Wednesday, August 31, 2011

A-hoarding we will go, a-hoarding we will go

I watched HGTV's new hoarder show last night. It is not as scary as the American hoarder shows, which is a good thing because it is easier to identify with these people than with the American hoarders who are for the most part mentally ill.

The family on last night's show wasn't deranged, they just couldn't get rid of their stuff. Like me. I'm not THAT crazy, I just can't get rid of all my stuff.

But real life is more effective than t.v. for motivating me. On Monday I was over at the Tall Teacher's place to bid him adieu before he heads to the Nation's Capital. I've always considered his apartment to be very sparsely furnished (which I admired). As I entered the place, he said: "Don't judge me!!" So imagine my shock when I saw the sheer number of boxes in his small apt. "But, but", I sputtered, "you don't even own that much". How could he have all these boxes in his kitchen?

This really shook me up because I thought I'd have to multiply the boxes in his kitchen by about 1000 to estimate the amount of crap I own. And how much of it do I really need? A fraction; a small fraction.

File this under: Major Waker Upper.

Blog Update

I made a little update to the right-hand column. Maybe this will appease the IWOIB. Gulp!

FF Question of the Day

Fancy Feast's new employer has an office in Lachine. How long before I start hearing murmurings about a transfer?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Fancy Feast Report (subtitle: NO EXCEPTIONS)

This guy deserves his own blog. And maybe a Twitter feed because there is always something new and weird going on his life. I'm so boring compared to FF. What is my life missing, you ask? Shenanigans? Oddities? Weirdness? Call it what you will.

Since we last heard about FF, here is a rundown of what has happened in his life:

1. Started his new job. Wore a tie on the first day, discovered he was overdressed.
2. When to work today without a tie.
3. Got presented with a 2-page "renter agreement" (i.e. rant) from the friends he was crashing with. Choice exerpts below.
4. To escape current room-mates, answered an ad from people looking for a new room-mate.
5. Found new room-mates.
6. Borrowed money from his sister to pay Sept rent to new room-mates.
7. Is preparing to move out this evening.

Now about the "renter agreement", let's say it gives Sheldon and Leonard's room-mate agreement a run for its money. I'm just going to quote a few choice bits. Apparently the pot is a problem. And the sex. And co-habiting with dogs. FF refused to sign the agreement when they presented it, which is why he is moving out.

1. "Monday to Friday is work days which means early nights. Anyone coming over and staying over past 10:00 pm must be respectful of those who are sleeping and have to be up early for work. I will kick anyone out who is not being respectful of this rule.

Any sexual encounters must be in your own bedroom or in the shower. NO EXCEPTIONS. We are not ok with other people’s bodily liquids and it’s downright rude. Again be respectful of others who are around no one wants to hear your sexual encounters."

2."Follow the guide lines that have been set up for how we have trained our dogs and what we do with them. Yes they are not your dogs but... If you let them out you will have to deal with the consequence and responsibilities that come with the dogs. You will have to clean a dirty bum and will need to keep a watch full eye on them and you will have to take off the underwear for when the girls are in heat. It is part of co-existing with them and not being cruel. If they get out you will be held responsible for the consequences that happen outside or within the yard. This is a law that is held here in Calgary so be very carefully I cannot stress this how important that is. We would never forgive you if something happened to any of the dogs. Be very wise and responsible."

3. "No chemicals at ALL or anyone on chemicals in the house".

Thank goodness pot is a weed and not a chemical, is all I can say.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Happy B-Day

to BJB, biographer of pornographer.

I'm not sure but I suspect BJB is the only one amongst us who gets younger every year. How he do that?

After the storm

I lost power for 6 hours yesterday during the remnants of Irene. The power got knocked off really early around 11. It had barely started raining, but this is the price you pay when you live in the neighbourhood of tall, mature trees. The hydro lines come down with very little wind. Alas.

A whole Sunday without power is a long day. By 4:30 I was hankering for some hot food. So I had an idea, and here is the real tragedy. I called up Chalet, and they had NO delivery service. Shudder. They too had suffered power outages, so no delivery, but there would be take-out service if I wanted to wait. Chicken would be back on-line at 6:30.

Chalet! It saw us through the ice storm with flying colours, but yesterday was not so lucky. Oh well. My power came back on at 5:30 and I had pasta in a hurry in case I was in the dark again. But I wasn't.

Fin de Irene.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Hell Freezes Over

Fancy Feast has decided he's going to wear a tie in his new job. He wants to fit in and "dress the part".

I'm speechless.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Good news dept: Fancy Feast has a Job

Alberta, he's all yours.

Yes, he is soon to be gainfully employed. This is great news for me for two reasons: 1) I may start to see some of my "investment" come back to me in upcoming months and 2) I won't come home from work to the surprise of finding an Egyptian pothead anarchist on my front porch. It's all good.

Of course, being FF, he seems to have nearly talked himself out of the job during salary "negotiations". Permit me, through the miracle of "cut and paste" to have him tell his own story. The $25 in question is the hourly wage. Apologies for the quality of this excerpt. I have no idea why it won't paste correctly. grrr.

Okay, I got the job. They offered $25. :/

I started to talk back a bit...

Me:"$25? Really? How did they come up with that number?"

HR Rep: "Uhhh that's their rate....?"

Me: "They had asked me what my salary expectation was, and I told them I wanted $25 - $30, depending on how many of the requirements I met. Are they saying I didn't meet any requirements?"

HR Rep: "Uhmmm...."

Me: "Alright, you know what... it's fine. They offer annual raises, right?"

HR Rep: "Oh yeah, for sure, there will be raises"

Me: "Okay, it's fine then. I'll accept."

HR Rep: "Really? Okay great! I'll let them know!"

You know, I wasn't sure what I was thinking... But it didn't take long for me to realize that I'm arguing about a job offer and not going about it in a way that I'd get more money... So I shut up real quick. LOL -end cut and paste -

You know what's good about this? He realized he was screwing up and shut himself up. This is real progress.


Smoothie is in a panic. Next week is his parents' 40th wedding anniversary and he has to find a gift to give to his mother FROM his father.

Dad does not shop for gifts. Dad looks like Rasputin, and Dad up until yesterday had literally not left the house since June. He is a teacher and the last time he was out of the house was the last day of school. I know. It's very weird.

Anyway, so Smoothie has no clue what to get his mother. Apparently it has to be something nice because the mother apparently got a very nice gift for her husband. Mom of Smoothie is taking a trip later this year so I have so far suggested new luggage or a nice leather passport holder. Both were rejected. Then I suggested one of the digital photo frames loaded with family pictures. She got one last year; it is still in the box. Perfume? Nope, no go.

Now I have suggested that Rasputin get a shave and a haircut. If he were my husband, that would be the Bestest Gift Ever.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I'm wondering

Would there be public outpourings of grief if Harper kicked the bucket in 3 months or so?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sad Monday continues: RIP Blackie

The fate of Blackie was revealed to me tonight. He died, and you will not believe where. In the CPN's backyard.

They were away last week and their daughter was home alone. She came to tell me that she found Blackie curled up under some lawn furniture one evening last week. She thought he was sleeping so she left him alone but after a few hours she realized he was dead. The next morning she called the SPCA and they took him away.

I am sad, but so relieved to know that he died quietly in a safe spot and was not mauled by a raccoon or run over by a car. He had been disoriented a couple of times in the past two weeks, so I guess he was sick but didn't really show it. Now I can sleep at night and stop worrying about him.

Mr. Cool chillin' in the backyard, July 2011.

Sad New to Start the Week

Jack Layton died. Wow. That was so fast. I'm shocked. He was 61.

This is a reminder to all to enjoy life now. (Yes, this advice from a chronic malcontent and complainer. I do see the irony.) We all think we're going to have a nice long retirement. It doesn't always work that way.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The deepening mystery of Blackie, le disparu

There still aren't any lights on at the house of Blackie's real owners. Last night around 10:00, I walked over to case the joint. The lights were all out and the windows closed, but three of their cats were sitting on the front lawn. This means that although the people are away, they have left a back window open for kitties to come and go.

But no Blackie. So either they took him with them or they've got him in a room without access to the open window... Blackie, where are you? I wondered. I looked at the other cats but they just stared back at me. Useless kitties.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Don't Mess with the PMS Lady

I cut my grass tonight and since it had not been cut in ages, it was jungle land so I had lots of raking to do. I was finishing up by going to the north side of the house. I turned the corner from the back yard to the north side and there's a guy, standing next to my recycling bin, peeing. In my driveway. I saw his wang and everything!

Me: (startled) (yelling) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Peeing Guy: (startled) I'm so sorry. I have to pee.
Me: (still yelling) Get off my property!
PG: I'm really sorry, but I have to pee.
Me: (always yelling) I don't care. Get off my property!
PG: But, lady, I was going to pee in my pants!

Note that I am holding a rake in both hands the whole time and am now walking towards him.

Me: I don't give a shit! Get the hell off my property!
PG: I'm really sorry. I'll pay you. I'll give you money!
Me: I don't want money! I want you to get off my fucking property!
PG: But I have to finish!

At this point, I realize that this guy is not a trouble-maker or a vagrant, just a young guy who urgently had to pee and picked the wrong place. He seems more scared than I do at this point. I am now A Crazy Rake-Wielding PMS Head Case. As I walk back towards the back yard I say:

Me: I'll call the cops if I see you here again!
PG: Lady, I'm NEVER coming back here.

I go around the corner, but I can still hear him yelling:

PG: I'm really sorry.

This is so much funnier to me now than it was 2 hours ago. :D

Le Disparu

Blackie is AWOL. He was nowhere to be seen last night or this morning.

I had a sleepless night.

The most obvious explanation is that his real owners have taken him home. I suspect this may be the case because normally they keep all their windows open so their 5 or 6 kitties can come and go as they please, but this morning all the windows were shut. And there were no cats on their lawn.

Then again, maybe this is to keep the cops away. I don't know.

I has a sad for my disappeared Blackster. I hope nothing bad has happened to him.

Monday, August 15, 2011

The Blackie Dilemma

It appears that the "real owners" of Blackie the cat have sold their house. So I've been trying to decide whether to give up custody and let them take him back when they go. I figured it might be for the best, except that I learned on my return from TO last night that Blackie's "real" father had been arrested over the weekend. I know not what for.

Do I want to return Blackie to a disfunctional, indeed criminal, household? I don't know what to do.

I left him for two days outside without food, since he can't share the indoor territory with the others. I suspected he would be starving on my return. So I let him in the mud room right away where there was a bowl of dry food waiting. He looked at it with utter disdain. Really, pal? After two days with nothing, you are still turning up your nose at dry food? So I got him a can of moist shredded chicken. Spoiled brat.

Should he stay or should he go?

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Me and my nice shorts

This one is for JAW Fan.

Tall Teacher was looking at a picture I have of myself wearing my BEAUTIFUL patterned shorts from way back when. The shorts that JAW Fan loved so much.

I asked TT, what year do you think that is from? He looks and say "Based on the length of the shorts and the pattern, I'd say 1987". "You're very close," I said. He took a second look. "I'll revise and say 1985."

That picture was indeed taken in 1985. Uncanny 1980s fashion knowledge. I'm guessing it's because his oldest sister is the same age as me, so he may have been exposed to such fashion sense at a young age and remains scarred.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

A brief exchange

Talking to the Tall Teacher last night.

TT (excitedly): Lil Wayne's coming to the Bell Center.
Nanuk: And I'm supposed to care about this why?
TT: Fine. Lil Beethoven's coming to the Bell Center. Is that better?

Today in FF

I deposited Fancy Feast's cheque today. Que sera sera.

He has a job interview today in Calgary. With the competition. It's the big telecom whose advertisements have cute bunnies and lizards, etc. He should fit right in with those creatures.


The news is that Jackie Kennedy believed Lyndon Johnson paid Lee Harvey Oswald to off her husband.

I wish my father was alive to read this. He always believed that Johnson was behind the assassination. And, maybe just because I grew up hearing that, I've always believed it too.

So much for JFK's thinking that you keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. This is the ultimate FAIL of that theory.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Last Night at Place des Arts

It was an exciting night as Mr. Anon and Sister Anon got their thrill meeting Smoothie. He gets nervous meeting new people, and trying to make a good impression, and literally cannot stop talking. What can I say? It cannot be helped.

Within 5 minutes of meeting Sis Anon, Smoothie was pointing at the front of his pants and saying "Hey look at this". I was struck dumb, not knowing where this was heading. But it was just his proud display of his weight loss and adjusted belt notches. (!!!!) What a nut.

He later said, twice, that Sis Anon is "so cute" and seems likes "a very liberal woman". Take that as you may. (?!?!)

Anyway, I thought things were going okay with just Mr and Sis Anon but when the other fellow showed up, and Smoothie attempted to display his movie trivia knowledge, I knew this was a potential social disaster in the making, but he just would not shut up. Like many people his age, he thinks he knows a lot about movies, when frankly, he knows alot about movies in the past 20 years, and very little about anything else. So berating him in the theatre, I said this guy knows more than you ever will and you shouldn't really be challenging him. Then he said: "that guy's gay, right?" I said I was not aware of his status, but I believed it was "confused".

Thursday, August 04, 2011

Today's FF Dilemma

Loyal readers of the FF saga will recall that last month I advanced him some money ($435) that he was waiting to receive as a reimbursement of his pension plan contribution to Ma Bell. The contribution was expected to be in the form of a cheque and the agreement was that when he returned to Montreal he would deposit said cheque and give me my money back.

Well, the cheque arrived in the mail yesterday. The company withheld more than $60 in taxes etc. so it is for $372 only.

My question today is: when do I tell FF that I've received the money? Because we ALL know darn well that when he knows I've got the cheque he's going to want me to deposit it ASAP and he'll use it all up on pot, beer, olive oil and fresh dill.

But the cheque is of no use to me as it is made out to him, so is there a reason why I should sit on this news and not inform him? I could always tell him I've got the money and say I'm not depositing it until I see his chubby little face again, but what will that serve. I'll still be out $435 until he shows up.

Suggestions? I knew this situation would arise once the money showed up. Until he settles his account with me, I'm out $435 that I forwarded in good faith to him. Question is: how will he react? He has all the leverage here, is he smart enough to use it?

Another One Joins the 50 Club

I'm speaking, of course, of the President of the United States.

The Presidency has really aged him. He still looks great for an old guy of 50, but the past couple of years have made him greyer and greyer. And no wonder. What a shitty job he has.

Yes, you will walk alone

"Comedian Jerry Lewis is no longer serving as the Muscular Dystrophy Association’s national chairman and won’t be appearing on this year’s Labour Day telethon, the nonprofit agency announced Wednesday night. "

Complete this phrase: Labour Day weekend without Jerry is like.....

Tuesday, August 02, 2011


Summer is passing too fast, and I'm just not appreciating it.

It's not just me, right?

Monday, August 01, 2011

It's the Holidays!

Happy Ramadan everybody!

I've decided that attempting to stick to my low-carb diet will be my infidel version of fasting. But that doesn't mean I get to stuff my face with carbs after sundown.

At least I'll try not to. Evening carbs are the best carbs.


What is happening with seeing scary Lon Chaney next weekend?

I cannot reach Mr. Anon nor JAW Fan, and I have lost my address book so I can't reach Sister Anonymous either. Has everyone bought their tickets?

Smoothie has decided he wants to go so he will be picking up tickets for the two of us this afternoon. He can get more tickets if I hear from anyone.... helloooo out there!