Endings

It's the end of the year. Though already the New Year in Australia! Happy New Year down under!

It being another year down the old drain, it gets me to thinkin'. About...divorce. I'm smiling over the news stories that teenage girls are having the vapours over the divorce of ding dong Katy Perry and unwashed wit Russell Brand. Only teenage girls are optimistic enough and naive enough to have pinned their hopes on a show biz twosome. I, on the other hand, am thinking: wow, it lasted 14 months, that's twice my prediction. Good on them.

On a more serious note. The sister of a friend of mine was dumped by her husband recently. Dumped after 42 years of marriage. 42 years!!! He met another woman. I can't imagine even wanting to get used to being with another person after having been with the same person for 42 years. What is this guy thinking? I've known about this for 3 days and I still can't process it. Does he really wants to adapt to someone else's habits when he's over 65 years old? Really? I'd love to know what goes on in people's heads. Humans are baffling. And doing this knowing it will destroy his wife and alienate his grown children. Jeez. What is behind this? I just don't get humans.

A cat would never walk out like that :)

Year End on the Horizon

Yes, it is almost that time again. Time to make the resolutions. Another year, another dismal failure at improving myself.

True Confessions

I am addicted to watching Storage Wars, both the original and the Texas version.

I hate everybody on it, but I can't stop watching. And stupid A&E keeps having Storage Wars Marathons. And I keep watching them.

One day late

Happy Belated Birthday to JAW Fan. May the upcoming year find you chip-filled, still employed and, of course, in Mexico for 2 weeks.

Happy Festivus

The holiday for the rest of us.

2-second hockey analysis

The Canadiens suck the bag.

9 years already

Joe Strummer died on 22 December 2002. Time, she does fly, eh?

Since he is on my ipod, I find that I still listen to him all the time. Funny, that.

They are dropping like flies

I cannot keep up with the number of famous people dying.

Testing the new toy

Nobody said it was easy to get oneself and a cat in the same frame, playbook or no playbook! Miz Hitler says: As long as I look good, who cares about the human?

For J & J

Thank you for the card. :) Time to play " Spot the Error"

Yesterday on the Hill

Just a quick comment on yesterday's brouhaha in the House of Commons with Trudeau II calling Peter Kent a piece o'shit.

I've been watching Peter Kent since the Kyoto/Durban conference stuff started stirring up, and am I the only one who thinks the guy is drunk all the time? He's so out of it.

Drunk or not, what a loser! This government is full of them. This country is so going down the tubes.

I Am A Modern Man!

I have finally entered the 21st Century. I am now the owner of a "tablet" and not the kind I take for my frequent headaches.

It's a blackberry that I got during the Big Sale when they were discounted by $300. It's cute and, frankly, I will be taking a lot of kitty videos and posting them to YouTube. How useful! it will also be good to have puzzles, etc., and TV shows to watch on the train to the Holy City at Xmas.

Now, is it a good thing that I can carry my email around with me all the time? Probably not, but this apparently is how "we" live now. So there you have it.

Next up, a "smart" phone. Or if not a "smart" phone, at least one that looks recent and is not embarrassing to whip out in a public place.

Something I will regret for the rest of my life (probably)

Fancy Feast wants to come back to Montreal, but he can't stay with me unless he has a job.

Today I sent him the link to my employer's website so he can be put on a roster for IT consultancy work. In the unlikely event that he would be hired, I would have Fancy Feast in my life 24 hours a day! Oh, the possibilities.

Finally

My boss announced officially today that she is leaving in June.

Do I apply for the job or don't I?

I want the $$$, not the responsiblity.

Woman behaving badly? Or "completely normal"?

Yesterday I blogged about a quarrelsome 19th Century Englishwoman. Allow me to update the crime blotter with this local story from last month.

This story raises only one question from me: What country is she from?

"A 45-year-old NDG woman was sent a $37 ticket under Westmount’s “good morals and decency” by-law after being found completely naked in a parked car behind Westmount city hall November 19 at 3:36 am, Westmount Public Security officials said. The woman was described as “being intimate” with a fully-clothed man, the driver.

Both were described as “so occupied” they never noticed the patroller on the scene for some five minutes awaiting back-up. Once they did, they drove off but stopped nearby. As the public safety officer spoke to them, she reported that the woman, still undressed, kept “giggling” and stated that being naked was “completely normal” in her country. It was not known to what country she was referring.

Police also attended and checked out the driver."

"Very quarrelsome"

This was reprinted in the Guardian on line today, from their archives of 1862.

"Elizabeth Woolley was charged with throwing a quantity of vitriol at one Margaret Johnson, in Manchester, on the 8th of October last, with intent to do bodily harm. The Jury found the prisoner guilty, and the Judge sentenced her to nine months' hard labour. It appeared that the prisoner was, when sober, a very orderly woman; but she was very much addicted to drink, and, when under its influence, she was very quarrelsome."

I know a few women who are, when sober, very orderly, but when under the influence of drink, well, if not quarrelsome, at least very loud.

In today's news: Our gang of lady friends from work had our Xmas dinner and sing-along last night. There was drink. No vitriol was thrown.

Drift Away

Dobie Gray died. The only song of his I know is Drift Away.

As a kid, I thought this was a really boring song. A callow youth was I. I heard it on the radio a couple of months ago, and wow, has that song ever changed. It is now such a great song. Who knew a song could change like that?

In other celeb death news, Harry Morgan died. He was 96. Ancient.

Belated Baldwin News

I was very busy at work today and did not have time to comment on our friend Alec getting tossed off a flight for basically being an obnoxious, unruly passenger.

How hard is it to put a phone away when the lights go "ding"? Put the phone away, man.

In JAW Fan's fantasy, I'd imagine, this unruly passenger incident led to a strip search conducted by....JAW Fan, transport security agent!

In the Spirit of Christmas

This manger MUST BE DESTROYED (maniacal kitty laugh)

We Start Young

"Quebec's $7-a-day public daycare program, considered a landmark piece of legislation in the province and a potential model for the rest of the country, is being probed for possible corruption. The announcement comes after the province's auditor general reported irregularities in the awarding of contracts for 18,000 subsidized daycare spaces." (CBC News)

Quebec! Where even the daycares are corrupt! *sigh*

(The auditor general's first clue was video of Paulie Walnuts leading the kids through Inky Dinky Spider.)

Christmas time in near

Well, it's December 1 and if you have not already commenced your Xmas shopping, it's time to get to it.

Of course, everybody wants one of these. Buy them in bulk.

Curmudgeons!

The weirdest news story of the weekend was those two 70+ year old former CFL players who got into a fist fight, or more precisely a shoving match and cane-swinging battle, over a lingering bitterness from the 1963 Grey Cup game.

Now this is grudge holding I can get behind!

My father, possibly the world's greatest and most long-lasting grudge holder, would've loved these guys.

Reminds me of an incident I did not witness, but my bro-in-law brings up every now and then. He was car shopping with my dad, and they were approached by a young German clerk in the showroom who wanted to show them a Volkswagen, and my father yelled Nein! Nein! and walked out. Yes, he could be a nut sometimes. Fortunately, he did not have a cane to swing at the guy. But he could hold a grudge.

Today's Obits

I see that Ken Russell died. Should we all swim around in baked beans in his honour? I dunno. Perhaps JAW Fan will wrestle nude instead.

More interesting to me, is that Stalin's daughter died, age 85. I'm sure I'm not the only one who read that who thought, Stalin had a daughter who was still alive AND living in the US? Who knew? I read her life story in the NY Times. Pretty sad and confused. You can't choose your parents!

Sunday afternoon at the movies

I saw the Muppet movie yesterday. It is pretty cute and entertaining, but I have one serious, major complaint.

During the scene where the Muppets band together to rebuild their dilapidated theatre, they sing "We Built This City on Rock-n-Roll". This pretty well disqualifies a movie from getting a thumbs-up from me.

I share this because that awful song has been in my head all morning, and I want to put it into someone else's head. And I hope that I have now achieved this.

Today in Booze News

I took the day off, as it is snowing and I have lots of vacation days. I have just come in from shovelling the walk and my cheeks are rosy.

Last week, I "acquired" a bottle of Jack Daniel's, which I have never tasted before (to my failing memory).

So I figured why not take a shot of JD to warm up. Heck, it's after noon, right? So I just did. I took a sip and literally said "whoa". It's really strong in the throat, but then, it's weird. It does not burn the way scotch does. It's sweet and warm. I like it!

Cut to: 4:00 p.m. Nanuk under a pile of papers asleep in the midst of drunken decluttering.

Here we go

Another season of "fun" commences.
(This is where Susieq leaves a comment telling us it is 36 degrees in Melbourne....)

Today in "Olde" Person News

On the weekend, my friend the Tall Teacher (age 31) was over. He pointed to an old stereo I have and said "what's that?" In his defense it was buried under other things, hoarder-style.

I said it's an old stereo. It was my father's. I kept it because it was the only one we had that played 78's.

He asked (you guessed it) "What are 78's?"

I said 78 rpm records. Vinyl. And I showed him one. He'd never heard of 78's. I showed him a couple. Very heavy vinyl, bigger than an 45, one song per side. He said: one song only? That's not very environmentally friendly.

I love that. Who thought about the "environment" in the days of 78's?

FF Monday Report

I spoke to Fancy Feast yesterday, and as expected, he asked if he could move back. I said No Income, No Belmore.

Then he explained that he still has an income. He is working for the same company "remotely" from home. (Aside: That is MY dream, but it will never happen for me.) He is part-time now, 20 hours per week, but said he would request to be brought up to full time, 40 hours. Then, working remotely, he could move back to Montreal. Apparently, the company has a guy working full-time remotely from Saskatchewan right now, so it can be done. My skepticism was palpable.

He said he has five choices of where he would like to live.

1. Vancouver
2. Victoria (because he loves both these cities and "knows people there")
3. Ottawa (home)
4. Montreal (me)
5. Winnipeg. Now Winnipeg is only an option because when he was hitch-hiking West this summer he stopped there for a bit and met these two sisters who invited him to stay overnight and before he said anything else he said "Don't Judge Me!"

Ah, Fancy Feast. I think my sister summed it up best when she said "Don't let that goof back in your house".

FF update

Fancy Feast is working part-time from home until the end of the year. This is not ideal. He is thinking it is time to move "back east".

He won't take a full time job that pays less than $60 grand. Even in Calgary that is not easy when you are as unbalanced as he is. *sigh*

He wants me to call him to have "a chat". We all know what this means, right?

I love this

The Guardian website today has an article about knitting dolls of your fave Olympic athlete. Now I like Usain Bolt as much as the next person does, but why would I want to do this? It's so silly.

Romantic Male Box: Non-Insane Edition

I met someone new over the weekend, and he is not insane and does not suspect that I am an electronic rapist. So ssshhhh! okay?

Anyway, I know there are some who are still mourning the non-starter that was the mystery man from Huntingdon, but perhaps this will be a bit o'balm on that wound.

This fellow is from Laval. (Yeah, I know, ewwww Laval.) When I told him I was originally from V'Field, he asked whereabouts in V'Field. I said: You know V'Field? And then he said he used to have a girlfriend who was from....wait for it....St. Polycarpe. And then he dated another woman from....Riviere Beaudette. And he knew someone (a relative? I can't remember) who was a psychiatrist at the V'Field hospital. And he has been to Parc Sauve to watch the Regattes a few times. (Unlike me.) So when I said we lived about halfway between the hospital and the Laroque Bridge, he knew it. Weird.

So I asked him if he had a thing for women from that part of the world? He just laughed. Guess so.

Good Neighbours

I took the afternoon off. Came home and did lots of yard work. It being Wednesday, the Publi Sac fliers are being delivered.

As I was raking I saw the Publi Sac guys go by, so I went to the front porch and retrieved my bag. But today there were TWO bags. The second bag contained a free roll of toilet paper! Something of actual value.

It was about 3:00 p.m. and nobody was around. The CPN was not home, nor were his neighbours across the street or next door to him. Nor was my across-the-street neighbour. i.e. No Witnesses.

So I walked next door and stole the CPN's free roll of toilet paper. Yep! I did it. And I can't stop grinning about it. Winter's coming and he's going to piss me off for another snow shovelling season, so hey, there's no harm is taking a bit of advance revenge. Nyeh, nyeh.

The eternal dilemma

Yesterday I was so happy because I read the story of the woman in Newfoundland who is 106 years old and eats pizza and fries. My hero.

But then today I see that the fat aptly-named rapper Heavy D dropped dead at age 44.

You can't win. Statistically speaking I'd imagine that for every 106-year-old pizza-eating woman, there are ten fatties not making it to 50. Sigh.

Presently Occupied

It's a perfect fall day, so I took a few minutes to stroll at lunch time.

I hadn't yet seen the Occupy Montreal campground, even though they are set up only one block away from work. So I went by. They seem very orderly and quiet. A few passersby, checking out their signs and posters, but overall not much happening.

I hope it stays that way.

Romantic Male Box - Sunday Morning Lunatic Edition

Over the past week, I had been emailing a 40-something fellow, with a possibility of meeting up. He seemed okay, but on his end, he shared far more intimate details than I did. It was a bit odd, but certainly not that unusual for a Craigslist posting.

On Wednesday, I asked him to provide a photo and I would send one in return. He said he didn't have his phone with him, so he would send one the next day. He didn't. The next day he asked if we could set up a day and time for a date. I said, okay, but I thought "no photo, no date, Jack".

We decided on Sunday at 7.On Friday I asked him once again to provide a pic. He wrote back one line: "You send one first and I'll return the favour. Thanks." At that point I decided screw you, I don't need this game. One thing I know about CL, if the guy doesn't happily send a photo, something is fishy. Usually, he's married. So I said I am suspicious of you and I am no longer interested in meeting.
Well...then I got a photo. He was not at all attractive to me, so I was kind of relieved that I'd already dropped out.

But then last night came the ranting. Did you know I am an evil person who only lures men over the internet with no intention of ever meeting them? I should inform Fancy Feast and Smoothie of this. I'm sure they have no idea I am such an evil fake.

But the best line was that he had shared intimate details and I had "electronically raped" him. Yikes! I'm an electronic rapist. Who knew? Should I register with the police? Electronically?

I ignored that rant but then this morning, he sent me the same rant again from a different email account. So I wrote back and said he had confirmed my suspicions that he was a drama queen and I was very glad that I had chosen not to meet him.

Well...you know what I am now? A "scumbag". And I am NEVER to contact him AGAIN!
I'm glad I have a good nut job detector. (Well, except for FF, of course, but he's a safe nut job. He is a risk only to my wallet.)

Andy Rooney died

and the world is a little less cranky today.

The Biebs

I figured I can't let the week end without one comment on the Bieber Baby story.

Kid, there is only one man who can tell you how to deal with a) your celebrity and b) endless babes throwing themselves at you. And that man's name is Gene Simmons. Seek him out. Listen to him. You will have the best life evah!

Job opportunity

I see that the 90-year-old American churchy nut who twice predicted the world would end this year and was wrong both times, or so it seems, has resigned.

Clearly, two big mistakes in the same year would result in a negative performance review from his boss, God.

I want that job. I can predict wrongly with the best of them. I'll pick a date and ask gullible fools to support my ministry. I'll giggle as I watch them give away all their belongings. Then when the day passes uneventfully, I'll say sorry and go back to my predicting, but I'll wait a year because I don't want two mistakes in the same year.

Pre-Winter Freezing Over of Hell

Two days ago, I got a long tale-of-woe email from Fancy Feast that he was dead broke, and the payroll dept had messed up his pay and he had no money until Wednesday. I ignored that email because if ever there was an "Intro to Asking for Money in the Next E-Mail" that was it.

Yesterday, I heard from him again but only to argue about my thoughtlessness in not FedExing him 2 (yes, 2) loaves of olive bread. I said, it ain't gonna happen, let it go, etc. And that drama seems over.

But now, lo and behold, I have just received another email, saying that he did receive his pay and he is ready to send me $100 to begin repaying his debt. Of course, saying he's going to repay and actually repaying are two different things, but given all of debt woes of the past two days, I am rather shocked by the offer. Maybe he's going to want to trade the $100 for olive bread? I don't trust him.

Hair, Beautiful Hair

There is an advertisement in the Metro that makes me laugh every morning.

It is for wigs. It pictures a man and a woman, both with thought bubbles imagining how they would look in a great wig. The woman is fine. Let us assume she'd like to look more like Lady Gaga, whatever.

But the guy is looking wistfully up and both the images of him in a wig are laughably sleeeezy. And he's not even bald. I love the idea of a decent-looking guy thinking "Man, I wish I looked like a total sleaze bag."

The World Series - Go Cards!

I've had a cold all week, so I went to bed around the 6th inning of last night's game. Texas had just gone ahead 5-4, and I thought the very idea of seeing George W's team win the World Series would just make me sicker, so I turned off the t.v.

This morning I read this:

"It was as great a game as baseball has ever witnessed, rivaling the Carlton Fisk homer in Game 6 of the 1975 Series and Bill Buckner's error in Game 6 of the 1986 Series. "

My motto: Life is what happens after I've gone to bed.

This being said, I would not have wanted to stay up to watch 11 innings. My nerves! Anyway I am happy to see there's a Game 7 tonight, and I really, really hope George W goes home disappointed.

More FF

I told FF that I had recently started using the breadmaker I bought way back in April. In particular, I mentioned that I was very happy with the olive bread I made on the weekend.

I have now received 2 emails requesting that I send him a loaf of olive bread by FedEx. I said no. Nothing personal, but I don't FedEx bread to anyone, anywhere.

What kind of person thinks he can convince someone to send bread across the country by courier?

Finally, a Fancy Feast Update

FF is quitting his job. We can't be surprised. It's been a whole 7 weeks!

He says there is too much overtime, and he feels like "a mule". But...he claims he has another job lined up already. Calgary, magical city of jobs.

I think it is time to start the countdown toward the inevitable "I'm homesick and I want to come back" email. I say it will arrive in early in November.

Out with the Old, in with the New

In a nice bit of foreshadowing, two weeks ago we received a notice to all staff that the name of Libya is now "Libya."

I was disappointed. I always liked writing "Libyan Arab Jamahiriya" once I finally got the hang of spelling Jamahiriya correctly. When am I ever going to use that knowledge again? ....waiting for another Arab strongman to surface...

The Circle of Life

With the death news out of the way, let us focus on international baby news.

Creepy little French president Sarkozy and his beautiful wife (Carla, she of questionable taste in men) had a baby girl. Congratulations to them. I'm sure I speak for all of humanity when I say I hope the baby looks like her. Mazel tov.

No Mo' Mo

He said he'd go down fighting and it appears he did. Graphic photo on the Gazette website. This will make him a hero for generations of people who will want to fight "Western imperialism".

Alas, Mo, he stuck around for a good long time. Reagan bombed Libya in 1985 or 1986. And still Mo hung around.

If I had a power-blue jumpsuit, I would wear it in his honour. But I don't. And now I guess I never will.

I'm on my soap box

Just a quick rant about that crash at the Indy race yesterday and the driver who was killed. There were a few quotes in the paper today from other drivers saying things like "I can't believe this happened!" etc.

Excuse me. But you are in a job where at any given race, there is a certain percentage of ghouls, I mean spectators, who have specifically bought tickets in the hope of witnessing exactly what happened: a fiery death crash. Best. Race.Ever.

Hope they all captured it on their cell phone cameras. That's a big appeal of this sport.

And drivers are surprised that this accident happened? How ridiculous. Rant over.

Running Man

A 100-year-old man completed the Toronto Marathon yesterday. Hmmm. What did I do yesterday?

1. Did not complete a marathon.
2. Walked 1 1/2 blocks to the mall TWICE.

The man weighs only 115 lbs. Maybe the wind carried him? If I understand the story correctly, he started jogging at age 80. So I guess I've got 30 years before I need to start thinking about getting in shape. Phew. Had me worried there.

Saturday night at the movies

We went to see Ides of March last night. I enjoyed it, but was a bit disappointed that it wasn't meatier given the great cast. Perhaps my enjoyment was tarnished by listening to Smoothie declare how old Gorgeous George is looking.

It's true. Our cohort, George, is showing his age. But that's okay. I mean, he's 50. He's old. We're old. That's life.

Smoothie's other complaint was...get this!....too much Ryan Gosling! As if. He said it was 50% Ryan Gosling and 5% percent of everybody else.

And the problem is....?

Nation of Wimps

There's currently a rainfall warning for the island of Montreal. A rainfall warning.

When did we become such pansies that we need a warning about rain.

Snowstorm warning, I get. Freezing rain, I get. Extreme cold, I get. But rain?

Jeez, take an umbrella! Wear trendy colourful rubber boots. This isn't Bangkok, we are not up to our armpits in water.

Just overheard at my desk

Two colleagues pass each other in the hallway.

Colleague 1: Hey, you look different today!
Colleague 2: Yes, I do.

She keeps walking away. Then

Colleague 2: Casual.


Am I in a Beckett play?
Yes, I am.

Just Stop It Already

Why are the Americans jonesing for another war in the Middle East? I mean, really, this will be their third. Gluttons.

Just when I think Obama a.k.a Black Bush can't get any more disappointing he ratchets up the Bushiness. This is stuff to warm the cockles of Cheney's cold, cold heart, if he still had one.

I hate to go all "Mom" on them, but if you haven't finished your Soup War and your Meat-and-Potatoes War, you can't have your Dessert War. That's just the rules.

Excuse me while I go check if there is an Iranian terrorist in my closet. Apparently they are everywhere. Everywhere, I tells ya. Save the Saudis!!

Is No News Good News?

Anyone have any news? I don't.

Celebrity Death News - Niche Edition

Our dear friend, Charles Napier,
Didn’t have a wit so rapier,
But in Cherry, Harry & Raquel
We saw his wang swing like a bell.

Hee Hee

I got up late this morning and knew I was going to be late for work, but so what. I would just put in the time at the end of the day. Then I was on the bus ride from hell. What should take 35 minutes took 55. So by the time I crawled in I was 40 minutes late.

Then I found out my boss isn't in this morning.

This is my Lucky Day!! and, no, I am not putting in the time at the end of the day.

A Joke

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

You know what I love about this joke. The premise. Two cannibals are eating a clown.

I mean...What?

Endless Summer No More

Summer has ended and I am hoping that it will be June 2012 before I once again have to read either of the following phrases:

a) [insert celebrity name] rocks a bikini;
and
b) [insert celebrity name] shows off her bikini body.

Why is the bikini the only item of clothing that, when one is wearing it, one's whole body becomes that item. I don't get it. I think all clothes should now have this honour. I want to see this headline:

"Nanuk of the North flaunts her muumuu body"

Oh yeah, baby.

The Man from H'don

This is just to clarify that the man from H'don did not at all come across as a loser.

His message was very polite and in fact I don't think I would've even noticed him if he hadn't mentioned V'field. That may sound negative, but in the world of Craigslist that's a positive. It means he didn't send me a photo of his wiener (yes, I've gotten some choice shots in the past) and he didn't say write some eye-rolling nonsense like "allow me to make this the greatest night of your life".

So don't be dissing on the Mystery Man from the Chateauguay Valley.

I think we could probably locate him now by just driving over there and looking for the guy with the reddest ears in town.

Comrades!

I am in the midst of doing some rainy Sunday decluttering, and I have come across a piece of paper containing the title DRINK MANIFESTO.

Odd, but I don't remember us being militant drinkers. Were we ever militant drinkers?

Our DRINK MANIFESTO has 3 drinks on it:
1. Cosmopolitain Martini
2. Cosmopolitain No. 3
3. Fidelito

Now I don't want to toss out this piece of paper. That's the whole problem with decluttering. You always find something good!

P.S. To JAW Fan: I also found a picture of Banana Boy.

Romantic Male Box: Uh-Oh Edition

What an awful weekend. Could the weather be more miserable? I doubt it.

Last night I was bored, so I decided to place an ad on my old friend Craigslist and see if anyone of interest surfaced. Very little to report, though I did hear from a guy who lives on Mariette so if location, location, location is the key, I can't do better than that. But his lifestyle bears too close a resemblance to Fancy Feast's (i.e. POT) so I don't think I'll meet him.

I exchanged a few emails with one guy who seemed educated and promising, but then he mentioned that his ideal woman would be thin, nervous and an activist. 3 strikes, you're out.

Then I heard from a guy who said he lived in the V'Field area. Well, this piqued my interest because I still love V'Field and wouldn't it be fun to meet someone from there? He is 49. So I asked him where exactly he is from and he replied: "H'don". Yikes. So I had to ask if he attended CVR, and he said yes. I decided this was a bit too odd. So this mystery man was a year behind me in high school, and still lives in H'don. For sure, this is someone that the Anonymous siblings know. Too close for comfort. So I had to let it drop, though I am very curious as to who it is. He emailed this morning to ask if I'd reconsidered. I think not.

All is Golden

I'll admit I've been ignoring Parliament now that the PCs have their majority, but I can ignore it no longer. I have one question.

When did Question Period go Gay, Gay, Totally Gay?

Since when is it appropriate for one gay MP to question another gay MP about golden showers?

Sir Wilfried Laurier would not stand for this I'm sure. Trudeau no doubt would ask the two of them to keep their golden shower references in the bedroom* where the state has no business.

(*maybe the bathroom would be better.)

Creepy Guy

You know which commercial I hate? The Lenscrafters one where the guy is on the bus and laughing about a book that a woman is reading three or four seats in front of him.

Creepy!

He's a stalker! Get off the bus, girl. Get off the bus at the next stop! That guy is a creep. Run away! Run away!

Let's Play "Explain the Joke"

Here is a "joke" that JAW Fan's colleague told him yesterday.
Our mission today: 1) to explain what the joke is and 2) to figure out what anyone would find funny about this, i.e. who laughs at this kind of joke.

There was an old Chinese man named Too Old To Kum.
He married a young Chinese woman named Too Young To Kum.
But then surprisingly they had a baby, so they called him Where He Kum From.

Editor's Note: I spelled "come" as kum in a feeble attempt to make these names appear remotely Asian.

Black Arm-Bands for Everyone

I will simply reproduce this article from TMZ because what more can I say?

The SNACK GOD who invented DORITOS has passed away ... but TMZ has learned his funeral is nacho average ceremony ... 'cause the guy will be buried with 3 FLAVORS of his prized invention. Arch West -- the 97-year-old ex-Frito-Lay legend -- died last week, and his daughter announced the family plans on "tossing Doritos chips in before they put the dirt over the urn" when he is buried.TMZ spoke with West's son-in-law ... who tells us the family will use Original, Cool Ranch and Nacho flavored Doritos, since those were West's favorite. He was NOT a fan of the Cheeseburger flavor, so those will not be used. According to his daughter, West came up with the idea for Doritos during a family vacation to San Diego ... when he discovered a snack shack selling fried tortilla chips in 1961. Snack strong in heaven, Arch.

Runnin' Scared

So yesterday a guy died while running the Montreal Marathon. He collapsed 2 k's from the end.

Well, that's all the warning I need. For my own safety, I need to abandon my feeble attempts at exercise. It's too dangerous.

In other health news, I bought another bag of the organic child labour chips. mmm mmm good.

Blog Update

I draw your attention to the right-hand column where I have added links to Jim's blog and Brian's blog for eee-zee access.

Happy Bruce Day

Springsteen is 62 today.

He's got 12 years on me, so why do I feel old and decrepit?

Apocalypse Today

It's the end of the world as we know it. Not only are all world stock markets going wheeee like they are on the roller coaster at the Great Escape, but in bigger apocalyptic news: there is nothing new with Fancy Feast.

I had not heard from him in a week, so I emailed to say (literally) whazzup? He said Nothing. If you can't trust FF to have some cockamamy tale about how somebody, somewhere is treating him unfairly, well, then might as well throw in the towel.

Stick a fork in us, we're done.

RIP REM

REM have broken up. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I was a huge fan over the first 5 or 6 records, but I haven't been excited about them for years.

(Aside: As Mr. Anon and I discussed a few weeks ago, at our age, are we truly ever excited about anything in music, books, concerts, etc., anymore? Answer: No.)

Anyway, I saw REM for the first time in Washington D.C. at the DAR Constitutional Hall. It was great. I loved them. And I loved them for a long time.

Not to sound too much like old crank, but after Bill Berry left, I was not much into them anymore even though I continued to buy their records. Then they got really big....and....meh...they were just another big band.

Oh well. I enjoyed them and appreciated them, and there are some songs, many songs, I will always like. Thanks, you guys!

Work

An email from Mrs. Anon has reminded me of something funny at work.

Our Big Boss is a woman from China, with a typically Chinese name. One of the people in my department cannot remember her name so she always refers to her as "Ping Pong".

Even though I am totally appalled, I still find myself smiling at this. It's just so wrong.

Another colleague used to have a boss from West Africa who spent a lot of time on the phone speaking her native language. My colleague would complain that all day she had to listen to "ooga booga language" . Again, I'm appalled, but I can't help but laugh, mainly because I don't think people realize how horrible and ignorant they are being.

What a place.

The Earth Moved

I was lying on the couch with Miss Hitler yesterday afternoon, and I felt that unmistakeable rumble of an earthquake. Just for one or two seconds. But that sound and feeling is unique.

I looked at the headlines in the paper today and nothing. But I just checked the CBC website and read that a small 4.1 hit Gatineau at 3:19 p.m.

The article did not mention that it was felt in Montreal, but I am here to say, yes, it was felt in Montreal, at least on one couch in NDG. It wasn't just Miss Hitler shifting her fat rump.

In Work News

In a moment of insanity a couple of weeks back, I agreed to take on the editing of our Annual Report. My burnt-out colleague, who has been doing this task for 15, count'em 15, years, said she just could not face it for another year. I always felt it was wrong that the same person got assigned this "thing" year after year, so I said yeh, why not? I'll do it.

Of course, my boss, Mrs. Never Think Outside The Box, said, okay, great idea. But did it EVER occur to her in 12 years to assign the task to someone else? No, of course not.

It's going to be awful. A coordination nightmare of missed deadlines and uncooperative departments. But there ya go. It's my baby now. Just had our first meeting. Next meeting is on Monday.

I should post a picture of my hair today, while it still has some brown in it. And then post another next July when I am totally Clooney grey.

RIP Dave

As this week marked the 3rd anniversary of the death of David Foster Wallace, I finally got around to buying his unfinished novel.

Silly me, I thought it was a work-in-progress, how big could it be? Well, the thing is a brick. Only DFW would have a 550-page UNfinished book.=

I miss that man.

The Truth is Revealed

I went to the website of the Late July snack company, makers of uber yummy Dude Ranch chips.

And I read this: "Not only are all our products USDA certified organic and proudly wear the organic seal, but on any given day you can find three generations at work, including eight-year-old Stephen and four-year-old Benjamin."

So now we know. The secret of a truly great chip? Child labour.

I have seen the future, baby, it is....taxes

I'm just bursting with predictions today.

As we all know (or should know) the world economy is in the "shitter", to use the economic term. I note this news from Greece: "Greece announced an emergency property tax of about 50 cents per square foot on all buildings, payable immediately, in a effort to top up government coffers enough to meet bailout conditions."

Payable immediately! Government says we're broke, so pay up now. They will be imposing the tax through people's electric bills. Face it, we are all going to be met with this kind of surprise in upcoming years. Every goverment is going broke. And who is going to pay? Little ole us.

When I get that bill, you know what I'm going to say? "Don't look at me! Don't look at me!"

Weekend Roundup

I can't decide when I like Serena Williams better: 1) when she is overpowering and literally awesome to watch, when you think she just cannot be beat by anyone on Earth, like she was on Saturday or 2) when she is full sassy kookoo like she was on Sunday. My new expression whenever someone disagrees with me is going to be "Don't look at me! Don't look at me!" And then I will say "You are ugly on the inside". She was lousy on the court but crazily entertaining on the sidelines.

I've discovered a new chip! And a deelishious one it is. The company is called Late July and the chips I bought are called Dude Ranch. And they are dudalishly delish. And the best thing about them. I bought them at the HEALTH FOOD store, so of course they are very, very healthy and have no calories. Not a single calorie! ....at least I think that's what health-food chips are like. Well, I believe it. So it's true. NO CALORIES!

Now I'm not a terrorist, nor have I ever played one on t.v., but if I was a terrorist, I would not plan to bomb something on the anniversary date of the big event, when security is at its highest. I would wait, say, maybe a day or two, say on a Tuesday, when the barriers have come down and everyone is back to normal. Then....Surprise!

The Return of the Missing Kid

There's something very fishy about this story of the little boy abducted in BC and now back with his family.

Let me make one of my fearless (and usually wrong) predictions. The parents were in on it. Maybe they want a book deal or something, or just wanted attention. But something's not kosher about the kid ending up back in his own house in the middle of the night.

Just sayin'.

Riddle

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You stop milking a cow after 10 years.

Enough already.

Government Orders

The Harper Govt informed me that I had 24 hours to change the name of the blog.

Headline of the Day

"Intruder raids fridge, takes bath at Celine Dion's home"

That's no intruder, that's Rene.

A little touch of Fancy Feast in the evening

Got a little email from FF telling me about his new room-mates.

He says one of them is a good and generous guy, but "his social skills could use some work". Apparently, "he needs to have everyone's attention....and doesn't stop talking".

I am tempted to say: "Honey, that's not a room-mate, that's a mirror".

A Holiday from our Labours

A very happy very rainy Labour Day greeting to all. Why can't I sleep in past 7:30 on weekends? It is so frustrating.

Still no Fancy Feast news. I'm convinced that renaming the blog put a curse on FF updates. I may change it back if this trend continues.

But fortunately, we'll always have Kumar. Being a holiday weekend, a visit from Kumar was not unexpected, but I was caught off guard (translation: with both cheeks smeared with face cream!) when I saw an unfamiliar car stop in front of the house. An unfamiliar Mercedes. And who emerges from it, but Kumar himself.

After rapidly wiping aforesaid face cream from face, I greeted him in my usual warm and loving way i.e. "What are you doing here? You couldn't call or email first?" He said: "You know me. I'm like that." True, if I haven't learnt to expect the unexpected after 3 (!) years, then I am indeed a slower learner.

So I went out front to check out the Mercedes. He had told me in the Spring he'd bought a used one, a 2003. But, skeptic, that I am, I scoffed. But there it was. Still in good shape and very very nice. He's thinking of selling it. I want to buy it! A woman of my stature deserves a Merc in her 50s. No?

He said he is very materialistic, but the things he buys don't make him happy for long. At least he has accepted this about himself. Will he stop buying status symbols? No, probably not. But at least he knows they don't do much in terms of fulfiling his needs. I understand that...and yet...I still want to buy that car!

No FF news is bad news

Wouldn't you know it? Now that the blog has been renamed, there is basically nothing new with Fancy Feast. That's life, eh?

Yesterday we discussed whether or not he should be wearing a tie to work. I think he should dress to impress, but he said that in this job he has to visit clients, which sometimes means having to get on the floor under a desk to work on cables. If he was wearing a tie, he would likely kneel on it, thus choking himself.

We both agreed this is bad. So, no tie.

It's a holiday weekend coming up. This means he will be spending 3 days in the company of his new room-mates. How likely is it that he will be at war with these new people by Sunday? Stay tuned...

A-hoarding we will go, a-hoarding we will go

I watched HGTV's new hoarder show last night. It is not as scary as the American hoarder shows, which is a good thing because it is easier to identify with these people than with the American hoarders who are for the most part mentally ill.

The family on last night's show wasn't deranged, they just couldn't get rid of their stuff. Like me. I'm not THAT crazy, I just can't get rid of all my stuff.

But real life is more effective than t.v. for motivating me. On Monday I was over at the Tall Teacher's place to bid him adieu before he heads to the Nation's Capital. I've always considered his apartment to be very sparsely furnished (which I admired). As I entered the place, he said: "Don't judge me!!" So imagine my shock when I saw the sheer number of boxes in his small apt. "But, but", I sputtered, "you don't even own that much". How could he have all these boxes in his kitchen?

This really shook me up because I thought I'd have to multiply the boxes in his kitchen by about 1000 to estimate the amount of crap I own. And how much of it do I really need? A fraction; a small fraction.

File this under: Major Waker Upper.

Blog Update

I made a little update to the right-hand column. Maybe this will appease the IWOIB. Gulp!

FF Question of the Day

Fancy Feast's new employer has an office in Lachine. How long before I start hearing murmurings about a transfer?

The Fancy Feast Report (subtitle: NO EXCEPTIONS)

This guy deserves his own blog. And maybe a Twitter feed because there is always something new and weird going on his life. I'm so boring compared to FF. What is my life missing, you ask? Shenanigans? Oddities? Weirdness? Call it what you will.

Since we last heard about FF, here is a rundown of what has happened in his life:

1. Started his new job. Wore a tie on the first day, discovered he was overdressed.
2. When to work today without a tie.
3. Got presented with a 2-page "renter agreement" (i.e. rant) from the friends he was crashing with. Choice exerpts below.
4. To escape current room-mates, answered an ad from people looking for a new room-mate.
5. Found new room-mates.
6. Borrowed money from his sister to pay Sept rent to new room-mates.
7. Is preparing to move out this evening.

Now about the "renter agreement", let's say it gives Sheldon and Leonard's room-mate agreement a run for its money. I'm just going to quote a few choice bits. Apparently the pot is a problem. And the sex. And co-habiting with dogs. FF refused to sign the agreement when they presented it, which is why he is moving out.

1. "Monday to Friday is work days which means early nights. Anyone coming over and staying over past 10:00 pm must be respectful of those who are sleeping and have to be up early for work. I will kick anyone out who is not being respectful of this rule.

Any sexual encounters must be in your own bedroom or in the shower. NO EXCEPTIONS. We are not ok with other people’s bodily liquids and it’s downright rude. Again be respectful of others who are around no one wants to hear your sexual encounters."

2."Follow the guide lines that have been set up for how we have trained our dogs and what we do with them. Yes they are not your dogs but... If you let them out you will have to deal with the consequence and responsibilities that come with the dogs. You will have to clean a dirty bum and will need to keep a watch full eye on them and you will have to take off the underwear for when the girls are in heat. It is part of co-existing with them and not being cruel. If they get out you will be held responsible for the consequences that happen outside or within the yard. This is a law that is held here in Calgary so be very carefully I cannot stress this how important that is. We would never forgive you if something happened to any of the dogs. Be very wise and responsible."

3. "No chemicals at ALL or anyone on chemicals in the house".

Thank goodness pot is a weed and not a chemical, is all I can say.

Happy B-Day

to BJB, biographer of pornographer.

I'm not sure but I suspect BJB is the only one amongst us who gets younger every year. How he do that?

After the storm

I lost power for 6 hours yesterday during the remnants of Irene. The power got knocked off really early around 11. It had barely started raining, but this is the price you pay when you live in the neighbourhood of tall, mature trees. The hydro lines come down with very little wind. Alas.

A whole Sunday without power is a long day. By 4:30 I was hankering for some hot food. So I had an idea, and here is the real tragedy. I called up Chalet, and they had NO delivery service. Shudder. They too had suffered power outages, so no delivery, but there would be take-out service if I wanted to wait. Chicken would be back on-line at 6:30.

Chalet! It saw us through the ice storm with flying colours, but yesterday was not so lucky. Oh well. My power came back on at 5:30 and I had pasta in a hurry in case I was in the dark again. But I wasn't.

Fin de Irene.

Hell Freezes Over

Fancy Feast has decided he's going to wear a tie in his new job. He wants to fit in and "dress the part".

I'm speechless.

Good news dept: Fancy Feast has a Job

Alberta, he's all yours.

Yes, he is soon to be gainfully employed. This is great news for me for two reasons: 1) I may start to see some of my "investment" come back to me in upcoming months and 2) I won't come home from work to the surprise of finding an Egyptian pothead anarchist on my front porch. It's all good.

Of course, being FF, he seems to have nearly talked himself out of the job during salary "negotiations". Permit me, through the miracle of "cut and paste" to have him tell his own story. The $25 in question is the hourly wage. Apologies for the quality of this excerpt. I have no idea why it won't paste correctly. grrr.

Okay, I got the job. They offered $25. :/

I started to talk back a bit...

Me:"$25? Really? How did they come up with that number?"

HR Rep: "Uhhh that's their rate....?"

Me: "They had asked me what my salary expectation was, and I told them I wanted $25 - $30, depending on how many of the requirements I met. Are they saying I didn't meet any requirements?"

HR Rep: "Uhmmm...."

Me: "Alright, you know what... it's fine. They offer annual raises, right?"

HR Rep: "Oh yeah, for sure, there will be raises"

Me: "Okay, it's fine then. I'll accept."

HR Rep: "Really? Okay great! I'll let them know!"

You know, I wasn't sure what I was thinking... But it didn't take long for me to realize that I'm arguing about a job offer and not going about it in a way that I'd get more money... So I shut up real quick. LOL -end cut and paste -

You know what's good about this? He realized he was screwing up and shut himself up. This is real progress.

Dysfunctional

Smoothie is in a panic. Next week is his parents' 40th wedding anniversary and he has to find a gift to give to his mother FROM his father.

Dad does not shop for gifts. Dad looks like Rasputin, and Dad up until yesterday had literally not left the house since June. He is a teacher and the last time he was out of the house was the last day of school. I know. It's very weird.

Anyway, so Smoothie has no clue what to get his mother. Apparently it has to be something nice because the mother apparently got a very nice gift for her husband. Mom of Smoothie is taking a trip later this year so I have so far suggested new luggage or a nice leather passport holder. Both were rejected. Then I suggested one of the digital photo frames loaded with family pictures. She got one last year; it is still in the box. Perfume? Nope, no go.

Now I have suggested that Rasputin get a shave and a haircut. If he were my husband, that would be the Bestest Gift Ever.

I'm wondering

Would there be public outpourings of grief if Harper kicked the bucket in 3 months or so?

Sad Monday continues: RIP Blackie

The fate of Blackie was revealed to me tonight. He died, and you will not believe where. In the CPN's backyard.

They were away last week and their daughter was home alone. She came to tell me that she found Blackie curled up under some lawn furniture one evening last week. She thought he was sleeping so she left him alone but after a few hours she realized he was dead. The next morning she called the SPCA and they took him away.

I am sad, but so relieved to know that he died quietly in a safe spot and was not mauled by a raccoon or run over by a car. He had been disoriented a couple of times in the past two weeks, so I guess he was sick but didn't really show it. Now I can sleep at night and stop worrying about him.



Mr. Cool chillin' in the backyard, July 2011.

Sad New to Start the Week

Jack Layton died. Wow. That was so fast. I'm shocked. He was 61.

This is a reminder to all to enjoy life now. (Yes, this advice from a chronic malcontent and complainer. I do see the irony.) We all think we're going to have a nice long retirement. It doesn't always work that way.

The deepening mystery of Blackie, le disparu

There still aren't any lights on at the house of Blackie's real owners. Last night around 10:00, I walked over to case the joint. The lights were all out and the windows closed, but three of their cats were sitting on the front lawn. This means that although the people are away, they have left a back window open for kitties to come and go.

But no Blackie. So either they took him with them or they've got him in a room without access to the open window... Blackie, where are you? I wondered. I looked at the other cats but they just stared back at me. Useless kitties.

Don't Mess with the PMS Lady

I cut my grass tonight and since it had not been cut in ages, it was jungle land so I had lots of raking to do. I was finishing up by going to the north side of the house. I turned the corner from the back yard to the north side and there's a guy, standing next to my recycling bin, peeing. In my driveway. I saw his wang and everything!

Me: (startled) (yelling) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Peeing Guy: (startled) I'm so sorry. I have to pee.
Me: (still yelling) Get off my property!
PG: I'm really sorry, but I have to pee.
Me: (always yelling) I don't care. Get off my property!
PG: But, lady, I was going to pee in my pants!

Note that I am holding a rake in both hands the whole time and am now walking towards him.

Me: I don't give a shit! Get the hell off my property!
PG: I'm really sorry. I'll pay you. I'll give you money!
Me: I don't want money! I want you to get off my fucking property!
PG: But I have to finish!

At this point, I realize that this guy is not a trouble-maker or a vagrant, just a young guy who urgently had to pee and picked the wrong place. He seems more scared than I do at this point. I am now A Crazy Rake-Wielding PMS Head Case. As I walk back towards the back yard I say:

Me: I'll call the cops if I see you here again!
PG: Lady, I'm NEVER coming back here.

I go around the corner, but I can still hear him yelling:

PG: I'm really sorry.

This is so much funnier to me now than it was 2 hours ago. :D

Le Disparu

Blackie is AWOL. He was nowhere to be seen last night or this morning.

I had a sleepless night.

The most obvious explanation is that his real owners have taken him home. I suspect this may be the case because normally they keep all their windows open so their 5 or 6 kitties can come and go as they please, but this morning all the windows were shut. And there were no cats on their lawn.

Then again, maybe this is to keep the cops away. I don't know.

I has a sad for my disappeared Blackster. I hope nothing bad has happened to him.

The Blackie Dilemma

It appears that the "real owners" of Blackie the cat have sold their house. So I've been trying to decide whether to give up custody and let them take him back when they go. I figured it might be for the best, except that I learned on my return from TO last night that Blackie's "real" father had been arrested over the weekend. I know not what for.

Do I want to return Blackie to a disfunctional, indeed criminal, household? I don't know what to do.

I left him for two days outside without food, since he can't share the indoor territory with the others. I suspected he would be starving on my return. So I let him in the mud room right away where there was a bowl of dry food waiting. He looked at it with utter disdain. Really, pal? After two days with nothing, you are still turning up your nose at dry food? So I got him a can of moist shredded chicken. Spoiled brat.

Should he stay or should he go?

Me and my nice shorts

This one is for JAW Fan.

Tall Teacher was looking at a picture I have of myself wearing my BEAUTIFUL patterned shorts from way back when. The shorts that JAW Fan loved so much.

I asked TT, what year do you think that is from? He looks and say "Based on the length of the shorts and the pattern, I'd say 1987". "You're very close," I said. He took a second look. "I'll revise and say 1985."

That picture was indeed taken in 1985. Uncanny 1980s fashion knowledge. I'm guessing it's because his oldest sister is the same age as me, so he may have been exposed to such fashion sense at a young age and remains scarred.

A brief exchange

Talking to the Tall Teacher last night.

TT (excitedly): Lil Wayne's coming to the Bell Center.
Nanuk: And I'm supposed to care about this why?
--Pause--
TT: Fine. Lil Beethoven's coming to the Bell Center. Is that better?

Today in FF

I deposited Fancy Feast's cheque today. Que sera sera.

He has a job interview today in Calgary. With the competition. It's the big telecom whose advertisements have cute bunnies and lizards, etc. He should fit right in with those creatures.

JFK and LBJ

The news is that Jackie Kennedy believed Lyndon Johnson paid Lee Harvey Oswald to off her husband.

I wish my father was alive to read this. He always believed that Johnson was behind the assassination. And, maybe just because I grew up hearing that, I've always believed it too.

So much for JFK's thinking that you keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. This is the ultimate FAIL of that theory.

Last Night at Place des Arts

It was an exciting night as Mr. Anon and Sister Anon got their thrill meeting Smoothie. He gets nervous meeting new people, and trying to make a good impression, and literally cannot stop talking. What can I say? It cannot be helped.

Within 5 minutes of meeting Sis Anon, Smoothie was pointing at the front of his pants and saying "Hey look at this". I was struck dumb, not knowing where this was heading. But it was just his proud display of his weight loss and adjusted belt notches. (!!!!) What a nut.

He later said, twice, that Sis Anon is "so cute" and seems likes "a very liberal woman". Take that as you may. (?!?!)

Anyway, I thought things were going okay with just Mr and Sis Anon but when the other fellow showed up, and Smoothie attempted to display his movie trivia knowledge, I knew this was a potential social disaster in the making, but he just would not shut up. Like many people his age, he thinks he knows a lot about movies, when frankly, he knows alot about movies in the past 20 years, and very little about anything else. So berating him in the theatre, I said this guy knows more than you ever will and you shouldn't really be challenging him. Then he said: "that guy's gay, right?" I said I was not aware of his status, but I believed it was "confused".

Today's FF Dilemma

Loyal readers of the FF saga will recall that last month I advanced him some money ($435) that he was waiting to receive as a reimbursement of his pension plan contribution to Ma Bell. The contribution was expected to be in the form of a cheque and the agreement was that when he returned to Montreal he would deposit said cheque and give me my money back.

Well, the cheque arrived in the mail yesterday. The company withheld more than $60 in taxes etc. so it is for $372 only.

My question today is: when do I tell FF that I've received the money? Because we ALL know darn well that when he knows I've got the cheque he's going to want me to deposit it ASAP and he'll use it all up on pot, beer, olive oil and fresh dill.

But the cheque is of no use to me as it is made out to him, so is there a reason why I should sit on this news and not inform him? I could always tell him I've got the money and say I'm not depositing it until I see his chubby little face again, but what will that serve. I'll still be out $435 until he shows up.

Suggestions? I knew this situation would arise once the money showed up. Until he settles his account with me, I'm out $435 that I forwarded in good faith to him. Question is: how will he react? He has all the leverage here, is he smart enough to use it?

Another One Joins the 50 Club

I'm speaking, of course, of the President of the United States.

The Presidency has really aged him. He still looks great for an old guy of 50, but the past couple of years have made him greyer and greyer. And no wonder. What a shitty job he has.

Yes, you will walk alone

"Comedian Jerry Lewis is no longer serving as the Muscular Dystrophy Association’s national chairman and won’t be appearing on this year’s Labour Day telethon, the nonprofit agency announced Wednesday night. "

Complete this phrase: Labour Day weekend without Jerry is like.....

Argh!

Summer is passing too fast, and I'm just not appreciating it.

It's not just me, right?

It's the Holidays!

Happy Ramadan everybody!

I've decided that attempting to stick to my low-carb diet will be my infidel version of fasting. But that doesn't mean I get to stuff my face with carbs after sundown.

At least I'll try not to. Evening carbs are the best carbs.

Phantom

What is happening with seeing scary Lon Chaney next weekend?

I cannot reach Mr. Anon nor JAW Fan, and I have lost my address book so I can't reach Sister Anonymous either. Has everyone bought their tickets?

Smoothie has decided he wants to go so he will be picking up tickets for the two of us this afternoon. He can get more tickets if I hear from anyone.... helloooo out there!

Saturday Night at the Movies

Saw Crazy, Stupid, Love last night. There is a funny scene where Steve Carrell is attempting to pick up a much younger woman in a bar. His character's name is Weaver. So he says "Like Dennis Weaver" and she stares at him blankly. That really made me laugh. Then he says "like McCloud". And she still looks blank. At that point, I was laughing really hard.

And then the punchline.

Smoothie leans over and says: "I don't get it. Who was McCloud?"

A Breakthrough?

Last weekend when my friend's car wouldn't start up in the mountains, we had to climb up a dirt path on a hill to get to my other friend's parents' house to seek help. Climbing that hill I felt that this was "a sign from God" to lose weight and get back to exercising, as I was gasping in a most unpleasant and unladylike fashion. (Not to mention the swearing.)

So this week I bought a diet book. It's that French diet that everyone seems to be on. I'm reading the book. This may be as far as my new diet plan goes because that Frenchie diet seems unreasonable, unsustainable and possibly damaging to one's kidneys, if nothing else.

So maybe no Frenchie diet for me. But I still have to do something. I'll keep reading the book.

FF Update

I emailed FF and he called me right away. He is in Calgary living with friends, and he has a free long-distance line that only works when he is on-line, so he was on-line and we talked for 20 minutes.

When I told him about the $722.00, he said (as expected) "Screw Bell". LOL. I knew that was coming.

He is broke, of course, but expects to start working at some computer thing within the week. He needs $100 in the meantime, but said that I was "literally the last person on earth" he will ask. He has a couple of other people to try and squeeze first, and I was grumbling that he knows how I feel about lending money.

Me: I really don't want you to call back and ask.
Him: Neither do I. I haven't even asked and you're already riding me!

He sounds really relaxed and happy. Which is good. And he's lost a lot of weight. Apparently, he's a real chick magnet now. I said: you always were. He laughed in an embarrassed, but pleased way.

Telephone line, give me some time

I tried to call FF on his cell, but the number is no longer in service. I guess his ex-company finally caught on that he is an ex-employee. Oh well.

I'll just have to wait to hear from him to tell him the great news that he owes the company $722.00.

My weekend

I have just returned from a weekend Up North. I was supposed to be back last night and at work today, but my friend's car battery died yesterday and we could not depart until she got boosted this morning. Then we drove to Ste Agathe on her boosted battery to a dealership where she got a new battery and we tootled on home. What an ordeal! If that car had stopped on the dirt roads of Up North, we were thinking it was Deliverance time! But we survived.

But Amy Winehouse didn't, I have just read. Too bad. I liked her.

And Jack Layton looks like he's on his way out too. I guess the campaign was just too strenous for his body. What a shame.

And now for a Fancy Feast update: there was some mail for him from his employer. As I have permission to open it, I did. And ha ha ha his last pay was a mistake. He should not have received it. So he now owes them $722.00. I can't wait to give him a call and hear what he says about that. Maybe he'll never be allowed to own a land line again until he pays up. I wonder if his company blackberry is still working. I'll soon find out.

Ontario: The Home Wrecker

First it was Kumar was went off to the greener pastures of Toronto; now it is my Tall Teacher who is heading off to Ottawa.

Ontario is my Other Woman, luring my men with her siren's call into her clutches!

What does Ontario have I don't have? I ask you. ..... oh yeah, jobs. Careers.

I shake my fist weakly at you, heartless Ontario.

No News from Fancy Feast

I have not heard from FF in five days. Does this mean:

a) he has learnt to manage his money?
b) he got a job?
c) he has run off with the medical marijuana delivery woman and will live happily stoned ever after?
d) his phone died and he can't reach me?

News News

I've been spending a lot of the morning going to various sites and live blogs reading the testimony of the police and the Murdochs (no, not those nice Murdochs) before the Parliamentary Committee.

It's been fascinating but it just got amazing with old Rupert being smacked in the face with a shaving foam pie.

Too bad the News of the World doesn't exist anymore. It could put that on its front page.

Reverse Ceausescu Fail

You may remember that back in the bad old days, Hall of Famer Dictator Nicolae Ceausescu would not allow temperatures to be reported when they were below minus 15. The logic being that people wouldn't suspect they were freezing to death if they didn't know it was minus 25.

Given the current heat wave, I decided over the weekend to launch the Reverse Ceausescu manoeuvre. Readers of this blog will know I am addicted to the Weather Network. So it was quite a challenge I undertook to not check the weather on t.v. or on the Internet, no matter how hot it was.

This worked perfectly yesterday. Yeah, it was hot. But I dunno how hot exactly, and I did okay. Had supper in an air-conditioned restaurant with Smoothie. No wine. No overheating.

But today, around 4:00 p.m. I was sitting in the backyard with Blackie and I started to feel woozy and unwell. So I came inside and sat in front of the fan until I felt a bit recovered, and then being only human, I turned on the Weather Network.

Well, the dang Humidex is 39. Three-nine. No wonder I felt like crap. Thank you Weather Network. You are a pal.

We have a winner!

MsMushrooms fearlessly predicted that FF would be in touch for more money as of Friday morning B.C. time.

And she is right! Sadly, I have no prize to award to her.

He is down to $50. He bought a sleeping mat and a camp stove. Also, beer, pot and cigarettes. Why cigarettes when he is a non-tobacco smoker? They are a good appetite suppressant when on the road. Whatever!

Oh, and olive oil. He bought some olive oil. And soya sauce, onions, garlic and fresh dill.

A Tragedy of Shakespearean Proportions

Move over, Othello.
Scram, Hamlet.
O woe is me, Nanuk.

Provigo was out of Greek Feta-shist Chips. Nary a bag to behold on the shelf. I was wounded to the core.

I needed to apply a balm to my wound. So I picked up a bag of Thick Cut Sour Cream & Dill.

I'm starting to revive...

Crisis Averted for Today

FF now has $200 in his account. I called him from the bank.

Me: Hi. I just deposited the money.
FF: Thank you (happy voice)
Me: it's supposed to be instantaneous, so it should be there.
FF: Uh..I checked 30 seconds ago, and I saw it. It's there.
Me: Good.
FF: When can I expect the next installment?
Me: When you need it. But if it is within 48 hours, you are in big trouble.
FF: (Nervous laughter) Ok. I'll call you back later.

Any estimates on when that 2nd installment will be requested? I'm guessing Monday. It's been 20 minutes. He's probably already bought beer....and olive oil. He was upset at the high price of olive oil in B.C. Only he would be complaining about that.