Monday, September 29, 2008
I have a shiny green wheelbarrow that I'm going to put my useless dollars in when I go to buy a loaf of bread. Whee!
Fortunately, all the skyscrapers on Wall Street now have windows that can't be opened, so we don't have to watch those guys jumping out. That's a relief.
Thank you Globe & Mail for the following: A Chinese herbal remedy called horny goat weed is a promising alternative to Viagra for impotent men, Italian researchers said on Monday.
Leave it to the Italians to buy marijuana from aroused Chinese goats.
Majority movement gains speed as Harper's lead soars (Globe & Mail)
Harper's lead soars.
Somebody, awaken me from my bad dream. A Conservative majority. Yikes.
The dinosaur museums in Alberta will have to change all their signs. "These dinosaurs walked the Earth six thousand years ago, side by side with man, when God created the world in six days. And on the seventh he rested."
What am I saying? Museums? We won't have no stinkin' museums. Museums are for elitists who like "art" and stuff like that, and ordinary Canadians don't like art. So sayeth Steve-o.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
One was of a baby born weighing 33 pounds. The baby was unhealthy and died within minutes after birth. But the story is about the fact that thousands of people went to the parents' house to see the baby, and the parents had to hide him. Good God, mind your own business, people.
Second story involved a baby born with two heads last month. Again the child died, but in this case 150,000 people went to the town to see the baby. 150,000!
What is with these people? Leave these families alone. You think the trauma of this birth isn't bad enough but then they have their towns inundated with curious onlookers. Go home!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Why are columnists, etc., surprised by this?
I, personally, thought the debate was a draw. BO did not wipe the floor with the GOM as I expected him to, so I didn't think McCain was that bad. But apparently I am not pundit material because all the "experts" seem to think Obama won. So what do I know?
I do predict, though, that there will not be any VP debate. It's too much of a train wreck in the making.
It was great to see Crazy Joe Biden on NBC and CNN post-debate, blabbing away about how his man did. And then followed by No Sarah Palin. She must've been hidden away in an undisclosed location. So who did the Republicans throw out there to support their side? Effing creep of all creeps Giulani. I had to bathe after seeing him. Icky. Poo Poo Rudy.
He was the first celebrity I've ever saw in person. When I was 12 or 13, he came to beautiful downtown Valleyfield to participate in a car race that was held on our frozen bay.
I hated winter even then, but I still trudged down to the bay to try to see him in person. Which I did, and from quite close-up. Certainly close enough that when I got home I said to my parents "he really does have very blue eyes". They were very, very blue.
He was in a lot of cool movies. We should play pool in his honour today.
Friday, September 26, 2008
If I down a shot of scotch every time McCain mentions that he was a POW, I should be drunk in no time.
And assuming the Biden-Crazy Lady debate goes forward next Friday, I should be beside myself with anticipation by then. (Yes, I know we have our leaders' debate at the same time, but, well, the potential for live television disaster just isn't the same up here.)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
“I just got a pick-up offer from a verrrry cute Indian guy here in Montreal. Very cute indeed. Only problem is he's 27 years old. 2-7? Maybe I can ask him if his father is single...Got any photos of your dad, sonny? Too bad my niece already has a cute boyfriend. I'll reluctantly have to hit Delete again. My loss this time.”
Well, he has reappeared. And this time I figure why not meet him? It’s not like anything worthwhile has happened since July 8, right?
I asked him why he is not pursuing women his own age. He says he’s fed with them. Oh, those foolish, flighty young women!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I know I speak for humans everywhere when I say: I am so relieved. Thank goodness he is on top of the situation.
My money feels safer already.
Seeing how reassuring he always is in any crisis, I feel this would be a good time for a run on the bank. Mattress stuffing to follow.
Larry seemed unclear on one concept. If you are talking through an interpreter, you…don’t…have...to…talk…slow….Larry. The interpreter understands English. It’s not like the interpreter is going to say no comprendo in Persian.
Also, Ahmadinejad may not know who Sarah Palin is exactly, and what job she is running for, but he does know that going on Larry King means a softball interview. No wonder he’s becoming a regular.
Most nauseating thing I saw on the news this a.m. Palin kissing Henry (why isn't he dead yet?) Kissinger. You could tell the old war criminal was surprised and possibly thinking, hey I still got it.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
So I turned up the thermostat...and....pfft. She no work.
It's going to be a grrrreat Fall and Winter. I can feel it in my bones.
A couple in South Africa who were having sex on a railway track in Mpumalanga Province have been killed by a goods train, police say. (BBC)
My first thought: there are worse ways to die. For example, being killed by a speeding train while not having sex.
I don't have the quote from the paper on this one, but I read over the weekend about a guy in Alberta (Edmonton? Calgary?) who has been arrested for visiting Open Houses and then masturbating in the bedrooms. Perhaps unclear on the concept of the master bedroom?
A real fixer-upper! Needs TLC.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
A DFW quote:
Learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed.
You realize what kind of backlog of uncollided particles this is going to cause. They better have a hotline set up in Bangalore to answer all those calls from irate customers saying "where am I supposed to go now to get my particles collided?" gawd.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Two days before the US election: Palin's son who is in Iraq drunkenly slips on a bar of soap in the shower and cracks open his head, requiring a few stitches.
One day before the election: Major news stories everywhere about how the brave soldier was injured in an incident, but no details yet available.
Election day: Massive sympathy vote by True Patriots for the brave Mom of the brave wounded soldier.
Result: Idiots put McCain in the White House.
Now I have a yard full of goats I need to unload.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
What a way to run a world.
How do we determine what is worth handing over a paper with 100 written on it versus something that is only worth a piece of paper with 20 written on it.
Who invented this insanity?
At least in ancient times when coins were gold, they were gold. Gold is nice and shiny and tangible. You can touch it and it feels nice. And other people would like to have some too, so you can trade it for stuff. But paper with somebody's face on it? I don't get it. Bring back the Gold Standard!
Human beings are far too unstable and insane to be depended upon to handle this kind of abstract transaction. Yet we all do it. And we never question it. How do we determine worth? And how do we transfer our understanding of what a good or service is “worth” onto a piece of paper?
I won’t even begin to contemplate stocks and bonds. Something like $2 trillion has "disappeared" from the world economy this year. It is all about faith, isn't it? Is there anything else (maybe religion?) that can control every day of our lives, and we just accept that it can vanish.
And one is saying: "I can't place him."
The other: "You'd know him if you saw him. He was a team with his wife. I can't remember her name. He's really short."
First guy: "What was his name again?"
Second guy: "Jerry Stiller. He is so funny."
I resisted the urge to walk over and say Anne Meara. I almost did, though.
Oh well. I think the experience of going there and sitting in the hallowed halls is worth the money. Who knows? Maybe I'll do okay, and they'll offer me a job. Right.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Pretty soon, you're talking real money.
So, down in Pinko America, the government saved a major private insurance company by taking over while handing them a 2-year loan.
On the news they say, markets breathed a sigh of relief. It's only 2 years, people. How dumb is "the market"? What do they think is going to happen in the next 2 years? Planet Earth will win the inter-galactic 6/49 and all our money problems will be over.
Maybe I'm an overly long-term thinker, but a 2-year respite, to me, means start looking for another job. In 2 years, the company is going to need another loan.
AIG = Welfare queen.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
A colleague's back-of-the-napkin calculations showed that, on a level we can understand, the devaluation of their assets is the equivalent of my having $450 in my bank account, and going to the bank and discovering that all of it had evaporated except for 15 cents.
As one other colleague said: Hey, I'd be so pisssed off if that happened!
It's not much a stretch to go from that image to those 1920s Germans* buying a loaf of bread with a wheelbarrow full of cash.
(*or 2008 Zimbabweans)
We're freakin' doomed, aren't we?
Lucky citizens all over the island of Cuba will have an opportunity to laugh riotously at my attempts to haul my fat backside over their hillsides.
Hey, these folks have been through a lot this season, and they deserve some comic relief.
I haven't got the actual itinerary yet, but in addition to 7 hikes the trip includes a day or two in Havana. Yay.
Me gusto La Habana! arriba.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
What shocked me was, in the first 10 pages or so, suicide comes up again and again. I didn't remember that at all. It was spooky.
One of his points was that the endless pampering and comfort and forced enjoyment of a luxury cruise brings on a sense of despair.
But I was still laughing at the funny bits.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
South of Galveston, authorities said 67-year-old Ray Wilkinson was the only resident who didn't leave Surfside Beach, population 800. He was drunk and waving when authorities reached him on Saturday morning. "He kinda drank his way through the night," Mayor Larry Davison said. (Globe & Mail)
Friday, September 12, 2008
"Persons not heeding evacuation orders in single family one- or two-storey homes will face certain death."
Stop it. You're scaring me!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
That he said it while a guy promenaded around the meeting hall in a puffin costume just added to the "drama". I enjoyed it.
Of course, this will cost Newfoundland dearly if Devil in a Blue Sweater does get his majority, but at least it has been said. And the way things are looking now, the majority seems less likely to me. Fingers crossed.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
In real life, I'm against guns. But as these are fictional characters, I'm more than ready to line them all up against a rustic English stone wall and mow them down. I really hate this bunch of idiots.
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
The only thing that makes this newsworthy is that it was not Liam who attacked him.
If it had been Liam, the incident would've been called just a regular Sunday.
blue sweater, blue sweater,
Devil with a blue sweater on.
How I hate him.
And anyone who watched The National last night must've, like me, been wondering: when is he going to shake hands with that baby? For those missed it, there was Steve in his blue v-neck, breakfasting with an Asian family in BC. Would you let Steve spoon-feed your baby? How did they coerce these nice decent-looking people into letting Steve into their kitchen?
Meanwhile, there is Stephane yelling in French (the only language he can comfortably yell in) that Steve is a liar, liar, liar. Is anyone listening?
No Green Party allowed in the debate. But they have an MP! He's corrupt, but he's still theirs!
Monday, September 08, 2008
Mr. Anonymous tells me to buy a Mac. Apparently if I do this I will live forever in Happy Computer Heaven. I repeat: whatever.
What the true inconvenience is here is that it means I have to watch Mad Men at the office again this week. I did this after 5:00 p.m. one day last week and it seemed like a bad idea since Draper seemed to spend half the episode in bed with his latest (loud) moaning conquest. Not to mention a scene with burlesque dancers. I didn't want the cleaning lady walking in on me and my pseudo Draper softcore. Maybe the characters will be better behaved this week.
I can only see one good thing about the campaign so far. It has knocked the Crazy Lady from Alaska off our Canadian t.v.'s. Good.
Two bad things about the NDP: Jack has decided to give speeches that include the words "when I am Prime Minister" which sound delusional, and he has decided to embrace the Obama themes of "hope" and "change", which is embarrassing and unoriginal.
A Tory Majority must be avoided at all costs. Heck, I'd vote for the Bloc now if I thought it could keep Harper in his place. Uppity Westerner!
As usual, my vote will mean less than zero, as I remain in my 80%+ Liberal enclave. Some day, I'd like to have a vote that means something. Never in this neighbourhood.
Friday, September 05, 2008
But this morning I quickly flipped to CNN and ABC, and both networks were talking about....Sarah Palin's speech. This leads me to suspect that McC underwhelmed the crowd?
Whatever. Our campaign starts Monday, and the CBC was tearing into Harper last night about breaking his own election law. This could be fun.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
I still like Huckabee. I can’t help it. I like the guy. And it’s fair to say he is the one and only Repub that I like.
Romney is insane. Living in never, never land. Just bizarre. Giulani is so, so slimy, I felt like I needed a shower after listening to him. I didn’t listen or watch much. What a pig that guy is. All the scrubbing in the world won’t take the sliminess of Rudy away. As I watched Rudy, I kept thinking he’s been married three times and has had god knows how many mistresses. Who would have sex with this guy? Ick. But that’s just me.
As for Palin? Put the baby away. The whole dang family, plus Cindy McCain, was manhandling that poor baby. What’s a baby doing at a convention? That was nuts, and exploitative on a whole new dimension of exploitation. Shameless people. And those two teenagers? They really look like they are ready to be husband and wife. Leave them at home. It’s like that line from Juno: she’s already pregnant, what worse shenanigans could they get up to.
Meanwhile, back in Eastern Europe, Condi is giving $1 billion to Georgia, and Darth Cheney is growling to the Russians to back off. This is good? Vlad’s loading fresh tranquilizer darts, no doubt. Is this what will win it for McCain, a war with Russia before November? Cra-zee.
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
I can't remember if any of the major parties voted against the extension of this mission until 2011. Maybe the NDP did. Anyone remember? Whoever voted against it gets my vote. Even if it was the Bloc. There's no way we should've extended beyond the original date of 2009. This is sad and pointless.
This should be a lesson to all teens. If you don't want to get stuck having to smile for photo ops with creepy scary oldster McCain, wear a condom!
McCain is so old looking in these photos. I want to draw in a bubble that has him saying "thank you for visiting my crypt". Creepy.
What has happened to his black daughter? Has she attended any events at all? Everybody else's kids are all over the place, but McC's adopted daughter is persona non white-a grata.
I can't argue with that, but it would be a tad difficult.
Anyway, I have decided to undertake this challenge. Excluding on this blog (which face it, if I stopped complaining here, I might as well log off forever), I am trying to reduce my complaining and criticism to zero.
We agreed at work that if we all did this here, the building would sit within a cone of silence.
But I am going to sincerely try this, because I do agree that negativeness breeds more negativeness, and I am already so effing negative that maybe I need to lighten up a bit.
Any bets on how long I can last? 24 hours? 48? Would you believe 2?
I'm just sitting around, waiting for Steve to call his little election so I can get all nerdy and excited about it. tra la la.
Has this ever happened to you? I was sitting in a restaurant on Saturday with two friends, and a woman walked up to our table and asked me if I was [insert any name here]. I don't remember who she thought I was, but I said no and she apologized and went back to her table. Ever since then, I'm DYING to know what this mystery person looked like, who allegedly looks so much like me as to lead to this inquiry. I've never met anybody who looks a lot like me. Maybe (most probably) if I saw her, I'd think she didn't look like me at all.
When I was a Con U, there was a man in my class who (I thought) didn't look a thing like me, but a classmate asked if we were brother and sister. Since I don't have a brother, I'd never imagined what a brother o' mine would look like. Maybe like that guy.
The only bro and sis I know who astound me in their resemblance are Mr. Anonymous and Sister Anonymous. They're like twins! But they're not!
Oh, Jerry Reed died. The obits talk about his acting career, but I only think of him as the guy who sang Amos Moses, which is a cool song.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
This weekend, in my ongoing quest to discover new and exciting flavours of chips, I stumbled across Herr's Horesradish and Cheddar chips. "Herr's," I thought to myself. Who are these chip people?" Feeling a little apprehensive (somewhat akin to Carol Channing at a KKK convention), I purchased them out of a sense of intrigue...Let's face it, Ketchup chips don't really taste like ketchup, Sour Cream & Onion chips don't really taste like SC & O either, and the now defunct Roast Chicken chips never had anyone thinking they were dining on poultry...so what did these chips taste like? Well, they tasted like f * *king horseradish. Did the cheddar portion help to soothe things out? No! They just tasted like f * *king horseradish. My nostrils were burning the whole time. Now, I enjoy a dollop of horseradish in a dip or a pat in a sandwich, but this was like eating f * *king horesradish out of a jar with a spoon...and that's just f * *king crazy!!!! I don't know what the hell these Herr's people were thinking, but they better go back to the old drawing board. I'm certain two or three chips stuffed into a roast beef sandwich would be satisfyingly tasty, but that just ain't going to happen, as it will be a cold day in hell (or if my nose is blocked and the pharmacy is out of Dristan Nasal Spray) before I purchase these again. On the Wang-o-Meter, these dud spuds rate a sad and impotent one inch.
Editor's note: Are Herr's German, as in Mein Herr? If so, that would explain the sadism of this chip flavour. You know how those people are...
What has he done with the money, you may well ask? He put 90 thousand down on his mortgage and spent the rest on a new roof.
Really, sometimes, we are the most sensible* family on Earth.
In international news, I can't decide what's the better story: Palin's pregnant daughter or Putin shooting the tiger. I gotta give the win to Vlad. That is the most unbelievable slice of soviet-style propaganda I've ever seen. Kudos, Vlad!