Monday, May 31, 2010

Celebs that be dead

If you are wondering why I have not commented on Gary Coleman or Dennis Hopper, it's because I'm waiting for the third celebrity shoe to drop.

Any guesses? Is it time for a round of Celebrity Death Pool?

I'm not counting Art Linkletter because the guy was 97. You gotta go sometime.

My life is a joke (Boob Edition)

I went for my very first mammogram this morning. All weekend, I feared the pain, but it was really nothing. Problem was...3/4 of the way done, the machine broke down. Fun!

The technician tried to reboot. Nothing happened. So she is standing there pushing buttons and getting angry and frustrated, and I am going "la dee dah do do do" with the trouble-making boobs exposed.

She sent me off for other x-rays (bone density, etc.) and when I came back it still wasn't working. Half an hour later, after she talked to the technician on the phone about "la maudite machine" it started up again and got done. So something that should've taken 10 minutes took an hour. On a Monday morning. Why is it always me? At least my chest doesn't hurt.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Fancy Feast Follow-up

He makes a mean guacamole and a lovely Oreo cheesecake. He is a Ruffles man.

He fixed my computer, so I finally have wireless, and my 4-year-old PC now runs faster and smoother than ever. He spent 20 minutes on the line with Bell and never once raised his voice or seemed impatient. They couldn't fix the problem, so he tried and tried again, and fixed it. In all, he spent over 3 hours just installing my defective wireless.

I could do worse.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


Went to a birthday dinner for a friend last night. Only ladies present. We all brought funny cards for the guest of honour.

This was not my card, but it was the biggest hit.

Two women on the front. One is saying "Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm." Second one is saying: "What are you doing for it?"

Open card. First woman says: "Sniffing pepper."

My friends laughed and laughed.

BLESS YOU, HURRICANE HATTIE. That joke never gets old.


Big date with Fancy Feast tomorrow. So the question is: Diet Coke or water?

What to do?

And referring to BJB's comment about coffee flavour chips, why not chocolate flavor chips? Wouldn't they be the ideal combo of sweet-and-salty?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Younger Generation

When I met Fancy Feast a few weeks back, he could not believe I had ordered a Diet Coke. He insisted that soda gives you cancer. Apparently, I should drink water.

This weekend, I had coffee with the Tall Teacher and he is appalled, appalled, that I put sugar in my coffee. "That is so bad for you," he says.

What is with these people? I hardly know how to bring up the topic of CHIPS with either of them. I may have to live in the Chip Closet, munching in the privacy of my own home. And I won't feel guilty about it!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Victoria Day

The weather is already spectacular, and the Crazy Polish Neighbors have just packed up the car and left for the day.

This very well could be the Perfect Holiday Monday.

Bob is 69 today!

It's not dark yet/but it's getting there.

Friday, May 21, 2010

JAW Fan's Doritos Report

After last month’s Late Night Cheeseburger Doritos success story, obviously I was eager to sample their other new flavour Tacos at Midnight. As special border-crossing agent X (aka Mommy) was going to Plattsburgh for the day, I immediately insisted she bring home a bag of these Taco Triangles, regardless of how many 300-pound Walmart-shopping sad-excuse-for-a-human beings she had to push out of the way.

Although I intended to open them only next week, I could not resist the voice that called out to me from behind the cupboard door. Within an hour of having them in my house, I had ripped into the bag and was preparing myself for an explosion of deliciousness. How disappointed I was! Although they were original in taste…sadly, they lacked oomph. They tasted more like Taco Spice Mix than an actual Taco. I actually only ate one small bowl full and then put the bag away (granted I wasn’t particularly hungry, but when has that really ever stopped anyone from going on a binge) These highly anticipated treats left me feeling all flaccid and dangly. On the wang-o-meter these Mexican-inspired duds rate a muy pequeño y muy triste 4 inches.

On the positive side, however, Mommy…I mean, special border-crossing agent X…also brought back a giant bag of Late-Night Cheeseburger Doritos…so not to worry, my wang reading will soon be back where it should be.

Lazy arse Friday

My boss booked the day off, and the most urgent assignment I had to complete, I did yesterday.

So....I hope there's lots to blog about today, or this is gonna be the longest day evah!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

A small rant

Used to be when I bought my tomato plants for summer plantin', I would get 12 in a box. Then it went to 11.

Last couple of years, it's been 9 to a box.

This year? 6.

The world's going to hell.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

S h a v e d P u s s y C a t

I took Miss Hitler in for her bum shaving. She is now fresh as a Spring daisy.

Once again, I was astounded to hear the groomer describe her as "wonderful", "so playful", "a sweetheart" and "a delight". I keep repeating "that's great!" but I was thinking "WHO are you talking about???"

I guess it is better than having a normally pleasant cat misbehave in public, but it's so weird.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Family Feud (Underground Edition)

I have another neighbour problem. And this one is not temporary.

We have a family plot in the cemetery in my hometown (not V’Field, but D’Ville). I bought this plot (real cheap!) and my parents are buried there. It is in the same cemetery where my mother’s parents and her sister are buried. I too will eventually be going in the same plot. What can I say? I like to plan ahead. I’m a planner!

Anyway, in family squabble news, there’s an uncle (husband of one my mother’s sisters) whom basically the whole family cannot stand. And this summer that branch of the family decided to also buy a plot in the same cemetery. Not just the same cemetery, but they are in OUR row. Just a few plots down from us. I am incensed. (Is that a joke? Not sure.)

I do believe I heard my father calling from beyond the grave. I recognized his voice. He said: I don’t want to spend eternity next to that goddamned sonofabitch Edgar. (He was not fond of my aunt’s husband.)

And it’s not only my aunt and uncle who are going in that plot, but their kids including their son, the cousin that my sister and I really cannot stand. He’s a c.c. of his father, and we loathe him to the same degree. When I told sis that the cousin was also going to be in OUR row, she howled: NOT HIM TOO!!!

So now I’d like to get a wheelbarrow and haul our headstone over to another row with a better class of neighbour. I mean, how dare they? Eternity next to that sonofabitch Edgar. Is there no peace to rest in? I’ll be glad I’m dead so I won't have to think about it anymore.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Metal update

The bestest thing about a blog is I never know what is going to get comments. It can be quite a surprise, like Dio. Who knew?

Anyway, I listened to Paranoid. And, yes, of course, I know it. It's okay, but doesn't thrill me.

Then I listened to Photograph, and I can honestly say, I don't know that one. Didn't much like it.

I still vote for Man on the Silver Mountain. It has a great hook. Blackmore Rules!


A sure sign that the Canadiens are finished for the season: The Crazy Polish Neighbours have a Habs flag on their car.

I cannot tell you how stupid and retarded this is. These people don't watch hockey at all. I know this because on some of the warmer April evenings when the Canadiens were playing, I saw my neighbours sitting in the backyard, doing whatever it is they do. But they've never watched a hockey game in their lives. Idiots.

Like I needed a new reason to hate them. (And, yes, of course, it has already crossed my mind to break the flag off the car. It was my first thought. My second thought was that he could then shove the flag pole up his ass...but now I'm getting carried away...)

Go Forth, and Rock!

Ronnie James Dio died. He ws 67.

Everyone who knows me knows I have no interest in heavy metal at all. But I do love one song. "Man on the Silver Mountain" by Ritchie Blackmore's Rainbow. Dio sang it. I just checked on youtube and it's there (of course) so I will listen to it later at home.

There. There is my one heavy metal confession. I haven't heard that song in decades, but I still love it.

Well, maybe two. There's that Def Leppard song I really like too. But I can't remember what it's called.

The only other time I love metal is when it is related to Jack Black either in School of Rock or anything done by Tenacious D. Raise your goblet of rock!

UPDATE: In case this was going to keep anyone from sleeping tonight, I can report that the Def Leppard song I like is, of course, Pour Some Sugar on Me.

Nanuk, the Metal Head

Thursday, May 13, 2010

P.U. No More

I would be amiss if I did not take a moment to blog on the Better Marriage Blanket, the carbon-lined flatuence-absorbing miracle product.

It actually soaks up the smell of prrrrrrt.

This is amazing. But...doesn't that take some of the fun out of marriage. Ladies, no longer complaining about your hubbie's in-bed odors? Won't you feel like something has been lost?

What I love in the interview I read with the inventor (in is this assumption that only men pass stinky wind in bed. How naive. How cute.

The never-ending Hell of Habs fans

One of our IT guys (age 50+) was sitting in the caf wearing his Habs jersey this morning.

And now, one of my colleagues (she is 51) came into my office waving a giant cardboard Habs finger. We're No. 1, we're No. 1.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Oh, Enough Already

This city is, apparently, in the grip of some sort of "hockey fever".

This was made clear to me this morning as I looked out the window of the bus and spotted not one, but two, older (i.e. grey haired but maybe only in their 40s or 50 max) men carrying briefcases, clearly on their way to the office, but wearing Canadiens jerseys. And these guys weren't together; they were standing on different corners. Please, guys. You aren't university students. End this foolishness.

One other thing I've learnt since this insanity began: a cop on a horse is really quite intimidating. Horses scare me a bit just because they are always so much bigger in person (in person? in horse?) than I expect. So a uniformed cop on a big horse is really effective in keeping me out of the way.

I'm hoping the city keeps these mounted police on duty during Grand Prix weekend. They can stomp all over obnoxious wealthy Euro trash and that will make me happy.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

JAW Fan's Ode to Lena

Gabriel did blow his horn
On the day Lena was born
Upon her death, his lips now sore
For Lena Horne, he blows no more.

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Hey Moms

Happy Mothers Day to the moms out there.

My wish is that you get an ENTIRE day without your kids making you mental. Perhaps this is too much to wish for.

And, if you are a Montreal Mom, enjoy the snow! (Muffled screams into the nearest pillow.)

Friday, May 07, 2010

Mmmm Fibre

I am at this moment enjoying the Fibre 1 bar I got in my Publi Sac this week. It is oats and chocolate flavour, and it is pretty darn tasty.

I may buy these.

See! Freebies do work. It's old-fashioned marketing, but it gets the job done.

RoMaBo - I've been dumped! (or maybe not)

Well, that was quick. Fancy Feast emailed me last night and said he suspected I had "a plan of action".

If you have any idea what that means, please enlighten me.

I asked him to clarify and never heard from him again.

And they say women are difficult.

Not one to let that get me down, I immediately emailed the purring Persian and said: Whatcha doing this weekend?

Update. It appears Fancy Feast suffered some kind of homework-related meltdown last night, but seems to be recovering (and is back in communication) this morning. The fun is endless.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

RoMaBo - University Edition

I spoke to Fancy Feast last night about our alleged date for tomorrow night.

He is in full panic mode, not about the date, but about homework. He was laid off last year and decided to go to university for a career switch. And university started this week. And now he has realized that university = lots of homework. Especially in the short 6-week spring term (as opposed to the normal 12-week fall or winter term). This ain’t high school, pal.

So he’s totally freaking out. He’s trying to figure out how to get the homework done and leave time for the date which he claims he’s been looking forward to all week. Anyone want to place a bet on whether I’ll spend the weekend twiddling my thumbs?

Well, there’s always decluttering to be done. No time to waste!

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Yay! Whee!

I got a free Fibre 1 bar in my Publi Sac this week.

This is the kind of thing I get a little too excited about.

Publi Sac freebie = Halloween for adults.

Celeb Death Comment

Yes, Redgraves are dropping like flies.

I read a bit about Lynn Redgrave's career; all the obits mention Georgie Girl ("Hey there! Georgie girl! there's another Georgie deep inside." So catchy that tune from my childhood. Never saw the movie, though).

But what I remember best is that she was the first "respectable" celeb I remember advertising diet stuff on television. I can't remember if it was Weight Watchers (I'm pretty sure it was) but as a kid I thought that as a respected actress she should not be on t.v. doing commercials. Even at the time, I thought she must need the money.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Spring has Sprung

Remember how my back yard looked last week? Well, this is how it looked on Sunday. The grass is so greeeeen.
Gussie Bear approves!

Even I am not this deranged

A guy in Germany married his cat.

Far be it from me to call anyone a loser, but seriously...dude. You're a loser.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

O NaPoMo, I weep for thee

How can NaPoMo be over already? The month flew by so quickly, alas. The Poet Laureate of this blog says he needs inspirational posts to fire his imagination. But life is dullsville, no? Where's the poetry in life, I ask you? Where?

(Why am I ranting and striking my bosom in Shakespearen fashion this morning. I dunno. Maybe I'll be better after a coffee.)

In other news, Fancy Feast date success. We ended up meeting at the McD's in St. Henri, of all the godforsaken places. It was a mid-point for us. Had a good time. Surprisingly. The reward for low, low expectations, I guess. I think Fancy Feast may be JAW Fan's kind of man. He's on the chunky side, and nothing sets him off like people who behave badly on public transit. Need I say more.