Friday, July 31, 2009

New camera = you guessed it

Glamour pusses. Mr. D. is an accommodating subject, but Le Grand Orange is "star" material. A born poseur.

And Congratulations to the Mushrooms family on the feline addition to their family.

Nuthin' is like it used to be

I am, at this moment, eating Smarties.

This is the first time I have eaten Smarties since they got rid of the green, brown and blue ones which were apparently going to maim and kill us all slowly and painfully.

It's a bit strange to see only yellow, red, orange, purple and black ones. Are the black really black or just dark brown? I'm not sure. There's an overabundance of pink, though, that's for sure.

The first time they changed Smarties, when they added the blue ones, I thought: I'm not sure that I agree with this. It affected my sense of Smartie authenticity.

And, now, with the green ones completely gone, I am again left adrift by the changing Smarties. Never realized til now how much the green ones appealed to me.

Adrift, I say.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Mental health break

Speaking of summer and "air conditioning" and action photography, the most amusing/interesting photos I've seen on-line in a while are of the US swimmer whose bathing suit ripped right up the back when he plunged into the water. heh heh. Fortunately, being an athlete, he's got a backside not to be embarrassed about. Imagine if this had happened to Alec Baldwin! I fear it wouldn't be such a nice sight:

All's well

I picked up my new t.v. at the friggin' post office last night. How weird to step up to the counter to collect a package and have it be a 50-lb box. Oh well. I got the darn thing home. And all this without getting wet. The rain started 30 minutes after my box-lugging ordeal.

Did I mention how humid it was last night. Not fun.

Now to get the darn thing installed. Fortunately my nephew will be around this weekend. Should I have trouble with the new t.v. I figure a kid his age can hook it up no problemo. But I hope not to need his assistance. On verra.

I also got my new camera. I have finally entered the digital world. yippee. So be prepared to see a number of action photos of fat cats. "Action" being lying in the grass. I need to practice my artistic "skills".

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Summertime, summertime, sum, sum, summertime

Summer is finally here. Now I can bitch, bitch, bitch about the freakin' humidity.

I'm happy.

Let the complaining commence.

Summer television is lousy

I tried to watch the fat people dating show that premiered last night. I figured I needed some mindless summer t.v. watching (not that I have a new t.v. yet!, she muttered).

Why do people watch these shows? This is the first one I’ve seen, and I couldn’t make it all the way through. Is there really that big an audience for cheesy romance? It’s weird and uncomfortable.

Question: am I just really old? When did it become acceptable to say “I’m a great person”. If you have to keep saying “I’m a wonderful person” then maybe you aren’t so wonderful. Is this what the self-esteem movement of the past 20 years has wrought? “I’m really wonderful. I’m a catch”. Oh Ms Stewart Smalley, shut up.

The Fatchelor seems like a nice guy, but the women are so needy and pathetic. (Note to self: Duh, it’s dating show!) How can every single one of them feel “a connection” in the first 2 seconds? Lame.

And as a fat girl myself, I have to say that fat girls shouldn’t wear short skirts. Really. I don’t show off my fat potato-stomper legs, and neither should you.

On Monday I failed at watching the people-dating-in-the-dark show, too. The women were okay, but one of the men was so annoying to me that I had to switch him off.

So my t.v. watching has been reduced to the Red Sox, who are thankfully on RSE a lot, and The Big Bang Theory. I noticed for the first time this week how much Jim Parsons has a Rowan Atkinson rubber face. They could play Bean & Son.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

My new t.v.

Last weekend I bought a new t.v. I bought it online (with free delivery!) so that I would not have to deal with lugging it home. The anticipated date of delivery was this Thursday. It is coming via Canada Post. I have a tracking number.

This morning when I checked, the package had been processed in Mississauga last night. I was expecting to perhaps stay home tomorrow in anticipation of an early delivery. Just now, I checked Canada Post’s website again as I am a compulsive tracking checker. It says the item is in Montreal and “out for delivery”. Shit! I’m not home!

Why are they being so efficient? I hope that with an item as big as a t.v. (26” Samsung*) they will make more than one attempt at delivery before forcing me to go to the post office and get that sucker back home on my own steam.

The last thing I want to do is complain that Canada Post’s service is too fast, but well, yeah, I may have to complain. What a dumb turn of events.

(*Had an argument with Kumar about the price. Long story. Perhaps in another post.)

Monday, July 27, 2009

This is summer?

Call me Noah. There was a thundercrack around 10 last night that made me jump out of my skin.

For a change it is sunny right now but it looks so windy the flags are ready to be torn from the flagpoles and the clouds are zipping by like they're in fast motion. Weird apocalyptic weather.

And I'm busy. At work. Too busy. It's not fun.

My vacation is the first 2 weeks of September. While I am looking forward to it, it also means that by the time vacation comes, summer is over. Wah!

Only 14 years to retirement...

Friday, July 24, 2009

Celebrity Death News - Canine Edition

The Taco Bell dog died.

This does not, however, constitute Celebrity Death No. 3 for this week, as the rules state that all celebrity deaths must be human deaths.

Don't ask to see the rule book. Just take my word for it.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Forecast says...

...more rain all weekend.

I think I'm getting depressed.

Thank god I've been told that God of Gamblers can be found on YouTube. If Chow Yun Fat tumblin' dice can't cheer me up, nothing can.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

O Brother Where Are Thou?

There’s not much in the news these days, i.e. no charlatan financial adviser has absconded with MY money, so I’ll share a couple of Kumar stories to pass the time.

(If you wondering where the Mushroomses have disappeared to, they are at a scenic lake in Saskatchewan for 2 “relaxing” weeks. Until they started going there, I didn’t realize Saskatchewan even had any scenic lakes. So much I don’t know about this Great Land of Ours.)

So, Kumar and I were discussing nuclear arsenals (not a euphemism). He was concerned about the eventual, inevitable deterioration of the facilities which store nuclear weapons around the world. This led to a discussion of mankind’s generally violent nature. I said that we can’t do anything about it. Since the first time a caveman hit another caveman over the head with a rock, humans have been violent. He stopped me right there and said: No, not cavemen. The first violent act by a human was Cain against Abel. Yes, of course it was. Those two brothers, they just slipped my mind.

In other news, he told me that recently he was shocked, shocked to learn that his younger brother has been hiding a “secret” girlfriend. She is an Anglophone (translation: white Canadian infidel). Kumar had NO IDEA his brother was seeing someone. (Does this run in the family, or what, I thought.) I love a family with secrets. Anyway, this has become an issue because Kid Brother is seriously thinking about marrying his infidelette, and he needs Big Brother’s support against The Parents, who apparently will be unhappy when they find out about this utter madness. (I'm picturing a lot of breast-beating and garment-rending.) So Kumar has offered KB his complete support to do what he wants with his life and marry who he wants. Film at 11.

Monday, July 20, 2009


What do you call it when one person, let’s call her N, was seeing another person K and then they agreed to stop seeing each other because N lives in the province of Q, but K lives in the province of O, in the city of T, which is 6 hours drive from the city of M, where N lives.

Also, K is sort of religious and creationist, and he follows I, but N is non-religious and is a lapsed RC, and this is a fundamental difference. But N and K really like each other. So after 2 months, K came back, but they agreed they were still not seeing each other, but then K came back again, and now neither N nor K knows whether they are seeing each other again, but they probably aren’t. But they still plan to see each other without officially “seeing each other”.

Is there a name for this situation?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Old Celeb Dies

Walter Cronkite was 92. He was old. When you've lost Cronkite, you've lost Middle America. I guess that particular sentiment doesn't really apply here, but it was a good line.

Does this round off any group of three celeb deaths? Or has it been long enough that he is the first in the next group of three?

I hereby declare Cronkite to be No. 1 on the latest list.

Who shall fill the No 2 and 3 positions? Any ideas? Who is looking sickly lately? Frank McCourt is on the verge. I guess he will be No. 2, unless somebody sneaks in ahead of him. That would be a newscaster, an author, and.... We need an actor, singer or politician to round out the group.

P.S. Holy mackerel. it's 3 hours later, and I just read that Frank McCourt is dead. I swear I didn't think he's was going to jump into the No. 2 spot that fast. RIP Mr. McCourt.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Guess What?

It's raining again! Wheeee!

I'm so glad I took a day off yesterday. I got a sunburn. What a treat.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Happy Bastille Day

(Other than the title, this post has nothing to do with France.)

In money matters....

Last Saturday, the lottery prize was about $22 million, and I won TEN dollars. I was so excited. So tomorrow I have to reinvest my winnings because the top prize is now up to $32 million. I was so thrilled with my TEN dollar prize that I can’t imagine winning more. $32 million buys a lot of Triscuits.

In other news, I was reading the G&M’s article about high-interest savings accounts, which are basically non-existent these days, unless you consider 1.6% to be high interest. But the thing that caught my eye is that one of the best rates is offered by Canadian Tire Bank. Excuse me? Canadian Tire has its own bank?

Am I the only person who didn’t know this? Canadian Tire is where I might go for a garden hose or a lawn chair, but Canadian Tire Bank? If I made a withdrawal would I get regular Bank of Canada money or would I get Canadian Tire money. And for years, Canadian Tire had Scrooge as its spokesman. Would I invest my money with Scrooge? Maybe he wouldn’t even let me make a withdrawal. He'd keep all my money and fondle it with his greedy little fingerless gloves. I don’t trust this bank at all.

Monday, July 13, 2009

le Deluge

Rain, rain, go away
You're destorying my plants
You effing rain.

On a brighter note: I've now gone a full week without chips! Bravo for me. I'm really clearing out those Triscuits, though. (I never claim to be perfect.)

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Talk about the weather

I went to the glorious city of my birth for a family do today. All morning the weather station was going booga booga booga, scaring me with their forecast. What a storm there’s going to be, they claimed. Be afraid, be afraid.

The day was sunny, and everything was hunky dory through our family reunion lunch hour. I headed for home with only a few drops falling. I drove and drove, and suddenly I was turning into JAW Fan. Stupid alarmist fools at the weather station, I grumbled. Trying to scare me. I hate you people, I said with a sneer. I was already planning on calling JAW Fan later to say, those annoying scaremongers at the weather station…how I hate them.

But then…approaching the Champlain Bridge, it hit. It was soooo bad. I could barely see the road. It was awful. It crossed my mind that I could be the subject of one of those oddity news stories: The woman who drowned in her car. People still talk about the guy who drowned in his car on Decarie a few years ago. I was sure I following in his wet foot steps. Glug, glug.

I got home and there was a bit of water on the basement floor, a sure sign of a heavy downfall.

Well, I survived. But it was not fun. Not fun at all.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

Caption this photo

Harper: So I stuck it in my pocket! (haw haw)
Merkel: Ha! Ha! Ha! (thinking: What a douchenozzle!)

Young woman next to Merkel: (thinking: Unfuckinbelievable.)

Young woman in front row: (thinking: How long can I keep this smile pasted on my face when I'm trapped between these two old pervs. help!)

Sarko: Whawn hawn hawn. I am so French.
Berlusconi: Guess where my hand is!! Hee hee.


Ok, let's tackle Stephen Harper and the Disappearing Host, shall we?

I say he pocketed it.

I watched the video. When one is given Communion, the Host goes from hand to mouth PDQ. Harpo kept fingering the thing, like he was at the roulette table in Vegas and it was his last chip.

If it don't go from hand to mouth is less than a second, it don't go to mouth at all.

It's in his jacket pocket, gathering lint, right now!

The PM's spokesman is paid to say was the PM tells him to say. So, yeah, having that stooge says Harpo ate the Host does not prove a thing.

I want Benny16 to take Harpo aside tomorrow, throw him into a confessional and say "Talk! Talk! Vee have vays of making you talk, you evangelical dumbo". If you don't want Communion, don't put your hands out. Sure Michaelle Jean stuck her hands out, but Michaelle ate raw seal heart! She takes everything in stride. Would Harpo eat raw seal heart? I think not. But then his jacket pocket would stink like crazy.

So, to summarize, the sky is blue, the grass is green and I still hate Harper. These are constants in life.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Never say never

I vowed I was not going to post anything about Michael Jackson's funeral. I avoided the whole story as best I could. But I just saw pictures of his kids. All three of them. And, wow, Blanket actually looks like him!

Blanket looks more like a girl than a boy. This being said, he's the only one of the kids who looks like his father. Could Blanket be the only one who is actually a biological offspring?

Cute kid.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

A-Triscuit, A-Trasket

Further to a discussion with JAW Fan (whose company makes those tasty Triscuit treats), I compared the total calorie count of a full bag of buffalo wing/blue cheese potato chips vs a full box of T's.

The box of Triscuits comes in at 1,000 calories, whereas the full bag of chips totals 1,750 calories.

So while T's are not quite a "diet food", they aren't as bad for me as chips.

All of this calculating is unfortunately delaying me in reporting on the only really important news of this day: Joyce DeWitt arrested for drunk driving!

No way to smoothly segue from Triscuit to DeWitt, I fear. However they do rhyme, so maybe a poem is hidden in here...

Monday, July 06, 2009

Sad announcment

I am, and not for the first time, giving up chips. Smokers, I do understand you. I have lived and will now live again the agony of chip withdrawal. Alcoholics, I get it. I now will start each day vowing that, today, I will not eat a chip. Or a Cheeto. I can only plan for one day at a time. I consider myself a charter member of CA.

Yesterday, Day One, I snacked on Triscuits. They are yummy, for what they are. But the idea of trying to convince (or fool) myself that a Triscuit is in any way, shape or form, a substitute for a potato chip (or a Cheeto) makes me more than a bit depressed. What’s next? Rice cakes? Probably. Eat rice cakes and wear a hair shirt.

Friday, July 03, 2009

In the news

I am shocked that Palin is resigning. There's got to be a money scandal roaring down the pipe, and she is trying to get out of the public eye quickly. Maybe she'll even get arrested. That would be nice.

The real question: will this shock story get CNN off the Michael Jackson thing for more than 5 minutes? I wouldn't count on it.

Minor celebrity death news

Argh. Too busy to blog today. But in the spirit of the times, I'll post this link to the truly strangest obituary I have read in a while. Raises a number of questions, the most common being WTF?

Should the link not work just go to the obits and look up Shi Pei Pu.

People should always have sex with the lights on.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Celebrity Death News

We have a No. 3 for the latest list.

Karl Malden.

He was ancient. I mean, he was. Really old. RIP.

Oh Canada!

Happy Canada Day, In this house a.k.a laundry-window washing-and-shrub-trimming day.

You realize 2009 is half over? How did that happen so fast? It scares me how quickly time zips by.

It's time for my mid-year Resolution Round-Up. How am I doing on my 2009 New Year's Resolutions?

1) Declutter the house. Am strongly considering pushing this one onto the 2010 New Year's List. Can I do anything in the decluttering dept in 2009? I have only 6 short months to get moving. So the short answer is: No. I will not achieve this in 2009. Dud.

2) Packing a lunch. Yay. I'm still doing this. I think I have missed only one week. I'm still only packing a lunch once or twice per week, but I've stuck with this one. Frankly, some of my packed "lunches" have been pretty lame, but I've not abandoned this one. Bravo for me. (Bows.)

3) Lose weight. Sigh. And sigh again. The scale she go up, she no go down. (Why is my weight loss problem being narrated by Chico Marx? No idea, boss.) I blame this entirely on Kumar. Two Kumarless months and I gained 5 pounds. All his fault. He is so thoughtless.