phantom has sent in a spy.

The spy started yesterday. She was already in the building when we had our little meeting to inform us of her arrival. The Spy is allegedly going to watch us do our jobs, "coach" us and even assign us tests and assignments. Fuck that shit! We've all been in our jobs more than 10 years, and now we're going to be tested? We were all tested when we got these jobs. We will soon be beating a path down to the ombudsman's office.

Mrs. Brent told us: "Don't bother going ballistic. When I was told, I went ballistic for ALL of us!" Knowing how she cowers in the face of all authority, I would imagine her version of going ballistic was to chew her pencil and look nervously around the room.
My other colleague wondered why the Phantom would've brought the Spy in without Mrs. Brent's knowledge. I said: when you know someone's a dud, you work around them.

On the lighter side, after we were introduced to the Spy, who is a retired British lady, my colleague said: "She looks like somebody who enjoys a drink". This was said in an approving way.
The next 5 weeks should be interesting.

Mastermind

Ever since Khaled Sheik Mohammed's trial in NYC was announced, I have lost count of the number of times I have heard "Khaled Sheik Mohammed, the Mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks".

I like that title. I want to be known as the Mastermind behind [blank].

Behind something. I don't know what.

So when people talk about me, I want them to say "you mean, Nanuk of the North? the Mastermind behind [blank]?"

It doesn't have to be diabolical.

Anything at all.

Lou has left the building

Whoo hoo. Lou Dobbs quit CNN. I didn't watch his final appearance but I'm sure he was in a huff of some kind.

I won't miss him. Maybe Lou will retire to Mexico? hardy har har.

Will this make me watch CNN more? No. I turned it on yesterday and that dim bulb Tony Harris was trying to look serious and "interested". I just could not take him. Why does that nitwit still have a job?

Remembrance Day

My nephew is a guest speaker at his old high school today.

As a reservist, he was asked by one of his former teachers to sit up front on the panel to represent the guys in uniform. But over the weekend one of the speakers dropped out, so my nephew got the call and was asked to speak.

He is the 4th generation of our family to join the forces either actively at war (WWI: my grandfather and WW2: my father) or as a reservist (my bro-in-law).

I read his speech. And it is pretty good. I'm sure he will do well. He is not afraid of public speaking, unlike his aunt.

Thumbs Down

I was upset to see the story on the news last night that some asshole vandalized the cenotaph in Fredericton.

Some people really are scum.

Why I want the job.

I’ve been in the same department for 10 years. My boss is a lovely compassionate woman, but frankly, she is a lousy manager. She has no long-term plan and simply reacts to everything. She never takes the initiative to make our department better. She would claim she is putting out fires, but I don’t believe it. She’s just not a clear-thinking manager. I’ve been bitching about this forever, and this is the reason that I think I need to apply for the job.

It’s a case of: You think you can do better??? Well, yeah, I think I can. The department needs a backbone. And I need more stimulation.

Of course, it would be quite a bit more money both in salary and into the pension pot, but that’s not the prime motivation. I make enough to live now. But I’m bored and unchallenged. And as Cartman might say: I want some authori-tie.

Today's Poll

My boss will be retiring in about two years. Over the weekend, I decided I want her job. The question of the day is: when do I start laying groundwork and making murmurings about this?

A. Now, to mark your territory and discourage other applicants.
B. A year from now.
C. When the official vacancy is published.
D. Never, you don’t really want this job. You are, at heart, a lazy ass.

Long-winded narrative about an on-line romantic scammer

When I retire from my glorious current employment, I will become a private investigator as my second career. The Internet makes it so easy!

As I wrote below, the Invisible Man’s email provided his full name. It is an unusual name so I decided to google him to see if there was anything about him out there in cyberland. There was only one thing.

(Aside: has anyone been Googling for the past few days. It is so cute. Every day they have a different Sesame Street character in the title. Today’s its Elmo!)

He (the Invisible Man, not Elmo) is the subject of a long rant on a site about “romance scammers”. A woman wrote it to say that her aunt was being conned by some man she met on the Internet and is in love with. It’s a long story so I’ll just post the original complaint:

Quote He’s asking her for money to help him get back to Canada. She’s almost sending out $925 plus willing to send money for a plane ticket. Do you know this guy? He says he’s from Malaysia and his wife died and his 2 kids are staying with his sister in law. His friend died in the UK and he flew over there lost his wallet in the cab. He’s a real estate agent. He's rich of course. Now he wants her to sign over her power of attorney... Help!!! Unquote.

It got worse. Over the course of a few months, it appears the woman sent him five thousand bucks.

Later, he shows up on the site defending himself and his reputation. It’s the same guy who emailed me for sure. The email address is the same, and the writing style is too. I won’t post his name, because I don’t want him or anyone involved with him coming to this peaceful little blog. Email me if you want to read it all.

So I emailed him, and said: Hey, guess what? I Googled you, pal, and saw the whole story. I told him he could respond any time, but somehow, this time around, I’m really not expecting to hear back from him.

Is it time to give up on the Romantic Male Box? Time to return to fruitlessly lusting after a Scotsman at work? Or try to reconcile with Kumar? It’s a weird world out there.

The Return of the Invisible Man

I really was not expecting to blog this, but holy crap, the Invisible Man wrote back.

He claims he was scared out of his wits by the whole on-line dating "thing" and decided to escape.

Well. Now what? I have his full name. He doesn't have mine. heh heh.


I'll answer and see how things go.


Of course, if b) below turns out to be true, he will be dead to me.

Nancy "Nanuk" Drew

I have decided to play detective.

I went back to the Romantic Male Box this morning to see if there is any news from the Invisible Man. I was surprised to see that his profile had been deleted.

Now, who among us doesn't love a mystery, eh? Especially when we are bored.

Fortunately for the (Old) Girl Detective, the Invisible Man had provided his yahoo email address in one of his messages, and even though his account was deleted, his messages to her were not.

So, why not? I emailed him at his yahoo account, telling him exactly this: that I loves me a good mystery and I'd like to know what happened?

Will he respond? Stay tuned for the next chapter in The Case of the Missing Cyber Man.

Romantic Male Box - The Resurrection

I exchanged three emails with this man who seemed normal. In his last message, he suggested we meet up. I answered in the affirmative. This was four days ago. And….I haven’t heard from him since.

Should we take this to mean:

a) He has croaked from H1N1.
b) His wife found out about his on-line shenanigans.
c) He’s actually a 14-year-old in Laval.
d) He’s upset about Mayor Doofus’s re-election and has been in a drunken stupor unable to face the world since the weekend.
e) He is secretly Defense Minister Peter Potato-Head and suddenly realized he is getting married.

Other suggestions welcome.

News!

Who cares about Swine Flu? The big exciting news today is that Alec Baldwin will be co-hosting the Oscars.

Oooooh!

Not that anyone cares, but his co-host will be Steve Martin.

Choo choo

Warren Buffet bought a railroad!

My first thought was: He's Mr. Monopoly. But some wise-ass commenter at the Globe & Mail beat me to it, saying that B&O, Reading, Short Line and Pennsylvania were next.

I loved Monopoly as a kid. Haven't played in a long, long time.

They should put Warren Buffet's picture on the Monopoly box instead of Jacques Parizeau's. By jove.

Speaking of riches beyond my imagination, I see that the new lotto has a prize of $50 million this week. I guess I have to shell out the $5 to give it a try. $50 million. As my sis said: That would totally ruin our lives. I had to agree. So, of course, we're both buying tickets.

I'm sick at home today, with the non-swine-flu. I feel so untrendy having a regular cold. I'm old fashioned.

Elections

Well, sigh, Mayor Doofus is back for 4 more glorious years.

Makes you wonder if democracy really is the best form of government 'cause, frankly, the people are idiots.

Not that we had much of a choice. It was a really poor field.

At least the mafia can sleep soundly at night, knowing their contracts are safe. Keep picking up my garbage and fallen leaves, you trusty mafia guys. Much appreciated.

Speaking of the mafia, 60 Minutes had a cool story about The Yakuza last night. Did you know that their tattoos are so dense, they can't sweat. And this leads to many of them getting liver disease? The things you learn. TV is very educational.

Post H'ween Wrap-up

I only had 25 Halloweeners instead of the 37 I had anticipated. I gave away most of the mini chocolate bars, but guess who is going to being eating Twizzlers for the next week? ...or possibly for just the next couple of days, should I go on a Twizzlers binge.

Did everyone get fewer kids than usual? Ms Mushrooms wonders if this is an H1N1-related decline. Could be.

Best fringe benefit of Halloween: The occasional handsome dads who are out on the sidewalk, waiting for their kids. They always wave and say thanks. Nice!

C'est Halloween

My first trick or treaters of the evening. It's only 5:15 and still broad daylight! But there they are, five boys around 10 years old. I give them each two treats, then the arguing starts.

One kid gets his two treats, but keeps his bag open. I say: You already got yours. The kid points to a chocolate bar and says: But I want one of those! And I say too bad, and his friends yell to him to move out of the way.

Another kid gets one chocolate bar and one nibs. I say, you get two things each. The kid asks: Can I get a third? I REALLY want a twizzler! And I, again, say too bad. Move on, guys.

They continued down the street bickering.

The End (Again)

Kumar and I are officially done. Again. For the second and last time, it is over.

We really mean it this time.

It was good fun while it lasted.

Back to the trenches....

Should I or shouldn't I?

I just went to a presentation about Toastmasters, the public speaking group.

This is the kind of thing I need so badly, but it scares me so much just the thought of it makes my hands shake, and waves of nausea come over me.

I know I'm the kind of person this is meant for.

They have their meeting here in the building at work every Friday. It would be so good for me to get comfortable with public speakinig. But it scares me shitless.

Should I join? What if I barf the first time I have to make a speech? What if I don't sleep for 3 nights before the meeting? What if? What if? What if?

Rashomon

Five of my work friends went to NYC for a 4-day long weekend. They came back Tuesday and I have spoken to two of them separately.

Were they even on the same trip?

Person A said it is great. Everyone got along except for some minor squabbles, but it was always under control.

Person B said it was a nightmare, and she is never travelling with some of these ladies EVER AGAIN.

I can't wait for more versions of this trip.

I am sooo glad I did not go.

Elections

Sunday is municipal election day. And what a choice of prime candidates we have!

I agree with one editorialist (maybe it was in the Gazette) who said the city of Montreal is so broken and corrupt, the election should be cancelled and the whole joint put under trusteeship.

I mean, really, when the best candidate is the one who appears the least corrupt, and he also happens to have written a 9/11 conspiracy book accusing the Bush admin of orchestrating it, well, that is really sad. And that's the guy I'm voting for! A nutcase! But he appears to be a not-yet-corrupted nutcase. Give him a few months, he'll be as dirty as everyone else.

I guess I should just be grateful that my garbage is still being collected, and that the city trucks have been taking care of all the piles of fallen leaves too. I suppose this service is also a mafia contract. Whatever.

This raises the point: is it really worse that contracts are all won by the mafia if the day-to-day work is still being done? Maybe if the mob ran candidates and openly ran as The Mobster Party, they would do a good job. Isn't that how Chicago is run?

H1N1 drive-by shooting

Those crazy Americans. I saw on the news last night that they can get their flu shots without getting out of their cars.

Roll down your window, roll up your sleeve and the nurse comes to your car. Only in the USA.

Why do Americans even have homes? They can live in their cars, and they want to!

And for that matter, why do Americans even have pants? Nobody ever sees them from the chest down.

Bonbons

Purchased my Hallowe'en candy. 50 twizzlers and nibs, and 24 little chocolate bars.

At two treats per imp, that is enough for 37 imps.

The real question, of course, is: Can I make it to Saturday night without opening a bag? Those twizzlers are already calling my name...

Swoon, thud

So Morrissey collapsed on stage. It's almost too easy, this one. So many song titles and lyrics to choose from.

Heaven knows he's miserable now.

Jeez, they're all alike

That darn cat.

I have been feeding the (originally) half-starved Black Cat for about two and a half weeks now. So this morning? It was the first time he refused to eat what I served him! The nerve.

Listen, Blackie, I said, I will have you know that this dollar store special costs me a whole 33 cents per can. You think I'm made of money?

If I wanted to see this as a positive development, I might think that maybe his stupid neglectful owners served him a proper breakfast this a.m., and so he had no need for a second breakfast. Perhaps that was the case, and he wasn't just being a typical, entitled arrogant c.a.t.

Maybe he was already full. I had noticed over the past week that he has filled out quite a bit. He's looking slightly...what's the word...Baldwinish.

My motto: Promoting feline obesity, one cat at a time.

Cold Soup

Aw, everyone from our t.v.-watching childhood is dying. Now it's Soupy Sales.

Problem with t.v. today? Nobody on it is named Soupy.

I guess this completes a very minor celebrity death threesome for the past week or so. There's was Capt. Lou Albano and the guy who wrote the theme song for The Addams Family.

Speaking of which, all the obits talked about the snap, snap of the Addams Family theme, but he also wrote the Green Acres theme. Which was pretty awesome. That didn't get enough reporting. Of course, the Green Acres theme is really only at its best when performed by Mr. Anonymous, complete with theatrical gestures. You are my wife! Good-bye city life!

I'm bored

Anybody got any news?

There's nothing to blog about.

A New Star in Kitty Heaven

Let us take a moment today to bid farewell to OC Kitty. The Anonymi's elder stateswoman has passed on to feline paradise.

She was 19. She was always a good old girl. So long, OC.

(pause)

So, guys, there's a cute little black cat that is still driving me nuts, and really wants to be adopted...ahem...he has a home, but he needs a better one. He's really cute. Really.

Confession: He looked half-starved a couple of weeks ago, so I broke down and started feeding him. I know. I know. I'm stuck with him now. My cats hate him with a passion. But he's so cute.

Monday Blahs

I hate this time of year.

It's cold*, dull and there's nothing happening. My greatest challenge in the past few days has been avoiding hearing about the balloon boy and his stupid balloon parents.

On the positive side, I turned on the t.v. last night and there was a football game on from New England, and man, it was snowing like crazy. Thank the lord for the cold front that kept that evil precip away.

In other fun news, yesterday afternoon I mowed the front lawn, and while doing so, I kept the mower facing south the whole time (as opposed to turning in 2 directions) so all my dead leaves ended up in my neighbour's driveway. It was very satisfying. This being said:

There's gotta be more to life than this!

*Yes, it is sunny today, and that's a good thing. But it won't last.

Gulp!

I fear I am turning into JAW Fan.

This week in the Romantic Male Box, I got a couple messages from a man whose profile said he had recently gotten his life together and had a lost a lot of weight. I looked at his pictures, and he was pretty chunky.

Later in the week, he posted a new photo of himself. He has certainly lost a lot of weight. He’s very tall and looks like a string bean now. And I thought: blech. He looked way better when he was fat.

The Alec Baldwin thing, and now this. Yikes.

Tee Vee

All I can say about the 30 Rock premiere last night is: Steve Buscemi is great. He made me laugh out loud with the chameleon (sp?) bit.

On The Office, Kevin is becoming my favourite character. Last week it was the wig and Kleenex box shoes, this week is was his cluelessness with the credit card company.

Also from 30 Rock, I want to adopt the phrase "Massaging the truth".

Note to JAW Fan and Ms Mushrooms: I'm falling into the Alec Baldwin swoon camp.

Decisions, Decisions

Have not yet decided what to give out at Halloween.

I saw in my Publi-Sac that most stores have stuff on sale not too expensive this week. I think it is either Zellers or Pharmaprix that has a big bag of various red licorices. This might be a good option because I could resist it, i.e., that is to say, I could buy it this weekend and not eat all 100 pieces by Oct. 31. Not being that big on licorices myself. This goody bag includes Twizzlers and Nibs. Hmmm.

An aside: when I was in Vancouver, there was a really good candy store close to the hotel. I went in and asked the clerk if they carried Grape Nibs. He had never heard of such a thing. Sorry, guys, I tried!

I ended up buying Cadbury bars imported from England. Not at all like the crappy domestic Cadbury bars. (Did I talk about this before? Probably.) Anyway, real Cadbury bars imported from the UK are fantastically delicious. Shoulda bought more than two.

Work Question

Let's say you work in a bureau with about six or seven departments in it. And you have a new Head of that bureau.

How long should it be before the new Bureau Head either has a general staff meeting to introduce himself, or goes dept to dept to introduce himself? A week? Two weeks?

We are now at two-and-a-half months and we still have not met the new boss.

My supervisor (Mrs. Defend and Make Execuses for the Superior No Matter What) tells us the new guy is very, very busy.

We, the underlings, are beginning to suspect that the guy is just a douche.

The New Me

I didn't have any junk or over-eating today. I am so great!

And I spent 45 minutes in the gym. Doing actual exercise.

How long will my self-loathing propel me along? A day? 2 days? A week?

It's over

The over-eating is over.

I'm done. I've got to stop. I had the worst food hangover of my life this morning. It was not caused by the turkey, mashed potatoes, mashed turnips, stuffing, yams, gravy, cranberries, asparagus and wine. No. It was caused by the dessert pig-a-thon of pears and brie.

Pears and brie is one of the greatest taste sensations in the world. Tasty pears, fresh creamy brie. I ate, and ate, and ate. I could not stop myself. Then my sis brought some gouda. I ate a bit of that.

Never again. I barely slept all night. And this morning I was BBB. Bloated beyond belief.

I may have to join CA. Cheese-oholics Anonymous.

Happy Turkey Weekend

I'm off to TO in the morning.

Time for the pig-out of turkey, stuffing and pumpkin pie. Yum.

I'm in love

I discovered a deadly, divine new snack yesterday. It was on special at Jean Coutu. How appropriate that this is the same pharmacy where I pick up my cholesterol drug prescriptions.

The Lindt White Chocolate Bar. With 32% almonds. Not one-third almonds. Thirty two per cent almonds.

I normally don't go for white chocolate, but these Lindt people, they know how to make it good.

It is heavenly. And I am certain that, because of the 32% almonds, it is verrrry healthy, too.

Har.

O, Lindt White Chocolate with 32% almonds. I wish we had never met, my love. You are too good. Too tasty. I am helpless to resist.

Barry Nobel

I am completely shocked that Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize. I'm an Obama fan overall, but, as Clara Peller might ask: Where's the Peace? Don't you usually give this prize to someone after they accomplish something, not in anticipation of it? Wev!

Seems it is being awarded mainly for BO's work towards nuclear disarmament. Ahmadinejad must be steaming 'bout this. And little Medvedev must being saying "Hey guys, I'm pro disarming too, sort of."

The right wing will go ape-shit all over Amurica today. Another reason to hate the Euros. Barry is so in bed with those socialists.

Frankly, from the Euro point-of-view, this is just the "Thank God You Aren't Bush" Prize.

I hate peaceful music

There's an Egyptian lady who sits down the hall from me. There are no other staff between us, the only in-between office is empty.

She likes to play Zamfir-type pan flute music through her computer. Most days she keeps it quite low and I can't hear it.

But all day yesterday it was just a bit too loud, and I could hear this weee-weee-weeee just enough to annoy the heck out of me.

This morning, I just sat down, and the music was at the same volume. So I had to go and ask her to turn it down just a bit. She was very apologetic, and I think I was pretty nice about it.

But it feels like it is already registered in my brain, and between the sound of the heating and the sound of the PC, I swear I can still hear an echo of the weeee-weee-weeee.

Pan flute music makes me want to kill somebody.

Swing, batter, batter

As the League Championships and the World Series are on the horizon (it is October, after all) how about a little baseball news.

I read this in Sunday's paper and I'm still recovering.

"A new book by a former employee of Alcor, the company that froze Ted Williams' remains, alleges the Baseball Hall of Famer's body was mistreated by the company.

Larry Johnson says in the book "Frozen: My Journey Into the World of Cryonics, Deception and Death" that he watched an Alcor official swing a monkey wrench at Williams' frozen severed head to try to remove a tuna can stuck to it. The first swing accidentally struck the head, Johnson contends, and the second knocked the tuna can loose."

I love tuna, but I'm not sure I can ever eat it again. This kinda puts me off the Red Sox, too.

One Glorious Year

Kumar and I celebrated our anniversary this weekend. If by "celebrated"..."our"..."anniversary", you mean, we acknowledged that we met about one year ago this week, have continued seeing each other, albeit sometimes very infrequently, and haven't killed each other yet.

What a milestone.

And I said (many, many, many times) it wouldn't last.

The Piano Man

Far and away the scariest picture I've seen all week.

Dave is a bad boy

This Letterman story is big news today. While I hate scummy cheatin' menfolk as much as the next gal does, I have to admit that if you're gonna cheat, you hafta be a man about it when you get caught.

Politicians could learn a lot from Dave. He really took the non-wimpy road on this. I'm not excusing his philandering for a minute, but this is so much more mature than "I did not have sex with that woman" or any of the stupidities of John Edwards or the goofball gov of South Carolina.

Extortion is such a weaselly crime. I think all extortionists probably look and sound like Peter Lorre. Geeeme me money or I weeel tellll.

Go ahead. And now the extortionist is in jail. This does not happen often enough.