Monday, December 31, 2012

Celeb Death Query

Is it just me, or does it seem like Whitney Houston has been dead for way more than a year? I keep seeing her picture in the "those we have lost" stories, and I think, really? Was that only in the past year? Feels like she's been dead for a lot longer than that.  We can't get away from her.

Too much Whitney, not enough Davy Jones!
Too much Whitney, not enough Sherman Hemsley!
Not enough Adam Yauch!
Not enough Phyllis Diller!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Snow Part Deux

For the benefit of our member(s) in the Southern hemisphere. Here are a couple of pics of my street.

Saturday, December 29, 2012


I don't have much to say about the Knuckles Day Storm of the Century. I was on the train coming home from the Holy City. Normally that is a 5-hour train ride, but it was 8 hours this time. Not fun The worst part was the final 90 minutes when we sat at Wellington, within sight of CN Station, stuck because a switching signal wasn't working. It was like seeing the promised land, but thinking we would never get there.

But my wee troubles were nothing compared to FF's ordeal in getting home from work. I shall quote his email:
I went to work. The day ended early, at 3 PM instead of 5 PM. The train never showed up, I ended up taking a different train (after 1 hour of waiting in the freezing cold wind and getting mild frost burn) that let me off at Parc, where I took the metro to Vendome and found that the buses all broke down in random positions on the road. I had to walk 3 KM through big mountains of snow. By the time I got home, I had frost burn on my hands and legs, and was wet up to my knees. I told them I didn't want to repeat that on Friday, they gave me the day off - unpaid.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Merry Christmas to All

Merry Christmas, Happy Festivus, etc, etc.

Despite it being Festivus I will not air any grievances, nor perform feats of strength today. I must rest up for Christmas eating starting tomorrow night.

Happy news today. My niece and her bf stopped in and announced that they got engaged last night. They are very happy. The wedding is at least two years away, so I don't have to worry about finding clothes that fit just yet... bring on the Christmas eats.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

And a P.S. Speaking of my niece, she shares a birthday with Mr. Knuckles. And since Mr. K's birthday often seems to get ignored in the hub-bub aftermath of Christmas, I take this early opportunity to wish Happy B-Day to him.  My niece turns 27, and Knuckles turns...slightly older than 27.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012 I want pancakes

I'm certain you are as relieved as I am to learn that the gang of thieves who stole $30 million worth of maple syrup have been arrested.  We can all sleep well tonight. After we have pancakes.

Only 2/3 of the stolen syrup has been recovered, which means there's $10 million in contraband still hidden out there.  I hope we don't become a syrupy Mexico.  Instead of Santo defending us, we will have Bonhomme.

The most interesting part of this story to me was the fact that Quebec holds strategic reserves of maple syrup. Stategic reserves.  That's not black gold, it's golden gold. mmm.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

C'est l'hiver

Yesterday, Environment Canada informed us all that "most of Canada" would not have a white Christmas this year.

Look at the window, dude. 


Monday, December 10, 2012

Double-breasted shearling coat

I don't usually comment on the latest viral sensations, but that IKEA monkey is so cute in his little coat.  I like that people have called him "a smart monkey"  and "a dapper monkey". 

I'm glad the authorities appear to have placed him in a sanctuary and didn't give him back to the dumbass humans who decided they wanted a monkey as a pet.  A monkey is not a pet, I don't care how dapper he is in his little shearling coat.

Word of the day is "dapper".

Sunday, December 09, 2012

A Bullet in the Head

Walking up to the mall this aft, I met my neighbour, Georgette, who is in her 70s and has an opinion, an authoritative opinion, on everything.

She was complaining that the new govt has increased the taxes on wine. I agreed.

Then she said: "That Madame Marois. She's going to get a bullet."
"Really?" I said.
"Oh yes. The mafia....when they shoot...they don't miss."
"You think so?"
"Oh yes, Mark my words."

Then I thought, who are you? Joe Pesci? but I didn't say anything else.

Mark my words.

Friday, December 07, 2012


Am I the only person who becomes obsessed with tracking a package when I order something on-line?

I bought some stuff last week that is being shipped from British Columbia. The store sent me a link to track my stuff.  On the 4th, I saw that it was scanned and departed Richmond, BC. On the 5th and yesterday, I checked in the morning and in the evening, and nothing. Of course, I realize if it is coming from BC it needs a day or so to get GET HERE, but I still wanted the tracker to show me some progress.  Something like "flying over the (freezing) Praries", but no. Nothing.

But this morning, I see that my package arrived in Lachine and has been scanned, so it should be delivered today or Monday.  Yay. It's not even an Christmas present, but there is something so exciting about knowing my purchase is now close by.

I need more of a life.

This is what happens when I have no news from Fancy Feast for over a week.

Sunday, December 02, 2012


Ok, you James Bond experts, a question for you.

I saw Skyfall last week and thought that it was a lot of fun. Unbelievable, ridiculous, over the top, yes. But it was a great way to spend 2 hours plus.

But someone mentioned something that has been bugging me for 2 days now. If all agents use aliases, then why does the gravestone of Bond's parents say "Bond"? Is this explained anywhere in a previous movie or in a book? Is Bond the only MI6 agent who uses his real name? It seems especially clumsy since M makes a point of saying of what Javier Bardem's real name is, and what his agent name was. (No, she does not say his real name is Javier Bardem.) But then it appears that Bond is Bond's real name.

Maybe Bond's real first name is Raoul, and only James is an alias? I dunno.

Spoiler alert:  RAFE! I'm so glad he is the new M. Although he is not aging well. He'll be 50 this month and he looks it. This is the problem with being overly beautiful in one's youth. There's nowhere to go but down.  As all of us know. ha ha.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

This Week in Old and Bitter

Last night I went out for fish and chips at this British style place on Cote des Neiges. It was delicious. I also had a half pint of beer, and finished off the meal with an ice cream cone with a chocolate flake. Well all that fat was not good for my aging stomach. As someone who never suffers from reflux, may I say that reflux is AWFUL. I was awake at 3, hating life.

So I stayed home today. Taking my final "sick day" of the year. They won't miss me and my (non)work.

What did I do yesterday at the office? Glad you asked. I spent a good part of the morning on the website of our pension fund. They have a benefits calculator. And I plugged in every year from 2013 to 2023. 2023 should be my official retirement date. Of course, retiring in 2023 is a joke, because I assume by then our HQ will be located in Beijing, and I won't be going there. We've started constructing a "sub office" but who is kidding who? They are moving to China in the next decade. I'm betting on it.

Anyway, so I now have a nice list of what I would be earning if I took retirement or QUIT at any point in the next 10 years. What does this serve? Nothing. But it was fun to plug in the numbers.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Today in RIP Dead Career News

They announced the name of the new head of our department, and to nobody's surprise, it isn't me. Ho hum.
On the positive side, neither is it my incompetent colleague.
It is some guy from Europe. It will take him 3 months to move here, so we will continue to have no boss until the middle of February. We have been without an official boss since June.
With no boss, one would think I would be doing a lot more blogging.  I've been doing nothing for so long, I can't remember what it is like to put in a full day's work.
My biggest fear was that Ms. Incompetent would get promoted and become Ms. Incompetent Drill Sargeant Boss, but that didn't happen, so it is a big relief.
I'll just continue to (non)toil away here in my (non)career.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Celebrity Death News

Larry Hagman died. Now the I Dream of Jeannie theme music is stuck in my head.

I hope that having shared this, the I Dream of Jeannie theme is now stuck in your head, too. All day.

Ta-ta, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

2 more months! 2 more months!

Take a moment and imagine, if you will, a tasty, unopened bag of Doritos. Cool Ranch, if that is your preference (as it is mine) or Nacho Cheese or whatever your favourite flavour may be.

Now imagine that unopened bag of tasty morsels is at your fingertips, just ready for you to rip it open and indulge.  But...your fingers are broken. Both your hands are in plaster casts.  All you can do is stare longingly at the unopened Doritos bag. You wish you had sufficient telepathic power to open the bag using your mind alone. But alas you cannot.

Now. For the bag of Doritos, substitute a 14-month full-pay severance package. And for your plaster cast hands, substitute JAW Fan trying to wrap up his job.

As Al Pacino might put it, every time he gets close, they pull him back in.

Instead of 30 November, it now appears that JAW's last day at the office will 31 January 2013.

Those Doritos were so close he could almost taste them. But they shall remain achingly on the shelf for two more months.

Last day of work: 31 January. Plane to Mexico: 1 February. That's barely enough time to pack his Speedo.

I'm only 9 years late, old man

In 2009, sis, bro-in-law and I went on vacation to Maine.  We took a winding drive back home and went through New Hampshire.  When we were kids we vacationed in New Hampshire and I remember looking up at the mountains to see the Old Man of the Mountain, a rock formation that looked like the profile of an old man. It was a well known symbol of New Hampshire.

So, in 2009, we are driving in NH and I am looking for the Old Man of the Mountain. We drive and drive and I say to my sister, that's really weird, I thought we couldn't miss it.

Cut to this morning, in 2012, and while reading a totally unrelated story, I learn that the Old Man of the Mountain collapsed back in 2003. Nine years ago. Why did I never hear about this? No wonder I couldn't find it. Somebody should've told me!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Local News

Applebaum has been sworn in as Montreal's interim mayor, making history as the city's first elected Jewish mayor and the first anglophone mayor to lead the city in a century. (CBC)

In other news:  Parizeau's Head Explodes.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Morning After the Night Before

The Grand Bouffe went off without a hitch. This is the first time ever that FF has come through and not let me down. Amazing.

Most of the dishes were courtesy of the girlfriend and they were all successful, so at the end of the evening, I said to FF: "So what do I need you for?"  He said "I know".

Twice during the day, I got panicked calls from him, asking if I could go to IGA and pick up this and that because they were running late and forgot stuff. This stressed me out, but I did it. Then at 5:20 he calls and says "uh, I have to cancel".  Long pause on my end.  "Just kidding!" he says. "We're almost ready to go". He is the type of person who should NEVER make a "I have to cancel" joke because it's too likely to be true.

Anyway, my guests seemed to be impressed. We were stuffed to the gills. One person brought home two doggy bags, and I have tons of leftovers.  I didn't get the bill for the food yet. That's going to hurt because I know that, in true FF form, he overspent like crazy. But I was expecting that.

Now I can relax.  And eat leftovers. Until I am unwell.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Toodles to the Twinkies

A big business story today is that Hostess is filing for bankruptcy, going out of business and putting over 18,000 people out of work.  This is in the US, apparently, it will not affect the Canadian biz.

Despite my acknowledged love of fatty foods that are bad for me, I have to say I have never been a fan of this type of snack. I'm not a cake person. I'm sure someone will correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think Hostess existed here when we were kids.  Seems to me that when I saw t.v. commercials for Hostess Twinkies they were some exotic foreign American delicacy that was unavailable at home. We had Vachon, and that was enough.  I didn't eat tons of Half Moons or Jos. Louis as a kid, though I admit I had an flaky apple turnover in my lunch pail on a regular basis.

On the other hand, if Frito Lay announced that it was going out of business, this blog would be wreathed in black, and I would be on long-term distress leave from work. Despair.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A Modest Update

In an email sent at 9:50 p.m Tuesday, FF assured me that he and the GF will be at my place at 4:00 p.m. on Saturday to commence preparation of the meal.  And that everything is under control.  He also apologized if his lack of communication had caused me any "stress".

(He added that he now understands that the expression "explosive diarrhea" is literally true.  Should that really have been in the same email?)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I Was Wrong

The Petraeus scandal is a FANTASTIC scandal. It grows more sordid every day. Just what I like in a scandal.

I hope it keeps adding new Generals and other Real Housewives of Tampa on a daily basis.

If he was head of the CIA and he didn't know that your private email account can still be checked, well, he was one lousy head of espionage.  Didn't they at least make him take a computer literacy test?

I have images of Mrs. Petraeus whacking her cheatin' husband with a frying pan. You [whack] scoundrel [whack]!  Go back to Kabul, you cad.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Feast Update

On Thursday evening, I emailed FF with some questions about the dinner. Things like: will you do the prep at your house and bring it over, or are you doing all the prep at my place? How many pots and pans will you need? Do you want money in advance to pay for the food?  You know, practical questions.

On Friday, he emails me "I'll get back to you over the weekend."  I sent two texts and last night another email, saying "call me on your break at work".  I'm still waiting.

None of this is a surprise. One of my guests dropped by yesterday while I was raking endless leaves, and I told her to be ready for a meal cooked by Yours Truly. She said she's ready for a pot luck.

So I'm planning my own menu. At least the dining room has been cleared out and the good dishes are ready to be used for the first time in years and years.

I hope he's in jail. Nothing else will be a good enough excuse. (But am I surprised? No. Not at all.)

Saturday, November 10, 2012

I'm Clueless

Somebody explain to me why Petraeus has resigned.

OK, he had an affair. So what? That's his business and his wife's business (and his girlfriend and her husband's businesses, I guess). But how does that affect the CIA?

It was an affair a) with a woman who was b) of the age of majority and c) consenting and d) apparently not a spy.  I don't get why he had to resign and why Prez O accepted his resignation. In Europe, this would get a yawn.

The Americans really need to develop better sex scandals.

Update: it's now clear why Petraeus was running those 10 k's in the Afghan hills every day. He had to stay in shape for multiple extramarital boinking. Happy Veteran's Day, General.

Friday, November 09, 2012

Fancy Feast's Fancy Feast

Let me preface this post by saying "Why, yes, actually, I am crazy."

I have planned an evening of fine dining at my home, with the cooking to be done by Fancy Feast (and his gf, more on this later).  Next weekend, three of the girls from work are coming over to be dined. (They will be wined also, but have offered to bring their own. Nice.)

Is it possible to calculate the number of ways in which this evening can go terribly, terribly wrong? No, it is not possible. So let the chips fall where they may. (Not those kind of chips.)

My primary worry right now is that state of the romance between FF and PS (Poor Sara). Things are rocky. They are supposed to be moving to a bigger place, so they are apartment hunting. But things are tense on the homefront, so FF decided that once the apartment is rented, he needs to move into it ALONE for a month or so because he needs some "space".  He told her she and her 2 kids can stay in the current place, and move a month later. So, how could that possibly be a problem, right? After all, they've been living together for a good two months now. Insanity.

I asked: How are these problems going to affect my dinner? Is she going to show up or what? He insists that yes, she'll participate. The dinner will not be affected by their internal affairs.

Second problem: As of this week, FF is working two jobs and is away from home (i.e. away from the girlfriend) from 6:30 in the morning til 11:00 at night. It must be bliss for her.  So what kind of shape is he going to be in next Saturday, two weeks into this two-job schedule?  Will he fall alseep in his butternut squash?

Fortunately, the girls from work are aware that they are guinea pigs in this catering biz and have said "Hey, if we end up having to order pizza, so be it."  So be it.

Stay tuned...

Monday, November 05, 2012

Montreal is So Exciting (not at all like Edmonton)

Our ding-dong of a mayor has announced his resignation tonight. One mention of his name during the corruption commission and he hit the road.

And worse yet, the most likely successor for the job is Applebaum, the mayor of my "arrondissement". Yes, we call our 'hoods "arrondissements" so we can pretend we are JUST LIKE PARIS. So fucking pathetic we are.

I'm so SICK of living in this corrupt city in this corrupt province. I need to move to a nice, clean-living place.  Maybe Sicily.

P.S. Yes, I do recognize that in his own way, Mayor Blimp of Toronto, is worse.

U.S. Election Eve

The Big Day in the US of A is tomorrow.  Honestly, when Obama was elected, I expected him to spend four years dodging bullets like Chow Yun Fat.  I am shocked, shocked, that he has made it through his first term without getting shot at.  Kudos to the Secret Service, I guess.

This puts Prez O. miles ahead of your average Montreal crime boss.
This morning in Blainville:  "Honey, there's a body in the driveway of the house across the street."  "Is it that old Italian guy?"

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Oh No! Expos Death News

Our man Pascual has been killed.

"Police in the Dominican Republic say former major league pitcher Pascual Perez has been killed during an apparent home invasion robbery." (CBC)

How awful.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween!

I just had a kid come to the door, dressed in a normal costume. I guess he was a Detective. But his father, who was waiting on the sidewalk, was dressed like a cow.  Head to toe. Cow.

The kid is old enough to be embarrassed. What can you do when your dad is a bigger Halloween party animal than you are? The kid said "thank you" and the dad gave me a big friendly wave. I hope he was drunk.

The Red Scare is Back

I no longer watch CNN, but since the hurricane I have tuned in for a couple of evenings.  I am fascinated by a commercial that runs on CNN, paid for by a private citizen.  The fellow is a Hungarian immigrant who moved to the US and clearly got rich. So rich in fact that he can sponsor his own political t.v. commercial, starring himself.

The commercial is about the Evils of Socialism. It is truly bizarre. Socialism makes people lazy. Socialism means people have no dreams of bettering themselves.  Socialism causes people to abandon all hope and ambition.  WTF?

I did not realize that the US was teetering on the precipice of becoming the USSA.  So how do we stop the US from becoming the next People's Republic? Vote Republican.  Hey, if a crazy old rich guy says it, it must be true.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Nuthin' happenin'

There is so much "weather" affecting the eastern part of North America, and yet, ain't nuthin' happenin' 'round these parts.  It's very weird. Maybe we will get torrential downpours tomorrow. Maybe, maybe not.

Tomorrow is Hallowe'en. If it rains hard, then there will not be many trick-or-treaters on my street. This means I'll have to eat most of the Floridian mini chocolate bars in my stash all by myself. I will regret that.

While in Florida, I had my first taste of alligator. It was Lousiana gator. Breaded. Tasted like popcorn chicken!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Goin' South

I am off to sunny, warm Florida in the early morning for a brief mental health break. The whole family is going this time. So it should be interesting. The oldies and the young 'uns.

I shall leave this as the "open thread"  as the pro's say in the blogging world, so you may discuss bacon to your heart's content in my absence.

Back next weekend, hopefully suntanned and definitely bloated with American snacks. Wise Chips, here I come.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Samosa Hangover

I have discovered samosa heaven in Montreal. A colleague brought in samosas from Pushap, near Namur, for a luncheon this week. 

Let me say, shamelessly, OINK! OINK!  Your humble blogger ate not one, not two, but FOUR samosas. I couldn't stop. They were so good.  I'd rather eat FOUR samosas than have dessert any time.

Problem is, guess who has been (near literally) running to the bathroom three times morning? Hint: It's ME!  Dang that curse of the Indian food.  Samosas, I can't quit ya. I today am paying a major price for my piglet behaviour.  But they were sooo good.


What a great sweep of the Yankees. Bravo! 

Will A-Rod (BOO) be gone from NY forever? There was a great comment made during Game 3. A Rod (BOO) was on the bench and not looking at all like he would even pinch hit. And one commentator said "Is there something wrong with him?" And the other replied "Nothing wrong from the neck down."  Ooh, snap!

Prince Fielder's beard is the very definition of "fugly".

I hate when commentators refer to home runs as  "dingers".  Stop doing that.

And, over in the National League, best name in baseball:  Buster Posey.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Fall Classic

I am once again addicted to baseball.  The wildcard play-offs were amazing, and last night Game One of the American League Final was on-the-edge-of-my-seat exciting. I can't believe I was up past 1 watching that endless game.

I don't want to see the Yankees win again. I hate their wealth. Individually I like most of their players (except A-Rod BOO!) but I am rooting for Detroit all the way!  Too bad about Jeter's broken ankle. He is a classy guy and I like him (unlike A-Rod BOO!) but Go Tigers.

In the National League, I am pulling for the Cardinals. They do miracles. Game One is tonight.

Friday, October 12, 2012


Canadian workers are even less productive than originally thought – 0.1 per cent per year less productive, to be exact. That’s the conclusion of Statistics Canada after a series of recent revisions to more than 30 years of key economic data ... (The G&M)

– 0.1 per cent per year.  I take full responsibility for this. My bad.  Apparently, one person's supreme laziness can skew national statistics.  Sorry, StatsCan.

Monday, October 08, 2012

A Small Holiday Miracle

Happy Thanksgiving to all. The African Mask is gone from my humble home. Yes!

Yesterday, Fancy Feast dropped in for a chat. He is now semi-officially living in NDG with the new girlfriend. So he is a 10-minute walk from my place. O joy.

He resisted taking the mask. "Does it really bother you that much?" he asked. I said, why yes, yes, it does bother me that much. "Why," he asked. "It's been here for a year."  Yes, that's part of the problem.  I want it out. So he reluctantly took it, saying "I don't know what 'new girlfriend' is going to say about it. So far all I have is a suitcase with some clothes and some toiletries".  Well, I said, now you'll have the mask too.  And off he went, bearing the mask.  Adieu African mask!

(Aside, I need a nickname for the new girlfriend. Right now I just think of her as "Poor Sarah". I'll have to come up with something else. Run, girl! It's not too late.)

Thursday, October 04, 2012

But enough about bacon...

I am back. Was away for three days in beautiful sunny Kingston (Ontario, not Jamaica) so I have indeed been delinquent about blogging.

We all know this is NOT a bacon blog, it is an "Update on JAW Fan's blogs" blog. So here is the update. His blogs are gone, finito, vamoose. Sayonara to his blogs. His computer was infected by spyware and basically done gone all f*cked up. So both blogs have been deleted. For all eternity!!

I missed Margaret Dumont Wednesday and now it is gone forever. Woe is me.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

In The News

There's only one really big development in the world today: Farmers are forecasting a worldwide shortage of bacon in 2013. 

Why go on? Why live? I ask you.

And me, with my new bar pan that cooks bacon to crispy, even perfection. What'll I do?

Monday, September 24, 2012

The beat I cannot get out of my head

I am very late to the party with this post, but I finally watched the Gangnam Style video on the weekend, and, this is EVERYTHING I love about crazy Asian pop culture.  (There were only 440 million views ahead of me, it's up to 460 million views today.)

The guy in the yellow suit makes it for me, but I love all of it. And leave it to CBC News last night to educate me that this song has a political message.  Sure beats folk music all to hell.

I must go rock out to the beat once again.

Unrelated: Re Mr. Girlyskirt's fave Scopitones. How can The Silencer not be in his Top 2?  I love The Race is On, but she is no Joi Lansing.  Also, the girls in the Sea Cruise video are so wholesome and cute. Why can't dancers in videos today be wholesome and cute, instead of looking like trashy ho's? Bring back wholesome and cute!!, sez this uptight, old bag.

Sunday, September 23, 2012


Happy Bruce Springsteen's Birthday to everyone. If this is not an international holiday by now, it most certainly should be. In a perfect world, we would all get Monday off, since Bruce Day falls on a Sunday this year.

Go drive on the highway in his honour.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Double your pleasure, double your fun

The blogger formerly known as J A W Fan now has two blogs on the run.
(It rhymes!)

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Man from H'don

I regret I have no Fancy Feast news to share. I have not heard from him since his trip to Montreal and the rent-a-car-to-pick-up-Coq-au-bec argument.

But today I did get an email that said W---- Y----- has invited you to join Twitter.  So I guess I am still buried somewhere on the contacts list of the man from H'don.  If only that had worked out....HA!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

News You Need

It appears the only purpose of this blog is to provide updates of J A W Fan's blog.  It's back up. Will it remain up or will some other misfortune befall it?  Stay tuned.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Is Nothing Sacred?

So everybody in the Middle East seems to be on a rampage today. Mobs are protesting in front of any old Western embassy.  But, but, now it is reported that a mob in Lebanon set fire to a KFC.  Have these people no sense of decency?  The Colonel would weep.  Salty, fatty tears.

In other news:  Why can't the Royal Family keep their clothes on? Are they wearing itchy English wool?  Stop getting naked, you are royalty.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Commenter formerly known as J** Fan

Ok. Where do we begin to unravel the strangeness about recent events involving our friend the newly renamed MajorDomo Hot Pants Homo (HPH, for short(s)).

Did you know that J**fan is the name of a city in Y***n, which is a country where the US Embassy was attacked yesterday, in response to that doltish amateur-hour Anti-I****ic movie. Is it possible that J**fan's blog was detected by some system that is programmed to find and delete all references to possible Al Q**** activity or sympathising or even sympathetic geography? Can you find J**fan, Y***n, on a map?

Far fetched, yes.  Unlikely, perhaps.  Impossible, in our modern world? I'd say No.

Anyway, if you are trying to locate MajorDomo HPH, he's under the bed with a bottle of wine until further notice.

Celebrity Death News: Blog Edition

After a very short existence, JAW Fan's Blog was ruthlessly gunned down by "the Internet".  Damn you, Internet.  You give us freedoms and then you take them away.

I am awaiting the news that Mac Davis's lawyers will be contacting the Hot Pants Homo for copyright infringement negotiations.  Correction: for nude copyright infringement negotiations.

RIP Jaw Fan Blog.  It was fun while it very briefly lasted.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Complete Control

My sister's neighbour died, and I am hearing amazing stories about what a control freak this woman was.

She had cancer since last winter, so she knew she was going to die. So she wrote her own obituary, and she planned out her funeral service, picked the music, etc.  Not so unusual. These people had a place in Florida, so she told her husband he is to go to Florida, as per usual, over the winter. But this next part is what killed me. She told her husband he is to get a dog after she dies. Then she told him what breed of dog to buy and what to name the dog.  WTF?

My sis says that man is going to be lost without his wife. No wonder. He'd been married to a drill sergeant for 50 years.

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Vote Vote Bang Bang

My former colleague who was from Nicaragua always used to joke that Canadian elections are boring because nobody ever gets killed.  Well, we can check that off our To Do List now.

I shall begin stockpiling beans and evaporated milk for the upcoming civil war.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

X marks the spot

My duty is done. But help me out here. My failing memory has failed me once again. Is this the first time the candidates' photos appear on the ballot? I can't remember seeing pics to go with the names before.

Cue: Mr Anonymous who will say "only for the past three elections".  And I'll believe him.

Yes, it is moi

At the upper end of my street there is an elderly couple who spend pretty well the whole summer sitting on their front porch. They are always there (during daylight hours) and most of the time their across-the-street neighbour, who is an eccentric junk dealer, is sitting with them. He talks non-stop. Everyone knows him because he rides his bike all over the neighbourhood looking for recyclable cans and other stuff in everyone's trash.

Yesterday I was walking up to the mall, and the three of them were sitting outside. There was nobody else around.  As I walked past, I heard the woman say "That's the woman I was talking about." And the neighbour paused, looked over at me, and said "Oh yes".

So here's the question. What are they saying about me? In what context was I the topic of conversation?

Monday, September 03, 2012

It's Election Eve

...and all through the province, federalists are cringing.

I remember the provincial election of 30 November 1998. I had just bought my house, and my landlord at the time said "why would buy a house when the separatists are getting back in? Your house will be worth nothing."  Well, they did get back in that night. That night my father had the major, major stroke that eventually killed him. Our family's gallows humour has always said that is was the re-election of the PQ that did him in. One of the last things my father did was vote. Against the PQ.

Thirteen years later, I am still in my crumbling house. Anyway, the separatists came and went and now we are coming to the end of the nine-year rule of Ti-Jean Federalist. It's been quiet for 9 years. We're all going to have to get back into "PQ Mode". Sigh. It will be interesting to watch how Harper deals with PQ provocation. It should be ugly. I'm already tired.

My friend the Persian, now a Canadian citizen,  will be voting in his first provincial election. He asked me if there was a way to vote against someone. I said, no, you can only check one name for the person you want. But he said he wanted a ballot that would say, I'm okay with this guy, or this guy, or this guy, but definitely NOT that guy. And the guy with the most negative ballots would be guaranteed to be not elected. Apparently, this is how class elections worked in his high school. I thought, hmm, negative voting. This would be a great way to make sure the biggest pain in the ass does not get in. I like it.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Creaky old bag

I got on a crowded 105 bus last night and some young guy offered me his seat.  I said no, thank you. Then he stood up and insisted and I repeated no, it's no problem.  He looked quite upset that I refused his kind offer.

I am old.

I want to go live in a cave and be depressed. I wish I drank.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Weekend Round-Up

In anticipation of receiving his 14-month package and all the free time that will entail, JAW Fan has launched his own blog. See the link on the right.  I'm feeling a disco inferno comin' on.

I have returned from the Holy City where Sis and I saw Broooce...again.  We've been seeing Broooce for 34 years now. Each time we see him, we think okay, he's old, we're old, this will be our last show. Then we go to the show and have a fantastic time and say, okay, next time we see him will be the last time.

It ran 3 1/2 hours and was really, really great. It was a perfect, warm night for an outdoor show. The roof was open on the stadium and we could look up at the CN Tower while we waited in our seats.How can I complain about a show that starts with an accordion playing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".   It ended at 11:45 p.m. with a long, crazy Twist & Shout, and in between we heard so many of my faves, Darlington County, I love that song, and Rosalita and lots more. Sis said they would need a long hook to yank Bruce off the stage. It was like he didn't want to leave. Worth every penny, once again.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012


Our browsers at work have been upgraded. This means I can blog at work again. Oh joy.  My job may become bearable again.

The only news that matters today, however, is that photos have appeared on the Internet of Prince Harry cavorting nude.  Cavorting.  I'm looking up that word. Has anyone ever cavorted while clothed? I think not.  Except for clothed in a bikini, perhaps.  I believe the bikini clad amongst us also cavort (on a beach only), but primarily cavorting can be done in the nude only.

Oxford says to cavort is to "prance around excitedly or self-indulgently".  Prance? Not run or jump? Prance.  Nude prancing around = cavorting.  And in Harry's case, royally.

Monday, August 20, 2012


Phyllis Diller died. She was very old. The title of this post is supposed to sound like her.

We must be getting old, too, because everybody we used to watch on tv when we were kids is dead.

My condolences to Fang.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Long Awaited Return of Fancy Feast

My phone range at 8:30 a.m. today. I was still in bed, but I could hear Fancy Feast's voice leaving a message. He was in town. I had been told he was coming, but hadn't heard from him in over a week so I didn't know if his trip was still on. It was.

Where to begin...he has a new girlfriend and she lives about 15 minutes from me on foot. Now how convenient is that? She is recently divorced and has two small kids, so she doesn't want him staying overnight at her place until he gets to know her children. He has not met them yet. So this weekend he stayed in a rented room in NDG. Any wagers on whether I am going to be asked if, in future, he can stay here because he can't afford to rent a room every couple of weeks? I'd say that the chances of that request coming my way soon are 100%.

So I returned his call and what is the first thing he asks. Can I rent a car from the car share co. in order for us to go to Verdun to pick up his favourite rotisserie chicken. They do not deliver to NDG. I kid you not. I said, no way am I renting a car so you can get chicken for lunch. He carried on as if I had said yes. I said, I'm not doing it. Forget it. He still went on about the fries and sauce. I had to get rude and say YOU AREN'T LISTENING!! I AM NOT RENTING A CAR TO GET CHICKEN! He sighed and said "fine".

He came over around 12 and we ordered Chalet. It was good enough for me. I felt totally stuffed.

Anyway, I won't go into every anecdote I heard in 3 hours, but the one that will stay in my mind is when I asked how his sister was doing. She got married last November (which was another drama I won't go into). He told me she is getting a divorce. I was quite shocked. He ran through the long list of everything that was terrible and awful about his soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law, but the one image that will stay with me forever is he has untreated toe fungus.

I really have to end it here because I can't top that.

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

We're No. 3! We're No. 3!

Okay, we have one silver, but really we are the Barons of Bronze.

One other thing: Apparently there is a big serious scandal in badminton.  I just want to type the words "badminton scandal".

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Olympic Thought

I realized today why swimming is the most exciting Olympic sport to watch.  It's exactly like horse racing. Two to four minutes of go-go-go and then it's over and it's usually incredibly close at the finish.
For some reason, watching track doesn't have the same thrill, except for the 100 m.

Friday, July 27, 2012


Rather than say something original, I'm going to steal a comment from a commenter at the Guardian:

"it would have been perfect if the Queen had been stroking a white cat". LOL. Love that.

The Corgis stole the show for me.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

To a Deluxe Apartment in the Sky

Okay, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, here goes.  Didn't Sherman Hemsley die years ago?I swear he was already dead. What he doing dying again? I don't get it.

I think Weezie died a while ago? I think. I don't know.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Weekly post

Isn't it terrible that I seem to be reduced to a weekly post? If they would update our browsers at work, I could use blogger again, but we are still in the Web stone age, so I have to blog from home only and that is a drag.

If only Fancy Feast was back in my life, I would have so many more amusing anecdotes to post. Nooooo! His African mask is enough to remind me of how bad things could get.

Re: last week's post. Yes! I totally admit it is stalkerish, but hey, I don't care. They are weird and I am happy to sneak photos of them in their natural weirdo CPN habitat. No photo this weekend because Hallelujah! Hallelujah! they seem to be vamoosed on vacation. Peace at last on Belmore. Their daughter is home alone and she is normal (must be adopted).

In other news, having lunch with Smoothie today, he made one of his Smoothie comments that had me laughing and going Wha? at the same time. In a nutshell, he cannot figure out why South Asian males are appealing to me, but black males not so much. (Yes, we were also discussing if having a preference is racist. We both think it is not.)  We can blame the South Asian preference on Kumar (wherever he is*). Smoothie's observation went like this. "Take a black guy. And put my hair on him (at this point he grabs the top of his head as if to remove a hairpiece). And you've got an Indian."  Me: "So, you're saying that an Indian is just a black guy with a white guy's hair."  S: "Yes, they've got soft hair like us." Me: "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."  This conversation should be in a Tarantino movie.

*Still Toronto, as far as I can determine

Update: 8:00 p.m.  Dammit! They are already home. I cannot catch a freakin'  break.

Monday, July 02, 2012

Celebrity News

Alec B., 54, married his 28-year-old yoga instructor.  All together now "There's no fool like an old fool".

In happier news, Katie H. left the couch jumper. That is one hostage-taking I am happy to see finally resolved. Time to get their kid into therapy and de-programming.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

24-Hour Party Pole

It's St-Jean Baptiste weekend. That means it is time for the annual CPN party. This is not a St-Jean party, just the one day of the year when the miserable CPNs invite other Poles to their house. Here is the man himself, with his table of booze.  Is it me, or did he used to have a LOT more bottles on the table, say 12 or 13 years ago? (i.e. the night of lying in the street aka the night of using chicken coupons)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Father's Day

It's Father's Day, so happy day to the Dad Men out there.

It is also Fancy Feast's birthday. The Big 3-0. So to celebrate this occasion here is a picture of the famous African mask. So easy to pop this in a mail box.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Alright Already

Ok, you bunch of demanding complainers. Here is a blog post.

JAW Fan has found the ideal retirement community for me. Who needs NDG when I can live at this corner. It's life sustaining!


After a very long dry spell, here is an email exchange between your humble blogger and Fancy Feast.

Background: you may or may not remember that just before he departed on his cross-country trip almost a year ago to the day, FF purchased a 4-foot tall wooden African mask at a garage sale. Because of its size, of course, he could not take it on the road, so it stayed here. He also left behind a large bag of his personal papers. I weighed the bag: 15 pounds.

So today I receive this:
FF: Say, would it be too much to ask that you mail me my wooden mask?
Me: Yes, it would be too much to ask. The thing is almost as tall as I am.
You'll need to pick it up or have somebody pick it up for you. There's also a big bag of your personal papers to go with it. (Notice how I now have zero tolerance for his bull)
FF: I'm pretty sure you can get a postal service to pick it up as is. You don't even need to put it in a box.
(Notice how he completely ignored what I said and answered as if I had said yes and had not even mentioned the big bag o'papers)

I did not respond. It would only escalate and then he would tell me I'm a bad friend for not sending him two African masks.

Sunday, June 03, 2012

Another celeb death: our youth is disappearing

I may start to think of 2012 as the year all of JAW Fan's favourite celebrities died.
Now it's Richard Dawson. Survey says: Rest in peace.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

14 Months!

Today at Kraft, a head rolled.  It was JAW Fan's head. Yep. After surviving 10+ years of cuts, they finally called his number. His final day on the job will be in early September.

He took tomorrow and Monday off, so there will be no comments from him here until Tuesday.

He gets 14 months paid. 14 months! I can't stop thinking about 14 months at FULL PAY. It's disturbing to me how much I am envying him. He doesn't have to work in his particular hell hole anymore. That's something to envy, for me.

He sounded fine on the phone. A bit manic, but he'd been into the wine since he got home. Now he can plan the next phase of his life. I find that part exciting. I think his mother is more upset about it than he is. Moms, what can you do, eh?

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Day to all the Moms out there.

Totally unrelated to Mother's Day, Mr. D. says, sorry, this unit is currently occupied. No vacancy.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

Weekend round-up

Did everyone watch the Kentucky Derby? It was a really exciting race. That winning jockey is a motor mouth. He wouldn't stop talking. Still. Good for him. A beautiful ride.

In gardening news...let me present before and after pics. Including the lawn inspector at work. 

Friday, May 04, 2012

Sad Day

My man MCA's got a beard like a billy goat.

Such a shame. Adam Yauch died. He was only 47. Ack! No more Beastie Boys.

Monday, April 30, 2012

The End of April

NaPoMo, we hardly knew ya. April, the cruellest month on blogger, is over. It's just too dang hard to post from work during the day with our outdated browser, now that blogger has upgraded.

So here I am with less than 2 hours left in NaPoMo, trying to salvage it. But will I? Is there one last poem left out there? she asked hopefully....

As for Mad Men this week,  oh Roger, he is so back on his game.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Enough already

Shut up and go back to class, you lame-o student protesters.  I'm tired of your antics.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Random news

Blogger has modernized its site and now I have to jump through hoops just to post a new item. Stupid modern world. I remember the olden days of blogging' when I was a wee tot. Things were easier in them days. Now all these new fangled dang google chrome requirements. It makes it harder to blog from work, by gum.

We have a new colleague who is from Peru. She often has candies and other treats from South America. Right now I am having a few Kraft-caramel-type candies from South America.  Why aren't I high yet? Shouldn't I be high?

Roger Sterling would understand.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Alberta Election Day

Will the Wild Rose Party prevail?
If so, be prepared to learn to goose step.
Seig Heil! Seig Heil!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Vacations and Junior Birthdays

The Littlest Anonymi is 9 today. A Friday the 13th birthday seems appropriate for the lil demon. ha. Happy Birthday, A.

I'll confess I thought he was 6. LOL! Where do the years go? I'm older than hell.

Last day of work before FLORIDA vacation! yay. It'll be over before I know it. Forecast for Tampa for Sun/Mon/Tues: 86/86/87 and sunny! Yeh, baby!

Bring on the beach and the Wise Chips.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Chip News

I saw a headline just now that said "Lays offers BLT-flavoured chips". So I clicked on the link and got: "Sorry we cannot find the page you are looking for."

Cruel Internet. Do not deny me the news I need to know! (But we all know what they are going to taste like.....BBQ.)

In other news, this blog is 6 years old this week. Happy Anniversary to us all!

Monday, April 09, 2012

This is poem-worthy

NEW YORK, N.Y. - A Quebec actress is being held on suspicion of stalking actor Alec Baldwin, authorities in New York City said Monday. A New York police department spokesman says Genevieve Sabourin, a 40-year-old actress from the Montreal-area, was arrested Sunday at the "30 Rock" star's Manhattan apartment after the actor called to file a complaint. The blond-haired, hazel-eyed Sabourin was arrested and charged with aggravated harassment and stalking after attempting to talk her way into the apartment building via the doorman.

Four words: JAW Fan in drag.

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Happy Easter to all

I have been very delinquent on the blog this week, but stupid work has been stupidly busy.

HOLY CRAP! It's National Poetry Month and I forgot all about it!!
Somebody needs to get his poetry hat on next week. We've got some serious catching up to do, we missed the whole first week.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Bits of obits

Two people I thought were already dead, died today. The poet Adrienne Rich and Earl Scruggs. I wonder if these two had anything else in common.


Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Mad Men is de retour

I don't want to spoil too much for those who are still watching Season 3. (Hurry up, already!)

So for those who watched it, here are my not so cryptic comments:

I hate that song.
Pete’s plaid jacket at the party. Awesomeness.
Why is it as soon as Sally appears on screen, I feel dread.
We need more of Apollo the plumber.
Lane, stay away from Dolores!
There's my baby!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Following in HIS footsteps

Today I set foot in Smoothie's Mom's antique store. The store was closed, but Smooths had the keys so he let us in for a brief tour. He was nervous about it, thinking that the neighbours might see and report back to his mom that they had seen him go in the store on Sunday with an old lady. Whatever. If you don't want to get caught, don't do the crime.

Anyways, the point of this posting is that Himself, Alec Baldwin, had been in this store on two occasions and purchased antiques from Mother Smoothie. From me to Smoothie to Mom to Alec. Is that 3 or 4 degrees of separation? Which puts JAW Fan at either 4 or 5 degrees from...heaven.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Any news?

This has been a quiet week so far for me. Does anyone have any news to report?
In the meantime, here is a picture of Miz Hitler looking lovely and relaxed on a sunny afternoon a couple of days ago.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Weird weather

I'm sorry but March 18 is not T-shirt time, or at least, it should not be. But it was +22 degrees today so Nanuk was out taking her walk around NDG in a T-shirt. I could feel the heat of the sun through my clothes. It was very odd.

Lots of kids playing basketball, street hockey, even badminton. All of them in shorts and T-shirts.

I love the heat, but I don't like what it symbolizes. This can't be winter in Canada. It's very conflicting to be lovin' it and fearin' it at the same time. Happy St. Patrick's Day of Doom!

And the crazy Poles are eating supper outside for the first time this year. Of course they are. As predictable as the running sap, these two.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Crazy Polish News

My CPN lived up to his bad reputation on the street last week.

My other neighbour, Georgette "the spy", told me that (follow me now):

1. My across-the-street neighbour Louise had parked her car on the street overnight one night last week.
2. Next morning, CPN pulled out of his driveway and hit Louise's car, denting it and scratching the paint.
3. CPN then drove off to work without telling Louise.
4. Georgette the spy was outside feeding the birds and witnessed all, so she prompty told Louise.

How big an asshole do you have to be to damage your neighbour's car and speed off like nothing happened? I know this kind of thing is done to strangers' cars all the time, but really? To do this to a neighbour? It appears his insurance is paying, but I sure hope Louise gave him shit when she told him she knew he had done it. Such an asshole.

Someone mentioned that the better solution would have been to have called the cops and have him arrested for a hit-and-run. Too bad Louise didn't do that. I would've been in heaven to see the police at the CPN's door. Such an asshole.

Sunday, March 11, 2012


I've switched my internet male box habits, and recently went over to the biggest dating website in the world, Plenty of Youknowwhat.

About 10 days ago, I met a guy for coffee. He works at a bank and seemed very nice. He reminded me quite a bit of Kumar, the immortal. We agreed to meet again. Last Wednesday, we went out of supper. Chinese food. It was good and an enjoyable date, so we agreed to meet again today for breakfast. At 10:30, which is almost two hours ago. No word from Bank Boy. Now he is really reminding me of Kumar, and not in a good way.

Being a modern girl, I texted him. Twice. And no response. Who gets stood up on a 3rd date? A first date? Sure, that happens all the time, particularly in Internet Dating World. But being AWOL for a 3rd date is really odd.

So no outside breakfast for me. I just made myself a lovely omelet with mushrooms and feta cheese. It was excellent. Best breakfast ever! Too bad for Bank Boy.

I guess I could make olive bread now. HA!

UPDATE: This blog has magical powers. I have now received 2 texts in 3 minutes, apologizing. His alarm didn't go off and he slept in too late. He is offering to bring over St. Viateur bagels to make it up to me. (I'm guessing Ms. Mushrooms is now thinking he is the Ideal Man.) I'm going to take a pass for today.

Friday, March 09, 2012

FF weekend update

So I cancelled the Sunday plans. I'm too irritated.

When I told FF I was annoyed at being criticized, he replied that he wasn't criticizing me, he was criticizing "the situation".

Well, I'm glad that is cleared up! I still want to bash his head in.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

The Return of Fancy Feast

FF is coming to spend the day on Sunday. It appears ribs and red wine will be on the menu, with some kind of apple dessert. He was planning the menu last night.

I told him I would make him an olive bread since he has been whining for one since he was in Calgary. I believe it is best to eat the olive bread fresh and warm out of the oven on Sunday, but he wants to take it home. So I said, well, then if you want some to take home, then don't eat too much of it on Sunday. His reply? Can't you make me a second one to take home?

Oh Fancy Feast, how I have missed your pushy arrogance.

Update: When I told him not to get pushy about a 2nd loaf. This is the answer I get.
QUOTE: Wanting a loaf of bread is greedy?? Seriously, you're on a mission to make sure I don't take olive bread home. I don't get it! Proper etiquette wouldn't have you sending me home with a piece of an olive bread loaf. I should be taking a full loaf home... UNQUOTE

I didn't think it possible, but it appears he's become even more insane. I love it.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Junior B-Day

I suspect the Anonymi Family are away on March break, but we must note that it is Jr. Anonymous the First's birthday today.

Happy birthday to you! One year until teen-dom....

Monday, March 05, 2012

The time has come...

Since the very beginnings of this blog, I have been patiently waiting for my boss's retirement in order to apply for her job. Well, today I started filling in my application. There's so much I don't like about the job, but after all these years of griping and moaning I need to do it now.

In shoddy news, the job was advertised last Friday but the notice was so mangled, it had to be withdrawn from our website after 12 hours and reposted. It was a mess, with many requirements that had NOTHING to do with the work. HR strikes again! Whatta zoo.

In the face of all this, I'll just keep thinking about the $$$.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Shoddiness is us

There is one clerk in our HR dept to take care of temporary contracts. She broke her arm and has been off for a couple of weeks. Therefore, yesterday, 20 people didn't get paid. Nobody else in HR took up the slack.

Whatta dump this place is.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Kids today and their real estate

My niece and her boyfriend bought a house today. She just texted me. I responded with an appropriate text "OMG!"

Permit me now to be my 51-year old-fart self and exclaim: "They are just kids!!!! Are they crazy???"

In fact they are not kids. They are both 26, but heck, anyone who I held as a one-day old baby will NEVER (in my brain) be old enough to have a mortgage. Let her mother's sleepless nights begin...

Friday, February 24, 2012

Je suis malade

I'm home sick today. I've had a cold most of the week, but being dedicated to my work on the Annual Report, I soldiered on. But with the AR out of the way for a few weeks, I can now rest and deflate, and blow my nose, and eat hot soup, and take a nap, etc. etc.

I am off to the Holy City of TO tomorrow for my birthday weekend.Sunday is also Oscar night, so all of Hollywood will be celebrating my 51st, or so that is what I will tell myself. I'll be back Monday evening.

Ms Mushrooms tells me that, so far, 51 is better than 50. Let us all hope so!

Monday, February 20, 2012

The Ring of Fire

On Saturday, being a dedicated international civil servant facing a tight deadline, I went to the office. As my treat for my dedication, I stopped at Tim's and got a coffee and one of their new gourmet bagels: jalapeno flavour.

The bagel was so spicy it burnt my tongue. I had trouble sipping my coffee and had to wait for my coffee to cool off to be able to sip it. Hot, hot bagel but very tasty indeed.

However, the burning that occurred when the bagel went in was no comparison to the burning felt later. The last time I had anything this painful exiting was during the "spicy carrots episode" after Indian Cultural Night at my employer's some 20 years ago. Perhaps JAW Fan will care to share his remembrance of those sensations.

It has quite put me off having another one of those jalapeno babies.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

It's a Double Birthday Weekend !!

Ms. Mushrooms enters her glorious 51st year today! Happy B-Day to you!

Mrs. Anon hits a mere 44 tomorrow. Happy B-Day to you! 44? That's getting up there, no?

Best wishes to both, may you have excellent years, and your husbands treat you right, and your kids don't make you mental. (Perhaps it is already too late for that last point.)

Monday, February 13, 2012


Well, JAW Fan has been in Mexico for 10 days now, and I have yet to see reportage concerning any assault on his person by Mexican drug cartel bandits.

Nor have I heard any report of his being assaulted by sandpaper-skinned, overly bronzed, horny, portly, tiny-Speedo-sporting patrons of his hotel.

Let us all breathe a sigh of relief. On both counts.

Sunday, February 12, 2012


Why have I developed such a visceral hatred of Paul McCartney? Could it be that because whenever he introduces a new song, I just know it's going to be lame and painful.

Yep, that's why.

In other news, Bruce Rocks! (But his new song is boring. Sad to say.)

Saturday, February 11, 2012


Let me be the first to say it: She never should've hooked up with that Bobby Brown. He was a baaaad influence.

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

A Great Stupid Thing

Sometimes you see something that is so dumb, it's actually funny.

Today in my junk mail folder, I got an invitation. But it was not to join Facebook. It was for a site that is a "clever" play on the word Facebook. It was an invitation from F*ckbook.

(I'm leaving out the u so I don't come up in searches for F*ckbook.)

Really? Don't you want to meet the genius who came up with the name F*ckbook? It's effing brilliant.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Happy Birthday to Mr. Anon

51 glorious years Up. And to share the day the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, no less.

The Queen may get all the attention elsewhere on the Internets world, but here it is Mr. A's day!

Enjoy! Let your kids make you feel old. Call up your old friend, Willy Y., and ask him what's new? How's his love life? LOL.

(Note to others: Willy Y. is the " Man from Huntingdon." This was revealed by accident last week. Thank you, Twitter.)

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Latest on Fancy Feast

It's almost a week since I last posted anything. Where does the time go? I guess we are due for some Fancy Feast news.

I got an email from him yesterday. He is miserable in Ottawa, hates his family, can't find a job, etc. etc. And he wants to move back to Montreal. So he writes: "I have a bit of money. Not much, but enough to do my own thing. What do you think if I came over for a week or so to apply for work and go to interviews? I'd want to use your address and home phone number for the job applications. When I use a Calgary number, they think it's too much hassle or something. I can pay you for the week that I'd be there."

If this was anyone else I know, I'd say yes. But we all know "a week or so" in FF-speak means he'd never leave. Last night I had a chat with A Man From Laval (AMFL) and I explained the FF situation. He zeroed in on the fact that I am in fact FF's "Enabler" and having FF in my environment prevents me from taking care of things that I need to do for myself (for example, decluttering and fixing my house).

So from now I have to quote AMFL: "You can't enable him to enable you to not do the shit you need to do." So there it is. Now I just have to tell Fancy. I can't enable him to enable me to not do the shit I need to do.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The movie that never ended

Greek film director Theo Angelopoulos has died. I saw only one of his movies, Ulysses' Gaze, and somewhere in an alternate universe, JAW Fan and I are still sitting in that theatre, watching the movie that seemed like it would never, ever end. I swear it's still going on.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Cue Sinatra (or Anka): "Regrets, I've had a few...."

Women get sold this "bill of goods" all the time: that their 50s can be their most exciting, vibrant decade ever. What utter crap. When do you ever see an article written for men that tells them how wonderful their 50s are? Never. Basically with men it's, you'll probably die of heart attack in the next ten years, and if not, Congratulations! ...So start jogging.

There’s a difference between being “50” and being “in your 50s” because once you are in your 50s it doesn’t matter whether you are 51 or 57. You are over the hill, professionally at least. Back in December (I think) two Canadians drowned on vacation in Mexico (sorry, JAW FAN, it's Bad News Mexico again) and I remember the headline said “Two seniors drown” and when I checked the story they were 72 and 55 !! So 50s is “seniors” in newspaper-speak. That’s pretty darn depressing.

As I was griping about this the other day, one of my friends (age 56, and the type who believes the things Oprah says) told me, you'll see, it only gets better! All I wanted to say was: how can you believe that shit you are saying? This whole 50 is the new 30 crap comes from the wrinkle-cream manufacturing industry. If I have to see another product called "age defying" I'll throw it across Jean Coutu. Deny, defy, whatever. We're fucking old, accept it.

Oscar Time

Very disappointed to read that Uggie the dog has not received a Best Supporting nomination. Will the Academy's blatant, shameless discrimination against canines ever end? I ask you!

Scorsese's movie Hugo has the most nominations. This is the first time in years that I have no interest whatsoever in the most nominated movie. When I first saw the trailer, I thought "meh" and I still think "meh". It's a Scorsese picture and there's no Joe Pesci? So why the f*** would I wanna see dat, eh? You tink I'm funny? You tink I am a clown? I make you laugh?

Also, re Best Actor: Go Gorgeous George!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Sunday, January 22, 2012

It's the Economy, Stupid

I received my driver's license renewal form last week. The cost for an annual renewal is $88.75. This is not a fortune.

But I noticed, for the first time, that you can pay your license on a monthly or bi-monthly installment, paying either $7.60 a month or $15.17 every two months. This payment plan can only exist because there is a significant need for it. It makes me sad to think there are enough people in this province who cannot pay $88.75 in one payment, that there is a need for payment plans for drivers licenses.

A lot of people are really hard up. This is not good. :(

Friday, January 20, 2012

We are Outlaws (?)

Last weekend, Smoothie emailed me frantically about some free preview movie passes, and I had to hurry, hurry to sign up for one. I did, not even knowing what the movie was. Turns out it was for Red Tails, and when I watched the trailer it looked like a giant yawn.

But we had our passes, so last night we met downtown. I really had no interest in seeing this movie. The big downtown theatre, however, has cut staff and there is no longer anyone checking tickets at the individual theatres (See my earlier post about Smoothie's griping about "overpaying" for IMAX Mission Impossible).

Anyway, once inside Smoothie said, well, we can always check what else is playing at this time and just duck in. So that is what we did. We saw The Artist, which I really enjoyed (as did Smoothie, who did not complain AT ALL at any point) and for free. Yes, we are thieves. Evil.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Jobs Report Update

I got a phone call yesterday from SOS about the job. It would be essentially a lateral because the tasks are so similar to what I already do. But it would be an escape!

Problem with this "escape" is that it would cost me about $20 grand a year. That's how much less it pays than my current pay-for-doing-nothing. Is it a sign of desperation that I'm still thinking about it even with $20 thou less? Oh yes, it is a sign of desperation.

Anyway, SOS said she would not expect me to apply officially for the job because taking a pay cut like that is insanity. I guess I have to agree. Far be it from me to argue with SOS.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Jobs Report

JAW Fan informs me that once again his job is on the chopping block. I think I should have a standard paragraph ready whenever this subject comes up so I can just cut-and-paste it annually. He could know as early as before his Mexican getaway whether he is a) chopped b) left alone or c) relocated. c) appears to be the ideal scenario as it could be to an office very close to his home. On the other hand, it is turns out a) is the answer, then he will be more than close to home, he will be at home. Let us await further developments...

In my job news, Smoothie contacted me yesterday because his sister works in recruitment in a big company that is in a similar field to my esteemed employer. And her big company needs an editor, and she wanted to receive my c.v. So, why the heck not, thought I. Sister-of-Smoothie (SOS) now has my life in her hands, or at least my work life story. I don't expect anything to come of this, but let us await further developments...

Monday, January 16, 2012

Golden Yawn

Who watched the Golden Globes? I did. And they were dull as heck. The only funny part was the introduction of Colin Firth.

At least Clooney won. And he looked ASTOUNDINGLY handsome. He's still got it. Representing all of us who will turn 51 this year. You go, Georgie boy.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Fancy Feast wants to enter the "snow war"

I was complaining about CPN to FF in an email. So he wrote:

"Would you like me to come over and straighten him out? I'll just go have a talk with him. It'll start with "Please don't shovel snow onto Nanuk's property." How the conversation ends is entirely up to him. But I can guarantee you he won't do it anymore after a talk with me. No threats or anything, I'll keep it civil. I just have a way of showing pricks like that I mean business. And it's such a stupid thing to be confrontational about that he'll just drop it."

I responded: "Frankly, I think he's a bit off and has power/control issues, so I'm afraid it would end in a confrontation. And you can't park on my lawn all winter. As soon as you would leave, he'd go back to doing it. I'm convinced. thanks anyway."

FF responded: "I know his type quite well. Trust me, I am very confident that I can yield permanent results out of him. It would also give me an excuse to visit you ;) "

We can see where this is headed, right?

Thursday, January 12, 2012

First snowstorm of the season

We got quite a lot of snow today, and you know what that Crazy Polish Neighbour has dumped a lot of snow on my lawn. grrr.

I hate that fucker with a hatred whose limits know no depths. (I don't even know if that makes sense. What I mean is I really, really hate him.)

Bad Timing

Yesterday was my aunt's 81st birthday. She is in Calgary. She is a cat owner and sometimes sends me various funny cat pictures, etc. I sent her a Happy B-Day email and in it I included a link to YouTube so she could see my kitties in action.

She replied including a long paragraph about how her cat of 11 years had to be put down last Friday and how upset she is about it. And how empty the house is. etc. etc.


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

FF Update

Turns out Fancy Feast is apartment-sitting for the month of January. So in February he has to move somewhere else.

I'm not out of the woods yet. Aiiyeee.

He keeps sending me photos of meals he has prepared, and new recipe ideas. What does he think? That I am some kind of piglet who can be lured with food? Oink.

All Quiet on the Blog Front

Is it January blahs? Nothing seems to be happening anywhere. I have no news. I have posted two more Tall Cats of Belmore videos to YouTube, if anyone cares to watch. I have one registered viewer and it is, of course, Fancy Feast.

Last weekend I saw Mission Impossible on Imax. It was fun. Tom Cruise is still the most wooden expressionless actor on earth. But, despite him, I enjoyed the movie.

Anyone have any news to share? Anyone?

Thursday, January 05, 2012

In Wedding News

Well, single gals, looks like we are out of luck. There's is now a Mrs. Potato Head.

Yep, our Potato Head Defense Minister, has gotten married. I was just reading the bio of the new Mrs. Potato Head, and I think she married down. She appears very accomplished, while he is just a Tory doofus. Oh well.

How long will it last? Will Peter PH be the Russell Brand of the Harper cabinet? Do we give it 14 months? Or will Mrs. PH do a Sinead, and have second thoughts after 18 days? Stay tuned.

Monday, January 02, 2012

Happy Fancy New Year

I can report that Fancy Feast has now returned to our nation's capital.

Special note to J&J: Have you noticed that your neighbourhood is feeling a tad "fancier" in the last week or so? Well, it should. He is now living on Frank, a mere few short blocks from your place.
You have been warned.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

It's Twenty Twelve

Happy New Year to one and all.

I'll be making my resolutions when I am good and ready, and at this point, that may mean nevah!