Monday, December 31, 2012
Too much Whitney, not enough Davy Jones!
Too much Whitney, not enough Sherman Hemsley!
Not enough Adam Yauch!
Not enough Phyllis Diller!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
But my wee troubles were nothing compared to FF's ordeal in getting home from work. I shall quote his email:
I went to work. The day ended early, at 3 PM instead of 5 PM. The train never showed up, I ended up taking a different train (after 1 hour of waiting in the freezing cold wind and getting mild frost burn) that let me off at Parc, where I took the metro to Vendome and found that the buses all broke down in random positions on the road. I had to walk 3 KM through big mountains of snow. By the time I got home, I had frost burn on my hands and legs, and was wet up to my knees. I told them I didn't want to repeat that on Friday, they gave me the day off - unpaid.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Despite it being Festivus I will not air any grievances, nor perform feats of strength today. I must rest up for Christmas eating starting tomorrow night.
Happy news today. My niece and her bf stopped in and announced that they got engaged last night. They are very happy. The wedding is at least two years away, so I don't have to worry about finding clothes that fit just yet... bring on the Christmas eats.
Happy Holidays to everyone!
And a P.S. Speaking of my niece, she shares a birthday with Mr. Knuckles. And since Mr. K's birthday often seems to get ignored in the hub-bub aftermath of Christmas, I take this early opportunity to wish Happy B-Day to him. My niece turns 27, and Knuckles turns...slightly older than 27.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Only 2/3 of the stolen syrup has been recovered, which means there's $10 million in contraband still hidden out there. I hope we don't become a syrupy Mexico. Instead of Santo defending us, we will have Bonhomme.
The most interesting part of this story to me was the fact that Quebec holds strategic reserves of maple syrup. Stategic reserves. That's not black gold, it's golden gold. mmm.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
I'm glad the authorities appear to have placed him in a sanctuary and didn't give him back to the dumbass humans who decided they wanted a monkey as a pet. A monkey is not a pet, I don't care how dapper he is in his little shearling coat.
Word of the day is "dapper".
Sunday, December 09, 2012
She was complaining that the new govt has increased the taxes on wine. I agreed.
Then she said: "That Madame Marois. She's going to get a bullet."
"Really?" I said.
"Oh yes. The mafia....when they shoot...they don't miss."
"You think so?"
"Oh yes, Mark my words."
Then I thought, who are you? Joe Pesci? but I didn't say anything else.
Mark my words.
Friday, December 07, 2012
I bought some stuff last week that is being shipped from British Columbia. The store sent me a link to track my stuff. On the 4th, I saw that it was scanned and departed Richmond, BC. On the 5th and yesterday, I checked in the morning and in the evening, and nothing. Of course, I realize if it is coming from BC it needs a day or so to get GET HERE, but I still wanted the tracker to show me some progress. Something like "flying over the (freezing) Praries", but no. Nothing.
But this morning, I see that my package arrived in Lachine and has been scanned, so it should be delivered today or Monday. Yay. It's not even an Christmas present, but there is something so exciting about knowing my purchase is now close by.
I need more of a life.
This is what happens when I have no news from Fancy Feast for over a week.
Sunday, December 02, 2012
I saw Skyfall last week and thought that it was a lot of fun. Unbelievable, ridiculous, over the top, yes. But it was a great way to spend 2 hours plus.
But someone mentioned something that has been bugging me for 2 days now. If all agents use aliases, then why does the gravestone of Bond's parents say "Bond"? Is this explained anywhere in a previous movie or in a book? Is Bond the only MI6 agent who uses his real name? It seems especially clumsy since M makes a point of saying of what Javier Bardem's real name is, and what his agent name was. (No, she does not say his real name is Javier Bardem.) But then it appears that Bond is Bond's real name.
Maybe Bond's real first name is Raoul, and only James is an alias? I dunno.
Spoiler alert: RAFE! I'm so glad he is the new M. Although he is not aging well. He'll be 50 this month and he looks it. This is the problem with being overly beautiful in one's youth. There's nowhere to go but down. As all of us know. ha ha.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
So I stayed home today. Taking my final "sick day" of the year. They won't miss me and my (non)work.
What did I do yesterday at the office? Glad you asked. I spent a good part of the morning on the website of our pension fund. They have a benefits calculator. And I plugged in every year from 2013 to 2023. 2023 should be my official retirement date. Of course, retiring in 2023 is a joke, because I assume by then our HQ will be located in Beijing, and I won't be going there. We've started constructing a "sub office" but who is kidding who? They are moving to China in the next decade. I'm betting on it.
Anyway, so I now have a nice list of what I would be earning if I took retirement or QUIT at any point in the next 10 years. What does this serve? Nothing. But it was fun to plug in the numbers.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
On the positive side, neither is it my incompetent colleague.
It is some guy from Europe. It will take him 3 months to move here, so we will continue to have no boss until the middle of February. We have been without an official boss since June.
With no boss, one would think I would be doing a lot more blogging. I've been doing nothing for so long, I can't remember what it is like to put in a full day's work.
My biggest fear was that Ms. Incompetent would get promoted and become Ms. Incompetent Drill Sargeant Boss, but that didn't happen, so it is a big relief.
I'll just continue to (non)toil away here in my (non)career.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Now imagine that unopened bag of tasty morsels is at your fingertips, just ready for you to rip it open and indulge. But...your fingers are broken. Both your hands are in plaster casts. All you can do is stare longingly at the unopened Doritos bag. You wish you had sufficient telepathic power to open the bag using your mind alone. But alas you cannot.
Now. For the bag of Doritos, substitute a 14-month full-pay severance package. And for your plaster cast hands, substitute JAW Fan trying to wrap up his job.
As Al Pacino might put it, every time he gets close, they pull him back in.
Instead of 30 November, it now appears that JAW's last day at the office will 31 January 2013.
Those Doritos were so close he could almost taste them. But they shall remain achingly on the shelf for two more months.
Last day of work: 31 January. Plane to Mexico: 1 February. That's barely enough time to pack his Speedo.
So, in 2009, we are driving in NH and I am looking for the Old Man of the Mountain. We drive and drive and I say to my sister, that's really weird, I thought we couldn't miss it.
Cut to this morning, in 2012, and while reading a totally unrelated story, I learn that the Old Man of the Mountain collapsed back in 2003. Nine years ago. Why did I never hear about this? No wonder I couldn't find it. Somebody should've told me!
Monday, November 19, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Most of the dishes were courtesy of the girlfriend and they were all successful, so at the end of the evening, I said to FF: "So what do I need you for?" He said "I know".
Twice during the day, I got panicked calls from him, asking if I could go to IGA and pick up this and that because they were running late and forgot stuff. This stressed me out, but I did it. Then at 5:20 he calls and says "uh, I have to cancel". Long pause on my end. "Just kidding!" he says. "We're almost ready to go". He is the type of person who should NEVER make a "I have to cancel" joke because it's too likely to be true.
Anyway, my guests seemed to be impressed. We were stuffed to the gills. One person brought home two doggy bags, and I have tons of leftovers. I didn't get the bill for the food yet. That's going to hurt because I know that, in true FF form, he overspent like crazy. But I was expecting that.
Now I can relax. And eat leftovers. Until I am unwell.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Despite my acknowledged love of fatty foods that are bad for me, I have to say I have never been a fan of this type of snack. I'm not a cake person. I'm sure someone will correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think Hostess existed here when we were kids. Seems to me that when I saw t.v. commercials for Hostess Twinkies they were some exotic foreign American delicacy that was unavailable at home. We had Vachon, and that was enough. I didn't eat tons of Half Moons or Jos. Louis as a kid, though I admit I had an flaky apple turnover in my lunch pail on a regular basis.
On the other hand, if Frito Lay announced that it was going out of business, this blog would be wreathed in black, and I would be on long-term distress leave from work. Despair.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
(He added that he now understands that the expression "explosive diarrhea" is literally true. Should that really have been in the same email?)
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
I hope it keeps adding new Generals and other Real Housewives of Tampa on a daily basis.
If he was head of the CIA and he didn't know that your private email account can still be checked, well, he was one lousy head of espionage. Didn't they at least make him take a computer literacy test?
I have images of Mrs. Petraeus whacking her cheatin' husband with a frying pan. You [whack] scoundrel [whack]! Go back to Kabul, you cad.
Monday, November 12, 2012
On Friday, he emails me "I'll get back to you over the weekend." I sent two texts and last night another email, saying "call me on your break at work". I'm still waiting.
None of this is a surprise. One of my guests dropped by yesterday while I was raking endless leaves, and I told her to be ready for a meal cooked by Yours Truly. She said she's ready for a pot luck.
So I'm planning my own menu. At least the dining room has been cleared out and the good dishes are ready to be used for the first time in years and years.
I hope he's in jail. Nothing else will be a good enough excuse. (But am I surprised? No. Not at all.)
Saturday, November 10, 2012
OK, he had an affair. So what? That's his business and his wife's business (and his girlfriend and her husband's businesses, I guess). But how does that affect the CIA?
It was an affair a) with a woman who was b) of the age of majority and c) consenting and d) apparently not a spy. I don't get why he had to resign and why Prez O accepted his resignation. In Europe, this would get a yawn.
The Americans really need to develop better sex scandals.
Update: it's now clear why Petraeus was running those 10 k's in the Afghan hills every day. He had to stay in shape for multiple extramarital boinking. Happy Veteran's Day, General.
Friday, November 09, 2012
I have planned an evening of fine dining at my home, with the cooking to be done by Fancy Feast (and his gf, more on this later). Next weekend, three of the girls from work are coming over to be dined. (They will be wined also, but have offered to bring their own. Nice.)
Is it possible to calculate the number of ways in which this evening can go terribly, terribly wrong? No, it is not possible. So let the chips fall where they may. (Not those kind of chips.)
My primary worry right now is that state of the romance between FF and PS (Poor Sara). Things are rocky. They are supposed to be moving to a bigger place, so they are apartment hunting. But things are tense on the homefront, so FF decided that once the apartment is rented, he needs to move into it ALONE for a month or so because he needs some "space". He told her she and her 2 kids can stay in the current place, and move a month later. So, how could that possibly be a problem, right? After all, they've been living together for a good two months now. Insanity.
I asked: How are these problems going to affect my dinner? Is she going to show up or what? He insists that yes, she'll participate. The dinner will not be affected by their internal affairs.
Second problem: As of this week, FF is working two jobs and is away from home (i.e. away from the girlfriend) from 6:30 in the morning til 11:00 at night. It must be bliss for her. So what kind of shape is he going to be in next Saturday, two weeks into this two-job schedule? Will he fall alseep in his butternut squash?
Fortunately, the girls from work are aware that they are guinea pigs in this catering biz and have said "Hey, if we end up having to order pizza, so be it." So be it.
Monday, November 05, 2012
And worse yet, the most likely successor for the job is Applebaum, the mayor of my "arrondissement". Yes, we call our 'hoods "arrondissements" so we can pretend we are JUST LIKE PARIS. So fucking pathetic we are.
I'm so SICK of living in this corrupt city in this corrupt province. I need to move to a nice, clean-living place. Maybe Sicily.
P.S. Yes, I do recognize that in his own way, Mayor Blimp of Toronto, is worse.
This puts Prez O. miles ahead of your average Montreal crime boss.
This morning in Blainville: "Honey, there's a body in the driveway of the house across the street." "Is it that old Italian guy?"
Thursday, November 01, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
The kid is old enough to be embarrassed. What can you do when your dad is a bigger Halloween party animal than you are? The kid said "thank you" and the dad gave me a big friendly wave. I hope he was drunk.
The commercial is about the Evils of Socialism. It is truly bizarre. Socialism makes people lazy. Socialism means people have no dreams of bettering themselves. Socialism causes people to abandon all hope and ambition. WTF?
I did not realize that the US was teetering on the precipice of becoming the USSA. So how do we stop the US from becoming the next People's Republic? Vote Republican. Hey, if a crazy old rich guy says it, it must be true.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Tomorrow is Hallowe'en. If it rains hard, then there will not be many trick-or-treaters on my street. This means I'll have to eat most of the Floridian mini chocolate bars in my stash all by myself. I will regret that.
While in Florida, I had my first taste of alligator. It was Lousiana gator. Breaded. Tasted like popcorn chicken!
Sunday, October 21, 2012
I shall leave this as the "open thread" as the pro's say in the blogging world, so you may discuss bacon to your heart's content in my absence.
Back next weekend, hopefully suntanned and definitely bloated with American snacks. Wise Chips, here I come.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Let me say, shamelessly, OINK! OINK! Your humble blogger ate not one, not two, but FOUR samosas. I couldn't stop. They were so good. I'd rather eat FOUR samosas than have dessert any time.
Problem is, guess who has been (near literally) running to the bathroom three times morning? Hint: It's ME! Dang that curse of the Indian food. Samosas, I can't quit ya. I today am paying a major price for my piglet behaviour. But they were sooo good.
Will A-Rod (BOO) be gone from NY forever? There was a great comment made during Game 3. A Rod (BOO) was on the bench and not looking at all like he would even pinch hit. And one commentator said "Is there something wrong with him?" And the other replied "Nothing wrong from the neck down." Ooh, snap!
Prince Fielder's beard is the very definition of "fugly".
I hate when commentators refer to home runs as "dingers". Stop doing that.
And, over in the National League, best name in baseball: Buster Posey.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
I don't want to see the Yankees win again. I hate their wealth. Individually I like most of their players (except A-Rod BOO!) but I am rooting for Detroit all the way! Too bad about Jeter's broken ankle. He is a classy guy and I like him (unlike A-Rod BOO!) but Go Tigers.
In the National League, I am pulling for the Cardinals. They do miracles. Game One is tonight.
Friday, October 12, 2012
– 0.1 per cent per year. I take full responsibility for this. My bad. Apparently, one person's supreme laziness can skew national statistics. Sorry, StatsCan.
Monday, October 08, 2012
Yesterday, Fancy Feast dropped in for a chat. He is now semi-officially living in NDG with the new girlfriend. So he is a 10-minute walk from my place. O joy.
He resisted taking the mask. "Does it really bother you that much?" he asked. I said, why yes, yes, it does bother me that much. "Why," he asked. "It's been here for a year." Yes, that's part of the problem. I want it out. So he reluctantly took it, saying "I don't know what 'new girlfriend' is going to say about it. So far all I have is a suitcase with some clothes and some toiletries". Well, I said, now you'll have the mask too. And off he went, bearing the mask. Adieu African mask!
(Aside, I need a nickname for the new girlfriend. Right now I just think of her as "Poor Sarah". I'll have to come up with something else. Run, girl! It's not too late.)
Thursday, October 04, 2012
We all know this is NOT a bacon blog, it is an "Update on JAW Fan's blogs" blog. So here is the update. His blogs are gone, finito, vamoose. Sayonara to his blogs. His computer was infected by spyware and basically done gone all f*cked up. So both blogs have been deleted. For all eternity!!
I missed Margaret Dumont Wednesday and now it is gone forever. Woe is me.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Why go on? Why live? I ask you.
And me, with my new bar pan that cooks bacon to crispy, even perfection. What'll I do?
Monday, September 24, 2012
The guy in the yellow suit makes it for me, but I love all of it. And leave it to CBC News last night to educate me that this song has a political message. Sure beats folk music all to hell.
I must go rock out to the beat once again.
Unrelated: Re Mr. Girlyskirt's fave Scopitones. How can The Silencer not be in his Top 2? I love The Race is On, but she is no Joi Lansing. Also, the girls in the Sea Cruise video are so wholesome and cute. Why can't dancers in videos today be wholesome and cute, instead of looking like trashy ho's? Bring back wholesome and cute!!, sez this uptight, old bag.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Go drive on the highway in his honour.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
But today I did get an email that said W---- Y----- has invited you to join Twitter. So I guess I am still buried somewhere on the contacts list of the man from H'don. If only that had worked out....HA!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
In other news: Why can't the Royal Family keep their clothes on? Are they wearing itchy English wool? Stop getting naked, you are royalty.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Did you know that J**fan is the name of a city in Y***n, which is a country where the US Embassy was attacked yesterday, in response to that doltish amateur-hour Anti-I****ic movie. Is it possible that J**fan's blog was detected by some system that is programmed to find and delete all references to possible Al Q**** activity or sympathising or even sympathetic geography? Can you find J**fan, Y***n, on a map?
Far fetched, yes. Unlikely, perhaps. Impossible, in our modern world? I'd say No.
Anyway, if you are trying to locate MajorDomo HPH, he's under the bed with a bottle of wine until further notice.
I am awaiting the news that Mac Davis's lawyers will be contacting the Hot Pants Homo for copyright infringement negotiations. Correction: for nude copyright infringement negotiations.
RIP Jaw Fan Blog. It was fun while it very briefly lasted.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
She had cancer since last winter, so she knew she was going to die. So she wrote her own obituary, and she planned out her funeral service, picked the music, etc. Not so unusual. These people had a place in Florida, so she told her husband he is to go to Florida, as per usual, over the winter. But this next part is what killed me. She told her husband he is to get a dog after she dies. Then she told him what breed of dog to buy and what to name the dog. WTF?
My sis says that man is going to be lost without his wife. No wonder. He'd been married to a drill sergeant for 50 years.
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
I shall begin stockpiling beans and evaporated milk for the upcoming civil war.
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Cue: Mr Anonymous who will say "only for the past three elections". And I'll believe him.
Yesterday I was walking up to the mall, and the three of them were sitting outside. There was nobody else around. As I walked past, I heard the woman say "That's the woman I was talking about." And the neighbour paused, looked over at me, and said "Oh yes".
So here's the question. What are they saying about me? In what context was I the topic of conversation?
Monday, September 03, 2012
I remember the provincial election of 30 November 1998. I had just bought my house, and my landlord at the time said "why would buy a house when the separatists are getting back in? Your house will be worth nothing." Well, they did get back in that night. That night my father had the major, major stroke that eventually killed him. Our family's gallows humour has always said that is was the re-election of the PQ that did him in. One of the last things my father did was vote. Against the PQ.
Thirteen years later, I am still in my crumbling house. Anyway, the separatists came and went and now we are coming to the end of the nine-year rule of Ti-Jean Federalist. It's been quiet for 9 years. We're all going to have to get back into "PQ Mode". Sigh. It will be interesting to watch how Harper deals with PQ provocation. It should be ugly. I'm already tired.
My friend the Persian, now a Canadian citizen, will be voting in his first provincial election. He asked me if there was a way to vote against someone. I said, no, you can only check one name for the person you want. But he said he wanted a ballot that would say, I'm okay with this guy, or this guy, or this guy, but definitely NOT that guy. And the guy with the most negative ballots would be guaranteed to be not elected. Apparently, this is how class elections worked in his high school. I thought, hmm, negative voting. This would be a great way to make sure the biggest pain in the ass does not get in. I like it.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
I am old.
I want to go live in a cave and be depressed. I wish I drank.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
I have returned from the Holy City where Sis and I saw Broooce...again. We've been seeing Broooce for 34 years now. Each time we see him, we think okay, he's old, we're old, this will be our last show. Then we go to the show and have a fantastic time and say, okay, next time we see him will be the last time.
It ran 3 1/2 hours and was really, really great. It was a perfect, warm night for an outdoor show. The roof was open on the stadium and we could look up at the CN Tower while we waited in our seats.How can I complain about a show that starts with an accordion playing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game". It ended at 11:45 p.m. with a long, crazy Twist & Shout, and in between we heard so many of my faves, Darlington County, I love that song, and Rosalita and lots more. Sis said they would need a long hook to yank Bruce off the stage. It was like he didn't want to leave. Worth every penny, once again.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
The only news that matters today, however, is that photos have appeared on the Internet of Prince Harry cavorting nude. Cavorting. I'm looking up that word. Has anyone ever cavorted while clothed? I think not. Except for clothed in a bikini, perhaps. I believe the bikini clad amongst us also cavort (on a beach only), but primarily cavorting can be done in the nude only.
Oxford says to cavort is to "prance around excitedly or self-indulgently". Prance? Not run or jump? Prance. Nude prancing around = cavorting. And in Harry's case, royally.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Where to begin...he has a new girlfriend and she lives about 15 minutes from me on foot. Now how convenient is that? She is recently divorced and has two small kids, so she doesn't want him staying overnight at her place until he gets to know her children. He has not met them yet. So this weekend he stayed in a rented room in NDG. Any wagers on whether I am going to be asked if, in future, he can stay here because he can't afford to rent a room every couple of weeks? I'd say that the chances of that request coming my way soon are 100%.
So I returned his call and what is the first thing he asks. Can I rent a car from the car share co. in order for us to go to Verdun to pick up his favourite rotisserie chicken. They do not deliver to NDG. I kid you not. I said, no way am I renting a car so you can get chicken for lunch. He carried on as if I had said yes. I said, I'm not doing it. Forget it. He still went on about the fries and sauce. I had to get rude and say YOU AREN'T LISTENING!! I AM NOT RENTING A CAR TO GET CHICKEN! He sighed and said "fine".
He came over around 12 and we ordered Chalet. It was good enough for me. I felt totally stuffed.
Anyway, I won't go into every anecdote I heard in 3 hours, but the one that will stay in my mind is when I asked how his sister was doing. She got married last November (which was another drama I won't go into). He told me she is getting a divorce. I was quite shocked. He ran through the long list of everything that was terrible and awful about his soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law, but the one image that will stay with me forever is he has untreated toe fungus.
I really have to end it here because I can't top that.
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
For some reason, watching track doesn't have the same thrill, except for the 100 m.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
I think Weezie died a while ago? I think. I don't know.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
If only Fancy Feast was back in my life, I would have so many more amusing anecdotes to post. Nooooo! His African mask is enough to remind me of how bad things could get.
Re: last week's post. Yes! I totally admit it is stalkerish, but hey, I don't care. They are weird and I am happy to sneak photos of them in their natural weirdo CPN habitat. No photo this weekend because Hallelujah! Hallelujah! they seem to be vamoosed on vacation. Peace at last on Belmore. Their daughter is home alone and she is normal (must be adopted).
In other news, having lunch with Smoothie today, he made one of his Smoothie comments that had me laughing and going Wha? at the same time. In a nutshell, he cannot figure out why South Asian males are appealing to me, but black males not so much. (Yes, we were also discussing if having a preference is racist. We both think it is not.) We can blame the South Asian preference on Kumar (wherever he is*). Smoothie's observation went like this. "Take a black guy. And put my hair on him (at this point he grabs the top of his head as if to remove a hairpiece). And you've got an Indian." Me: "So, you're saying that an Indian is just a black guy with a white guy's hair." S: "Yes, they've got soft hair like us." Me: "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." This conversation should be in a Tarantino movie.
*Still Toronto, as far as I can determine
Update: 8:00 p.m. Dammit! They are already home. I cannot catch a freakin' break.
Sunday, July 08, 2012
Monday, July 02, 2012
In happier news, Katie H. left the couch jumper. That is one hostage-taking I am happy to see finally resolved. Time to get their kid into therapy and de-programming.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
JAW Fan has found the ideal retirement community for me. Who needs NDG when I can live at this corner. It's life sustaining!
BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
After a very long dry spell, here is an email exchange between your humble blogger and Fancy Feast.
Background: you may or may not remember that just before he departed on his cross-country trip almost a year ago to the day, FF purchased a 4-foot tall wooden African mask at a garage sale. Because of its size, of course, he could not take it on the road, so it stayed here. He also left behind a large bag of his personal papers. I weighed the bag: 15 pounds.
So today I receive this:
FF: Say, would it be too much to ask that you mail me my wooden mask?
Me: Yes, it would be too much to ask. The thing is almost as tall as I am.
You'll need to pick it up or have somebody pick it up for you. There's also a big bag of your personal papers to go with it. (Notice how I now have zero tolerance for his bull)
FF: I'm pretty sure you can get a postal service to pick it up as is. You don't even need to put it in a box.
(Notice how he completely ignored what I said and answered as if I had said yes and had not even mentioned the big bag o'papers)
I did not respond. It would only escalate and then he would tell me I'm a bad friend for not sending him two African masks.
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
He took tomorrow and Monday off, so there will be no comments from him here until Tuesday.
He gets 14 months paid. 14 months! I can't stop thinking about 14 months at FULL PAY. It's disturbing to me how much I am envying him. He doesn't have to work in his particular hell hole anymore. That's something to envy, for me.
He sounded fine on the phone. A bit manic, but he'd been into the wine since he got home. Now he can plan the next phase of his life. I find that part exciting. I think his mother is more upset about it than he is. Moms, what can you do, eh?
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Sunday, May 06, 2012
In gardening news...let me present before and after pics. Including the lawn inspector at work.
Friday, May 04, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
So here I am with less than 2 hours left in NaPoMo, trying to salvage it. But will I? Is there one last poem left out there? she asked hopefully....
As for Mad Men this week, oh Roger, he is so back on his game.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
We have a new colleague who is from Peru. She often has candies and other treats from South America. Right now I am having a few Kraft-caramel-type candies from South America. Why aren't I high yet? Shouldn't I be high?
Roger Sterling would understand.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
I'll confess I thought he was 6. LOL! Where do the years go? I'm older than hell.
Last day of work before FLORIDA vacation! yay. It'll be over before I know it. Forecast for Tampa for Sun/Mon/Tues: 86/86/87 and sunny! Yeh, baby!
Bring on the beach and the Wise Chips.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Cruel Internet. Do not deny me the news I need to know! (But we all know what they are going to taste like.....BBQ.)
In other news, this blog is 6 years old this week. Happy Anniversary to us all!
Monday, April 09, 2012
NEW YORK, N.Y. - A Quebec actress is being held on suspicion of stalking actor Alec Baldwin, authorities in New York City said Monday. A New York police department spokesman says Genevieve Sabourin, a 40-year-old actress from the Montreal-area, was arrested Sunday at the "30 Rock" star's Manhattan apartment after the actor called to file a complaint. The blond-haired, hazel-eyed Sabourin was arrested and charged with aggravated harassment and stalking after attempting to talk her way into the apartment building via the doorman.
Four words: JAW Fan in drag.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
HOLY CRAP! It's National Poetry Month and I forgot all about it!!
Somebody needs to get his poetry hat on next week. We've got some serious catching up to do, we missed the whole first week.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
So for those who watched it, here are my not so cryptic comments:
I hate that song.
Pete’s plaid jacket at the party. Awesomeness.
Why is it as soon as Sally appears on screen, I feel dread.
We need more of Apollo the plumber.
Lane, stay away from Dolores!
There's my baby!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
My other neighbour, Georgette "the spy", told me that (follow me now):
1. My across-the-street neighbour Louise had parked her car on the street overnight one night last week.
2. Next morning, CPN pulled out of his driveway and hit Louise's car, denting it and scratching the paint.
3. CPN then drove off to work without telling Louise.
4. Georgette the spy was outside feeding the birds and witnessed all, so she prompty told Louise.
How big an asshole do you have to be to damage your neighbour's car and speed off like nothing happened? I know this kind of thing is done to strangers' cars all the time, but really? To do this to a neighbour? It appears his insurance is paying, but I sure hope Louise gave him shit when she told him she knew he had done it. Such an asshole.
Someone mentioned that the better solution would have been to have called the cops and have him arrested for a hit-and-run. Too bad Louise didn't do that. I would've been in heaven to see the police at the CPN's door. Such an asshole.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Friday, March 09, 2012
When I told FF I was annoyed at being criticized, he replied that he wasn't criticizing me, he was criticizing "the situation".
Well, I'm glad that is cleared up! I still want to bash his head in.
Thursday, March 08, 2012
I told him I would make him an olive bread since he has been whining for one since he was in Calgary. I believe it is best to eat the olive bread fresh and warm out of the oven on Sunday, but he wants to take it home. So I said, well, then if you want some to take home, then don't eat too much of it on Sunday. His reply? Can't you make me a second one to take home?
Oh Fancy Feast, how I have missed your pushy arrogance.
Update: When I told him not to get pushy about a 2nd loaf. This is the answer I get.
QUOTE: Wanting a loaf of bread is greedy?? Seriously, you're on a mission to make sure I don't take olive bread home. I don't get it! Proper etiquette wouldn't have you sending me home with a piece of an olive bread loaf. I should be taking a full loaf home... UNQUOTE
I didn't think it possible, but it appears he's become even more insane. I love it.
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
Monday, March 05, 2012
In shoddy news, the job was advertised last Friday but the notice was so mangled, it had to be withdrawn from our website after 12 hours and reposted. It was a mess, with many requirements that had NOTHING to do with the work. HR strikes again! Whatta zoo.
In the face of all this, I'll just keep thinking about the $$$.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Whatta dump this place is.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
I am off to the Holy City of TO tomorrow for my birthday weekend.Sunday is also Oscar night, so all of Hollywood will be celebrating my 51st, or so that is what I will tell myself. I'll be back Monday evening.
Ms Mushrooms tells me that, so far, 51 is better than 50. Let us all hope so!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
The bagel was so spicy it burnt my tongue. I had trouble sipping my coffee and had to wait for my coffee to cool off to be able to sip it. Hot, hot bagel but very tasty indeed.
However, the burning that occurred when the bagel went in was no comparison to the burning felt later. The last time I had anything this painful exiting was during the "spicy carrots episode" after Indian Cultural Night at my employer's some 20 years ago. Perhaps JAW Fan will care to share his remembrance of those sensations.
It has quite put me off having another one of those jalapeno babies.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Nor have I heard any report of his being assaulted by sandpaper-skinned, overly bronzed, horny, portly, tiny-Speedo-sporting patrons of his hotel.
Let us all breathe a sigh of relief. On both counts.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
Today in my junk mail folder, I got an invitation. But it was not to join Facebook. It was for a site that is a "clever" play on the word Facebook. It was an invitation from F*ckbook.
(I'm leaving out the u so I don't come up in searches for F*ckbook.)
Really? Don't you want to meet the genius who came up with the name F*ckbook? It's effing brilliant.
Monday, February 06, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
I got an email from him yesterday. He is miserable in Ottawa, hates his family, can't find a job, etc. etc. And he wants to move back to Montreal. So he writes: "I have a bit of money. Not much, but enough to do my own thing. What do you think if I came over for a week or so to apply for work and go to interviews? I'd want to use your address and home phone number for the job applications. When I use a Calgary number, they think it's too much hassle or something. I can pay you for the week that I'd be there."
If this was anyone else I know, I'd say yes. But we all know "a week or so" in FF-speak means he'd never leave. Last night I had a chat with A Man From Laval (AMFL) and I explained the FF situation. He zeroed in on the fact that I am in fact FF's "Enabler" and having FF in my environment prevents me from taking care of things that I need to do for myself (for example, decluttering and fixing my house).
So from now I have to quote AMFL: "You can't enable him to enable you to not do the shit you need to do." So there it is. Now I just have to tell Fancy. I can't enable him to enable me to not do the shit I need to do.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
There’s a difference between being “50” and being “in your 50s” because once you are in your 50s it doesn’t matter whether you are 51 or 57. You are over the hill, professionally at least. Back in December (I think) two Canadians drowned on vacation in Mexico (sorry, JAW FAN, it's Bad News Mexico again) and I remember the headline said “Two seniors drown” and when I checked the story they were 72 and 55 !! So 50s is “seniors” in newspaper-speak. That’s pretty darn depressing.
As I was griping about this the other day, one of my friends (age 56, and the type who believes the things Oprah says) told me, you'll see, it only gets better! All I wanted to say was: how can you believe that shit you are saying? This whole 50 is the new 30 crap comes from the wrinkle-cream manufacturing industry. If I have to see another product called "age defying" I'll throw it across Jean Coutu. Deny, defy, whatever. We're fucking old, accept it.
Scorsese's movie Hugo has the most nominations. This is the first time in years that I have no interest whatsoever in the most nominated movie. When I first saw the trailer, I thought "meh" and I still think "meh". It's a Scorsese picture and there's no Joe Pesci? So why the f*** would I wanna see dat, eh? You tink I'm funny? You tink I am a clown? I make you laugh?
Also, re Best Actor: Go Gorgeous George!
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
But we had our passes, so last night we met downtown. I really had no interest in seeing this movie. The big downtown theatre, however, has cut staff and there is no longer anyone checking tickets at the individual theatres (See my earlier post about Smoothie's griping about "overpaying" for IMAX Mission Impossible).
Anyway, once inside Smoothie said, well, we can always check what else is playing at this time and just duck in. So that is what we did. We saw The Artist, which I really enjoyed (as did Smoothie, who did not complain AT ALL at any point) and for free. Yes, we are thieves. Evil.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Problem with this "escape" is that it would cost me about $20 grand a year. That's how much less it pays than my current pay-for-doing-nothing. Is it a sign of desperation that I'm still thinking about it even with $20 thou less? Oh yes, it is a sign of desperation.
Anyway, SOS said she would not expect me to apply officially for the job because taking a pay cut like that is insanity. I guess I have to agree. Far be it from me to argue with SOS.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
In my job news, Smoothie contacted me yesterday because his sister works in recruitment in a big company that is in a similar field to my esteemed employer. And her big company needs an editor, and she wanted to receive my c.v. So, why the heck not, thought I. Sister-of-Smoothie (SOS) now has my life in her hands, or at least my work life story. I don't expect anything to come of this, but let us await further developments...
Monday, January 16, 2012
At least Clooney won. And he looked ASTOUNDINGLY handsome. He's still got it. Representing all of us who will turn 51 this year. You go, Georgie boy.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
She replied including a long paragraph about how her cat of 11 years had to be put down last Friday and how upset she is about it. And how empty the house is. etc. etc.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I'm not out of the woods yet. Aiiyeee.
He keeps sending me photos of meals he has prepared, and new recipe ideas. What does he think? That I am some kind of piglet who can be lured with food? Oink.
Last weekend I saw Mission Impossible on Imax. It was fun. Tom Cruise is still the most wooden expressionless actor on earth. But, despite him, I enjoyed the movie.
Anyone have any news to share? Anyone?
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Yep, our Potato Head Defense Minister, has gotten married. I was just reading the bio of the new Mrs. Potato Head, and I think she married down. She appears very accomplished, while he is just a Tory doofus. Oh well.
How long will it last? Will Peter PH be the Russell Brand of the Harper cabinet? Do we give it 14 months? Or will Mrs. PH do a Sinead, and have second thoughts after 18 days? Stay tuned.