Thursday, February 12, 2009

Pre-Valentine's Day Special

I have a good friend here who is in (what the rest of us think is) a terrible relationship. It has been going on for 13 years, and the basic problem is money. She saves it, and he spends it. They have come close to bankruptcy once, have been audited by Revenue Canada, and she has lent him over $250,000 over the course of time for his business. And as far as I know, never got any of it back. She refinanced the house to pay off Rev Canada. And now with tax time coming, they are on the brink again. She pays the mortgage and all the bills, and we don't know what happens to the money he makes. He's a general contractor. She makes the same money as I do. She has now lost two friendships because they were friends who hired him to do work on their houses and there have been accusations of overcharging, shoddy work etc. All the while she is defending what a good and honest man he is, too trusting of his clients and claims he is the one getting shafted by people who won't pay.

It is so distressing because we are watching him drag her into bankruptcy. And yet the worse it gets, the more she defends him. This week it's like she has dug in her heels for a final battle. He can do no wrong. It's incredible to watch. The worst combination of a woman who will give and give and give to save her relationship and a predatory man who will take and take and take because he can. We are all upset about it, but then we realize that it is precisely because she is like this that he is with her. He may love her (?), but he also knows that he can control her and preys on her insecurity. This woman is 50 years old, not 20. It is so incredibly depressing. Do we learn nothing over the course of our lives, or do we just make the same mistakes over and over?

All of us single (or, ahem, semi-single) gals are wondering: is this what is takes to keep a man?

5 comments:

cityofmushrooms said...

too sad
and baffling...

Anonymous said...

No.

But there are those who for one reason or another, get into these circular relationships. If she admits he's an ass and bad for her she also has to admitthat she allowed it and made bad choices and may have to be alone. Some people cling to the devil you know is better than no devil at all.

I personally have never been so miserable in my life as wehen in a bad relationship. Being alone has never been that bad.

Oh and this probably makes me a bad person but I had a friend very like this. I ended the friendship because I could not watch the trainwreck any more. Nothing cchanged, and boy you never know when to agree or disagree and it becomes emotionally tiring for friends too.

Nanuk of the North, older but no wiser said...

Yep. I'm losing respect for my friend really fast, and it bugs me because it's not like I have to pay the guy's bills. It shouldn't concern me, but it just makes me so mad to see someone let herself be abused like this. grrrrr.

Anonymous said...

how can she make what you do and have had $250,000 to give him? hello, is there something you're not telling us? um, by the way, we need a new hot water heater, think you could spare some...

Nanuk of the North, older but no wiser said...

Sorry to lead you astray. Her $250,000 was money saved over 20 years of working before she met him. It's not like we can just peel a quick quarter mill out of our paycheques. Unfortunately.