Wedding Bell Blues

So. Archie is marrying Veronica.

I give it 6 months. He will soon seen the error of his ways. But I hope when he is left out in the cold, while Ronnie is boinking the pool boy, and he goes back to Betty, she laughs in his face. And then slams the door on him. Ha Ha.

Is Mr. Lodge still alive? Has Veronica inherited her father's dough? Maybe he will cut her out of the will? Then what, Archie? You gonna support that spoiled brat?

It's all wrong, wrong, wrong.

In Futbol News

Way to go, Barcelona.

I do not weep for Man U. Heh heh.

Blehhh

Yesterday evening, I discovered that the restaurant/bar across the street from my workplace makes delightfully delish and potent cosmopolitains, which we got at 2 for 1 prices.

It is not a good idea to go out on a Wednesday, if you have to work on a Thursday.

I don't feel so good today.

Morocco bound

Just when I am hoping that nobody ever responds to those “fishing” romantic emails, I get a call this morning from a colleague who tells me one of her friends is in love with her Internet man. This victim, I mean, woman divorced her alcoholic husband last year. She is now on welfare with her two children. And she has scrounged together enough money to buy a ticket to Morocco to met her man. She said: “It’s not one of those Internet things. He really loves me.” They have never met.

Sigh.

This is why those guys send out those emails. This proves my theory that it is not cynical old maids like me who are at risk in these schemes, but vulnerable widows and divorcées who don’t know how to take care of themselves.

I hope she comes to her senses before she lands in Morocco and realizes there’s nobody there to meet her.

The basic food groups

Went to IGA yesterday. (Not looking to pick-up Jewish men.)

I sauntered by the goodie aisle and counted six packages of $1.59 glazed donuts. I considered them. I looked at them longingly. I fantasized about their glazy goodness. And I walked away. Empty-handed. Victory.

At the other end of the store, I spotted that Pringles were on sale this week. This time I did not walk away. I bought “Infernal Ranch” Extremes. Verdict? As I started to taste them, they didn’t seem so infernal, but after a few minutes my lips started to burn and swell rather unpleasantly. Like a bee sting. Ranch is supposed to be cooling and soothing, no? I was puzzled. So I put them away.

I’m reserving judgement until I give them a second sampling tonight. I may have to go back to Extreme Cheddar. They are tastier and less dangerous.

I am among the wonders of God's beauty, so act accordingly!

Nothing much to blog about today, so how about I share the latest email from ye olde romantic male box. Oh boy:

"I wonder how God could let you go off so easily, seeing you has really made me forget to ask how u are doing. Well let me not be carried away by your beauty, I must tell you the truth you are among the wonders of Gods beauty.

I am sorry, i ougth to introduce my self, my name is XXXXX, am 43years old , living in Central London., I just joined this dating site in search of love..its my dream and desire to meet a woman like you as my life time partner, then I saw your profile which really captivated my attention, I like to get to understand who you are what you want out of life and a relationship, I believe from what I read in your profile. Your best feature is your heart, I saw so much light in you that I was drawn to mail you. You are so lighthearted and your smile so full of joy, I know that love can not bring understanding but understanding can bring about love, I believe there is a lot we need to learn from each other, they say a bird at hand is better than thousand in the sky*, I will love to know what you want as a person, you can contact me with my personal email account as I do not come on this site often."

The punchline? If the guy in the picture is really him (unlikely...) he is verrry good looking.

*Editor's query: They do? Who are they? Who says this?

Celebrity Birthday

Who else?

Bob is 68 today.

Ancient Bob. Olde Bob.

Goodbye cruel world

The former President of South Korea committed suicide after being accused of bribery.

You think Mulroney has read this story yet?

Don't do it, Brian! heh heh

Mulroney would never consider this because it would mean he thought about words like shame and humility. Not in his vocabulary. We can't even get him to shut his trap for 5 minutes.

Poles on my Street

Nothing ever happens on my street...except for today. This is a quiet residential street that far too often turns into a drag strip. And no wonder, it's quiet alright, but it's also four cars wide.

I came home this evening to find that the city had installed four black and yellow striped metal poles, spaced just wide enough for a car to go through. I assume these are like vertical speed bumps, forcing cars to slow down to thread the needle, so to speak.

How long until one of the poles gets dinged? I say it happens this evening; certainly before the end of the weekend. If Kumar was still around, I'd bet big money that he would be the first to mow down a pole, but that is highly, highly unlikely.

I suppose some young idiots will see these poles as a challenges, try to drive between them without slowing down at all.

Those who know the street, know that this is a very long block. So how come these bumblebee maypoles ended up exactly in front of me? They would've been more appropriately sited next door in front of the Crazy Pole.

Oh well, if they are anything like the Stop sign at the corner of Fielding and Walkley, they should get flattened at least once a week.

Biz as usual

Back to work: BOO
But it's Friday: YAY

Email woes

Note to Ms Mushrooms et al,

So apparently my home email is shooting blanks. I swear there were actual words in the body of my messages. I did not set my font to "invisible ink". Ms M, I sent another message to you from home but using my work email via "remote" (hi-tech, baby), but I doubt that you got that either.

I guess I am out of email communication until I'm back at work tomorrow. People can send me messages but I won't respond. Kind of like being on a dating website.

Goof-Off Day

It is literally too nice a day to work today. So I am at home.

I told the boss yesterday that if it was warm and sunny, I would not be in. And so I won't be.

Exciting backyard (and front yard) chores await!

Somebody Stop Me

You know how I always say I prefer salt over sweet. Chips over pastry.

IGA is ruining my life.

They have come out with Compliments brand glazed donuts. They are SO CHEAP I had to buy them. 6 for $1.59. They are really fresh and yummy and now I can't stop buying them. I hope IGA puts the price up soon, so I can stop. I think $1.59 for 6 is an introductory price for a new product. It is evil. Eeeeveeeeel. I know myself. Miss Frugal would not buy them if they were $2.99.

It is not like me to be obsessed by glazed donuts. I've bought them 3 times in 3 weeks. That's 18 donuts!

At this rate, I will never weigh 100 pounds. :(

I work for idiots

Late last month my esteemed employer was in the news over some pesky corruption and budget deficit problems. Frankly, compared to British MPs, we are small-time crooks, but I digress.

Last Friday, or so the paper tells us, the organization, being run by the massive intellects that it is, decided to send two cease-and-desist letters to the retired employee who was bad-mouthing us in the press. It also scolded, but didn’t threaten to sue, the reporter who covered the story, calling him “unprofessional”. Hey, he did his job. By the standards of this place, that’s unprofessional.

Our brave/foolhardy retiree says he will not be intimidated by these letters and has hired one of the most famous lawyers in the province to defend him.

This could get good.

Apparently there is quite a bit of risk here because a lawsuit (or counter-suit) might force us to open up our books and, well, we all know how red-faced we’ll be if that happens. Why the powers-that-be decided to pursue the retiree, heaven only knows.

What’s worse that a dim bulb organization? A self-righteous dim bulb organization.

Pre-emptive Celebrity Death News

I have been informed by JAW Fan that some things are no laughing matter, and he will not be producing a poetic tribute when Farrah kicks the bucket.

The Internet being what it is, I'm sure there will be plenty of other places to find tributes to Farrah and her cancer of the, ahem, nether region. But NOT HERE.

So, this being the case, let me take this moment to say one thing:

Ryan O'Neal is fat. He's a fattie. He deserves to be joked about, but apparently the cone of Farrah is protecting him from all catty attacks.

Lucky tub o'lard.

100

What do you do about a friend who has gone nuts on a diet? And, no, I'm not jealous.

One of my work pals started in January on one of those diets where the company sends you all your meals for the week, so you don't do any cooking. And she has stuck to it. All she has to buy are her fruit and vegetables.

She's lost over 25 pounds and she wasn't that big to begin with. Today I asked her how long she intends to stick with this. She said: I'd like to weigh 100 pounds.

I didn't say anything, but I suspect my hair was standing on end. It's one thing to weigh 100 when you are 20; it's a whole other thing to weigh 100 when you are 50-something.

Three words come to mind: Scrawny turkey neck.

I don't know how many pounds she still has to go, but she already looks too thin. She said she enjoys the control she feels on this diet. Being totally out-of-control myself these days, I can admire that. But I can't imagine aiming for 100 pounds. Yikes.

Holiday Weekend

This morning, a Russian colleague said to me: Happy Birthday to your Queen!

I guess that covers it.

Scam Artists

Back on Miscellaneous Wednesday, I mentioned an email I got from a man who works for Cadbury (I repeat: Nom Nom Nom) telling me his tale of woe and loneliness. And I felt sorry for the guy and wished him good luck in his search.

Yesterday, I get a message from a man in the UK and his tale of woe is surprisingly similar to Mr. Dairy Milk. Both said that they had been widowers for four years and were raising a daughter alone, and how difficult that was. UK man jumped the shark, however, by adding that both his parents also died in the fiery crash that killed his wife. And, I thought, hmmm I see. If he hadn’t thrown that parent thing in he was still believable. But he blew it.

Which got me to thinking about Internet scams and an episode of Fifth Estate I saw a few years ago about this con man who had married 2 or 3 women that he had met on a Christian (!!) dating website. And he’d basically taken all of them for every cent. He was married to more than one at a time, but none of the women knew about the others.

And now I’m thinking, is it really that easy? Are women of a “certain age” really such easy marks? Why is four years considered to be a good timeframe for their alleged widowerhood, and why say they are raising a daughter rather than a son? There’s got to be evidence that this is the kind of detail in the story that lures the lonely woman in. How cruel to exploit a person’s loneliness.

The Internet: Source of endless fascination and creepiness.

"I must confess..."

One of the great things about on-line dating sites is the email from the "fisherman". The fisherman is a guy who throws out a generic email to every woman on the site in the hope of reeling one in. I got one this morning. It says:

"Hi Gorgeous,
I must confess, you are such a gorgeous looking woman that every good man will desire to have as a partner. I have read through your profile and i must say, i think we could make a match. Please i will realy like to know you more better and lets see how to make this become a reality. I await your kind responds. Please do email me your email address for better communication."

I must say, I don't think he deserves a responds.

Argh!

I haven't written anything about Canadian politics in a long time. You would've thought that an MP who terrorizes her servants would've motivated me, but no. Oh well.

But last night I saw the Conservatives' new attack ad on Iggy and I was disgusted. Is there any other sitting government party that runs vicious attack ads on the opposition when an election hasn't even been called.

I'm not an Iggy fan. I have said more than once that I truly believe the man lies when he claims to read the Sports section. Lies! Lies, I tell you.

But this ad that says Iggy is a Canadian of convenience, not a true Canadian, is crap. God forbid an academic leaves the country to have a successful career. He should've lived his whole life among the intelligensia of Calgary, right? What garbage. Because good Canadians live their whole lives here, like Mulroney, the $300,000 man.

I hate Harper.

It's Miscellaneous Wednesday

1. I can’t believe I never got around to posting on the “name the new flavour of Doritos” contest. I saw the white bag with big black Question Mark so many times and thought, yeah, must remember to blog about this golden opportunity for chip-related immortality, but I never did it. Now some other bozos have gone ahead and won the thing. I think they called it Scream Cheese. I could be wrong. Oh well. Another golden opportunity lost.

2. Watching CNN the other night with a panel discussing this Florida priest who ended up in the tabloids for making out on the beach with his girlfriend. He’s a very popular priest so apparently this is big news and a big problem for the local Church. Also, he’s exceptionally good-looking, and not just for a priest. Better than Richard Chamberlain even. So, my point is, the whole time this panel is discussing the good-looking vow-breaking priest, the caption refers to him as “Father Cutie”. Which I thought was incredibly dumb. Until I realized that is his actual name. Father Cutie? Who is rather cute. Why did he even bother joining the Church? Female parishioners must’ve been after him from day one. Poor Cutie.

3. I got a long email from a man on the new dating site. He lives in Ontario and works at a near-perfect place. No, not Frito-Lay, but close. Cadbury. Nom nom nom. Unfortunately, his email was far too detailed and revealing for me to be interested. Any introductory email that includes references to “growing old together” is way over the line. Anyway, there are some lonely people out there. That’s for sure. I will send him a nice response, though, and maybe ask for a few free Dairy Milk samples.

4. For all you Biggest Loser watchers out there. Helen won. She weighed 117, and she looked awful. Dehydrated, like a body builder. She should’ve stopped at 147. But she’s now $250,000 richer, so she can put those 30 pounds back on by eating expensive fancy foods.

My view from the trenches

I’ve been comparing the types of men who frequent the two dating sites I am now a member of.

The free site seems to have an overabundance of “polyamorous” musicians. Not a great demographic in my book. If you are late 30s/early 40s and still thinking your musician dream is going to happen one of these days…well. Enuf said. And that’s not even touching on the polyamorous mantra, i.e. I have so much love to give I need more than one woman. Oh, please.

The new paying site, by comparison, has an overabundance of, well, jews. Seems like half the men in Cote St. Luc are on this site. It’s weird. Maybe I could’ve just saved myself $30+ dollars by simply hanging out at IGA more.

News from the trenches

(Picture me in a World War I tin hat.)

In the bitter world of the romantic mail box, things are not looking promising at all.

I have been back in the on-line dating world for a week now, and let me tell you, friends, it’s dead out there. Deader than a dead Dom. Ain’t nuthin’ happenin’. Only old reliable Ignatius has any interest in talking to me, and frankly, I have to find a polite way to ditch him soon. Other than that, it has been pfffft.

So yesterday I decided to spend a bit of money and join another site, a paying one, to see if I can change my luck. I figure that the old site had one relationship in it, and that is over, so time to try another. It’s like a baseball bat that only has so many hits in it. Once it’s empty you gotta change bats, right? I think this old site had only one hit in it. No way there’s a second Kumar there (or anywhere else, come to think of it. He was a unique character.)

In joining a paying site, I am deluding myself into believing maybe there’s a higher grade of man. Like eggs or chickens. If they are willing to shell out a few bucks, well, maybe they are different from the others. I know. Who am I kidding? Anyway, I’m only joining for a month. I’ve already made a note on my calendar to not renew come June.

(Any wagers on how many weeks I can go before I email Kumar and say, this breaking-up was a terrible idea, come back now!? I predict I don’t make it to June.)

On the teevee

The TV commercial I can’t stand these days is for a bank credit card, the one where two women are grocery shopping, and one says: what did you get, like, 2 dollars? And the smart-ass other one says: Yeah! What did you get? What a beeotch (as the kids say today). Let me attest that in English and French, although they are two different actresses, this nasty woman is equally annoying. I just want to smack her superior smug face. In either official language.

On the other hand, the commercial I absolutely completely lurve is for some kind of toilet paper, and it has the cutest dog in the world getting pampered at a spa. It is so far off the cute-o-meter, it makes me go awwwwh every time. There are two separate spots with little pampered pooch and they are equally heart-melting.

Do(o)msday

Dom DiMaggio, Joe's brother, died. Age 92.

First Dom DeLuise, now Dom DiMaggio. Is there any other famous, semi-famous, brother-of-someone-famous, named Dom that we can toll the death knell for?

Dom Perignon. Maybe they'll declare bankruptcy. What this the recession and all. It could happen.

Any other Dom's?

Stupid busy Friday

How do I stop this flood of work? Argh!

Seriously, this is eating into blogging time. No joke.

No Mo NaPoMo?

Today is the final day of extended NaPoMo.

I vote to continue it unofficially, as long as:

a) Ms. M is still in the running for fabulous prizes*.
b) JAW Fan still feels he has some rhymes left in him.

Therefore, I declare continuing NaPoMo as an optional, lifestyle choice.

Do it if you wanna,
but you don't hafta.

*In my dream, she wins a dinette set and a year-long supply of Rice a Roni, the San Francisco treat.

H1N1

We had an hour-long presentation on the non-swine flu yesterday. Of the whole briefing, I retained only one important fact:

No unnecessary handshaking or kissing.

On a related note, my colleague and I had a similar thought this morning. If the current strain of the virus is mild in Canada, and the strain that is expected to sweep through in the autumn is likely to be more virulent, why not infect us now with the mild version so that we will all be immune come autumn. So instead of avoiding the flu now, we should be seeking it out.

I vote for lots of completely unnecessary handshaking and kissing.

Celebrity Death Ode

Ladies and Gents...your attention please,
There's been a death...Dom Deluise.
As of today, he's no longer alive.
Died in his sleep at seventy-five.
Sadly we mourn this man's demise
'Cause along with him, the laughter dies.
And as you weep with eyes that hurt,
I know you're all saying "Why wasn't it Burt?"

--JAW Fan

Good News Dept.

Another day,
another gala.
She's on a roll.

Our Ms. Mushrooms' book has been nominated for a 2nd award. Is it another provincial award, you may ask? No way. It's a national award.

Today Canada
Tomorrow zie World.

I'm beginning to suspect that Stephen Harper is right. I mean, what do these "artists" do, except attend "galas" eh? What, exactly?

I may have to continue continuing NaPoMo, I wouldn't want to mess with the streak. (I know my Bull Durham. You don't mess with a streak.)

One of the other nominees, in a different category, is none other than JAW Fan's favourite creative writing teacher. You know the one I mean. Maybe Ms M. can dramatically toss a glass of champagne in his face. When she's at the gala. That's what artists do. Stephen Harper will back me up on that one.

Back to the ole Romantic Mail Box

Here we go, Spring has sprung and it is time for all good singles to go back on the hunt.

Having officially (mutually) declared things kaput with Kumar last weekend, I put my profile back up on the web site yesterday. And today I got my first message.....

...from Ignatius.

You remember Ignatius? Of course you do. Well, he's back. I'll answer to be polite but I'd like to think after 6 months he would've moved on to bigger and better things than me.

I'm a nerd magnet. (Maybe I should reassess the Kumar situation. Kumar: The Sequel is sounding better and better.)

NaPoMo + Chip Review = Delish

With only a few days left to go
In the extension of NaPoMo,
Here's a special treat for you
An all-rhyming chip review:

After getting tipsy Friday night
I had a craving for a salty bite
Stopped off at the corner store
And browsed around, like Zsa Zsa Gabor

When there before my eyes did see
A new Lays chip called "Sweet Chili"
T'was clear what needed to be done
Quickly bought the bag and tasted one.

Thin in size...much like Don Knotts
But a true surprise...as was Paul Potts.
Not really spicy...but so f * *king tasty
Needless to say, they were devoured hasty

After, the bag, I had finished attacking,
An experience that was mmmm lip-smacking,
I was glad I had stopped at the dépanneur
'Cause a pleasant treat, these chippies were

According to this potato-gorgin' guy,
These Lays are worthy of a repeat buy
Full of a flavour that's truly great
On the wang-o-meter...inches, eight.

(submitted by JAW Fan, who else?)

Bleh! Grumpy!

On Friday night, I worked until 2:45 a.m. Yes, a.m., i.e. in the morning. I didn't get home until 3:15, and didn't get to sleep until 4:00.

This screwed up my entire weekend. I could not get my sleep pattern back on track. Now, I have to try to get to sleep at a decent time tonight, and go back to work tomorrow.

I hope that if, dear reader, you ever have to claim compensation for damage caused to an aircraft by an act of unlawful interference, you think of me, and my colleagues who spent ridiculous hours on this subject. Crazy.

First of May

Today is May Day
Workers unite!
I hate my employer
And I want a fight

But this is not
A place for fightin’
It’s a place
For poetry writin’

The calendar sez
NaPoMo’s in the can
But I sez, no way
Bring on more iamb

We’d be stuck with just prose
If NaPoMo had ended
We’d be sad and morose
But we’re glad it’s extended

Am I right?