Sunday, January 31, 2010

Fearless Prediction No. 2,342

Yesterday I made this point for the first time, so mark the calendar.

Roger Federer is goin' down. He is too perfect, his life, his wife, his kids, it's all too perfect.

He's the next Tiger.

New Magnetic Fields

I am obsessed. I cannot get Data Polka out of my head.

Gyrate like a gyroscope
Collide like a kaleidoscope

Those lines are driving me insane.


Saturday, January 30, 2010

Winter wonderland shite

It's minus 21, with the *&#$^* wind it is minus 31.

Eff! I have to be out all day for a friend's birthday brunch etc., boozing, etc..

Let's all ponder the image of JAW Fan in Mexico on the beach in a speedo. OK. Let's not. On so many levels, let's not.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Adios, J.D.

J.D. Salinger died yesterday.

Seeing as how he was a recluse, I expected the story to be that he actually died 6 months ago, but they only got into the house and found his remains yesterday. But, no, apparently he did actually die yesterday.

Great books. I love them all.

Adios, amigos

JAW Fan and Man are off to Mexico tomorrow. Have el funo.

Relax, eat el chipos, and rest up because when you get back it will be a mere 7 weeks before NaPoMo. You will need your strength.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Tonight's is Obama's first State of the Union address.

The giant political nerd within me is atwitter.

I'll have my popcorn popped and ready to go.

Sad, isn't it?

UPDATE: That was the funniest SOTU speech I've ever watched. There were a lot of "Oh Snap" shots at the Republicans. It was great.

On a sartorial note, Joe Biden's purple tie was to die for. As was Michelle Obama's purple dress. I am thrilled that everyone has started wearing purple, wearing purple.

Blue vs Grey

Civil War is breaking out in our dept. Given my ambitions under Items 4 and 6* of my New Year's Resolutions, I don't know which side to take.

Am I Robert E. Lee or Uly S. Grant? Lead the rebellion or save the union?

Our Lincoln is on her way to Ford's Theatre.

(*To refresh the reader's memory, these would be "get rid of boss", and "be more Machiavellian", respectively.)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Monday Nite was Non-Date Nite

I did not meet the purring Persian last night. We were in the same tiny pub and did not find each other. I'm about ready to throw in the towel on this whole romantic male box crap.

I had told him to please be on time because I am very uncomfortable by myself in a bar or pub. I told him I'd arrive around 7:10. I got there at 7:15. I looked around. No Persian.So I sat at a table and watched the door. No Persian. So I left.

Meanwhile, a few metres away....

The Persian was sitting at the bar, watching the hockey game, and found himself surrounded by 3 "over-friendly" guys. I did indeed notice these 4 guys sitting at the bar and talking loud, but since I was looking for one guy alone, I didn't pay attention to them. I certainly didn't walk up and eye them to see if any of them was the Persian.

So he didn't see me sitting near the door of the pub, and I didn't see him at the bar. Today he says "I thought you'd be sitting at the bar". Yep, sure, me and seven men, just watching the game.

Moral of the story: Do not "date" in the 21st Century unless you are both carrying cell phones with each other's numbers programmed into them. Lesson learned.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Public service announcement

I have just had a bowl of Campbell's Healthy Request Cream of Mushroom soup.

It was the worst, blandest, most lame soup I have ever tasted. Bar none.

I had far tastier soups on the several occasions I joined my mother for lunch in the nursing home. I kid you not.

Avoid this soup at all costs. Save the $2.59.

I'm still trying to get the taste of bleh out of my mouth.

But, being a hoarder, I have saved the second half of the can, hoping to use it to make some kind of sauce or something. It will need a lot of spices, peppers, life.

Snow Day? Rain Day? Hilary Day

Lounging at home watching the Haiti conference on t.v., looking for my co-workers in the background but I haven't seen anyone I know. For now, only CBC's French news network is covering it in detail, but I imagine English CBC will be on board this afternoon when Hilary shows up.

It's plus 7 and raining. In January! The world really is ending.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Anti-proroguing on Parliament Hill

This photo provided by our Ottawa Bureau. (Betcha didn't even know we had an Ottawa Bureau).

Eat your heart out, Keith Boag.

thanks to JD.

Anti-Harperites united

The anti-prorogation protestors in Edmonton shouted: Yes to perogies, no to prorogation!

Those wacky Western ethnics!

I didn't go to the rally, I confess. Nor did I shop for bargains at The Bay.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Happy Birthday Mr. Mushrooms

Here we go, the cluster of birthdays starts today.

Husband of Ms Mushrooms turns 49 today. The first of "the Cock'n'Bull gang" to enter his 50th year. Not that he gives a damn, being the un-neurotic, laid-back guy he is.


Friday, January 22, 2010

Haiti Telethon

Right now, Reese Witherspoon is talking to some lucky shmo who called in to donate.

I so want that shmo to be Chris.

I protest, you protest, he protests, she shops for bargains

My colleague is asking me to attend the anti-Harper, anti-prorogation rally tomorrow.

I'm tempted, but it's going to be minus 7!

I know Harper thinks he's Stalin, and this cannot continue, but minus 7 is cold.

Here was my sister's take on the matter. The rally is being held downtown, and The Bay is downtown and The Bay is having a sale where all previously marked-down items are another 30% off. Therefore, according to her logic, I should protest Stalin first and shop for bargains later.

Remember that great sale back at the begining of the year where I got three pairs of pants for the office for $50. Well, what if I can get even more pants for about $35? In sister's mind, this is a great opportunity to protest the government and SAVE!

Brother-in-law has already written a letter to his MP, so they are in full anti-Harper mode right now. And it's 30% off.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Wednesday nite is good date nite

Is there some unknown feature on my computer that automatically links me up with guys from large, strict Catholic families? Where is that feature?

There's a weird, smooth easiness involved in that shared Catholic upbringing. I felt it immediately with Nickname Pending, and now again it happened with NAG.

I think I have to change NAG's nickname. He is Former Altar Boy or FAB. (Get it? He's FAB.)

Shut up and go change the cat litter, Nanuk.

Wednesday Nite is Date Nite

Here I go again. Coffee with someone new.

I don't have a name for him but since he is the New Age-appropriate (40s) Guy, I will go with NAG for now.

I'm a bit worried I'll hear a lot about work because NAG's company is undergoing some kind of restructuring and it appears to be a hassle for him. I hope he doesn't talk about it for an hour.

It looks like this Sunday will be a first meeting with the Purring Persian, while Date No. 2 with Nickname Pending has been pushed back to the following Sunday. That is okay, he's worth waiting patiently for.

I trust your score card is now up to date.

The only good thing to come out of the Haitian tragedy

Our offices are closed on Monday. We all get the day off!

The Canadian govt has organized a high-level, super-duper meeting on Haitian reconstruction. And it is going to be held in our building. So us minions have been told to stay off the premises, for security reasons.

In a way, I'm a bit disappointed. Hilary Clinton will be attending, and it would've been exciting to see her in person, maybe take a picture. As my colleague said "You can always stand across the street trying to get a glimpse and get picked off by a police sniper." There IS that option.

I now have dreams that I am going to accomplish SO MUCH in that one unexpected, bonus day off. I will follow ALL my New Year's Resolutions!

Monday, January 18, 2010

My Girl

I think I say this every time I see her on an awards show (which is a lot), but I wish Meryl Streep was my friend. She seems so fun.

I want to hang with my girl Meryl.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Gorgeous George

Ooh, I just saw Mr. Clooney on the red carpet. He looked good. Great, even.

In Up in the Air, he looks old and haggard, but maybe he's supposed to be. Maybe it's part of his character. But a turkey neck is a turkey neck. And George had a turkey neck.

48 is tough. For all of us!

Up in the Air is an enjoyable movie. Not the greatest movie ever made, but a good solid movie. For those of us in the aviation biz, it is especially fun.

Speaking of turkey necks, there's Harrison Ford on the red carpet. Meow.
Yikes Paul McCartney talks and looks like he's a hundred years old. scary.

Look No Further!

(Alternative title: You the reader thinks: I had no idea she was this dumb.)

Do you want to read about the biggest nitwit in the world??? You've come to the right place!!!

About 5 years ago, I got a cellphone. It was only for emergencies, driving on the highway, etc. 99% of the time, it sits on the shelf. I never have it with me. I basically never bothered to figure out how it works. I buy cards when I need to put some minutes on it, which ain't often.

At Xmas, I told my family I was thinking of upgrading at long last, for two reasons: 1) I can't text from this phone and it is time to join the texting world, and 2) my 5-year old phone is embarrassingly old and primitive looking.

Yesterday, I'm examining the phone to try to understand how it works...after 5 years. I find the missed call log, and I am deleting calls from last summer. I see one of the calls is from Bell, and it is a missed text message.

I press the button and, shazam, there's a text message on the screen. I've had texting all along and didn't know. How dumb is that? So I asked a friend to text me when she got home (after we saw Mr. Clooney). And, voila, there was her text.

I tried to respond but ended up calling her by accident. So I haven't figure out how to send a text yet, but I may attempt that today. But what's the hurry, I'm already 5 years late.

Update: I sent 3 text messages today. I'm a 21st century gal.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Saturday afternoon at the movies

Since real-life males are proving to be disappointing, I have decided to spend tomorrow afternoon with Mr. Clooney. So there.

I've already been warned against excessive drooling.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

His days are numbered

It's almost a week since our "date" and I have not heard back from the Big Bosnian. Let the countdown commence.

3 (today)
2 (tomorrow)
1 (Saturday)
TOAST (Sunday).

That's the cut-off. Fortunately, I have a purring Persian waiting in the wings (and for a change I don't mean a cat!)


At least the Canadians can get out

I have long argued that Pakistan is the worst place on earth, the asshole of the world. I was wrong. I stand corrected.

It's Haiti.

The governments have traditionally been evil and Mother Nature hates them. What did they do to deserve this?

The world is not a level playing field.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Up, up and away

The city budget is out, and quelle surprise, my municipal taxes are going up about 4%.

Well, how can I complain? All the services provided by the city are SO MUCH BETTER. Right?

I said, am I right?

(Cue the lonely crickets in the still of the night)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Crunch, munch

On the bus tonight, I sat across from a teenager who was enjoying, and I mean enjoying, a bag of Doritos.

For 15 minutes, the intoxicating nacho cheese flavour filled my nostrils.

It was like Satan himself decided I should fail at Resolution No. 7.

EVIL, I tells ya.

Resolution No. 9

I've brought my lunch for the second day in a row.

This makes up for the fact that I was delinquent during the first work week of the year.

I'm now on track for keeping my Resolution. I am so great.

Romantic Male Box - Update

Remember the guy I was supposed to meet 2 weeks ago at Tim's, the one whose car wouldn't start in the cold?

Well, I got an email last night. A supplicating email. He's so sorry he's been so busy, etc., etc.

I'll be nice when I respond, but the message will be "you snooze, you lose".
Miss Too Too Popular of the North

Monday, January 11, 2010

Coo Coo Ka Choo, Mrs. Robinson

In case you are wondering, I'm luvin' the Northern Ireland sex scandal. Yeah, baby.

She was 60, he was 19.

Three words: You go, girl.

Aunt o' the week

Today is the 80th birthday of my auntie who lives in Calgary.

I asked her if she had any special plans. She said not really, but she would definitely mark the day with a Crown Royal.

Don Draper would approve. Carry on.


Ok. So Alec Baldwin is:
a) fat
b) hairy.

Is this worth the price of admission? I dunno, to each his or her own. But I can imagine a certain someone buying the DVD and re-running two or three short scenes over and over and over.

The cinema was packed, but I did not overhear any moans of pleasure from the back row so I assume there wasn't anybody I know in attendance.

I cannot get over how fat Alec is.

In New Year's news, I brought my lunch from home today, so Resolution No. 9 is covered for this week. I am so great.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Tip o' the week

Today at IGA, overheard this conversation between two young male clerks who were stocking shelves:

Dude 1: Hey, wanna hear about a new drink?
Dude 2: What?
Dude 1: A new drink. Canadian Club and ginger ale.
Dude 2: Oh yeah?
Dude 1: Yeah. It goes down like ginger ale and it really fucks you up.

I don't know what is funnier that it fucks you up or that Canadian Club and ginger ale is "new".

Don Draper would approve. Carry on.

I Slept! I Slept!

I slept from 11:00 until 7:00 without once waking up during the night! It's time to sing from the rafters:

Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah!
For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth!
Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah!

(Handel must've been an insomniac.)

P.S. I made a hilarious typo that I should've left in (but being an "editor" I had to correct). I had written the Lord Gord. If I was thanking the Lord Gord, I would've sung the Canadian Railway Trilogy.

Saturday, January 09, 2010


Very successful date with the Big Bosnian last night.
Very successful date with Nickname Pending last Sunday.

One week, two great guys.

What would Angelina do?

(I'm still waiting to wake up from this great dream.)

Friday, January 08, 2010

Joseph and his head, reunited and it feels so good

Ta da. There ya go, Joe. Back in one piece.
Now he looks like he's wearing a black velvet choker from the 60's, like Melanie.
Let's all sing: I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key.

For anyone who cares to know, this figurine was purchased in the 1950's and was made in Italy. Stuff like this just doesn't exist anymore. It's practically a Bellini. Well maybe not.

The Big Red One is in a sulk today because he has nobody to decapitate. He's asleep and no doubt dreaming of next December. Kill! Kill!

Slept a little

Managed to sleep from 1:00 until 7:00. I feel a bit recovered, but my eyes still look something like the Grinch's heart, two sizes too small.

An afternoon nap is on the menu.

This morning I have to finish packing away the Xmas tree and decorations. Joseph's head still needs to be glued back on, and Mary is still MIA after 4 days. I can't find her anywhere.

My search for the missing BVM has led me to realize that also on the agenda for this morning is vacuuming under every piece of furniture. It's not decluttering per se, but it's enough housecleaning to qualify for a good deed under Resolution No. 8.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Wide Awake

Had dinner with a couple of the girls last night. To finish the meal, two of us ordered decafs since we cannot sleep if we have regular. We drank our coffees.

At 1:00 a.m., I started to suspect those weren't decafs.

At 3:05 a.m., I was pretty well sure those weren't decafs.

When the alarm went off, I was in a daze. I came to work. My colleague comes into my office and says "I didn't sleep AT ALL last night. I'm exhausted. I'm sure those weren't decafs."

I had already had insomnia Sunday and Monday. So I've slept one night out of four this week.

I'm taking tomorrow off work. I have a "date" with a Large Bosnian tomorrow night. I need all of Friday to sleep, lest I look even worse than I feel, and I feel pretty darn bad.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Not busy right now

I'll share a little anecdote since I am between tasks now.

On Sunday afternoon, when I arrived at Nickname Pending's place, he had put on some music. I didn't really notice what it was, a mix of some kind. We were sitting on the couch, chatting, and then You've Got A Friend, by James Taylor, a.k.a. the Voice of a Slow Painful Death, came on.

(Important detail: Nickname Pending is a bit younger* than me.)

After a minute, I stopped and asked: Do you really listen to this? He looked worried and said in a meek voice: I thought you'd like it.

Anyone who knows me can just imagine my face at that moment.

In a flash, NP was off the couch and at his computer looking for a new mix. He sat back on the couch, the Beastie Boys came on. And all was well.

P.S. This morning, lying awake listening to CBC before dragging my carcass out of bed, You've Got a Friend came on. That dreadful song is going to haunt me all week.

*Okay, fine, quite a bit younger.

I confess

I confess I have been delinquent in reading Mr. Chris Kelly's columns. So I'm catching up over lunch at my desk.

The line: "he understands the Bible like a turtle humping a shoe" made me LOL. Literally.

It was like in a movie. I went HAW! and then slapped my hand over my mouth. Why do we do this? Do we think we can stuff the laugh back in? It escaped and loudly. No turning back.

Chris appears to know everything about Mary, the mother of Jesus. Any questions on the nomenclature of the BVM? He's your man.

Important Memo to JAW Fan

On Saturday I shall be seeing the Meryl Streep/Alec Baldwin comedy.

Please advise if I need to report back only on how many juicy flank shots there are, or whether you require a thorough evaluation of all incidents of exposed Baldwin skin.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

The Second Coming

You know there is all that talk about the world ending in 2012, Nostradamus and the Aztecs and all that ooga booga shit.

It's wrong. The world is ending in 2010. The universe has spun onto its head, and nothing is as it was. I'm taking to quoting Yeats, the centre cannot hold. et cetera.

I'm now facing the prospect of having 2 boyfriends. In 49 effing years on planet Earth this has never happened. My sister says it's like an Archie comic, and I'm dating at Riverdale High.

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.

Nickname Pending has informed from under the pile of papers on his desk, that the first available day where he can escape his overworked, stressed-out job is a day just for us.

Meanwhile, the Big Bosnian with whom I saw the John Woo movie last month, has resurfaced with a supplicating email. We must meet for coffee and there I will tell him if I want him. He hopes so.

"The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned; "

Wow, I'd forgotten how much I love this poem.

Monday, January 04, 2010


I hate Georgia. I hate idiots who live in the state of Georgia*. I hate idiot southern racists. I hate, I hate, I hate.

I hope that whoever did this effigy thing drops dead. I'm so digusted by this.

Sick fucks.

*Greg, if you're reading, this is obviously not you, but of course you know that.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Resolution No. 3, Part Deux

Pigs are flying.
Hell has frozen over solid.

I had 2, count 'em, 2 dates this weekend. Thank you, craigslist.

Craigslist is indeed full of pervs, creeps, nakeds, speedos and general weirdos (i.e. friends of Mitch D. fer instance) but with a decent bull**** detector and some patience, it is possible to uncover a few decent men.

Today I met another, Nickname Pending, and he was a doll. But the polar opposite of the gentleman last night. They had only one thing in common: Both of them helped me put on my coat. Last night, it was clear this was Standard Operating Procedure for the nice older man. Today, when Nickname Pending, helped me with my coat he said "I saw this in a movie once". I'm such a pushover for goofy guys with funny lines.

Resolution No. 3

Survived my movie date tonight. A very nice man, older than me, with a voice like a South Asian James Earl Jones.

I don't plan to see him again, but when we parted he said: "We WILL see each other again". I just couldn't say "we'll see" in my meek little doofus voice.

A Single Man is a terrific movie. Really stylish, and Julianne Moore is terrific. It has one of the most hilarious attempted suicide scenes ever. That's saying something.

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Inglourious Basterd Cat

The Big Red One went medieval on the manger this morning. Joseph got more than scalped.

Being a traditionalist, I usually try to keep the tree up until Epiphany, but that's looking unlikely at the moment.

Friday, January 01, 2010

I Resolve -- 2010 edition

Happy Snowy New Year's Day to all, unless it's sunny and hot where you are, and probably already January 2 by now. In that case, I am a day late, but the sentiment remains the same.

I have compiled my very serious list of Resolutions for this brand new year.

1. Stop adopting other people's cats.
2. Buy new glasses.
(I did this yesterday. Hurray for me. I can cross it off the list. 2010 is already a roaring success.)
3. Go on dates. (Again success. I have a movie date scheduled for tomorrow. But will I be pre-emptively dumped once again? Who knows?)
4. Convince my boss to retire so I can apply for and get her job. (This will NEVER happen but a girl can dream.)
5. Stop procrastinating. (About what? About everthing!)*
6. Become Machiavellian at work. (See 4. above.)

and now the usual suspects:
7. Lose 15 pounds.
8. Declutter the house.
9. Bring a lunch once a week.

and finally I am reviving this one which first appeared in 2007. I need it.
10. Be more mirthful.

*No. 5 is a direct result of the satisfaction gained from having accomplished No. 2. I originally got my prescription for my new lenses in December 2008. When I went back to the eye doctor in December 2009, I had to confess that I never got around to filling the script. The eye doctor shook his head, and I swore to him than when he saw me next December, I would be wearing my new glasses. I even vowed to buy them by the end of the month. Which I managed to accomplish on December 31. And, yeah, it felt good to finally get something done. So that is why No. 5 is on the list.