Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Important NaPoMo announcement

As blogmistress I have decided to extend NaPoMo until May 7.

The reason for this is that Ms Mushrooms (a poet) (a real one) is vying for a "prize" in her province, and as part of the competition, she will be giving a public reading on May 7. This is a real, actual prize, awarded at a "gala" where she has to dress up and wear make-up and eat little bits of shrimp on a cracker. I do not remember the date of the gala, but I may need to further extend NaPoMo. We shall see.

So in support of her efforts to win an actual poetry prize (It has a really serious name, this prize. Something like the Rufus T. Firefly* Memorial Award), I feel it is our duty to keep rhymin' until her public reading on May 7. She needs the inspiration!

Rhyme on! Rhyme on!

*Name has been changed to protect the innocent.

Work-related sigh

My esteemed employer was on the French-language national news last night.

A little story about corruption, favouritism, dozens of unnecessary business trips, cars and chauffeurs and a $2 million deficit in one department alone. A department run by a former colleague of Mr. Anonymous.

We peons have known for so long how corrupt this place is, it was kind of refreshing to see it on display in a public forum. They had even acquired copies of the dirty rat's travel expenses. Sweet. Will anything change here? No. Nothing ever changes.

When it comes time to recover that $2 million in the next budget, whose jobs do you think they are going to cut? The higher-ups? No way. They'll fire people who deliver mail and work on the printing presses. You can bet on that.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Flu Again

I'm trying, in the spirit of JAW Fan and his epic, gargantuan NaPoMo effort of this a.m., to ignore the swine flu, but it is difficult when the first message in my in-box today is from Human Resources and it is called: Recommended guidelines in preparation for a potential swine influenza pandemic.


Monday, April 27, 2009

I'm getting flu obsessed

I've just been reading up on this nu flu on a medical website. Earlier today, I was indifferent, and even irritated by the scare mongering. Now? I think we are all screwed. Totally fucked.

The comparisons to the 1918 Spanish flu are creepy. For example, in 1918, 2.5% of all cases resulted in death. So far, in Mexico, the rate is already 6%. That's a lot.

The 1918 pandemic took the form of three waves, the first of which caused only mild disease and relatively few deaths. That sounds like today in the US. By the third wave, people were incredibly sick and dying by the hundreds.

I haven't had a flu of any kind in a long, long time, but I do remember it well enough to know, that even if I don't die, I may want to. I really hope Human Resources issues a notice that we all have to stay home for the next two or three weeks. For our own protection.

And don't cough on me, fellow public transit users!

My prediction for the biggest headline of 2009: Susan Boyle gets swine flu.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Miserable Swine(flu)

Wow, are the media having their collective vapours about swine flu or what? And, frankly, with all the rest of the troubles in the USA right now, does Obama really need to be facing pandemic-related mass lunacy? Just relax, people. Chill.

I'm feeling smug because since the beginning of the year, when I started my New Year's Diet (yes, it's going positively crap, thanks for asking), I don't think I've eaten bacon more than 3 times, so I figure I'm immune from the Porky flu. They haven't "officially" announced it yet, but I'm sure it has something to do with eating too much bacon. Really. Also, I've been with a Muslim, so there's another layer of immunity against all pig-related illness. I'm confident of that.

Wasn't it Samuel L. Jackson who said: I don't dig on swine. Of course, he also "quoted" scripture in a pretty end-of-days-whupass way in that movie. So, maybe it was a sign.

On a positive note, swine has plenty o' rhymin' potential. So it's good to see this panic happenin' in the closing days of NaPoMo.

On the other hand, I'm supposed to work late this Friday evening and possibly Saturday morning as well. If everyone is going to be dead in a month anyway, why should I bother? Pandemics just give me so many things to worry about.

Also never forget. Every time someone is given a dose of Tamiflu, Donald Rumsfeld makes money. Skip the Tamiflu, wear a mask. Don't eaten bacon and find yourself a Muslim for extra protection.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Celebrity Death News

This had to happen on a weekend when JAW Fan is not on line to contribute a poetic eulogy.

Bea Arthur. I can't believe she was 86. I don't know why this surprises me so much. I would've guessed mid-70s.

It's Spring, Baby

What a fantastic morning (here in Central Canada, ahem, maybe not all over Canada?). Is this a sign of how great a season we are going to have?

Normally, in my sad little front yard, I see one crocus. Each year, I see one crocus one morning on my way to work, and when I get home from work, the squirrel has eaten it. No more crocus. But this week, on Thursday, I saw that not one, but FOUR, croci were in bloom. I took a moment to observe and absorb them, as I figured the squirrel was sharpening his knife against his fork and adjusting his bib, perhaps setting a candle on the table to decorate his checkered tablecloth. But, surprise, when I got home on Thursday, all four croci were still there.

And this morning. A FIFTH. I now have five bloomin' croci on my lawn. This is a first in 10 years.

Is the squirrel on a diet? Needs to lose his tummy bulge or muffin top? Or just lost his taste for crocus? I'll never know.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Random Encounter

I was waiting for the bus, alone at the stop. An old woman in a strangely wealthy-looking coat comes walking along. She stops to talk to me. She has a heavy accent. She talks about the weather, about how it is still cold. I agree that yes it is, despite the nice sun, it is indeed still cool.

I’m from Poland, she says. There we have four distinct seasons, not like here, where you don’t know when the season will change. I see, says I. My family was originally from Russia she says. I nod.

And then, I don’t know exactly how things went off the rails, but she is telling me that Russians are smart honest people. Her family knew someone whose ancestor knew the Czar. (I nod.) And they were smart. They hid their beautiful things so the Nazis couldn’t steal their stuff. Hitler and the Nazis they tried to steal everything, but they hid their treasures from Hitler.

Then she says: I see your bus is coming. True. It was. I will bid you good-bye. I said: Have a pleasant evening. And she shuffled away.

I predict I will dream about Nazi looters tonight. Or the Czar.

Thursday at-work Poem

Oh boo hoo
I am in woe
I have so little time
For NaPoMo

In cyber world
It is a sin
When the real world
Butts in

No time to tell
The funny news
About Kumar vs cats
(A war he will lose)

So lest you think
I am a slug
I’m drowning in real work
Glug glug glug

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Great Moments in Canadiens Hockey Fandom Idiocy

I'm walking home tonight with my bag of groceries, and there's a guy behind me talking on his cell. I live on a quiet street and he's not far behind so he is coming in loud and clear for me.

This is as close to a verbatim as I can manage:

"Ya know, they just have to make it back to Boston and then they'll win the series. My theory is they just have to worry about the next two games. They win those and Boston will be down and out. And then they'll take the series!"

I resisted turning around to get a close-up look at the quintessential deluded Canadiens nut. But as I walked towards my house, I got a look. He appeared normal.

You never can tell.

I return

I'm back at work and back to the blog. It seems like there are a million things in the news, but I don't feel like writing about any of them.

I did see that Time magazine's cover story this week is: The New Frugality. I expected to see my face splashed across the page, but no, they ignored me. Maybe because I'm Miss Old Frugality and not Miss New Frugality. Oh well.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Spring Break

I am taking two days of out-of-the-office software training, so JAW Fan gets an extra long break from NaPoMo-ing.

This doesn't mean he can't write a poem if he feels like it. I would hate to learn that all those rhymes have backed up causing brain flooding.

And when a quickie inspiration is needed for a NaPo there's always Alec Baldwin.

Friday, April 17, 2009

My two musical cents worth

I’ve been thinking about the whole Susan Boyle phenomenon for a couple of days now. She certainly has a lovely clear-as-a-bell voice. That’s for sure.

It’s nice to see a talent recognized and hopefully rewarded. She’s probably going to make a pile of money from a CD. Simon Cowell will make more than she will, I’m sure, but that is his talent.

I just can’t get passed the audience reaction. A standing ovation throughout. Why? Because, wow, she can sing but she isn’t beautiful. Therefore we must stand-up and scream hysterically about it. Huh? If she had been conventionally attractive, nobody would’ve stood up. What does that say about the audience, other than the obvious? i.e. that they are narrow-minded morons. Where does this social conditioning come from? How long has it been the rule that a good singer can only be beautiful? I guess this is the reality show standard.

Also, this self-congratulation that so many people seem to have on being so open-minded that they acknowledge her gift, despite her appearance. How generous. How can people be so proud of a reaction they should be ashamed of? The dang world's turned upside down.

Maybe it’s because I come from the world of Celine Dion and Ginette Reno and (gulp) Patsy Gallant, but we’ve always known that you don’t have to be conventionally attractive to have a singing career. You just need opportunity, good management and good publicity. And catchy tunes.

And stop picking on Susan about her eyebrows! As a lifelong, proud sporter of thick, unplucked brows, I say at last our time has come. She will lead us out of obscurity. At least for 15 minutes.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Mel II

I may turn this into the Mel Gibson News Desk. I think Mel's divorce is going to be so interesting.

Mel is now "seriously" dating a 24-year-old Russian pop tart. Mel is 53.

Oh Mel. You are already likely to lose $450 million in your divorce, and now this? How many more times do you want to get taken to the cleaners?

What a dip.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Radio days

I was alone in the gym after work so I decided to masochistically (sp?) subject myself to 97.7, the spirit of rock. I was wondering how long it might take until I heard a song from our high school years. Answer: Not long.

First song. Any guesses?

1. Angie
2. Who are you?

I was back in Grade 11. Where's Mr. Gosnell?

Then I was given a break. They played Let It Ride by BTO. Yeh! Still the rockin'est tune ever. Yo, BTO.
Followed by....any guesses?

Frampton Comes Alive.

It really is astounding how this station has not changed its playlist in 30 years. But I ended my time on a high note: Magic Carpet Ride. Whoo hoo.

Cute alert!

It will come as a surprise to nobody at all that I think the Obamas' new dog is adorable.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Mel and other domestic issues

Mel Gibson's wife has filed for divorce. This will be the Hollywood $$$$$$ story of the Century.

But wait. Isn't Mel one of those Xtreme Catholics? The ones who think every Pope since Vatican II is going straight to hell for not being Catholicky enough? So how can he agree to be divorced? Won't he go to hell and have to share hell space with John XXIII?

If someone wants to divorce you and you don't want to be divorced, can't you just disagree to the divorce? I know someone right now who has been left hanging by his not-quite-ex wife. She is supposed to pay him a big settlement (or so we have heard) and she just keeps putting off signing the final papers, which is keeping him poor and sponging off his new girlfriend. (I'm with the soon-or-maybe-not-so-soon-to-be-ex wife on this one. She should leave him stewing for another 2 or 3 years. heh heh.)

In Mel's case, I think it would be a LOT cheaper for him to stay married. And he would guarantee his going to heaven too.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Oh Great, just Great

Now what am I supposed to buy for all my relatives at Easter? Eh? What?

CHICAGO - Walgreens has pulled a Barack Obama version of the Chia Pet from its stores, and the decision leaves about 200,000 of the pottery plant kits in a West Side Chicago warehouse. The Deerfield-headquartered drugstore chain made the move Friday after getting a few complaints about the item since the product's April 1 launch, a spokeswoman said. (CBS)

Click to see the thing. Cooool.

It's Friday! no, it's Thursday

But it's the last day of the work week and it feels like Friday. This is so confusing for someone my age. I'm disorientated.

And my boss took the day off, so I am also unmotivated.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Pre-Easter Resurrection

Yesterday, I was hanging around the office with an hour to kill, so I visited the Romantic Mailbox Website and searched the environs for possible prospects.

Surprisingly enough, I found 3 or 4 non-Neanderthals who:

a) didn’t have yawn-inducing profiles along the lines of “I love long walks on the beach” and “candlelit dinners”;

b) didn’t say they embraced the polyamorous lifestyle because they could “love” more than one woman at a time (I did read one loser who said this, tho.); and

c) didn't have screen names like HornyJoe or BenDover (stay classy, lads!).

And there was one gem who listed both The Pogues and Fugazi among his favourite bands. Be still my heart.

Does the fact that I am reading these profiles agreeably mean that I am finally ready to do the Kumar Dump? At long last? If House can get rid of his Kumar, maybe I can get rid of mine. (Enter devil on shoulder who says: But he's so cute. Give him another few weeks...)

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Ode to a Dead TV Character

O Kutner thou art dead
Shot yourself in the head

Last night I was hating
The producer of House
(Who I thought was a louse)

And I had to ask why
Kill off the Indian guy?

But now I get it
(I checked CNN)

Why be sixth string on a network drama?
When you can go to the White House
And work for Obama?

This Kumar has retired
He didn’t get fired
He gave up the t.v. bucks
To work in political muck

But to walk away is not absurd
For a South Asian political nerd

They love their politics these dudes
They like power and have attitude
But my Kumar will not become a pol
Because he hates Harpo, our PM troll


My new most-hated, detested and creeped-out-by commercial is the one for Axe with the guy made out of chocolate. How does this creepy gross thing help sell deodorant?

I change the station whenever it is on because I literally can't look at it. Blech.

All this being said, it's got a kind of cool song in it, tho. But I can't listen to it. Because I've changed the station.

Monday, April 06, 2009

A Poem

Rain rain
go away
Come again
another day

or week
or month

just stop raining already*

*I have fallen into free verse.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

I forgot

A new month, and I was so distracted by NaPoMo and the Resurrection of the Kumar, I forgot to report on my New Year’s Resolution progression.

1. Declutter = denuthin’ happenin’ yet
2. Packing a lunch. Still holdin’ steady on this one. At least once a week, usually 2 or 3 times per week. Am I getting richer as a result? Hard to say. I’m not getting thinner that’s for sure.
3. Diet? See No. 2 above. Staying the same, which in my book can be counted as a small victory.

Not Resolution-related but I did finally get an Opus card this month. I have joined the modern age of Montreal public transit. So far no problems. The light goes green when I swipe the card, no unpleasant beeps or flashing red rejection.

Hold 'em, fold 'em, etc

JAW Fan's latest poem has given me a perfect opportunity to segue to Dostoyevsky. (Let's call him FD 'cause I'm not typing that name twice.)

I'm currently reading The Gambler by FD. I'm thoroughly enjoying it. I thought FD was going to be a bleak, dour Russian, but this book is a hoot. I've just finished a chapter where the eccentric, loony old Grandmother, who everyone is hoping will die because they are desperately broke and need the inheritance, has shown up at the resort and quickly proceeded to blow 15,000 roubles at the roulette table. First she won (old familiar story) and then she started losing and losing it all. By...betting on red!

So betting on red does not always double your fortune. Just ask Grandmother.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Wealth Distribution

We received a notice today of our annual cost-of-living raise.

I shall be receiving an entire 0.57% raise, effective today.

I know, I know. It's better than a pay cut or getting fired. I do appreciate that.

NaPoMo Cancelled

I'm sorry to advise that due to circumstances beyond my control there will not be any National Poetry Month blogging on this site.


Let the rhymin' begin!