Important NaPoMo announcement

As blogmistress I have decided to extend NaPoMo until May 7.

The reason for this is that Ms Mushrooms (a poet) (a real one) is vying for a "prize" in her province, and as part of the competition, she will be giving a public reading on May 7. This is a real, actual prize, awarded at a "gala" where she has to dress up and wear make-up and eat little bits of shrimp on a cracker. I do not remember the date of the gala, but I may need to further extend NaPoMo. We shall see.

So in support of her efforts to win an actual poetry prize (It has a really serious name, this prize. Something like the Rufus T. Firefly* Memorial Award), I feel it is our duty to keep rhymin' until her public reading on May 7. She needs the inspiration!

Rhyme on! Rhyme on!

*Name has been changed to protect the innocent.

Work-related sigh

My esteemed employer was on the French-language national news last night.

A little story about corruption, favouritism, dozens of unnecessary business trips, cars and chauffeurs and a $2 million deficit in one department alone. A department run by a former colleague of Mr. Anonymous.

We peons have known for so long how corrupt this place is, it was kind of refreshing to see it on display in a public forum. They had even acquired copies of the dirty rat's travel expenses. Sweet. Will anything change here? No. Nothing ever changes.

When it comes time to recover that $2 million in the next budget, whose jobs do you think they are going to cut? The higher-ups? No way. They'll fire people who deliver mail and work on the printing presses. You can bet on that.

Flu Again

I'm trying, in the spirit of JAW Fan and his epic, gargantuan NaPoMo effort of this a.m., to ignore the swine flu, but it is difficult when the first message in my in-box today is from Human Resources and it is called: Recommended guidelines in preparation for a potential swine influenza pandemic.

Sigh.

I'm getting flu obsessed

I've just been reading up on this nu flu on a medical website. Earlier today, I was indifferent, and even irritated by the scare mongering. Now? I think we are all screwed. Totally fucked.

The comparisons to the 1918 Spanish flu are creepy. For example, in 1918, 2.5% of all cases resulted in death. So far, in Mexico, the rate is already 6%. That's a lot.

The 1918 pandemic took the form of three waves, the first of which caused only mild disease and relatively few deaths. That sounds like today in the US. By the third wave, people were incredibly sick and dying by the hundreds.

I haven't had a flu of any kind in a long, long time, but I do remember it well enough to know, that even if I don't die, I may want to. I really hope Human Resources issues a notice that we all have to stay home for the next two or three weeks. For our own protection.

And don't cough on me, fellow public transit users!

My prediction for the biggest headline of 2009: Susan Boyle gets swine flu.

Miserable Swine(flu)

Wow, are the media having their collective vapours about swine flu or what? And, frankly, with all the rest of the troubles in the USA right now, does Obama really need to be facing pandemic-related mass lunacy? Just relax, people. Chill.

I'm feeling smug because since the beginning of the year, when I started my New Year's Diet (yes, it's going positively crap, thanks for asking), I don't think I've eaten bacon more than 3 times, so I figure I'm immune from the Porky flu. They haven't "officially" announced it yet, but I'm sure it has something to do with eating too much bacon. Really. Also, I've been with a Muslim, so there's another layer of immunity against all pig-related illness. I'm confident of that.

Wasn't it Samuel L. Jackson who said: I don't dig on swine. Of course, he also "quoted" scripture in a pretty end-of-days-whupass way in that movie. So, maybe it was a sign.

On a positive note, swine has plenty o' rhymin' potential. So it's good to see this panic happenin' in the closing days of NaPoMo.

On the other hand, I'm supposed to work late this Friday evening and possibly Saturday morning as well. If everyone is going to be dead in a month anyway, why should I bother? Pandemics just give me so many things to worry about.

Also never forget. Every time someone is given a dose of Tamiflu, Donald Rumsfeld makes money. Skip the Tamiflu, wear a mask. Don't eaten bacon and find yourself a Muslim for extra protection.

Celebrity Death News

This had to happen on a weekend when JAW Fan is not on line to contribute a poetic eulogy.

Bea Arthur. I can't believe she was 86. I don't know why this surprises me so much. I would've guessed mid-70s.

It's Spring, Baby

What a fantastic morning (here in Central Canada, ahem, maybe not all over Canada?). Is this a sign of how great a season we are going to have?

Normally, in my sad little front yard, I see one crocus. Each year, I see one crocus one morning on my way to work, and when I get home from work, the squirrel has eaten it. No more crocus. But this week, on Thursday, I saw that not one, but FOUR, croci were in bloom. I took a moment to observe and absorb them, as I figured the squirrel was sharpening his knife against his fork and adjusting his bib, perhaps setting a candle on the table to decorate his checkered tablecloth. But, surprise, when I got home on Thursday, all four croci were still there.

And this morning. A FIFTH. I now have five bloomin' croci on my lawn. This is a first in 10 years.

Is the squirrel on a diet? Needs to lose his tummy bulge or muffin top? Or just lost his taste for crocus? I'll never know.

Where has the month gone?

Only one week left of NaPoMo... I haz a sad. :(

Random Encounter

I was waiting for the bus, alone at the stop. An old woman in a strangely wealthy-looking coat comes walking along. She stops to talk to me. She has a heavy accent. She talks about the weather, about how it is still cold. I agree that yes it is, despite the nice sun, it is indeed still cool.

I’m from Poland, she says. There we have four distinct seasons, not like here, where you don’t know when the season will change. I see, says I. My family was originally from Russia she says. I nod.

And then, I don’t know exactly how things went off the rails, but she is telling me that Russians are smart honest people. Her family knew someone whose ancestor knew the Czar. (I nod.) And they were smart. They hid their beautiful things so the Nazis couldn’t steal their stuff. Hitler and the Nazis they tried to steal everything, but they hid their treasures from Hitler.

Then she says: I see your bus is coming. True. It was. I will bid you good-bye. I said: Have a pleasant evening. And she shuffled away.

I predict I will dream about Nazi looters tonight. Or the Czar.

Thursday at-work Poem

Oh boo hoo
I am in woe
I have so little time
For NaPoMo

In cyber world
It is a sin
When the real world
Butts in

No time to tell
The funny news
About Kumar vs cats
(A war he will lose)

So lest you think
I am a slug
I’m drowning in real work
Glug glug glug

Great Moments in Canadiens Hockey Fandom Idiocy

I'm walking home tonight with my bag of groceries, and there's a guy behind me talking on his cell. I live on a quiet street and he's not far behind so he is coming in loud and clear for me.

This is as close to a verbatim as I can manage:

"Ya know, they just have to make it back to Boston and then they'll win the series. My theory is they just have to worry about the next two games. They win those and Boston will be down and out. And then they'll take the series!"

I resisted turning around to get a close-up look at the quintessential deluded Canadiens nut. But as I walked towards my house, I got a look. He appeared normal.

You never can tell.

I return

I'm back at work and back to the blog. It seems like there are a million things in the news, but I don't feel like writing about any of them.

I did see that Time magazine's cover story this week is: The New Frugality. I expected to see my face splashed across the page, but no, they ignored me. Maybe because I'm Miss Old Frugality and not Miss New Frugality. Oh well.

Spring Break

I am taking two days of out-of-the-office software training, so JAW Fan gets an extra long break from NaPoMo-ing.

This doesn't mean he can't write a poem if he feels like it. I would hate to learn that all those rhymes have backed up causing brain flooding.

And when a quickie inspiration is needed for a NaPo there's always Alec Baldwin.

My two musical cents worth

I’ve been thinking about the whole Susan Boyle phenomenon for a couple of days now. She certainly has a lovely clear-as-a-bell voice. That’s for sure.

It’s nice to see a talent recognized and hopefully rewarded. She’s probably going to make a pile of money from a CD. Simon Cowell will make more than she will, I’m sure, but that is his talent.

I just can’t get passed the audience reaction. A standing ovation throughout. Why? Because, wow, she can sing but she isn’t beautiful. Therefore we must stand-up and scream hysterically about it. Huh? If she had been conventionally attractive, nobody would’ve stood up. What does that say about the audience, other than the obvious? i.e. that they are narrow-minded morons. Where does this social conditioning come from? How long has it been the rule that a good singer can only be beautiful? I guess this is the reality show standard.

Also, this self-congratulation that so many people seem to have on being so open-minded that they acknowledge her gift, despite her appearance. How generous. How can people be so proud of a reaction they should be ashamed of? The dang world's turned upside down.

Maybe it’s because I come from the world of Celine Dion and Ginette Reno and (gulp) Patsy Gallant, but we’ve always known that you don’t have to be conventionally attractive to have a singing career. You just need opportunity, good management and good publicity. And catchy tunes.

And stop picking on Susan about her eyebrows! As a lifelong, proud sporter of thick, unplucked brows, I say at last our time has come. She will lead us out of obscurity. At least for 15 minutes.

Mel II

I may turn this into the Mel Gibson News Desk. I think Mel's divorce is going to be so interesting.

Mel is now "seriously" dating a 24-year-old Russian pop tart. Mel is 53.

Oh Mel. You are already likely to lose $450 million in your divorce, and now this? How many more times do you want to get taken to the cleaners?

What a dip.

Radio days

I was alone in the gym after work so I decided to masochistically (sp?) subject myself to 97.7, the spirit of rock. I was wondering how long it might take until I heard a song from our high school years. Answer: Not long.

First song. Any guesses?

1. Angie
2. Who are you?

I was back in Grade 11. Where's Mr. Gosnell?

Then I was given a break. They played Let It Ride by BTO. Yeh! Still the rockin'est tune ever. Yo, BTO.
Followed by....any guesses?

Frampton Comes Alive.

It really is astounding how this station has not changed its playlist in 30 years. But I ended my time on a high note: Magic Carpet Ride. Whoo hoo.

Cute alert!

It will come as a surprise to nobody at all that I think the Obamas' new dog is adorable.

Mel and other domestic issues

Mel Gibson's wife has filed for divorce. This will be the Hollywood $$$$$$ story of the Century.

But wait. Isn't Mel one of those Xtreme Catholics? The ones who think every Pope since Vatican II is going straight to hell for not being Catholicky enough? So how can he agree to be divorced? Won't he go to hell and have to share hell space with John XXIII?

If someone wants to divorce you and you don't want to be divorced, can't you just disagree to the divorce? I know someone right now who has been left hanging by his not-quite-ex wife. She is supposed to pay him a big settlement (or so we have heard) and she just keeps putting off signing the final papers, which is keeping him poor and sponging off his new girlfriend. (I'm with the soon-or-maybe-not-so-soon-to-be-ex wife on this one. She should leave him stewing for another 2 or 3 years. heh heh.)

In Mel's case, I think it would be a LOT cheaper for him to stay married. And he would guarantee his going to heaven too.

Happy B-day Jr squared?

Am I way off base, or is today Happy B-Day wishes for Mr. Anon Jr Jr?

Oh Great, just Great

Now what am I supposed to buy for all my relatives at Easter? Eh? What?

CHICAGO - Walgreens has pulled a Barack Obama version of the Chia Pet from its stores, and the decision leaves about 200,000 of the pottery plant kits in a West Side Chicago warehouse. The Deerfield-headquartered drugstore chain made the move Friday after getting a few complaints about the item since the product's April 1 launch, a spokeswoman said. (CBS)

Click to see the thing. Cooool.

http://cbs2chicago.com/local/obama.chia.head.2.979595.html

It's Friday! no, it's Thursday

But it's the last day of the work week and it feels like Friday. This is so confusing for someone my age. I'm disorientated.

And my boss took the day off, so I am also unmotivated.

Pre-Easter Resurrection

Yesterday, I was hanging around the office with an hour to kill, so I visited the Romantic Mailbox Website and searched the environs for possible prospects.

Surprisingly enough, I found 3 or 4 non-Neanderthals who:

a) didn’t have yawn-inducing profiles along the lines of “I love long walks on the beach” and “candlelit dinners”;

b) didn’t say they embraced the polyamorous lifestyle because they could “love” more than one woman at a time (I did read one loser who said this, tho.); and

c) didn't have screen names like HornyJoe or BenDover (stay classy, lads!).

And there was one gem who listed both The Pogues and Fugazi among his favourite bands. Be still my heart.

Does the fact that I am reading these profiles agreeably mean that I am finally ready to do the Kumar Dump? At long last? If House can get rid of his Kumar, maybe I can get rid of mine. (Enter devil on shoulder who says: But he's so cute. Give him another few weeks...)

Ode to a Dead TV Character

O Kutner thou art dead
Shot yourself in the head

Last night I was hating
The producer of House
(Who I thought was a louse)

And I had to ask why
Kill off the Indian guy?

But now I get it
(I checked CNN)

Why be sixth string on a network drama?
When you can go to the White House
And work for Obama?

This Kumar has retired
He didn’t get fired
He gave up the t.v. bucks
To work in political muck

But to walk away is not absurd
For a South Asian political nerd

They love their politics these dudes
They like power and have attitude
But my Kumar will not become a pol
Because he hates Harpo, our PM troll

ugh!

My new most-hated, detested and creeped-out-by commercial is the one for Axe with the guy made out of chocolate. How does this creepy gross thing help sell deodorant?

I change the station whenever it is on because I literally can't look at it. Blech.

All this being said, it's got a kind of cool song in it, tho. But I can't listen to it. Because I've changed the station.

A Poem

Rain rain
go away
Come again
another day

or week
or month

just stop raining already*

*I have fallen into free verse.

I forgot

A new month, and I was so distracted by NaPoMo and the Resurrection of the Kumar, I forgot to report on my New Year’s Resolution progression.

1. Declutter = denuthin’ happenin’ yet
2. Packing a lunch. Still holdin’ steady on this one. At least once a week, usually 2 or 3 times per week. Am I getting richer as a result? Hard to say. I’m not getting thinner that’s for sure.
3. Diet? See No. 2 above. Staying the same, which in my book can be counted as a small victory.

Not Resolution-related but I did finally get an Opus card this month. I have joined the modern age of Montreal public transit. So far no problems. The light goes green when I swipe the card, no unpleasant beeps or flashing red rejection.

Hold 'em, fold 'em, etc

JAW Fan's latest poem has given me a perfect opportunity to segue to Dostoyevsky. (Let's call him FD 'cause I'm not typing that name twice.)

I'm currently reading The Gambler by FD. I'm thoroughly enjoying it. I thought FD was going to be a bleak, dour Russian, but this book is a hoot. I've just finished a chapter where the eccentric, loony old Grandmother, who everyone is hoping will die because they are desperately broke and need the inheritance, has shown up at the resort and quickly proceeded to blow 15,000 roubles at the roulette table. First she won (old familiar story) and then she started losing and losing it all. By...betting on red!

So betting on red does not always double your fortune. Just ask Grandmother.

Wealth Distribution

We received a notice today of our annual cost-of-living raise.

I shall be receiving an entire 0.57% raise, effective today.

I know, I know. It's better than a pay cut or getting fired. I do appreciate that.

NaPoMo Cancelled

I'm sorry to advise that due to circumstances beyond my control there will not be any National Poetry Month blogging on this site.









APRIL FOOL!

Let the rhymin' begin!

Sheepish belated B-Day wishes

Our Susieq from the land of Oz met the Big 5-0 a few days ago.

So, I'm a few days late. Sorry, but hey you get to be 50 all year! Enjoy!

As the Kumar Turns

You didn't think he was gone for good, didja? Well, he's back.

Having given him up for dead over the past couple of weeks, I was shocked (see Claude Rains) to see the battered Kumar-mobile pull up in front of the house on Saturday.

First thing he says when walking in (in his traditional haughty huff): "Your neighbours are the nosiest people in the world!" The woman across the street, who I would rate about a 7 on the Nosey Meter (as opposed to my neighbour two doors down, whose face should be emblazoned on The Nosey Meter (patent pending)) was having a party on Saturday and most of her guests were arriving around the same time as Kumar materialized. So, as he gets out of his car, on this very quiet street, there were indeed at least 5 people at the window across the street, watching him. I explained they were probably anticipating another person at their party, and that's why. They were not staring because he is the be-all and the end-all (except in his own mind).

But then we were in my living room looking out, and well, it did look like they were also just staring across at us. It was rather odd.

Anyway, Kumar had been on a road trip for the past 2 weeks or so. He quit his job in Toronto (Yep, in a recession, he quit a decent job, idiot!). And he had been down in the USA, at various job interviews in Atlanta, Virginia and New Jersey. He had just got back (he pulled out his passport as proof that he had just now crossed the border). And I was his first stop on his return. Lucky me. Did he tell me any of this before leaving? Of couse not. He must think I am a mole and I love being in the dark.

Dubai remains unconfirmed, but is not looking promising. It appears he is self-sabotaging this one by making demands he knows they won't accept. I suppose it is easier to say that they could not come to an agreement than to admit he doesn't actually want to move there.

Conclusion: We're back at square one. He is working for his own company again, and for the first time since November, we are living in the same city. This cannot end well.

Harumph

So far, my "do nothing" Friday is not unfolding as I had planned.

Fudge.

Good news

I may have office hours for blogging tomorrow. My boss has taken the day off.

Of course, she HAD to leave me something to "take care of" in her absence, but I won't let that get in the way of my Revolutionary Blogging!

Bankers are evil. Death to Mr. Monopoly.

Donde esta la revolucion?

Yesterday a group of disgruntled folks vandalized the home of the president of the Royal Bank of Scotland, and in France some employees took their boss hostage. To which I can only say:

It’s about time.

I’ve been waiting for people to start rising up against everything that’s happened in the past couple of years. Notice these acts of revolt are happening only in Europe so far? That’s because in North America, Dancing with the Stars and American Idol are on. We mustn’t be disturbed from our t.v. watching.

Europeans are so much better about giving a shit. We don’t care. The banks can take all our money, lay-off hundreds of workers while still announcing stupendous profits, and we still won’t care enough to throw a brick. Where is our Ignatz Mouse to lead us?

I did read that AIG officials are hiring bodyguards after receiving death threats. So all is not lost. I wonder how much more it will take before protestors demonstrate on Wall Street. Nah. Won’t happen. We’d rather take out our anger (if we feel any) by shopping at Wal-mart. That’ll show those millionaires how we really feel.

A disturbing trend

Over the past 1 to 2 weeks, I have found myself increasingly occupied with work during working hours. This "work" business is absorbing a great deal of potential blogging time.

I don't know how to make this stop.

On the horizon

Only 9 short days until National Poetry Month begins.

No pressure.

Life is short, Part 5233 in a series

Another month, another funeral for another friend in my age group. This is getting to be a bit much, I think.

Anna and I worked together for a while, and she gave me my first kitty cat, the much-feared and near-universally loathed Miss P. (But I loved Miss P and that's what counted! So she hissed a little, big deal.)

Anna was also my room-mate on my first trip to China. She was a fun gal. Always cheerful, never a bad word about anybody.

She was 51 and had had lung cancer for about 5 years, and fought it as long as she could. It is a complete and utterly unfair world where someone like Anna dies and loads of miserable old effers live on forever.

RIP, fun gal. She's chuckling somewhere, and then throwing her head back and guffawing.

Springa, she has sprunga

Spring officially began about 2 and a half hours ago. Can you feel it? Sure!

I have to say that March this year has not been at all like the dread normal March, which is usually so snowy, cold, long and awful that it is my 2nd most hated month, following the eternal depths and despair of darkness that is called November. But this year, well, March has been positively European in its springiness. C'est si beau.

I guess in Australia autumn started today. Is that how it works? Seems logical.

Last night a girl scout appeared at my door, fund-raising. She was selling things for the garden, so I ordered peat moss, sheep manure, and seeds for vegetables, herbs and container plants. I'm ready to get growing.

I don't get it

Absolutely nothing good has been reported on the economy lately and yet stock markets have been "rallying" for a week. Why? The economy is still shit.

I suspect this all springs from Jon Stewart telling off that Jim Cramer nut from CNBC. Everything changed after that. Jon Stewart is all-powerful and controls "The Market".

Yesterday, Obama made a speech where he said he would take the blame for everything, since people are looking for somebody to blame. I like how he said: "Blame me, I'm the President". I think he really wanted to say "I'm the f**king President" but he resisted. I think it is sinking in that he IS the f**king President and he likes it!

I bet when he's putting on his tie in the morning, he looks in the mirror and says "I'm the f**king President" and then he laughs.

Yawn

I am playing hooky today, with my boss's knowledge. Have a doctor's appointment at an inconvenient time so rather than have to make up the lost hours, I just got lazy and stayed home.

I have many important YouTubes to watch, etc., so it's not like I'm wasting time.

[Bang head on desk repeatedly]

ABOARD THE PAPAL PLANE — Pope Benedict XVI said on his way to Africa today that condoms were not the answer in the continent's fight against HIV, his first explicit statement on an issue that has divided even clergy working with AIDS patients.

He had never directly addressed condom use, but has said the Roman Catholic Church is in the forefront of the battle against AIDS. The Vatican encourages sexual abstinence to fight the spread of the disease. (Globe & Mail)

Ya know, there are just so many things to address in these two short paragraphs, I dunno where to start. The RC church is at the forefront of the battle? How? By encouraging abstinence. In what universe (Benny World!) does that place the Church at the forefront? Groan.

Second, and more trivially, I love that this story was filed from "Aboard the Papal Plane". There's something very Batman about that. Meanwhile, aboard the papal plane....ta da ta da ta da ta da

So Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody. And remember when you leave the bar this evening, all hornied up on green beer, remember to abstain. From coochie coochie, I mean, not from green beer.

Celebrity Death News

Adios Altovise.

Mrs. Sammy Davis Jr, baby, has died. She was married to Sammy for 20 years. Wow.

I'm trying to think if I ever saw her anywhere but on Tattle Tales. I can only picture her talking to Bert Convy, her face in that little TV screen.

The Great Depression

There was an article in the Gazette on the weekend about how memberships in on-line dating sites are up a lot since the beginning of the recession.

Man cannot live on overpriced food and wine alone.

So, seeing as how I am on the cusp of the post-Kumar world, I thought I would check out one of the sites listed in the article. I registered and came to one (or maybe more than one) conclusion:

The recession has taken a toll on men’s faces. Really. If these are the best photos these guys have of themselves, times are tough indeed.

I immediately cancelled my registration. There’s gotta be a better way to go about things. Call me shallow because I have a problem with a middle-aged guy who thinks the best possible image to project of himself is one where he is wearing a trucker’s cap. Come on, guys, you can do better. No?

I fear that I am now spoiled. I don’t foresee finding another attractive man who is happy to snuggle while discussing the pros and cons of India having a permanent seat on the UN Security Council or US goals in the Afghan/Pakistan border region. (Geopolitical nerd heaven that was, let me tell you.) But no, I am in no danger of idealizing Kumar now that he is near-history. His faults, and they are myriad, are still fresh in my mind. As fresh as an overpriced six-pack of English muffins which now go for $2.59. $2.59! Can you believe it? Yep, I’m still mad about the grocery thing. And I’m out of wine.

Allow me to complain

Today's recessionary rant: groceries. i.e. the price of food.

I've been complaining about this to anyone who'll listen lately. This may have to do with my new habit of bringing my lunch, and my continuing (near futile) diet, which has made me more price-conscious. I seem to be at IGA almost every day.

Last night, I got a car, and went to LaSalle to the IGA I like and did a big order, a stocking-up kind of thing. And it cost me $85.00. Families of four would consider this a pittance, but for a single person (and that's just human food, not cat food) this was alot. And most things I bought were on sale. $3 for a 1 kg of peanut butter was a good deal, I thought.

How can people afford food these days? No wonder they are driving their SUVs to the food bank. And cereal. Since when is a box of cereal over $4.00? Big sale on Cheerios was 2 for $7.00? Cereal on sale is SUPPOSED to be $1.99. Come on, that's the rule!

I can't figure out where my cash is going, so last night I got out a note book and wrote down every place I spent money. I admit I'm still treating myself a bit. Case in point: 4 samosas and 2 cans of curry goop at Akhavan. Total: $8.39. But I like and appreciate samosas and curry goop. What is life without goop?

Should I stop drinking wine? That would save $15 or so a week. But I like a glass a wine! I can't win.

In the news

It's a kind of a quiet week, so let's check out the news.

1. The Iraqi shoe-tossing hero was sentenced to 3 years in jail. Some are saying this is too harsh, but I can't argue. In fact, for that part of the world, it seems downright lenient. He did assault a visiting Head of State. Say what you want about the target (and there's nothing good to say) it was a crazy gesture. And I can't help but think if he had actually hit the target, the prison sentence would be a lot longer.

1a. I don't miss Bush.

2. Tent cities in the US. There was a story from California on the news last night about 300 people who've been unemployed for 6 months to a 1 year or so, and are now living in tents because they've lost their homes. It was weird and disturbing. Can things really go that bad that quickly? It is true that not a lot of people have savings, and I suppose a lot of them had debts. But it just seems like it's too soon into the recession for this. When will we start riding the rails and singing Woody Guthrie songs while strumming on the old beat-up guitar?

3. Also, several stories lately about the "new" people going to food banks in the US. Call me callous (you're callous!) but there is just something wrong about some well-dressed woman going to a food bank in her SUV. Why do I think these types of people haven't given up their cell phones or any other number of mod cons?

4. In international news, Pakistan's a mess again this week. Oh sorry, that's not news, that's just life. What a crap country.

Nerds among us

My new fave show is The Big Bang Theory, mainly because I love Sheldon so much. But last night for the first time he irritated me to the point of actually wanting to stop watching the show. I'm disappointed because I thought this was a sitcom I could watch for a while.

On the other hand, Sheldon might be replaced by Howard as my favourite character. He even had a pick-up line last night that I'm thinking of adopting "I'm the small package that good things come in". I know. It didn't work for him either. Loser.

The Book of Kumar

So. Kumar has this thing about being a sperm donor. (Now THAT, folks, is an opening line!) This has come up before in conversation.

I guess as a starving student at some point, he must’ve thought that maybe he could make a few bucks as a sperm donor. I’m sure he’s not the only guy to ever think about this. Anyway. He’s never done it, and this is his reason why. He’s has some crazy, mortal fear that if he had been a donor in his early 20s, then at some point in his 40s he would unknowingly sleep with his own daughter. Yes, I know. Believe me, I know. It’s insane.

I swear that people from that part of the world live only for “Drama”.

I tell him that statistically the chances are pretty darn slim that this could happen. But, says he, they still could!

So, a-ha, says I: here is your solution. Easy. When you are in your 40s, never sleep with a woman who is young enough to be your daughter. Stick with women your own age. Problem solved. No worries, now go donate all the lil sperms you want.

But no, says he, when I will be in my 40s, I’m only going to want to sleep with women in their 20s. Right now, he explains, I am in my 20s and I want to be with an older woman. But when I am 40, the last thing I will want is a 40-year-old woman. No way. At 40, I will want a woman who is 20.

I looked at him, puzzled. Why is that? I asked (apparently foolishly).

He looked at me like I was the biggest numbskull in the world and said. “Because that’s the way it works!!”

Boy, I’m dumb. I did not know that.

So, to any 40-something man out there who is with a woman in his same age group, You’re Doing It Wrong!

Lovely Day

What a nice weekend. Spring is so close I can smell it. And I don't just mean the dog poop smell that is on most corners now that the snow is melting.

I've just returned from the kind of afternoon walk I have been waiting 3 months to enjoy. I was on the go for precisely 1 hour and 2 minutes. It was all good, except my ears were getting cold in the last 10 minutes or so. But I feel rejuvenated.

All ready for back-to-work on Monday. Bleh.

In other weekend news, spent some time with Kumar yesterday. I am delighted and amazed at how well we are getting along now that I know he is leaving the country. Funny how these things work out. The pressure to adapt and adjust is gone, I suppose. So we can just relax and have fun. How pleasant and unexpected.

Happy B-Day, Junior Edition

Happy 9th Birthday to Little Anonymous No. 1.

(I know this looks like I only posted this because the Parental Unit mentioned it in the comments below, but honestly I meant to post this early this a.m. I just didn't have time until now. Really.)

I'm certain he's a good little Pisces. He sure has a niiiice day for a birthday.

Is it possible?

Will the temperature climb above freezing for the next 3, 4 or even 5 days?

Dare I dream?

We so need a thaw. I'm desperate. Either I'm getting crankier or winter is getting longer and miserabler.

Coming Soon

Looking at the calendar today, I realized that National Poetry Month is only 4 short weeks away.

I must start drumming up excitement now!

(drum roll)

In mid-life crisis medical news

Ah, the miracle of modern pharmaceuticals.

Looking over my blood test results, Dr. S. wrote EXCELLENT (in big letters, really) in his notes. My overall cholesterol level was down by half; and my “bad” cholesterol was down by 60%. The meds are thought to cause a 40% drop in naughty cholesterol, so this means my own goody-goody two-shoes behaviour modification accounted for an additional 20% drop.

To quote Bart: I am so great, I am so great.

Dr. S. will see me again in 6 months. If I maintain my angelic lifestyle, he will cut my meds in half at that point. And then after another 6 months, if (oh, and that’s a BIG if) I continue this saintly comportment, he will take me off the meds. I hate being on cholesterol-lowering medication. It feels like such an old person’s thing. How can I continue to deny the (blatantly-occurring) aging process if I stay on this medication? I don't wanna be old. Waaaah!

It would be so much easier to be a man. I could just buy a sports car and everything would be okay.

Chips in Puerto Vallarta, #3 in a series

JAW Fan sez:
As my loyal readers know, I have an issue with potato chips whose flavour name are not actually reflected in their taste...particularly when it comes to all these new-fandangle hotsy-totsy, spicy flavours that end up being nothing more than a mediocre barbecue. So, naturally, when I picked up a bag of Ruffles Extra Picante down in Puerto Vallarta, I had a pre-conceived notion of what they would taste like. Well, tickle my tuckus and call me a taxi...was I ever wrong! These chips were without a doubt the hottest snack food I have ever slipped past my lips. Seriously, Senor Ruffles, nobody with a healthy potato fetish needs a chip this hot. I mean, Geez Louise, I damn near burned my f * *king tongue off. After a couple of mouthfuls, I had to put the bag down. The next day, I had another mouthful and again put the bag aside, a third mouthful on the third day...and on day four I thought, "screw this, I ain't the Marquis de Sade" and threw the rest into the garbage. Yes, yours truly actually tossed his taters away...that's how hot these fiery f * *kers were! On el Mexicano wang-o-metro, they rate a freakishly abnormal and unbearably painful 17 inches...Impressive as it might sound, trust me, you don't want anything that big near you. Ouch!...But if you're feeling exceptionally daring, then proceed with caution...but don't say I didn't warn you!

Fortunately, to help make up for this picante debacle, there were Ondas Skate chips...a ridged BBQ chip with some lame skateboarder dude on the packaging. I certainly wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary...but again, how wrong I was...they were totally delicious. What this company lacked in marketing, they made up for in flavour. This was truly a heaven-sent BBQ delight, providing the right amount of kick (much like a 1976 Patsy Gallant TV special.) Never has a BBQ chip offered such joy in the jockstrap. On el wang-o-metro, these mucho-macho hunkeroos (or barbecuties, if you prefer) score a perfectly-shaped, excellently-erect, and positively Mandingo-esque 10 inches that will have you humping all night long.

Resolution Rock

Another month gone in 2009, time to check in on the New Year’s Resolutions:

1) Declutter the house. Let’s not speak of this elephant in the room. Well, you can’t actually see the elephant because it’s still covered in clutter. No progress at all on this front. I need a Reality Show to do an intervention on this for me.

2) Packing a lunch. Continued success. I lost track of how many times I brought a lunch in Feb. That is how routine it has become. Frankly, I’m a bit stunned at myself for having kept the habit for two months.

3) Losing weight. Not so good. I only shed a measly half a pound. (Better than gaining, I know, I know.) Today is my doctor’s appt and I dunno how happy he will be with me. I must get back on track in March. It was so easy in January, but February blahs got to my eating habits. And birthday goodies. All added up to a flat line.

On the positive side for me, Kumar gained 2 pounds! HA HA (Nelson laugh.) Last month he weighed only 5 little pounds more than I did, but now he is 7 pounds more than me. (Let us ignore that fact that he is 9 inches taller, shall we?) He was annoyed, but then remembered that he’d been eating a lot of muffins and pancakes. Well, that’ll do it. I really cannot allow him to weigh less than me. That is just too depressing. Keep eatin’ those pancakes, boy.

Radio Mushrooms

Today, at 2:30 EST, 12:30 Alberta time, our Ms. Mushrooms will be interviewed on the radio, radio.

Since I don't get Alberta radio, I'm happy to report that it will also be podcast on the old PC.

The site is ckua.com and the show is called Bookmark.

Bonne chance! (Not that she can read this because she remains computerless.)

UPDATE: Good job. Who knew she had a good "radio voice".

Nerd Alert

I was waiting for the elevator with one of our IT guys this morning (I don't know him, have never spoken to him), and he was whistling the theme from Star Wars. Very animatedly. He was really giving it all he had.

These people really do exist.

I think he might've been whistling it ironically, but I can't be sure.

Happy Birthday to Me

48 today. Groan.

I have asked my special Guardian Angels to look out for me, and to grant me all my birthday wishes. To provide both spiritual and physical protection. Will they comply? Ay-yi-yi, if this twosome can't do it, nobody can!

All money, all the time

I'm a regular Ali Velshi, seems all I can talk about is money, money, money. (It makes the world go round, the world go around, the world go around.)

Anyway, today I paid my municipal taxes. Ah, municipal taxes. A tax-paying event then sends JAW Fan into spasms of anticipatory cheque-writing.

I went to the bank as I had to pay the bill at the counter. I was served by this cute young Latino-looking guy named Hubert or Hector. At the Royal, they are obsessed with calling you by your name.

Which is fine if you have a name that everybody knows how to pronounce. In my case, however, I am constantly bombarded by tellers like Hubert/Hector who says "thank you, Mrs. ...... Twyieeoh" and then with each thing he tells me he has to give it another shot. "Please key your PIN now, Mrs. Taayiwhyo". Poor Hubert/Hector. I think his jaw got stretched.

If only I was married to George, then everybody would just call me Mrs. Clooney, and my life would be so easy.

Rock-n-Roll all nite

I watched Obama’s speech last night. Boy, that Prez is a Rock Star. I’ve never seen a President sign so many autographs...in Congress. The crowd was going mental. For a political speech? About a recession? About how bad things are right now? It was bizarre. I was expecting to see someone’s panties go flying onto the podium. Congressmen squealing like teenyboppers at Elvis.

He slammed the previous administration hard. Niiiice.

Michelle Obama is gorgeous. I’m not a fashion watcher, but she’s got me hooked. Every big appearance by the President now has me asking: what is Michelle going to be wearing? She’s amazing.

Now. About the Republican rebuttal. I had heard that the Governor of la Louisiane is the “big hope” of the Republican party. Ohmygod. They are so dead. Stick a fork in ‘em, they’re done. What the hell was that? He almost skipped up to the microphone, tra la la, it was sooo weird. It’s not often I get to use the word “mincing”. But, yes, mincing. Then he spoke in his exaggerated way, like he was on Reading Rainbow or some other show for little kids. I cannot figure what that was all about. Weird and disturbing.

I’m trying to picture MPs in Parliament whooping and squealing and nearly fainting over Stephen Harper. Hmmm. I lack the imagination to go that far. In self-preservation my brain is blocking all attempts.

Gulp

Too many plane crashes so far this year.

Not that I'm planning on going anywhere, but still. I don't like this trend.

Air travel is just not the same since Mr. Anon left the business.

In other Mexican news...

the world's fattest man is slimming down big time.

According to the BBC, he has gone from 560 kg to 250 kg. What's that? From over 1100 pounds to 550 or so. Wow. Impressive.

He is following a diet of carbohydrates, proteins and fats in a ratio of 40:30:30, supervised by a team of scientists and nutritionists. He credits his fiancé with helping him. She encourages him, but he added "I can no longer eat my favourite Sea Salt chips in my bed because the crunching wakes her up and then she yells at me."

We all know how that feels.

South of the Border, Part Dos

Yes, potato chips were definitely the snack of choice during my Puerto Vallarta vacation (as well they should be!). An entire week of chipmania, to be precise. In fact, one morning we sat with a charming gay couple from Moncton (apparently, they do exist on the east coast, too) and had an excellent chip conversation, particularly focused on the silver-bagged President Choice flavours. Those silver bags sure are all the rage in Canada...Might I add that one of the men in question was a hot-bodied Speedo-wearer, who looked like he was carrying a potato down the front of his bathing suit (for emergency snacking purposes, I imagine)...but I digress.

Next on my discoveries were a delicious Jalapeno chip, not unlike our own President's Choice kettle variety...so no reason to go into much detail. They rated a solid and tasty wang reading of 8 inches. Next were Ruffles Queso (cheese, for my non-Spanish-speaking readers.). They should have been called The Queso-iest, as I have never sampled a chip so cheesy and which actually tasted like real cheese. Obviously, peso equals queso...cause Senor Ruffle (opposed to our North American version, Mr. Ruffle) sure packs one mean wedge of wonder into his underwear. On el wang-o-metro, these dong-inspired bites of deliciousness score a porno-worthy 9 inches. Muchos gracias, Senor!!!

Then there was the entire Sea Salt Chip fiasco. At 3:00 AM one morning, I awoke...a pang of hunger whacking away inside of me like some horny teenager. Not wanting to devour anything too spicy on an empty stomach, I opened a bag of Sea Salt Crisps (of the kettle variety). For a plain chip, they were quite yummy and satisfying...About three quarters of the way through the individually-sized sack, however, my travelling companion awoke and commenced chastising me for the deafening crinkle noises I was making with the bag. I explained how I was sucking the chips to reduce the crunch factor and was about to explain that if the bag was made of a non-crinkle material that most likely chip-oil would seep through...but a mini-dispute ensued, resulting in me tossing the remaining uneaten portion onto the night table in a Dynasty-like huff. Needless to say, I have now been scarred for life where Sea Salt chips are concerned. Tasty as they were, on el wang-o-metro (no matter how many inches), I'm afraid these bedroom buddies rate a Not-Tonight-I-Have-A-Headache.

Two final Oscar items

1. When they were showing the Foreign Language nominations, just that 1-second clip of the Japanese movie made me want to see it. It was instantaneous, like: I've got to see that! Even before it won. I don't know when it will be released here.

2. Lastly, what was with the clips from other movies that appeared in blue, framing the nominees, for every award. In particular, at the bottom. I was totally distracted by that same goofy image of the kung fu panda. It was just weird, trying to look at Meryl Streep and my eye being drawn downward to kung fu panda. Who designed that?

Okay, it's Gay Day

Speaking of being in the closet…funny story.

My beloved bro-in-law got a call last week from a guy he used to do business with a lot. The guy is in his 60s, retired a couple of years ago, and was calling bro-in-law to tell him he had come out of the closet. And was getting married. To a guy he has known for 2 weeks.

My bro-in-law’s reaction: aren’t you being a bit hasty?

Also, this guy is pretty wealthy and his “intended” is an American who has health problems so will benefit from Canadian health insurance. Also, he has not has sex with the guy yet.

Bro-in-law’s reaction: I see.

My reaction: this is why it’s a bad idea to wait until you are 60 to come out. (*cough* HJ) Inevitably, you will make an idiot of yourself. And probably get wiped out financially. Being 60, acting 20. Leaving people shaking their heads.

He then proceeded to go into way too-much-information about his new life. He just broke up with a porn star. Yeah, right. Then he says to bro-in-law: imagine if all our former associates knew that I, former Executive whatever of whatever company, was quote “getting in the ass”.

Bro-in-law needed two Johnnie Walkers to recover from that phone call. I said to my sis: if you are invited to the wedding, you have to go. She said they would.

Oscar Review

So much for my brilliant post-Oscar sleep-in plan. I have taken the morning off just to sleep, and what happens? Mr. Jaws decides that 6:02 (while it is still dark out) is Big Time Play Time. He would not stop attacking me. I should say that I am glad he is back to his normal lively self, but honestly, I am annoyed with him. I did not get back to sleep. Dumb cat.

Oscar thoughts:

1) watching Jennifer Aniston was very uncomfortable. It didn't help that the camera was on Angelina at one point. I thought Jen looked like she was going to have a meltdown. She was awful. I couldn't tell if Brad was squirming.

2) whoever did Reese Witherspoon's make-up should be banished from the make-up biz forever. She is usually so radiant but she looked liked she had two black eyes. Thumbs down.

3) Adrien Brody? let's hope that "look" is for a role. Otherwise, seek help. I thought he was a fashionista. Looked like crap.

4) DeNiro is turning into everybody's dad. Ho, ho.

5) Sean Penn gets more twerpish every year. I used to like him, now he just grates on my nerves.

6) How long will Hugh Jackman reign as the gayest straight man alive?

7) Too bad the camera closed in on Sophia Loren. From a distance, when she walked out, she still looked like this formidable goddess, but in close-up, well, she's looking old. That's a shame. I wanted to be in awe of her.

Oscar Red Carpet

I'm not intending to live-blog the Oscars, but I have to mention 2 things:

1) Melissa Leo. Wow. She is so glamourous. Unrecognizable. She's always playing a hag, but man, she gives hope to us all. I repeat: wow.

2) Matthew Broderick has Hitler Hair. Why? And why is SJP letting him do this?

P.S. CNN has Anil Kapoor on, hosting the Oscar trivia quiz in his Millionaire host persona. I'm luvin' that dude.

P.P.S. Go Mickey.

Hey, Ossssscar

Yes, it's Oscar day. You can argue the pros and cons of Slumdog all you want, but frankly, the only thing that really matters tonight is that JERRY is getting an honourary Oscar.

How bloated will he be?
Will he be goofy?
Or will emotional Jerry take over, and he'll starting crying and being "deep"?
Will any of Jerry's "Kids" be in the audience?
and most importantly, will we see any clips from The Day the Clown Cried?

I know I am asking too much, but Oscar is all about dreaming, right?

Oh, Jerry, you'll never walk alone.

2,000

This is my 2,000th post! How many wasted hours and how much lost productivity does that add up to. I'd rather not think about it.

Two thousand posts and I am still a big loser, i.e., that is to say, I did not win the big $50 million jackpot last night. When I saw that there had been four winners, I said to myself "Well, surely, one of them must be me." But, alas, no.

I don't get it. I bought not one, but TWO tickets, and I still didn't win. I'm beginning to suspect this lottery thing is fixed. Against me.

The Morning After

All of Canada smokes a post-Obama cigarette.

AH!

Today in $$$ news, not my $$$

There seems to be a big story coming about how a Swiss bank is going to release the names of all the American Richie Richs who are using this Swiss bank to hide their money.

Call me dumb (please, don't) but hasn't this always been the whole point of Swiss banking? That it allows rich people to hide their money.

Which Swiss genius decided to destroy their whole banking-based economy by making it transparent?

Unless I am totally misunderstanding this story, somebody in the Swiss banking industry is dumber than I am.

I'm transferring my millions to the Caymans. So there.

In other money news, today I found I have a dime with King George on it. It's from 1938. That's pretty old. Maybe if I keep it for 20 more years (but not in a Swiss vault, they will squeal on me, those squealers) it will be worth 25 cents. My retirement fund.

He'll be here soon

The current left-handed President of the United States is scheduled to land in Ottawa at 10:30.

Ottawa is only two hours from Montreal. Will I feel the Earth move? Oh the excitement!

Another b-day today

All of us February babies (and babes! ha!) are used to a little inclement weather on our birthdays.

So this year Mrs. Anon gets a snowy one for sure. I'll bet she was awake and alert at 6:25 to hear her best friend forever, Pascal, give the birthday forecast for today.

Happy B-Day young chickie. (You're still not catching up to us. This is unfair.)

Meanwhile...South of the Border...First in a Series

Ah, beautiful Puerto Vallarta, a sun and pleasure paradise, where the Speedo is still the bathing suit of choice, worn by those who should be wearing kaftans...but, fortunately, also by hot-bodied hunks who managed to induce some ogle-drool all over the front of my Hawaiian-Tropic-# 8-scented chest...and if that weren't enough, PV is also the land of the papas friedas (potato chips). Let's face it, a vacation without chips is like Alec Baldwin with a shaved body or a 98 lb Jean-Claude Van Damme...utterly and completely pointless.

First on the week's purchase were Chips à la Diabla...They were not as hot as hell, as one might be led to believe, but when it comes to taste...ai-yi-yi, have the Mexicans got it down pat. As the package states "suculentament diferentes" (and no, that does not mean "suck slowly"). These bites of mucho happiness tasted akin to our ketchup chips, but with an added kick (Devil's Ketchup might have been a more suitable name) These chips (libre de acidos grasos trans) were a true treat and a wonderful way to welcome the week. Granted, copious amounts of sun, sea, and alcohol will easily lower anyone's standards...nonetheless, on the Mexican el wang-o-metro, these papas rate a muy grande ocho ( 8 ) inches...and will have you screaming with suculentamente.

The second day's purchase had to be eaten on day three, due to a gorge fest of deliciousness at a local restaurant...Bag # 2 were named Chip-Otles (and were a chipotle and cheese flavour). How clever these Mexicans were to spot the word "chip" in "chipotle" (I know I never did) and turn it into an ingenius marketing campaign. A double olé for our friends down south. Upon opening the bag, I was blinded by the chemically-red seasoning that covered every inch of these crunchers (note: not necessarily a bad thing.) My first bite immediately brought to mind a spicy Doritos with a hint of smoky flavour. My travelling companion thought they tasted like hotdogs. Obviously, the heat and beer were wrecking havoc on someone's taste buds. Confusion and discussion ensued. There we were in Mexico, experiencing our own McLaughlin Group moment, exchanging opinions and spewing accusations faster than Life is a Rock (But the Radio Rolled Me) is sung. Unable to come to a firm decision, these chips on el wang-o-metro rate a 7.5...or a 6...or a 4.5...who knows? Perhaps a second bag is required for retesting purposes, but until then they remain an enigma...much like Little Richard.

Magical Mushroom Birthday

Happy Birthday to Ms Mushrooms, who is unfortunately not availabe to receive b-day greetings from the Internets, as her computer died over the weekend, and she is back in the Stone Age of computerlessness.

Oh well. In addition, in Mushrooms news, she broke her ankle last week (old ladies do these things) and is in a cast for the next 4 to 6 weeks. So best wishes for a speedy recovery in the "Robocast", too.

She's having a great February!

Er...um...

Hate to be the old Nervous Nelly again, but the TSX is down over 280 points and the Dow is down over 250. And this is not making any kind of headlines anywhere. Apparently for the Dow this is the lowest it has been in a decade.

We're at that point, now, aren't we? When plunging markets don't even raise an eyebrow. Billions, trillions, whatever. Money is so abstract, it means nothing to us anymore. I'm going to buy some of that rust-proof paint, and paint my green wheelbarrow. I want it to be real shiny and pretty when I push it over to IGA, loaded with worthless currency, to buy a loaf of bread.

Meanwhile the whole planet has worked itself into a tizzy (smelling salts for all!) over some 13-year-old kid in Britain who fathered a child. O the humanity.

I'm thinking of taking up whiskey-drinking. Whiskey just seems like the kind of liquor I'm going to need as society slips into Great Depression 2.0. Something that will knock me out cold.

Arriba

Nuestro amigo, el JAW Fan, has returned from vacation, and I am told Mexican chip reviews will be forthcoming. Muy caliente! etc. etc. Ay yi yi, I have now exhausted my espanol. (And I can't find the right Alt-number key-combo to make the tilde over the n.) oh well.

Term of the Day

In work-related news, I'm reading a document that makes reference to "body orifice security scanners".

Two things:

1. Will I ever reach a level of maturity where this doesn't make me giggle?

2. Why do I immediately imagine a scene where George Costanza has been subjected to one of these things?

Wimp Alert

After a few on-line chats over the weekend, I know I should've dumped Kumar this weekend. But I just couldn't do it on-line.

Is it hopelessly 20th Century of me to feel that dumping has to happen face-to-face? We've already had so many on-line chats that descended into arguments because of misunderstanding of tone and jokes that I just couldn't do the deed.

Now, I'm mad at myself and depressed. This is like being a kid and playing with a loose tooth. Just fiddling away, twisting it, instead of yanking the thing out once and for all. What a milquetoast I am. (I do believe that is the first time I have used this word on the blog, and I'm almost at 2,000 posts. It was far overdue. Such a great word.)

His excuse for not showing up today is that he got fatigued, and then developed some kind of rash, and went to the emergency at the CLSC where they told him he had a skin "reaction" to some form of wood. This after spending last night working in the family garage with his dad. It's such an elaborate tale of woe, in my wimpiness, and against my better judgement, I'm prone to believe him, but when I do, I loathe myself. He said: "When I come to see you, it's to have fun, not to make you sick". Indeed.

In other news, he claims he has got a job in Dubai, and is moving there is April. I'm thinking if I can just hang on until April without killing him, this whole silly affair will be over. If I don't make it to April, he won't get to "Dubai" and I'll be in jail for assault and battery and/or attempted homicide.

Meow

Mr. Jaws had his follow-up today. His stitches are still in place. They will dissolve eventually, but are still holding firm for now. The swelling in his jaw is down significantly. 10 more days of antibiotics should leave him good as new.

He was well-behaved throughout his exam. I was not forced to play the embarrassed parent. He is such a good-natured fellow. He brings joy to all he encounters.

Weird thing. There is an assistant working at this vet who is the most androgynous person I have ever seen. Been thinking about him/her all day, and I still can't decide this person's gender. He/she held onto Mr. Jaws while the vet spritzed his gums. I held on too, so I was right next to this person, actually touching arm-to-arm, and I kept glancing at him/her, and I just couldn't be sure. The voice, the arms, the hands, the hair, the chest, nothing could give me a clue. It's Pat!

Smart Alec

I hate to be blogging about Alec Baldwin in JAW Fan's absence, but I have watched 30 Rock for the past two weeks, and that man is hilarious. Last week, he was a scream as a Mexican soap opera character called the Generalissimo, and this week he was in church pretending to recite the Our Father but actually whispering into his cell phone trying to change a dinner reservation.

You had to be there. Trust me, it was hysterical.

Then he was in the confessional. More hilarity. (Well, maybe only for Catholics.)

Brrrr, as predicted

Winter has returned. I found the wind to be bitterly cold this morning. No snow, however. Which is a good thing.

Seems like this is a holiday weekend for everybody on the continent except us. In the USA it's Presidents Day. What is it called in other provinces? Heritage Day? Family Day? In Quebec, it is well known that we are ANTI-family, or so I always hear, so no Family Day for us.

Why not just call it Winter-Break-to-stop-people-from-killing-themselves-from-depression Day. We could all use it.

A three-day weekend should mean that Kumar will make his way down the 401 for a visit. If he does not show up, he is toast. And I really mean it this time. Really! Even if he does make it, he will be informed that while he may not be quite toast yet, he is in the toaster and my finger is poised on the button.

Pre-Valentine's Day Special

I have a good friend here who is in (what the rest of us think is) a terrible relationship. It has been going on for 13 years, and the basic problem is money. She saves it, and he spends it. They have come close to bankruptcy once, have been audited by Revenue Canada, and she has lent him over $250,000 over the course of time for his business. And as far as I know, never got any of it back. She refinanced the house to pay off Rev Canada. And now with tax time coming, they are on the brink again. She pays the mortgage and all the bills, and we don't know what happens to the money he makes. He's a general contractor. She makes the same money as I do. She has now lost two friendships because they were friends who hired him to do work on their houses and there have been accusations of overcharging, shoddy work etc. All the while she is defending what a good and honest man he is, too trusting of his clients and claims he is the one getting shafted by people who won't pay.

It is so distressing because we are watching him drag her into bankruptcy. And yet the worse it gets, the more she defends him. This week it's like she has dug in her heels for a final battle. He can do no wrong. It's incredible to watch. The worst combination of a woman who will give and give and give to save her relationship and a predatory man who will take and take and take because he can. We are all upset about it, but then we realize that it is precisely because she is like this that he is with her. He may love her (?), but he also knows that he can control her and preys on her insecurity. This woman is 50 years old, not 20. It is so incredibly depressing. Do we learn nothing over the course of our lives, or do we just make the same mistakes over and over?

All of us single (or, ahem, semi-single) gals are wondering: is this what is takes to keep a man?

Job news, endless

Someone sent me a vacancy announcement for an Editor job in Geneva today.

Geneva strikes me as one small notch above Siberian exile. Not as cold, but just as bleak and dull.

But, never-say-die trooper that I am, I'm going to apply anyway. What the heck. On-line applications are just too easy.

But....Switzerland has both good chocolate and cheese. And it's near Italy. Which has pasta and the Azzurri. Hmmm.

Is it warm around here, or is it me?

Temperatures are above freezing today. I did not wear boots to work for the first time in 3 months because the sidewalk is free and clear of snow and ice. I did not wear a hat.

I may do a little Dance of Joy.

Tomorrow's forecast: rain, turning to freezing rain, turning to snow a.k.a. winter as usual.

Respite only lasts a day. I'll take it.

Tell me something good

Here is a sure sign that there is far too much economic news on the news these days. I'm developing a crush on the Governor of the Bank of Canada.

Every night the news is about money, jobs, recession. And there he is, on my teevee all the time, his sympathetic blue eyes peering into my bank account, telling me that the recession will be shorter than what everyone else says.

I so want to believe you, Mark Carney, you and your sincere blue eyes.

Yakkity Yak

I'm watching Prez O's press conference.

Oh my god! He talks so much. Shut up, Barry. You talk too much. My god. Shut up already.

How he does go on...and he's using words that have more than two syllables. We are not used to such things. I'm overwhelmed.

Are we going to see "House" tonight or what? I fear not. We have nothing to fear but Barry talking until we have all cried Uncle and given up.

I wonder if Michelle ever gets a word in at the dinner table. Ever. Only if Barry doesn't talk with his mouth full. That's her opportunity to jump in.

I Warned Him

This is the kind of story I get to post in JAW Fan's absence. I thought only Canadians were meeting their maker in Mexico, but so are Americans!

More than 200 American citizens have been killed since 2004 in Mexico's escalating wave of violence, amounting to the highest number of unnatural deaths in any foreign country outside military combat zones, according to the U.S. State Department. (MSNBC)

Outside the combat zone. A weird way to put it.

Still, it would've been enjoyable to antagonize him with this before he left. But I'm sure he had enough on his mind just willing the plane to the stay in the air through the sheer force of his mind. His poor better-half. I think if you listen closely you can hear them bickering from here.

Mexico can try its best to be nasty and scary, but it is not even close to scoring the Top Spot in my Worst Country in the World standings. Pakistan will be difficult to unseat.

Maybe, maybe not, possibly

I saw Doubt on the weekend. A very good movie for all Catholics and Catholic wanna-be’s. This latter group being a very small exclusive clique. In fact I only know one*.

I had seen the play 2 years ago, and I guess because the playwright also directed the movie, it kept the same tone. I thought it was very cleverly written because if you think the priest is guilty as sin, then everything he says makes you think “Entitled creep! Arrogant!” but if you think the priest is innocent, everything he says is reasonable and fair in the circumstances.

I still dunno if he done it.

As for Sister Aloyisius. Well, let’s just say she’s represents the kind of Catholic who must be thrilled to have Benny XVI in the top job now. At last. That John XXIII was a heretic.

*Note to wanna-be Catholic: You could just convert, you know. It could add a little spice to your life. heh. Spice and iconography.

Fire Down Under

Wow, the death toll from Australia's wild fires is up to 84.

I could not figure out how so many people could get caught in the fire, but I read in the NY Times this morning that some people died "trying to escape the fires in their cars". Yikes!

Bon Voyage

Have fun in Mexico, JAW Fan, and try not to get yourself murdered like a number of Canadians have managed to do lately.

More importantly, have you been practicing these handy phrases: Dondé estan los chipos por favor? Tiene chipos de la dillo? Yumo, yumo, estos ketchupo chipos son muy deliciosos.

People are stupid, Part XXXIX

Everyone in Canada is in a tizzy over the 60-year-old woman in Alberta who gave birth to twins. "But she's ooooold" everyone is screaming. Turns out she went to India to get in vitro fertilization, but had the babies here (where Canadian tax-payers can pay for her foolishness).

But 60 is no big deal, I have learned. MSNBC reports today on a 70-year-old woman in India who had a baby, and she is the second 70-year-old to have a baby in India.

Which leads to the question: what the hell is wrong with Indian doctors? Are they all insane?

Worse thing is, the new 70-year-old mom, after 50 years of trying to have a kid, ended up having a girl. Does that mean she's going to have to kill her because daughters are lousy since they can't provide for you in your old age? Back to the old fertility board. If you don't have a son the first time, try, try, again.

B-Day Alert

Happy Birthday to Mr. Anonymous!

Long may he reign.

One down, one to go

I will not be getting an interview for the job I went to New York for last October. What really pisses me off is that they won't give any details on why not:

Quote
On the basis of the results of the written examination, I regret to inform you that you will not be convoked to the interview. Kindly note that this decision of the Board of Examiners is final. We are not in a position to give any feedback, nor do we release individual scores/results.
Unquote

Fine, go ahead, don't convoke me! I don't need your stinkin' convocation. But at least tell me how I did. Did I do so-so, is it worth trying again, or is my exam being sent around the department for laughs? It would be nice to know something... anything.
Assholes!

Nanuk is not a nurse

If anyone has any tips on how to get a syringe of medicine down the throat of a flailing, squirming cat (who has claws), kindly send them along.

One trick I will be using tonight is to wrap Mr. Jaws in a blanket like a mummy, that way I will only be battling his bobbing, ducking and weaving head, and not his wild paws and kung-fu style back kicks.

Yes, this morning's dose was quite the ordeal.

Jaws .....Doo Doo, Doo Doo

I did not bring Mr. D home last night because he was still high as a kite when I got to the vet at 6:00. Turns out surgery did not last 1 hour, but 3 hours because he has a broken jaw.

I knew something serious had happened when I heard that crash in the basement.

Anyway, I am picking him up this afternoon. He cannot have his jaw immobilized because he doesn't have any teeth left to attach any dental equipment to, so it will have to slowly heal on its own. This is truly nutty. He will be on soft food for quite a while, but, knowing his feisty nature, I expect him to be acting normal, if not feeling normal, pretty quickly.

No vacation for me this year. I is a poor girl.

The Book of Love is long and boring

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, here’s one for the Romantics.

Last weekend, Kumar expressed his fear that I was “falling in love” with him. I assured him I was not, his being a great guy, etc., etc., notwithstanding. Good Canadians always love a chance to use the notwithstanding clause.

Now this is the kind of discussion women love, and men get glazed-over looks about. Why? Because women analyze something like this to death. Why? Because that’s what we do. It’s what we’re good at. Over-analyzing. Dissecting, Reinterpreting.

Instant female response to Kumar’s comment is to exclaim: “A-ha!! HE is, in true fact, the one falling in love and this is his way of discretely broaching the subject.”

Instant male response to same comment: “Uh, what was the comment, again?”

It was a weird thing for him to say, and we changed the subject quickly thereafter, but it wasn’t any weirder than a couple of weeks ago when he asked me what I thought of having kids. I think his brains are scrambled.

Actually, I think he has successfully managed to completely erase our age difference from his consciousness. Last weekend, he was telling me about his supervisor, who he described as “a very nice woman, but she’s older, around 50”. She makes his coffee for him every morning. Isn’t that nice? he said. I said, sure, but I’m thinking: hey, you old broad, hands off!

Soooo tired

I just wrote a 5 and a half hour exam for the powers-that-be in NY. Man, am I tired.

Two hours of English editing, one and a half hours of writing in English based on a Spanish text, and two hours of comparing an English speech to a French one. My brain is fried. Fortunately I have beer at home. Cerveza a la casa. Biere a la maison.

Now I am awaiting a call from the vet to let me know how Mr. D. did under general anathestic, and to know what time I can go over and pick up my toothless big boy. Life is non-stop fun.

Cat$ co$t Ca$h

Emergency: I had to take Mr. D. to the vet. An incident occurred in the basement yesterday, I know not what it was. I heard only a bang and a crash, and several minutes later, Mr. D. emerged from below, blood on his paws, blood dripping from his mouth.

I cannot imagine what exactly he got himself into.

So emergency visit to the vet today. His gums are swollen, his jaw looks a bit dislocated, and all 4 fangs (or incisors if you prefer a less feral word) have to come out. He's going to look like some old toothless French Canadian. I'll call him "Pepere". He has always had jungle breath that could knock you down in an instant, but now his gums are so infected, he can't go on like this. Gingivitus, and god only knows what else, is lurking in there.

I left him at the vet. They started him immediately on fluids by IV, and on antibiotics, and tomorrow is the multiple extractions. I should have him home again tomorrow evening.

On the bright side, they have already called to inform me that he tested negative for FIV, so he does not have Kitty Aids. This means his auto-immune system is good, and he should recover more quickly from the surgery.

The poor little guy. And me, the POORER little owner. This will easily run over a thousand bucks. But he's worth it!

Bruce is King

I may be biased, but I thought Springsteen's 12-minute, mini-opus was just great. All the excitement of his full-length show super-compressed without losing any of the energy. Neat-o.

Apparently there was a football game surrounding this Big Event. Whatever.

One month of winter over

It's Pre-Groundhog Day! or Groundhog's Eve, if you will.

One month into 2009, let me review my progress on my New Year's Resolutions:

1) Declutter the house. Nothing to report on this front. I just can't throw anything out. I need psychological help in this regard. I'm not quite at the point where I will die pinned under a giant pile of old magazines that topples on top of me, so I still have a bit of breathing room in this regard.

2) Packing a lunch. Yay! Progress. Out of 20 working days, I brought a lunch 6 times. That's 30% of the time. I am amazing! Also, estimating the cost savings at approx. $4.00 per lunch, that's $24.00 saved. I am rich!

3) My unofficial NY's Resolution of losing weight. Also progress. I have lost 5 pounds! I am great! I want my doctor to love me when I see him in March, and I'm on the path to doctor's love. This is not to be confused with Dr. Love.