Friday, June 29, 2007

Yikes, we're pathetic

Canadian-born Canadians don't know anything about Canada.

A new poll (Globe & Mail) finds:

The title of the national anthem was named by 96 per cent of the respondents, but only 58 per could name the first two lines of O Canada. This is five percentage points worse than in 1997.

Just 16 per cent of Canadians could name the four provinces - Ontario, Quebec, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia - that formed Canada in 1867. This is a decline of six points.

(16 per cent! That's appalling.)

In 1997, 87 per cent of those surveyed correctly answered "fur" or "beaver" to the question that asked about the trade controlled by Hudson Bay Co., but in the latest quiz just 66 per cent gave the right answer.

(66 per cent is still pretty acceptable. Beaver pelts R us.)

One in three Canadians a decade ago identified the Charter of Rights and Freedoms as the part of the Constitution that protects the rights and freedoms of all Canadians. In 2007, the correct response rate had declined to 22 per cent. Six in 10 immigrants identified the Charter, however.

Just 8 per cent of Canadians identified the Queen as Canada's head of state, with half the respondents incorrectly citing the prime minister. One-third of immigrants, however, named the Queen.

(8 per cent!)

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Mr. Brown moves into No. 10

The British have a new Prime Minister. He's dull.

As much as Tony Blair disappointed me, at least he always had a bit of pizzazz.

With Gordon Brown, we enter the Era of the Dour Scot. Get out your hymnals. I'm bored already.

Imagine his first meeting with Stephen Harper. There'll be only one word for it: ELECTRIC!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

TeeVee News

I was flipping last night and came across some show in which a bunch of 40-something women try very hard to look and act young so that they can compete against a group of 20-something women for the affections of one 30-year-old guy.

I didn’t watch it past getting the premise. But it raised the question: What is this crap doing polluting my television? Lame.

In the world of reality television, there is one bright light for me. Hell’s Kitchen is back. A treat for all us fans of the exceptionally foul-mouthed Gordon Ramsay. Fun!

Know what this is?

It’s a lipo-dissolver.

Know what it does? It injects “a fat-burning chemical cocktail” into your skin to melt fat.

And, yes, people are actually doing this, and then feeling “great” about the results.

Getting shot with a nail gun to lose weight.

Stop the world. I want to get off.

Today's Prediction

The Bush Administration will pass some kind of shocking, appalling, hair-raising Executive Order today, and nobody will notice because the hotel heiress has gotten out of jail.

In a democracy, the people get the government they deserve. wah.

Monday, June 25, 2007


Saw a bunch of trailers yesterday. I predict that the other big summer comedy hit (after Knocked Up) is going to be the Adam Sandler movie, the one about the two firemen who pretend to be gay and marry to get pension benefits. There was just something about the trailer that made me think this one's going to be huge.

And will it offend gay people? Of course it will. But that won't stop the crowds.

On St-Jean-Baptiste and la Fete Nationale

We had practice tonight. It's a nice night.

There's an American lady on our team and she wanted to know what the provincial holiday is all about. Someone gave her a pretty good explanation about how St-Jean-Baptiste is the patron saint of the Quebecois, but the name of the holiday was changed to the Fete Nationale during one of the stronger waves of nationalism, etc.

She nodded and seemed to get all this.

Then she asked: what does this all have to do with storming the Bastille?

Uh, nothing, we said. But I guess Baptiste and Bastille sound close enough to her that she thought they were related. Oh well.

Sunday, June 24, 2007


I saw Knocked Up and liked it much more than I was expecting to. I saw it at Cavendish where I was one of the youngest people in the audience. I kept wondering whether any of the old Jewish people in the audience were getting the endless bong jokes.

It's a lot like 40 Year Old Virgin. A sweet movie wrapped up in endless vulgar jokes.

Jay Baruchel (sp?) (from Montreal) is one of the slacker dudes. I love that kid. I remember how good he was in Million Dollar Baby. He’s one of the most unusual looking actors I’ve ever seen. What a great face.

I realize how out of touch I am because I didn’t recognize any of the celebrities making cameos except Steve Carrell. I assume all these other people were also real celebs but I have no clue who they were.

Paul Rudd’s DeNiro impression is fantastic. Seth Rogen’s sucked, but Rudd’s is superb.

Tomorrow's a provincial holiday. I don't have to go to work. yay!

Friday, June 22, 2007

In Office News

I took my retiring colleague for what turned out to be a 2 1/2 hour lunch today.

She was getting nervous about the time, but I said, you've got 4 days left to work. What are they going to do, fire you? (Our boss is on vacation this week.)

We had a lovely time, though she kept getting back onto the subject of her hated enemy a little too often. Everyone needs to vent, I guess. But all in all, it was a success.

Just wondering

Why aren't Americans pouring into the street and demanding the resignation of Dick Cheney?

Is he setting a precedent? Will future Veeps assume they are above all laws and unaccountable to anyone?

I'm discouraged about the level of apathy among our neighbours.

This week in testicular news

I see that our fave testicle-grabbing maniac, Amanda Monti, was sent to prison this week.

Not much else to report in the updated story, except the judge said that it was "a very serious injury" and that Monti was not acting in self defence. (BBC)

I was hoping there would be a photo of her to accompany the story, but alas there wasn't.

In my mind she has to look like Vicky Pollard.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Sarkozy again

Seems he's telling everyone he wasn't drunk at his news conference, just out of breath.

Of course, because what do we all do when we are out of breath: giggle stupidly.

It's not the drinking that's the problem, it's the cover-up! Just admit it. Jeez.

Best part of the story is that he says he came home to find his wife and kids watching the drunken video and laughing their heads off. You'd think he would've wanted to keep that part of the story quiet. He's a sitcom dad. France's Homer Simpson.

In Australian News

I can’t remember the last time I bashed the Australian government, so here’s a story:

Australia is to ban alcohol and pornography in Aboriginal areas in the Northern Territory in a bid to curb child sex abuse. (BBC)

Because, you know, if you ban alcohol and pornography no child will ever be harmed again. This is a classic case of controlling people’s lives under the banner of “saving the children”. If the government is so concerned about this why not ban alcohol and pornography across all of Australia. What’s the matter? Doesn’t the govt care about abused white children as much as Aboriginal children? Oh wait, white people can control themselves but Aboriginals can't. True, true.

I'll bet the Harper government (Stockwell!) is watching this carefully.

Osama Update

Can this be true?

Remember how, after 9/11, members of the Saudi Royal family and the bin Laden family were flown out of the US for their own protection, even before any other planes were allowed in the sky?

Now it turns out that one of those flights was chartered by Osama himself. This is beyond belief.

FBI docs state: On 9/19/01, A 727 plane left LAX, Ryan Flt #441 to Orlando, Fl w/eta (Estimated Time Of Arrival) of 4-5PM. the plane was chartered either by the Saudi Arabian royal family or Osama bin Laden…the FBI searched the plane [redacted] luggage, of which nothing unusual was found.”

For the record, I’ve always thought that the official line that OBL is estranged from the family and they have nothing to do with him is complete baloney.

My suspicions have been on a back burner lately, but now I’m more convinced than ever that there’s direct cooperation between Osama and the Bush administration. He’s like Jack Nicholson in The Departed. Why does he never get caught by the Feds? Cause he’s working for them. (If you haven’t seen The Departed and I just ruined it for you, sorry.)

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A one-liner for JAW Fan

Someone sent me this joke today:

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

I have only one question.

Seafood disco?

3 More Dead

A roadside blast killed three Canadian soldiers on patrol Wednesday in southern Afghanistan, bringing Canada's total number of fallen soldiers in the Afghan mission to 60. .....
Brig.-Gen. Tim Grant said the type of vehicle was used frequently for resupply missions and "was appropriate for the task at hand." (CBC)

If by "the task at hand" you mean getting blown up by an IED, then yes I have to agree the vehicle was appropriate. If, on the other hand, you'd like your soldiers to come home alive, then I think said vehicle is not quite up to the task. What a comment. Sigh.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Bonjour, Bonjour, Hic, Hic

Anybody catch that YouTube video of Sarkozy's drunken news conference?

I may have judged him too quickly. He could turn out to be my kind of politician.

Somebody has to replace the late Boris Yeltsin as the world's tipsiest leader.

I wonder if he has watched the tape of the news conference. If so, he has to be asking himself why he thought he could get away with it. Of course, that's classic drunken logic. "Hey, I'm drunk, but I'm know I'm hiding it well. Hee hee. Nobody can tell I'm plastered!"

Oh boy.

Weirdness on t.v.

I saw the oddest ad on t.v. I think it was on CNN.

The message was basically this: Someone at your work place may try to make you join a union. Don't do it. Unions are evil. Run away. Run away. Unions are the work of the devil. Don't join a union. Unions will mean you have no rights. Unions will steal your money. Never ever join a union. Unions are nasty.

I can't imagine anything like this running on Canadian television. It was truly strange.

Tainted toothpaste will kill us all

Health Canada is investigating suspected counterfeit toothpaste found in Southern Ontario that is similar to a product at the centre of a health recall throughout the United States because of fears it contains an ingredient used in antifreeze.

Steve Janke, 40, bought a tube of what purports to be Colgate brand toothpaste labelled as being manufactured in South Africa from a dollar store in Guelph, Ont. (Globe & Mail)

I'm glad Health Canada is on top on this story, but frankly Mr. Janke, if you are buying anything at the dollar store other than bags of Yum-Yum Barbeque chips, you might just be getting what you deserve.

Cadbury to close 10 factories

I have such a craving for a Caramilk right now.

Why is it that as soon as you know someting could become scarce, you just gotta have it?

Monday, June 18, 2007

A Tangled Office Web

Here’s a situation. One of my colleagues is retiring this month. For the past two months, she has not been on speaking terms with another of our colleagues. It’s really, really ugly. Therefore, she has requested that NOTHING be done for her retirement. No lunch, no party, nothing because anything official would involve the hated colleague.

Some of us are appalled by this fighting and still want to do something to mark the occasion. I had planned all along to invite our retiree to lunch on my own. Before I had a chance to do so, someone else mentioned that those of us who want to, should take her out “unofficially”. So today I invited her to lunch and she was delighted. So I asked her if there was anyone else in the department she wanted to invite, again in an unofficial capacity. And she said No. Nobody else.

So I had to go back to the others and say, sorry, nobody else is invited. Can you say awkward? I am stuck in the middle because the others still want to get some kind of gift and do something for her, but I know that she really isn’t interested in getting anything at all from anybody else.

I know a lot of the problem is a language issue, as our retiree speaks very good English but isn’t really comfortable chatting and joking in English. We always speak French together but the others would not be able to keep up in French. So English would dominate the conversation which wouldn’t be fair to her since she would be the guest of honour. (Only in Quebec could such a thing occur.)

Why are office dynamics so complicated? I’m taking her to lunch on Friday and have had to tell the others that they are on their own to make other plans. I hate this.

Today in Silly yet Inevitable News

Britain's decision to award Salman Rushdie a knighthood set off a storm of protest in the Islamic world today, with a Pakistani government minister giving warning that it could provide justification for suicide bomb attacks. (The Times)

Lame, lame, lame.

Salman Rushdie's knighthood is not worth dying over. How dumb.

This being said, I'd like to think that the committee that decides knighthoods knew this outrage was going to result and has some kind of plan to deal with it. If they don't then they are as dumb as the Pakistani govt minister.

Friday, June 15, 2007


We got an e-mail message today regarding the death of one of our retirees.

The only thing I remember about this man was that he used to cut his toenails in his office.

That's quite a legacy, eh? I wonder if it ever crossed his mind that when someone learned of his death, their only thought would be: Oh yeah, him. The guy who trimmed his toenails in his office.

How do you want YOUR work colleagues to remember you?

In the News

I was just on the BBC site again.

Despite the violence in Gaza, and some UK sleeper cell news, and the usual Russian trouble-making, the No. 1 e-mailed story remains that of our friend with the lost testicle.

Is this a surprise? No, not really.

In other news, I read that the Polish F1 driver who had that terrible, terrible crash here in Montreal last weekend and escaped virtually uninjured, had a picture of Pope John Paul 2 taped inside his helmet. In the rush to canonize JP2, will this be counted as a miracle?

Planet Oprah

Oprah Winfrey is the world's most powerful celebrity, according to business magazine Forbes. (BBC)

What is the role of the world's most powerful celebrity? Other than you get a car and you get a car and you get a car and everybody gets a car?

I know she can catapult obscure authors into mega-sales and wealth. She can promote shameless evil drivel like The Secret and cause desperate dim-wits to put their lives in jeopardy.

But Oprah doesn't meet with world leaders, as least not in public. And I don't think it would be her style to do ANYTHING in private. So why is she a more powerful celebrity than, say, Bono?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

It's not the leaving of Liverpool that grieves me, But my darling when I think of thee.

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out. A friend handed it back to Mr Jones saying: "That's yours." (BBC)

And now, the punchline:
In a letter to the court, Monti said “I am in no way a violent person."

Frankly, I didn't realize those things came off that easily.

I wonder if that guy is built like our old t.v. set. You know the kind where you just wanted to change the station but the knob would come off in your hand.

Also, you know who's not getting enough credit in this story? The kind friend who handed it back to him. That's a pal.

Thus making life not worth living...

"Kellogg Co. plans to make popular brands like Pop Tarts, Fruit Loops and Apple Jacks healthier. " (CNN)

Dear Mr. Kellogg (Mongoloid, Esq.),

Hands off my Pop Tarts.

If I wanted to eat healthier, I'd buy a frickin' apple.

Yours 4ever,

Kurt Waldheim croaks

You know, some time soon, probably within a decade, there won't be any old Nazis still alive to hate.

Today in Scary Toothpaste News

NEW YORK — — Colgate-Palmolive Co. [CL-N] said Thursday counterfeit "Colgate" toothpaste that may contain a toxic chemical had been found in discount stores in four U.S. states.

Colgate-Palmolive said the counterfeit toothpaste was found in New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Maryland. It can be recognized because it is labelled as being manufactured in South Africa, and the company does not import toothpaste to the United States from South Africa.

The packaging also contains several misspellings. (Globe & Mail)

I’m afraid for my teeth!! I need legit toothpaste to scrub off the poison from my Chinese vegetables.

We're all doomed.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


I've been really delinquent about visiting ExpoLounge these past few weeks, and right when the nostalgia is cranked to 11. I corrected that tonight. It's so neat.

Interesting to see that a number of high-profile visits were cancelled because of The Six Day War. Makes you realize how long the Middle East problem has been on our radar.

My favourite line from Jason is his description of the "Coppertone Cocktail". He says: This cocktail combines my love for coconut with my obsession of suntan lotion. Enjoy!

There's summer in a nutshell. I love coconut too, but I can't say I'm all that interested in suntan lotion. Oh well.

Cute Alert! Cute Alert!

Rattansifan was mowing her lawn and she spotted something in the bushes. Is this adorable or what? I never see such lovely visitors in my backyard.

Bushie, Bushie

I’m loving the story about Bush getting his wristwatch stolen by some sneaky Albanian.

A couple of things of interest here (source: The Times of London).

“He posed for photos and signed autographs while admirers shouting "Bushie, Bushie" mobbed him and even ruffled his hair.”

Ruffled his hair? Good boy, good boy. Did they feed him doggie treats too?

Watching the video on YouTube, I’m kind of saddened by Bushie’s body language. He’s rushing into the crowd as if he can’t believe people actually like him. Did it ever cross his mind to think if he’d been a halfway decent Pres maybe citizens of his own country would be that excited to meet him? For a few seconds there, I got the impression he actually cared about being liked.

“He is said to wear a $50 Timex with the Stars and Stripes on the dial.”

The President of the United States wears a $50 Timex. I don’t know what to think of this.

I don’t know which happy Albanian stole the watch, but you gotta have chutzpah out the yazoo to yank the watch right off the wrist of the most powerful man in the world. I salute you, sir.

I’ll bet his mother gave him shit afterwards. That’s what you get for mingling with the common people, Georgie. Didn't I tell you they're all scum?

The List Continues...

11. Don't Worry Be Happy. This has a reverse-Sussudio happening, because not only does the song bug me to death, but it is forever linked in my mind with the video of supremo annoying Robin Williams jumping around like a jackass. Double whammy.
12. Muscrat Love
13. Patricia the Stripper. Once again, thanks for nothing CHOM.

One point. Twenty years ago, Spanish Train would’ve been on the list, but over the years, I’ve come to associate Spanish Train with Mr. Anonymous’s dramatic interpretation thereof. I can’t hate the song when it reminds me of him singing MY HAND WINS!!! and emoting like crazy.

14. Evil Woman. This could be controversial because I think there is an ELO fan among us. Not that I’ve ever held that against him, but still. Maybe if he’d ever emoted dramatically to this song he could’ve saved it.
15. Hot Blooded.
16. Keep On Lovin’ You. Yes, an REO Speedwagon number. Yikes. They were so lame.

At this point you might have noticed the absence of a couple of prime suspects. No Styx, no Air Supply. Why? You may ask. Because sometimes bad is good. Bad is pleasurable. Bad is a twisted treat. Others times, bad is bad, which leads to No. 17.

17. Happy to be Stuck with You. (Grinds teeth)
18. I don’t know if this was actually ever a record, but it reminds me of a Huey Lewis song, so I have to put the theme song from Cheers on the list. I’ve always hated it.
19. Footloose. I never want to hear it again. Please.
20. How Sweet It Is. Kill James Taylor and put him out of his misery.

Endless Drivel

You heard that on the day McCartney’s latest abomination was released, every Starbucks on earth had to play it over and over for a full day.

I forgot to ask my poor niece if she had a shift on that day. To my mind, they should’ve paid employees double-time and a half for their suffering. Even then it wouldn’t have been enough.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Sing a little song, do a little dance

Whilst pondering Iron Man today (don’t ask), I began to think of making a list of songs.

The most likely list would be, of course, the 10 Best Songs in the Universe. But I could never trim my list of faves down to 10.

So then I got to thinking about which songs I could live the rest of my life without ever hearing again and I wouldn’t miss them. Again I don’t think I can narrow this down to 10, so I’ll just start and see where this goes.

1. Hotel California
2. Stairway to Heaven. I liked it when I was 16 but overplay, overplay, overplay, leaves me never wanting to hear it again.
3. Bloody Well Right. And just about every other Supertramp song I can think of.

I think this list is going to be 1980s heavy. And yes, Montrealers, I am a victim of growing up listening to CHOM. So many songs I hate just because CHOM had to play them day in and day out.

4. Silly Love Songs. This is the Wings part of the list. I could have 10 or 20 items just on the anti-Wings list. God I hate Paul McCartney.
5. McCartney’s horrible Christmas song. I don’t know the name of it. I know everything McCartney- related should fall under No. 4 above, but this one deserves its own spot.
6. We Built this City on Rock’n’Roll. So bad it could’ve been recorded by Wings.
7. Heaven. I don’t hate Bryan Adams but I’ve always hated this one.
8. We Didn’t Start the Fire. Yep, it’s the Billy Joel moment on the list. Again, several songs could fill this spot.
9. Rainy Day Women 12 & 35. Hey, you didn’t expect to see a Dylan song here, I bet. But I hate this song and never need to hear it again.
10. Crazy Little Thing Called Loved. Queen deserves a spot in the Top Ten. You know this isn’t the only one of theirs that deserves to be here.

You know, sometimes there’s a song that could and should be on the list that gets saved by some bit of freakish luck. I’m thinking of Sussudio right now. Ack. What a horrible song. But it was used so effectively in American Psycho that now it is forever associated with Christian Bale in my mind and that can only be a good thing. So Sussudio is saved.

I’ll pause now, but I already have No. 11 ready for the 11 through 20 part of the list. No it’s not a cliffhanger. No. 11 is...

11. Don’t Worry Be Happy.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

A Moment of Silence, Please

The creator of Cheez Whiz has died.

I raise my celery stick to you, sir.

(He also did something to make McDonald's fries tastier. He should be an American national hero. Science! )

Friday, June 08, 2007

G-8 - Well, that was quick!

How long did I feel sorry for Bush? 2? 3 hours? Then I saw this picture.

Reports say that's a Non-Alcoholic Beer. Riiiiight. 'Cause nobody's ever switched a label on a beer bottle before.

Oh Angela, you German minx. You led dipsy Georgie down the wrong path. Now today Georgie had a "stomach ailment". As someone who has suffered from real "not self-inflicted" stomach trouble, I say Baloney.

I gotta admit, though, for a Non-Alcoholic beer, that thing looks pretty tasty.

G-8, Part Three

Bush had to miss some of today's activities because he had "stomach trouble".

Knowing how miserable such things are, for the first time in my life, I feel for him.

(This is assuming, of course, that he really did have gastro problems, and wasn't just hung over from a night of downing Jagermeister shots.)

One thing I thought was funny yesterday was that Vlad the Impaler offered to put the missile defence thingie in Azerbaijan. Um. Isn't Azerbaijan an independent country? Did anyone ask the leader of Azerbaijan is he wanted that thing put there? Obviously not. I'm sure if anyone raised this with Vlad, he would've just glared at them and said: what's your point? He's not a nice man.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

G-8, Part 2

Who decides the seating arrangement at the conference table?

I'd think that as host, Germany would have the last say. But then why is poor Angela stuck next to the Chimp again? As Chancellor, shouldn't she have the right to say: stick that Frat Boy at the far end of the table as far away from me as possible?

Poor thing. Doesn't she have enough on her plate?


So, what's happening? Has Bush started bombing Russia yet?

Some weeks, it's better to stay in bed with the blankets pulled way up high over one's head.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Mr. TB

Turns out the new father-in-law of the Flying TB-Carrying Arse is a TB researcher at the Center for Disease Control. Coincidence? I think not. Though FIL claims he did not infect his son-in-law, I have my doubts.

My theory: FIL did not want his daughter to marry an arrogant self-centered lawyer, but he couldn’t talk her out of it.

Solution: Diabolical murder plot. Kill him slowly with TB germs. That’s what they’d do on t.v. anyway.

In other news, I was remiss in not mentioning this earlier, but remember the two-timing Space Shuttle Pilot who was at center of the whole crazy-astronaut-drives-900-miles-in-a-diaper story from last Winter? Remember that guy? Well NASA fired him. I’m not sorry. He was sent back to the navy or air force or wherever they got him from. He’ll have to settle for two-timing female naval officers from now on.


The National Spelling Bee was on t.v. last night.

I couldn't stand it. I watched one kid spell one word and then I switched the station.

Baseball is more relaxing.

This just shows that if I am ever captured by an enemy and submitted to torture, all they have to do is run a tape of a spelling bee. I'll confess to anything. Uncle!

Friday Edition: Gay Secrets Revealed!!

Here's what I've learned.

When three gay men get together on a muggy afternoon, what do they do?

Discuss the finer distinctions between the Royal Tern and the Caspian Tern.


(merci, les gars.)