Thursday, February 24, 2011

Smell ya laterz

I'm off to the Holy City in the morning.

I shall return Sunday in time for OSCAR. Upon my return, I shall be much older, much wiser, much fatter.

My new Olympian motto: Older, Wiser, Fatter.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Black Gold

Mo Qaddafi/Gadafi came to power when I was 8. I have never known a Mo-less world. And Fidel. They're just always there. Like Jacques Parizeau. (He's never going away. By jove. )

Where are the new generation of dictators? They need to hire some PR specialists because I don't know who they are. Look at Baby Doc Duvalier, going back to the country he ransacked just to....actually does anybody know why he showed his face there? It's because he's dictator material that's why! The numero uno characteristic of a good dictator is EGO. They don't build em like that anymore.

There's just too much going on the world and nobody can focus on the most life-altering event of recent days. Which, of course, is Justin Bierber's new haircut. For the record, I like it.

I guess the people who are most happy about all this mess are the corrupt first family of Tunisia. I mean, who's thinking about them anymore? I wonder if they are still living in that hotel in Vaudreuil?

I'm in a snit over the whole Mo spectacle because the price of oil is climbing like crazy. Excuse me, but it's still February here, and I'm going to need at least one more heating oil fill-up before Spring. So I don't like this oil spike. I don't like it one bit. The last time I got a fill-up it was already 7 cents/litre more than the first one of the season, so I can just imagine what the next one's going to be like. So everybody over there should just calm down a bit because I've got bills to pay!

Meanwhile, New Zealand is clearing its throat and saying "uh, a little help here?"

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Pre-Birthday News

Last weekend, the "girls" had a b-day party for me since I am going to be away in The Holy City on the actual Day of 50 Doom.

They performed a funny birthday song for me. To the tune of Hungry Heart. It had 20 verses. I didn't think there was that much to say about me. Blackie the Cat had two verses just about him. And the CPNs got a verse too. (Almost ruined the song, but not quite.)

And then they presented me with house-cleaning-themed gifts, the main one being a pile of $$$ which I am to use to buy a.....ROOMBA! I'm so excited. The lazy woman's vacuum-cleaning dream will soon be mine. And I look forward to watching my feline friends ride around. Maybe they will even end up in YouTube videos, riding the ROOMBA, like so many other cats. (Just search: "cat roomba" for all endless fun.)

Monday, February 21, 2011

World events

Tunisia, Egypt, Bahrain, yeah, yeah, whatever. But Libya?

Mo's on his way out? Say it ain't so. There are still crazy speeches to give, powder-blue jumpsuits to be sported and Bedouin tents to be raised in inappropriate places. He's not done yet.

And worst of all: think of those unemployed female bodyguards. What will happen to them? I'm sure Berlusconi is ready to hire them all, but seems like he's in a bit of trouble himself. Somebody hire the female bodyguards!! I think we should take them in. Just picture Harper surrounded by bodacious, high-kickin' babes. It's so perverse it appeals to me. The Harpo Squad.

National Inequality Day

Some provinces have a day off today. We do not.


Saturday, February 19, 2011

Another Birthday

Today's lucky birthday girl does not get to turn 50 for a long time. {jealous face icon here}

Happy Birthday to Mrs. Anon, a mere youth.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Miscellaneous Friday News

1. My sis called last night. She was in Zellers and they had breadmakers, so she picked one up for me. Isn't she the best? I had told her that they were out of them here, but I hadn't bothered to tell her I found that out whilst shopping with a married man who I didn't know at the time was married. Details, details. Anyway, apparently this breadmaker is pretty huge. I don't know where I'm going to put it and I certainly can't haul it back on the train next weekend, so I guess it stays in the Holy City until the next time she comes to town.

2. I googled images of Valentino Lanus. Muy caliente.

3. Only 6 weeks until National Poetry Month!!

4. Ms Mushrooms reports that 50 feels a lot like 49. This is encouraging news.

Grow old? Grow old? NEVAH!!

Today Ms. Mushrooms will keep the bottoms of her trousers rolled.

Happy 50th Birthday!!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Los Chipos de Mexico

Not only is JAW Fan back from his Mexican vacation, but the soul-destroying concept we call work has managed to quickly make the vacation a distant less than a week. But Mexican chips do not so quickly fade from one's memory. So without further ado, here is his Mexican Chip Report for 2011. (applause)

Have returned once again from beautiful Puerto Vallarta, Mexico…land of tacos and telenovelas…and, of course, latino potato chips, which in my opinion are guaranteed to knock your socks off (not that I wore any for the 2 weeks that I was away.) Trust me, Mexican munchies are the bees knees, the cat’s meow, and Valentino Lanus all rolled up into one. And with so many flavours to choose from, I didn’t know where to begin…so, naturally, I had to sample as many different ones as possible. And a-samplin’ I did!...Flamin’ Hot Ruffles, 3 Quesos, Ranchero Corn Chips, Chile con Limon Crujitos…the list goes on.

No matter the brand name or the flavour, these delicioso tastebud treats are guaranteed to have your undies undulating with yumminess (not that I wore any of those either for 2 weeks)…Yes, they are definitely worth giving up your first-born for. Seriously, I think Rosemary would have had a much easier time adjusting to the devilization of her baby had her Satan-worshipping friends offered her some of these savoury snacks as compensation.

As for the wang-o-meter, it has never seen such sky-rocketing action. The damned thing kept soaring to levels that even the Flying Wallendas could not attain….Did I mention Queso y Chipotle, Salsa Verde, Habanero, and Buffalo??? Yes, Buffalo flavour (which I assume is in reference to chicken wings and not bison) Whatever the case, it didn’t matter, every bag was like a trip to the Mmmmmmoon (let’s throw in another few “mmmm” just to be safe)…Like I told the customs official after she searched my suitcase and found the 9 small bags I was bringing back home* “me encantan sus papas fritas!”

And if the above chips didn’t damage the ding-dong of the wang-o-meter, the Guacamole ones I purchased did. My poor contraption required an extension just in order to get an accurate reading. Yes, these gorgeous green bites of Guacamole goodness rate a fantastico 15 inches of hot hombre-loving, pure pulsating pleasure…making them the indisputable Harry Reemes of the potato chip world…and reason alone to return next year.

*and which have sadly already been eaten (yes, all 9 of them!!!)

(Editor's Note: Should I know who Valentino Lanus is?)

Valentine's Week continues

I met up with someone new last night. He seemed first. I felt comfortable right away and so did he. He seemed happy. We had no specific plan except to meet, and I needed to go to Zellers, so I asked him if he minded. And he was very agreeable. He even said that doing something was better than just sitting and having a coffee and trying to make conversation. So off we went in search of a bread-maker (which was out of stock and I didn't want to bother getting a raincheck. Alas.)

So after we leave the store, he says "so you want to get something to eat or to drink, or do we just go back to your place?" I was very clear that we were not going back to my place. And he was okay with that. No harm in asking, I suppose.

We sit down in the food court with a coffee and he asks me about the ring on my left hand. I tell him it was my mother's and I wear on the left because that's where it fits best. But I'm not married. Then:

Me: How about you? Have you ever been married?
Him: I am married.
Me: What?
Him: I am married. Now. But my wife is not in Montreal. We have problems. Very complicated.
Me: Okay.
Him: You didn't ask me before. So I thought you didn't care if I was married.
Him: Well? Is this the end?
Me: Yes.

Dating is so fun!!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

It's Valentine's Week here on the blog

A couple of stories in the paper today have led me to continue the Valentine's Luuuv theme for another day.

In the first very silly article, a poll by an on-line dating service I have never heard of rated the hawtness of people on the island of Montreal. The men of NDG came in first, but the women of NDG rated second-to-last.

I demand a recount.

All over NDG today, male halves of couples are having a great day, while the female halves quietly (or not so quietly) steam. I'm waiting for the inevitable email from a certain Tall NDGer I know claiming "I'm hot and you're not! LOL" ...should be arriving any minute now....

In the second article, we are informed that the majority of people "looking for love on-line" are middle-aged crones (like me?) Assuming this means both women AND men of the middle ages are looking, then why can't I meet someone my own age?

Maybe I don't want to? hmm. Point to ponder.

Monday, February 14, 2011

V-Day update

Smoothie did not buy the roses. He decided this would have been a new low for him, and he didn't want to go there.


But then he brought up the $8.00 delivery fee again, and I can't help but think that is the real reason he didn't go through with it.

More V-Day antics

Here is a Valentine’s Day story to make us old folk SO happy we are not 20-something anymore.

BGTSmoothie recently met this girl. He has hung with her and her friends a couple of times. A bit of hanky panky has taken place. He was over there on the weekend and was told he could get “favours” if he sent her 2 dozen roses for V-Day. Really? I said. 2 dozen roses? That’s her price?

So, being the cheap son of Israel that he is, he’s complaining because he called a florist that is “9 minutes” from her work, and the delivery charge will be $8.00. Eight dollars for 9 minutes distance. You can imagine his outrage over this. (It is quite an Ignatius-Reilly-type outrage, I might add.)

I said, why have them delivered? Bring them yourself, if you truly want to do this, to ensure that you get your “favours” and the delivery man doesn’t. Heh heh. He said No. She insisted that they have to be delivered to her office. I’m guessing this is to show everyone at her work that she is getting 2 dozen roses for V-Day. I wonder if she will let the co-workers know what he is getting in return. I told him he is an idiot if he goes along with this deal, but he’s 25. I guess that is still in the age of idiocy. Sigh. Kids today.

Happy Valentine's Day

Here is how I have spent my Valentine's Day so far. I got to work and was feeling head-ache-y so I bought a coffee and a cranberry juice because I think I am dehydrated. I was really thirsty.

I get to my desk and it turns out my plastic juice bottle is one of those duds where the top just won't come off. My hand got all red trying to twist it. So I put on a mitten. That did not work. I took a paper towel to get a grip. That did not work. I put it down and stared at it. That did not work. I tried a knife but it was too dull.

I went to my colleague in the next office, thinking perhaps I am just weak from dehydration, but she could not open it either. But she had a sharper knife. So I went to the kitchen with her knife and spent over 10 minutes sawing the plastic twist top off the stupid defiant bottle.

If finally came off and I figure I lost about 3 or 4 gulps down the drain. But at least I won that battle. So at 9:40 I was ready to work, but I decided to blog about this instead. So now I will get to work.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Romantic Male Box News

For the past two days I have been chatting on-line with the first man I've ever met who seems desperate to get married. He's like a woman in a rom-com. His profile says he just wants to meet someone and get married so he can get off the dating site.

I suspect he is a romantic scammer, seeking out a woman of a certain age who may be panicky desperate for a man. And he's talking to me. Never has a wronger tree ever been barked up. (Wow, terrible sentence structure there, eh?)

Anyway, I'm going to continue to chat because I want to see how long it takes before I get a request to send him some money for a plane ticket or some kind of unexpected expense, and if I really care about him, of course, I will front him the money. Because I'm a (near) 50-something spinster with cats. So naturally I will part with my money for a man. You don't know Miss Frugal, Jack.

Smoothie says the guy doesn't sound like a scammer because he seems too awkward. It's true he is not particularly suave. Maybe this is his first scam? Or maybe he's really some guy who really, really wants to get married. Now I have to ponder how I feel about becoming wicked step-mother to an 8-year-old girl. Yikes.

to be continued...

P.S. At the same time that I had one open window and was chatting with Mr. Desperate, I had a second window open and was chatting with the Persian about setting up a date. Does that make me an evil two-timer? Nah. Just an old girl who knows a good Persian when she's got one. He's going to love the Mr. Desperate story.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Laugh of the day (un-PC)

Our politically incorrect text processor has been off sick for two weeks with back problems.

She called in today to give a progress report. She is a very thin woman to begin with, and she's lost ten pounds since she has been away. "I'm like Auschwitz" she said.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Argh! More snow!

It's snowing like crazy again.

I think it's time for Mrs. A. to bring the two little terrors....I mean, the two little anonymi, to play in my front yard.

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Another Feb 6 Birthday

Told ya she wasn't dead.
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Zsa Zsa Gabor celebrated her 94th birthday at home on Sunday and ate a piece of cake, after her release from a hospital where she was treated for pneumonia, the actress's spokesman said.

Another 50

Mr. Anonymous is 50 today. Happy B-Day!

Is it me or does N.A.L. class not seem like that long ago? whimper.

Mr. A. must've asked for snow for his birthday because I thought we were getting 2 to 4 cm, but we got 13. oh joy. I'm heading out to shovel now. whimper.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Work again!

There are a lot of very unhappy campers here at work today. Two jobs were reclassified. These are the two Personal Assistants to the two Top Dogs of the place.

These jobs were upgraded so they are now paid the same as the engineers, chemists and interpreters. If you think you can pay a glorified secretary the same as a mutlilingual interpeter, and nobody is going to notice, you have another think coming. When our dept requested that we as editors be upgraded to levels that are two levels DOWN from these ones, we were told there's no money for that. It's all about who you know.

And then HR and upper management wonder why staff are disgruntled. Fuck.

So...what's new in the world?

Happy James "Groundhawg" Joyce's birthday to all. Unlike the rest of us, Jim would not be turning 50 this year.

The groundhog did not see his shadow this morning. Probably because the groundhog is not an idiot and would not emerge from his hole for love or money today. The weather is unbelievable. But an early spring has been predicted. Huzzah!

The weather is so bad....(how bad is it?)....that Blackie got to stay in the mud room today. He'll still be cold but at least he will be dry.

But our weather, as bad as it is, is nothing, nyet, nada, compared to this cyclone hitting Australia. Look at this picture. Look at the size of this mutha. That is scary.

And, oh yeah, the Middle East is exploding. Our Cairo office has been evacuated.