Wednesday, June 29, 2011

FF: *sigh*

FF emailed last night to ask for a loan. Or, to put it his way, to ask if I was okay with the idea that he ask for a loan.

I said he couldn't have one because I knew he would never be able to pay it back. He called me judgemental. ha! said I.

Overnight, he sent an apologetic email, saying he didn't want to get in a fight about it.

He will not get a loan from me, but he's smart enough to know that this is a bridge he must not burn. He may be nuts on many levels, but he's no fool.

In brighter news: I'm off work for a couple of days. Time to declutter. ha!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

On the road

FF update: He emailed this morning to say he is in Toronto and is already broke.

He has $15 to his name. When he arrived in Toronto yesterday he had $40. So where did that $25 go? I suspect beer. But I could be wrong. (Not likely, though.) It wasn't on pot because he stocked up with $50 worth in Ottawa. Even he can't go through $50 of pot in three days.

Shall we have a pool to predict the exact date he shows up on my doorstep? It will be way before November, won't it?

Monday, June 27, 2011

I had a Dream

I had one of those dreams last night where I wake myself up because I am laughing. I believe the Anonymi family is away this week, but I’ll post this now while I remember it and direct their attention to it for their return. This is because it involves Mr. Anonymous. He is the “star” of the dream.

In my dream, Mr. A. and I are married (!?) and we are in bed in that classic sit-com domestic arrangement where we are both sitting up, in our pajamas, reading our books. Mr. A. is wearing reading glasses, the half-moon type that Homer wears whenever he has reading glasses on.

Mr. A. is reading a John LeCarre type novel. Here is my reproduction of the cover.

Mr. A. pauses, and looks at me very seriously, and says “You know, I think I’ve figured out what is up with the main character in this novel.”

I say: “Oh yeah, what is it?”

And he says, completely unironically and without any kind of humorous intent: “He is an imposter”.

I woke up laughing.

Life is dull w/o FF

Since Fancy Feast left, there's nothing to talk about. Let's see...

On Saturday night, Smoothie came over for supper. Once again, he is insisting that I eat healthy, so he wanted to be in charge of the menu. I'm good with that. We had chicken, veggies, rice and sweet potatoes. But his "kitchen prep" is not good and I was hovering around him trying to get him to turn down burners that were too hot, etc., etc. He was getting pissed off at me, but we were saved by the bell, i.e. the phone rang.

And it was Fancy Feast on the line. The first call I'd received since he left. And guess what? He needed my help. He was at his brother's place in Ottawa and....wait for it...the computer wasn't working. I was polite enough NOT to ask if he broke it, but let's assume he did. So while Smoothie cooked away in the kitchen, I went on line at the Pirate Bay to find Windows keys and read them to FF who tried to restart his bro's computer. It didn't work.

I had to hang up because supper was ready. I told FF that Smoothie was making supper for me and his reaction was: "Great!"...followed by...."Is he a better cook than I am?" I could not answer because I hadn't tried Smoothie's cooking yet. FF said he will call back soon and I am to tell him who is the better chef. He has no worries; he is far superior to Smoothie. Smoothie cooks like a regular person; FF cooks as if his life depends on it. I'm still trying to figure out how to lose those 6 pounds he gave me.

I hadn't missed FF at all since his departure. In fact, I was relishing my newly spacious home. But after talking to him, I kinda miss the big lug. He said he'll be back in November...

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Fancy Feast Saga has come to an end

FF departed for Ottawa a couple of hours ago. Loaded down with camping gear, he could barely stand up straight. I said he was going to fall over backwards because his knapsack was so heavy and bulky, and he would lie on the sidewalk, arms and legs flailing, like a bug.

I will miss him. The last 2 and 1/2 months have been a very fun, interesting and exasperating time.

Now I need to check how much more grey hair I have, compared to back on 31 March.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Life with Fancy Feast, Part XXXIV

We were at Canadian Tire today, looking for a tent for FF's cross-country hitch-hiking trip. We didn't find the one he wanted. He's on his own to keep looking tomorrow. He needs to go to the CT near Angrignon. Maybe an Anonymous can help him....? heh heh.

Anyway, near the front, he stops at a display. It is a box of small candle holders, the ones that float that you can put in your pond to light it up at night.

FF: I used these in the bath.
Me: Really?
FF: Yeah, I like the glow of the floating candles.
Me: I didn't know you were such a romantic.
FF: I had floating lights and scented candles that smelled like the beach.
Me: How romantic!
FF: And music playing, of course.
Me: You really surprise me. I had no idea you were so romantic.
FF: (pause) I was alone.
Me: What?
FF: I was alone.
Me: Why would you go through all that trouble if you were alone?
FF: It felt nice and it was relaxing.
Me: I really thought you were describing something you did with a girl.
FF: Nope. Just me. Hey. Sometimes when there's nobody else to pamper you, you just have to pamper yourself.
Me: I suppose you're right.

Five hours later, I'm still shaking my head over that one.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Hey, I'm Ordinary

Except for the Ontario part, this would be me. From The Globe & Mail:

Daily alcohol consumption, marijuana smoking and psychological distress rates among adults are on the rise, potentially troubling trends that could have major health implications, a new report warns.

The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto released a survey Monday that found a growing number of Ontario adults are drinking alcohol every day, using cannabis and reporting symptoms associated with poor mental health.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Doomed to Obesity

BGTSmoothie stopped by my office just now to collect something. It was 3:00 p.m. I met him in the lobby and he handed me a bag from McD's. What is this? I asked. It was a cheeseburger. Why would I need a cheeseburger in the middle of the afternoon. He said that he doubted that a "woman like you" would go from lunch to supper without a snack. Yes, I might have an afternoon snack, but it would never be a cheeseburger.

I had to accept it because he could not take it back because a cheeseburger combines meat and dairy and that isn't kosher. So I was stuck with a dilemma. Eat it or throw it out. *sigh* Because I am the kind of person who cannot throw out perfectly good food, I ate it. It was tasty. I was not in the least bit hungry. I'm mad at myself and at Smoothie.

I had leftover fish-n-chips from last night's supper (we ordered in) for lunch and I am having a rib eye steak (prepared by FF) for supper. And now a cheeseburger in between. Last week I was complaining about my weight to the Tall Teacher and he said "Hey, 100 more pounds and you can be on the Biggest Loser". Maybe I should aim for that. *sigh* (bis)

The End of the Pot Blog?

Latest report is that Fancy Feast will be departing my humble abode on Thursday. I guess that will be the end of my pot education. On Saturday, he came home excitedly saying that he had something for me to try, but he lost it. It was hash. It was lost. He didn't know where. What a pot head.

Friday, June 10, 2011

JAW Fan's Healthy Food Review

In an attempt to help promote Healthy Eating and Dieting, here is the first Fruit and Vegetable Review:

For months now, I have been bewildered and amazed by the freaky-looking Dragon Fruit. I have espied them not only at my local Fruit and Veggie store, but also in the big name grocery chains. They are so interesting in appearance, mysterious and strange, the exotic black-speckled white interior conjures up images of hot rippling-muscled men in Speedos (why? I’m not quite sure…must be all the pot fumes drifting out the windows of my neighbours) What could this oddity possibly taste like? Sweet and sexy? Bitter and bad-ass? Tangy and tumescent? Who knows?... at close to five f**king bucks a fruit, I wasn’t about to find out. That is, until this week. Whilst sashaying through the store, my 1970s-style high-thigh short-shorts exposing just a glimpse of underwear (OK, walking through the store in baggy-style shorts…but the image just ain’t the same!!!), I noticed one of these magnificent beauties sitting on the quick-sale rack at the incredible low price of one buck. And, no, I wasn’t at Dollarama! So, naturally, I hopped on that baby quicker than Richard Simmons would have hopped on me had I actually been wearing those thigh-high short-shorts. When I got home, I was all eager and agog, shaking with the pre-taste jitters…I sliced into the pink exterior, exposing its white pulp, cut out a piece, and slipped it ever so anxiously into my mouth…What did it taste like? Well, let me tell you…absolutely nothing!!!! I have never tasted anything that had absolutely no taste whatsoever!!! And they have the nerve to sell this sucker for $5 a pop. F**k you, people!!!! You can take your Dragon Fruit and fly away with it!!! And to think that PC often sells their fabulous chips at 3 bags for $5 (each one with an International flavour all their own). Guess I know where I’ll be spending that extra five dollars from now on.

In short: Dragon Fruit = Some People Will Buy Anything.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

D'Oh! Stupid Pot

I decided to google the pot laws in case it is still illegal to smoke it in the privacy of your own home. Turns out it is. Now I know.

Funny story, I googled several articles on pot laws in Canada, and then suddenly my work computer crashed with a virus. So I had no computer at work for the entire afternoon and who knows how long it will take tomorrow before the IT guy comes 'round to fix it.

Moral of the story: Pot is bad for one's productivity.

In other pot news, FF's mother sent him some money. As he was heading out tonight he said "I've got $25 in my pocket", which translates to "I'll have pot in my trouser cuff when I get home."

Dave's not here, man.

Born on the Bayou

On Monday we were watching MasterChef. There was a contestant from the Bayou who had prepared an alligator dish for the judges. One of the judges had never tasted alligator so he asked which other meat did it most closely resemble.

The answer. Toad.



I got home last night, and the living room windows were open so I could enjoy the pot smell whilst still on the front porch.

I went in and found FF sitting in the living room, eating something, and watching Everybody Hates Chris* on the laptop. I asked "So what did you do today?" FF replied: "You're looking at it."

So I went to a movie with Smoothie. We saw the Jay Baruchel movie that was filmed just off Sherbrooke Street. It is not good, but it has lots of cute cats in it, which was enough to salvage it for me, but not for Smoothie who is still complaining about it today. He left a long rant on IMDB about everything that is wrong with it. I say, chill, dude, it's just a movie.

*That show is really funny. I'll have to watch more episodes.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

In "Weed" News

To follow up on the Pringles story...

When I got home last night, FF was asleep on the couch and the house smelt like pot. He drowsily said, I was waiting for you so we could decide on supper.

We decided on Chalet. Of course! (An aside on the delivery vehicle from Chalet. It made so much noise, I am certain every neighbour must've looked out their windows to see who the hell it was. It looked like it delivered chicken on weeknights and participated in demolition derbys on weekends. Not pretty. And was driven by the third runner-up in the NDG David Crosby Look-alike Contest. Again, not pretty.)

Anyway, we ate our 1/4 breasts of chicken and then FF decided he would have his 3rd joint of the day. He said: "This may be inappropriate, but do you want to join me?" I shrugged. He said, "No, you are probably just a weekend toker."

Try to picture how hard I laughed at the idea of myself as a "toker" of any kind, weekend or weekday or 24/7. Nanuk and toker don't really go in the same sentence.

So he rolled his joint, and I had two ineffectual puffs. So much for that. Then he said he was not at all worried about me becoming a habitual user because once he is gone, there is no way in hell I'm going to find myself a dealer. Finally, he is right about something. The only scenario more ridiculous than "Nanuk the toker" is "Nanuk and her dealer."

After his Chalet meal, he had a beer, then two oranges, one Twizzler (I held on tight to the bag), then another beer, then the rest of the olive bread, then a cheese sandwich. Then he went to bed. I guess that's the munchies. do I get rid of this guy?

The last straw?

Pringles are on sale for 99 cents this week. On Sunday, unable to resist, I bought a can of SC&O.

SC&O are not only my favourite flavour, they are also FF's favourite. When he came home, his eyes lit up. "Pringles!" he chirped happily. In an effort to keep him away from them, he insisted that I dole out a few to him rather than let him take them out of the can. Which I did. All fine and good, and under control.

On Monday I got home from work, I looked in the cupboard and no Pringles were to be seen. I looked in the trash and there was my beloved green SC&O can. "I am going to KILL you", I said, walking toward him making a choking gesture. "Why?" he asked. There was a short pause, while I stared accusingly at him. "Oh, the Pringles" he said sheepishly. "I started eating them and then suddenly it was like oh shit they're all gone. Sorry."

He's got until Wednesday close of business to replace them at 99 cents. Otherwise, he'll be replacing them at $1.49.


What is it with men and their wieners? I'm referring specifically to the New York Congressman (named Weiner) who has admitted tweeting pictures of his weenie to several women. He's a Congressman, and he doesn't have the self control to NOT send pictures of his wang to strangers?

I will never understand the male brain.

On the positive front, I am unaware of Jacques Parizeau ever tweeting pics of his Johnson. So things could always get worse.

Monday, June 06, 2011

By Jove

From the Globe & Mail:
"Three influential members of the Parti Québécois have abruptly quit the sovereigntist party, saying it has lost its way. The bombshell announcement includes the wife of the party's most popular living legend;..." They are taking about Parizeau's wife here.

The party's most popular living legend? Says who? When has Blaque Jacques ever been anything other than a pompous old windbag?

And how was your weekend?

I don't want to say that we are turning into a stoner household, but on Saturday morning, after our bacon and eggs, FF asked if it was okay if he smoked. I said, sure, then joined him. Yep. Smoking pot at 10:30 on Saturday morning. I blame it all on my employer. If I wasn't so miserable at work, I wouldn't be looking for such an escape on the weekend. Right? I said, amiright?

On Saturday afternoon, he asked if he could smoke again, this time outside. I said sure. He said your CPN's are outside. I said: all the better. If they can smell it and it bugs them, it's a Win. So we sat out in the backyard, reading our books, and passing a joint back and forth. I still cannot smoke it right. Such a nerd. FF approaches Depp-like levels of coolness in his actions, while I cough and mutter that I'm not feeling anything. I keep thinking my nose is going to catch fire.

At 7:00 last night we were lying in the living room, drinking beer, smoking pot* and watching The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Great movie.

I love being 50.

*Clarification: FF was enjoying pot while I once again attempted to smoke and failed miserably at it. What am I missing? I'm apparently doing it right, but I'm not feeling anything, except being very tired and lethargic and lying on the couch enjoying Eli Wallach. Is that it? Is that all there is to it? Seems like much ado about nothing.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

In Fatty News

Last night I was planting geraniums and pulling weeds. I felt winded and had a fair amount of trouble getting up and down from the grass. I was really tired after just an hour. True, it was humid, but still. That is no excuse.

This is how fat I have gotten. I'm too fat to garden. My roly-poly belly is cutting off my breathing. Is this finally the moment of truth? Is this at last the time to say enough of this weight problem?

Yes. Just as soon as I have a bag of those Ranch Chipotle chips. Once I'm done with those, I'll be seriously dieting. Seriously.