Sunday, November 29, 2009

Really slow news weekend

Headline of the day goes to the Times of London:

Crouching Tiger, hidden hydrant.

You would swear that Woods is the first guy in history to have his wife attack him with a golf club. Doesn't this happen every day?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

2009? pfffft It's already so over

It's an early start to the New Year.

Work is in turmoil, and I'm living on junk food, with predictable results. So yesterday, rock bottom day, I decided to get an early start on my New Year's resolutions in a valiant attempt to get life under control before it becomes all about sleepless nights and an additional 5 pounds to lose.

I feel like I've been in a hitchcockian spiral for too long. It has to end.

2010 starts for me next Tuesday, December 1.

Friday, November 27, 2009

A propos of nothing much

I am an avid obituary reader. I can't even blame this on middle age. I've always read 'em.

So imagine my delight when I spotted one today where the deceased's nickname "Big Sexy" is featured prominently. Like, right in the heading of the obit. Not just in the body of the thing. It's like part of his official name.

I may have to reconsider. Maybe I don't want to be known as the Mastermind behind [blank], maybe I want to be known as "Big Sexy".

I'm likin' this idea.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Half a Day Off

Boozy the Spy did not schedule a meeting for this morning, so I've done the natural thing. Taken the morning off! Whee.

I slept in as late as the cats would let me, i.e. a whole hour. I slurped coffee while skimming the NY Times on-line, and I shall pop by the "guichet" to pay some bills before heading for the office.

I also washed out the litter boxes so as to feel that I did do some constructive manual labour in my time off.

I'm still not sure what this whole consultancy scheme is going to accomplish, if anything. It has put some zing into our normally routine office life. There is that.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Things get interesting in a good way (for a change)

In the continuing saga of the workplace....turns out that Boozy the Spy used to be the head of the department in Head Office in NYC where I applied twice last year and was rudely rejected. She's been retired for 8 years.

So I sat down with her and asked: what is it you people want? What did I do wrong? What do I have to do?

She was eager to hear me out and gave me a plan of action for getting my foot in the door in the right dept in NYC while avoiding the nasty, nasty people in their HR department. I was very excited by this prospect.

So call me Quisling. I am now consorting with the "enemy". Also, she is a direct path to The Phantom and my opportunity to get my name on his radar. If I impress Boozy, I will impress The Phantom.

Suddenly, I'm a playa. How did that happen?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Spy Who Loves Me

I had a long talk with my boss, Mrs. David Brent, today. I dunno what to think. Now the story is that her boss, The Phantom, wants to e-x-p-a-n-d our department, add new jobs and promote the existing staff.

As Charo used to say: Do ju think I was born tomorrow?

In her clumsy, unguarded way, she basically told me that in 5 or 6 years, I (Nanuk of the North, the Mastermind behind [blank]) will be the boss of this expanded department.

She also let slip who she thinks will get the short end of the stick, and it's the colleague I am closest to and trust the most. One who is actually a close friend. Nice, eh?

All this to say that our consultant, Boozy the Spy, is here to provide us (or... some of us) with the advance training that will give us an advantage in getting the promotions that are coming in the magical-land-of-Oz-expanded-department of the future. She's here to HELP us.

Tra-la-la. Let us all dream pretty dreams. I want a pony!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Stop me if you've heard this one

My boss (let's call her Mrs. David Brent) has to retire. Now. Before she destroys us all through her incompetence.

Yesterday, she called a "quick" meeting to inform us that her boss, the guy we still have not been introduced to after 3 1/2 months (i.e. the Phantom), hired a "consultant" to do a "review" of our department. Without telling Mrs. Brent.

My colleague said: She's a Spy. The Phantom has sent in a spy.

The spy started yesterday. She was already in the building when we had our little meeting to inform us of her arrival. The Spy is allegedly going to watch us do our jobs, "coach" us and even assign us tests and assignments. Fuck that shit! We've all been in our jobs more than 10 years, and now we're going to be tested? We were all tested when we got these jobs. We will soon be beating a path down to the ombudsman's office.

Mrs. Brent told us: "Don't bother going ballistic. When I was told, I went ballistic for ALL of us!" Knowing how she cowers in the face of all authority, I would imagine her version of going ballistic was to chew her pencil and look nervously around the room.
My other colleague wondered why the Phantom would've brought the Spy in without Mrs. Brent's knowledge. I said: when you know someone's a dud, you work around them.

On the lighter side, after we were introduced to the Spy, who is a retired British lady, my colleague said: "She looks like somebody who enjoys a drink". This was said in an approving way.
The next 5 weeks should be interesting.

Saturday, November 14, 2009


Ever since Khaled Sheik Mohammed's trial in NYC was announced, I have lost count of the number of times I have heard "Khaled Sheik Mohammed, the Mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks".

I like that title. I want to be known as the Mastermind behind [blank].

Behind something. I don't know what.

So when people talk about me, I want them to say "you mean, Nanuk of the North? the Mastermind behind [blank]?"

It doesn't have to be diabolical.

Anything at all.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Lou has left the building

Whoo hoo. Lou Dobbs quit CNN. I didn't watch his final appearance but I'm sure he was in a huff of some kind.

I won't miss him. Maybe Lou will retire to Mexico? hardy har har.

Will this make me watch CNN more? No. I turned it on yesterday and that dim bulb Tony Harris was trying to look serious and "interested". I just could not take him. Why does that nitwit still have a job?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Remembrance Day

My nephew is a guest speaker at his old high school today.

As a reservist, he was asked by one of his former teachers to sit up front on the panel to represent the guys in uniform. But over the weekend one of the speakers dropped out, so my nephew got the call and was asked to speak.

He is the 4th generation of our family to join the forces either actively at war (WWI: my grandfather and WW2: my father) or as a reservist (my bro-in-law).

I read his speech. And it is pretty good. I'm sure he will do well. He is not afraid of public speaking, unlike his aunt.

Thumbs Down

I was upset to see the story on the news last night that some asshole vandalized the cenotaph in Fredericton.

Some people really are scum.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Why I want the job.

I’ve been in the same department for 10 years. My boss is a lovely compassionate woman, but frankly, she is a lousy manager. She has no long-term plan and simply reacts to everything. She never takes the initiative to make our department better. She would claim she is putting out fires, but I don’t believe it. She’s just not a clear-thinking manager. I’ve been bitching about this forever, and this is the reason that I think I need to apply for the job.

It’s a case of: You think you can do better??? Well, yeah, I think I can. The department needs a backbone. And I need more stimulation.

Of course, it would be quite a bit more money both in salary and into the pension pot, but that’s not the prime motivation. I make enough to live now. But I’m bored and unchallenged. And as Cartman might say: I want some authori-tie.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Today's Poll

My boss will be retiring in about two years. Over the weekend, I decided I want her job. The question of the day is: when do I start laying groundwork and making murmurings about this?

A. Now, to mark your territory and discourage other applicants.
B. A year from now.
C. When the official vacancy is published.
D. Never, you don’t really want this job. You are, at heart, a lazy ass.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Long-winded narrative about an on-line romantic scammer

When I retire from my glorious current employment, I will become a private investigator as my second career. The Internet makes it so easy!

As I wrote below, the Invisible Man’s email provided his full name. It is an unusual name so I decided to google him to see if there was anything about him out there in cyberland. There was only one thing.

(Aside: has anyone been Googling for the past few days. It is so cute. Every day they have a different Sesame Street character in the title. Today’s its Elmo!)

He (the Invisible Man, not Elmo) is the subject of a long rant on a site about “romance scammers”. A woman wrote it to say that her aunt was being conned by some man she met on the Internet and is in love with. It’s a long story so I’ll just post the original complaint:

Quote He’s asking her for money to help him get back to Canada. She’s almost sending out $925 plus willing to send money for a plane ticket. Do you know this guy? He says he’s from Malaysia and his wife died and his 2 kids are staying with his sister in law. His friend died in the UK and he flew over there lost his wallet in the cab. He’s a real estate agent. He's rich of course. Now he wants her to sign over her power of attorney... Help!!! Unquote.

It got worse. Over the course of a few months, it appears the woman sent him five thousand bucks.

Later, he shows up on the site defending himself and his reputation. It’s the same guy who emailed me for sure. The email address is the same, and the writing style is too. I won’t post his name, because I don’t want him or anyone involved with him coming to this peaceful little blog. Email me if you want to read it all.

So I emailed him, and said: Hey, guess what? I Googled you, pal, and saw the whole story. I told him he could respond any time, but somehow, this time around, I’m really not expecting to hear back from him.

Is it time to give up on the Romantic Male Box? Time to return to fruitlessly lusting after a Scotsman at work? Or try to reconcile with Kumar? It’s a weird world out there.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

The Return of the Invisible Man

I really was not expecting to blog this, but holy crap, the Invisible Man wrote back.

He claims he was scared out of his wits by the whole on-line dating "thing" and decided to escape.

Well. Now what? I have his full name. He doesn't have mine. heh heh.

I'll answer and see how things go.

Of course, if b) below turns out to be true, he will be dead to me.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Nancy "Nanuk" Drew

I have decided to play detective.

I went back to the Romantic Male Box this morning to see if there is any news from the Invisible Man. I was surprised to see that his profile had been deleted.

Now, who among us doesn't love a mystery, eh? Especially when we are bored.

Fortunately for the (Old) Girl Detective, the Invisible Man had provided his yahoo email address in one of his messages, and even though his account was deleted, his messages to her were not.

So, why not? I emailed him at his yahoo account, telling him exactly this: that I loves me a good mystery and I'd like to know what happened?

Will he respond? Stay tuned for the next chapter in The Case of the Missing Cyber Man.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Romantic Male Box - The Resurrection

I exchanged three emails with this man who seemed normal. In his last message, he suggested we meet up. I answered in the affirmative. This was four days ago. And….I haven’t heard from him since.

Should we take this to mean:

a) He has croaked from H1N1.
b) His wife found out about his on-line shenanigans.
c) He’s actually a 14-year-old in Laval.
d) He’s upset about Mayor Doofus’s re-election and has been in a drunken stupor unable to face the world since the weekend.
e) He is secretly Defense Minister Peter Potato-Head and suddenly realized he is getting married.

Other suggestions welcome.


Who cares about Swine Flu? The big exciting news today is that Alec Baldwin will be co-hosting the Oscars.


Not that anyone cares, but his co-host will be Steve Martin.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Choo choo

Warren Buffet bought a railroad!

My first thought was: He's Mr. Monopoly. But some wise-ass commenter at the Globe & Mail beat me to it, saying that B&O, Reading, Short Line and Pennsylvania were next.

I loved Monopoly as a kid. Haven't played in a long, long time.

They should put Warren Buffet's picture on the Monopoly box instead of Jacques Parizeau's. By jove.

Speaking of riches beyond my imagination, I see that the new lotto has a prize of $50 million this week. I guess I have to shell out the $5 to give it a try. $50 million. As my sis said: That would totally ruin our lives. I had to agree. So, of course, we're both buying tickets.

I'm sick at home today, with the non-swine-flu. I feel so untrendy having a regular cold. I'm old fashioned.

Monday, November 02, 2009


Well, sigh, Mayor Doofus is back for 4 more glorious years.

Makes you wonder if democracy really is the best form of government 'cause, frankly, the people are idiots.

Not that we had much of a choice. It was a really poor field.

At least the mafia can sleep soundly at night, knowing their contracts are safe. Keep picking up my garbage and fallen leaves, you trusty mafia guys. Much appreciated.

Speaking of the mafia, 60 Minutes had a cool story about The Yakuza last night. Did you know that their tattoos are so dense, they can't sweat. And this leads to many of them getting liver disease? The things you learn. TV is very educational.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Post H'ween Wrap-up

I only had 25 Halloweeners instead of the 37 I had anticipated. I gave away most of the mini chocolate bars, but guess who is going to being eating Twizzlers for the next week? ...or possibly for just the next couple of days, should I go on a Twizzlers binge.

Did everyone get fewer kids than usual? Ms Mushrooms wonders if this is an H1N1-related decline. Could be.

Best fringe benefit of Halloween: The occasional handsome dads who are out on the sidewalk, waiting for their kids. They always wave and say thanks. Nice!