Minnesota Airport Bathroom Cop

Now that the gay-bait cop has had his name and face flashed across CNN, is it safe to assume he's going to be reassigned?

I could make a joke about his cover being blown, but why bother?

Exiled

I see that Exiled, the Anthony Wong/Francis Ng extravaganza from Fantasia, was reviewed in the NY Times and on Salon today. I'm glad to see it getting a US release.

Men in ultra cool coats.

I may actually get to see it again. That never happens with my fave Hong Kong movies. That will be a treat.

YAY!

The boss called us into a meeting.

All our department is on the books for next year's budget. Full staff. No cuts for us.

Good News, Maybe

There was a meeting of department heads here last week that my boss was not invited to attend.

When she found out about it, she asked why she was not included and was told it was only for supervisors who were going to have to make cuts in their departments.

We are all hoping she continues to be left off that particular list. We are supposed to know more this afternoon.

Ugly Rumour Department

NewsFlash: I just read that a man who wears wing tips is a closet case.

Is this true? Does anyone have any knowledge of this? Is this a well-known fact among the public- washroom-cruising crowd?

THIS IS IMPORTANT HERE, PEOPLE!!

Madame Bovary (suite suite)

Page 160

Leon has slunk off to Paris without having a liaison with Emma. He was her starter affair, just testing the waters so to speak. Only at one point did they touch, to shake hands good-bye, and they were both all aflutter. Those crazy French.

Now Rodolphe is on the scene, and he’s no Leon. I’ve got a bad feeling about this guy. He’s plotting seduction left and right. I read one paragraph containing his thoughts, and I needed to take a shower. He's icky.

Lump of a husband, Charles, remains oblivious.

Naughty News Update

I think this Senator-in-the-toilet story is going to have real legs because, speaking on behalf of straight people everywhere, there is nothing we find more titillating than gay sex in public washrooms.

It has a high yuck factor and an equally high mysterious angle that leaves us endlessly wondering why and how this happens.

Some of the newscasters I’ve seen appear so dense it makes me wonder if they’ve never seen Prick Up Your Ears.

Everything I ever wanted to know about anonymous public washroom cruising I learned from Gary Oldman.

A Dark and Stormy Night

We had to cut our practice short tonight because after 40 minutes a few people yelled "Lightning!" and the coach said we had to head back to the dock. Being how things always are, we were at the farthest point from the dock when we had to paddle, paddle, paddle home. My arms felt like noodles.

The 7:00 o'clock crews were waiting to get in their boats, and I thought: are you people nuts?

I was home about 5 minutes before the rain started to pour. Good timing for me.

And at 8:05 I heard a very loud boom. The kind that makes you say Holy Shit and spill your beverage if you happen to be holding one (I wasn't) . And the house literally shook. I've still got power so it wasn't a transformer that affected me, but somewhere nearby a lot of people must be in the dark.

Clive II

Speaking of all things Clive (and wouldn’t that be a perfect world), my bus route takes me up University and St. Cate where Clive currently appears in a lovely huge advertisement for some men’s cologne. He looks wonderfully manly and seductive in it. The first time I saw it, I wasn’t sure it was him because he looked too good.

Then the bus goes down Metcalfe where I see the Shoot Em Up poster with Clive looking very Chow Yun Fatish, what with the two big guns and all.

It’s a cavalcade of Clive to end my work day.

He retains the No. 1 spot in my “Handsomest Man in the World” rankings. Especially in that cologne ad. My! I may have to fan myself.

Clive I

Has anyone seen the poster for Shoot Em Up, the new Clive Owen movie?

I can’t figure out if this is a parody, or if somebody in movieland walked into the office one day and said, hey, I just heard of this Hong Kong action movie called Hard-Boiled where the hero shoots two guns at once!! Quick, let's make a movie before somebody else steals this idea.

Chow Yun Fat should sue.

Yet Another Jerk

I can’t get enough of the story of the gay Republican in the men’s washroom. Why does a US Senator think he can get away with this? I love the “I’m not gay. I have never been gay” rant. What an idiot. Get help, you hypocrite.

And then he blames the newspaper for harassing him. He’s blabbing about family values and voting against equal rights for gays, all the while cruising guys in bathrooms, and it’s the newspaper’s fault? Asshat.

Jeffrey Toobin on CNN brought up a point that I’d been thinking of all day: the cop whose job it is to hang around men’s washrooms at the airport looking for action has got one of the worst jobs in America. Imagine being that cop. It's the kind of job Angelo would get stuck doing in Confederacy of Dunces.

And this may be a dumb question, but why is this a crime? As much as I looooove seeing a family-values Senator get nailed for this, who is the victim here? Two people have anonymous sex in a bathroom, who is getting hurt? Other than the fact that I wouldn’t want to be the person in the next stall who realizes what is going on and goes eeuuuuhhh. This has to be a misdemeanour at most, and the punishment is the public humiliation. Who cares about a fine and a jail sentence.

Best part of the evening? Dan Savage discussing washroom cruising with Rick Sanchez. It’s the first time Sanchez has been bearable to watch. And Savage saying, I have no first-hand experience in this. Funny.

Another Jerk

I have no interest in American football and know nothing about this Michael Vick loser, except he's a quarterback for the Atlanta Fahl-cons. (Am I pronouncing that right?*)

This afternoon I saw the headline on CNN which said "Vick:. I found Jesus".

Jeezuz, I said.

What is it with Americans playing the Jesus card?

Why does every celebrity who breaks the law have to latch on to Jesus? I would give anything to see Jesus float down from heaven on a cloud and say to Vick: "Screw you, you're on your own, buddy. Have fun in jail. Nyeh nyeh".

*That's a joke for Greg who is on vacation and won't read it. Why am I wasting this valuable material?

Madame Bovary (suite)

On page 130. I’m still liking it a lot, but I haven’t found much time to read.

Emma had a baby who she has dumped on the wet nurse for a few weeks. Ho hum. She wanted a boy, but had a girl. Bummer for her.

Charles took Emma to a fancy high-society do, and now she wants that life 24/7. But she can’t have it. Ennui abounds.

Everyone in their little town is a freakin’ drag.

Leon has arrived on the scene. He’s hanging around Emma and mooning a lot. He’s bored, she’s bored. What Emma needs is an anti-depressant, but instead I can see their illicit affair barrelling towards us at 100 mph.

The townspeople are already whispering.

I’m not impressed by Leon but maybe I’m too picky. He seems a bit of a dweeb. But Emma figures he’s here and he’s got a wang so what the heck.

Dude! No!

Lots of rumours today that Owen Wilson tried to kill himself.

That's awful.

He was Ned Plimpton, long-lost (maybe) son of Steve Zissou!

He can't die, man.

Adios, Loser

Alberto Gonzales is finally quitting.

First Bat Boy, now this.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, Gonzo.

No. I take that back. Do. Do let the door hit you in the ass. Hard.

Made it back to work

without falling into a sinkhole.

With all the infrastructure problems in the downtown core over the weekend, I was braced for the worst. But the ride into work was actually faster than normal.

I am suspicious, however, that the mayor could announce by 11:00 last night that all was well and repairs were complete. Being Montreal, I suspect that a half-assed job was done by all.

I Return

from the suburbs of the Holy City.

Did not do much in Toronto as my sis, who insists on playing sports despite her advancing years (ha), pulled a Michael Owen and twisted her knee on the soccer field. Thus, we stayed home most of the weekend, while she iced it, elevated it, etc. etc. We stuck to sitting in the back yard, chatting. It was tough.

Freakin' hot and humid in Toronto these past few days, I must say.

Shirtless world leaders: Part Trois of a continuing series

The French magazine Paris Match touched up a photograph of President Nicolas Sarkozy on his US holiday, making his figure more svelte.

Leading news weekly L'Express printed before and after shots, showing a distinct tightening of the area it called poignees d'amour (love handles). (BBC)

Isn't the editor of Paris Match a good friend of Sarko's? I believe so.

But really, Sark, if you're going to parade around shirtless for the world media whilst on vacation, you gotta do some serious ab work in advance.

Just ask Vlad.

No love handles on him.

Things that make me go ACK!!!

We have a terrace off of our work cafeteria. It is a nice spot to sit in the sun, but usually it is a bit too windy to actually eat there. I've lost count of the blown-away napkins I've seen. So normally I'll eat in and then take my book outside for a few minutes to soak up the sun. The smokers go there to smoke, of course.

So, when was the last time you saw a pregnant woman smoking? We've got one.

I saw her a couple of days ago and thought she was just hanging out with her smoking buddies, but today I saw that she is puffing away like the rest of them.

Yes, I know that in our mothers' generation lots of women smoked and we all turned out okay, but seeing her drove me nuts.

How can somebody do that in this day and age? It is so hard to not go over to her and say: Are you effing nuts??? I can't believe that nobody in the organization has blasted her yet. It takes a lot to appall me, but heck, I'm appalled.

Help Wanted

Harper needs somebody to teach him how to dress. His jacket and unmatching pants of yesterday were embarrassing.

If his wife won't do it, and clearly she isn't, then Harper needs someone else to choose, and mix and match, his clothes. Also to size them properly. Everything he wears looks too small.

Somebody get the Prime Minister a gay friend!

The Perils of Beer Drinking, Part 523

Bears eat man at beer festival

A 23-year old Serb was found dead and half-eaten in the bear cage of Belgrade Zoo during the annual beer festival. The man was found naked, with his clothes lying intact inside the cage. Two adult bears, Masha and Misha, had dragged the body to their feeding corner and reacted angrily when keepers tried to recover it.

"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," zoo director Vuk Bojovic told Reuters. (CNN)

His clothes were intact inside the cage. This means either he got in there deciding it was time for bear-naked partying or Masha and Misha are very neat man-eaters who take the time to fold the clothes of their luncheon guests.

Where would the world be without idiots? Overpopulated, perhaps? This guy's headstone should read "Born an idiot, died an idiot".

I Smell Sulphur!!

Bush must be arriving soon....

Here We Go

The first death for the Quebec Regiment in Afghanistan. He was from Longueuil.

So sad, just like the 66 other Canadians before him.

Now the politics will ignite.

Book News

I started reading Madame Bovary in French. It turns out it’s a lot easier than I anticipated, and I’m enjoying it. I feared it was going to be like my Proust experience from a few years back when I had to keep flipping through the dictionary for them fancy-pants literary French words, but it's not. Flaubert's writing is plain and clear to me.

I’m at around page 60. Emma and Charles have just gotten married. He’s happy, but she’s already miserable, bored and regretting her decision. I smell trouble...

Belated post: 5 favourite songs

Several days ago, our friend in Atlanta, The Hot August Knight, (yeah, it’s your new nickname, embrace it) pinged me, or tagged me, or whatever they call it, about posting on my 5 fave songs. My first thought was, oh that’s easy, but then my next few thoughts were that this is virtually impossible to do, so I kinda forgot about it, but today it came back to me.

Without further ado, and on the understanding that such lists can literally change on a daily basis (daily? How about hourly?), here are my 5:

Safe European Home (The Clash). Why? because Give Em Enough Rope was the first Clash album I ever bought, and this was the first song on the first side, and the instant I heard it pop and then fly out of the speaker, the world was a different place. That kind of experience only happens at a certain age, with certain bands, when all the elements are aligning in a way they never will again. All that and the way Joe sings the word "loverly". (Runner up: Rudie Can’t Fail because it’s kind of a sequel to SEH, isn’t it?.)

White Man in Hammersmith Palais (The Clash). Why is this song not everyone’s anthem? How can you hear this song and not want it to be your anthem? It’s huge and flawless. The way Mick goes Ooooh Oooh Ahhh Oooh Oooh Ahhh in the back, as Joe spits and laughs and builds to his climax. It’s so, so great. (Runner up: Rock the Casbah. Yeah, I know it was a "hit" but it really holds up for me. The piano’s great.)

The Body of an American (The Pogues). Because it’s The Quiet Man in a song.

The Sick Bed of Cuchulainn (The Pogues). Because the first verse is the most beautiful gutter poetry Shane ever wrote. And it’s a tremendous catchy tune.

Gimme Shelter (The Rolling Stones). Blame Scorsese for this one. The first 45 seconds of this song, before the vocal comes in, are transcendent. I don’t think I’ll ever figure out what makes that bit so great, but I can listen to it over and over and over. And thanks to the Ipod, I do.)

I can’t believe this list doesn’t have Visions of Johanna on it. Suddenly 5 needs to be 6 or 7....

Manly Vlad

I swear this is my last post about the shirtless Putin.

I was in Provigo, standing in line with a few groceries (hey, I bought one of those canvas bags for 99 cents so I don't use so many plastic bags. I'm going green, Mr. Gore!). I look down at the daily papers and there, on the front page of the National Post, is an enormous photo of shirtless Vlad and his big (fishing) rod.

I suppose it could've been worse. Being the National Post they'd print a pic of shirtless Conrad Black if they could find one.

Credit where credit is due: Vlad's got the whole world talking about him, and he didn't even do anything. He scores big headlines just by being on vacation. He's a wily mutha.

This whole stunt is just a ratcheting up of the New Cold War. Vlad's sick of hearing about W's mountain-biking and brush-clearing and all the rest of the he-man stuff Bush does rather than actual Presidenting. And since Bush is on his usual month-long vacation now, it's only a matter of time before the White House releases the annual macho shots of Bush on his play-house ranch.

So Vlad did a pre-emptive machismo strike. How can Bush's cowboy hat and T-shirt compete against All That Vlad? It cannot be done.

So I have to score this round for Vlad. Grudgingly, of course.

This does not, however, make up for the time Vlad beat that 10-year-old at judo. Even if he had never done anything else, for that act alone, he is forever a fucking asshole in my book.

Stocks down, Panic up

Why is the TSX so much more volatile than the Dow Jones? The DJ is down about 250 today, while the TSX is down around 500.

Besides, the whole friggin' mortgage mess is a US problem, not a Canadian problem. Why are investors panicking up here?

I thought we Canadians were cool, collected cucumbers.

Except when you mess with our money, I suppose.

Speaking on behalf of all Canadians cucumbers, I will say Stop messing with my money.

I haven't seen anybody jump off the roof of the Sun Life building yet, but I'm keeping an eye on that.

Time for Home-Schooling

MONTREAL — Montreal's largest school board may appeal an order to rehire a teacher who failed to mention in his job application that he served seven years in prison for killing his wife.

An arbitrator ruled the Quebec charter of rights says there is no reason to fire a person if he has been convicted of a crime that's not linked to his job. (The Globe & Mail)

I support the Charter of Rights 99.999% of the time, but this has to be the .001% when I say, you've got to be kidding me.

Elvis

What were you doing when you heard Elvis had died?

I was home and was standing in the hallway. We had a mirror in the hallway and I was brushing my hair in front of the mirror. The radio was on, and my mother was in the kitchen. The news came on the radio and we both went "Wha??" and stared at each other. It is still so clear in my mind.

And we weren't even Elvis fans.

The other indelible memory I have is when the next People magazine came out, it had a photo of Elvis's last concert, and I couldn't believe how fat he was. I stared at the picture for ages.

Breaking News: A trend that must end now

In the past week I have seen photos of Sarkozy shirtless and in his swimming suit, and (the horror) Putin shirtless and fishing, or hunting for humans, or whatever it is he does for fun while on vacation.

It is a small mercy indeed that these two bozos have at least made an effort to be in good shape (for guys their ages) but this horrific shirtless world leader movement must be stopped now. At all costs. The world must band together to halt this trend before Stephen Harper decides to flash the world his man boobs.

Must...stop...typing...now...feeling...ill

Tetes a Claques

They have finally put up a new video after their summer break.

I can't stop staying: Sundae aux PEANUT.

Shuffle, shuffle

I'm stuck at home this a.m. waiting for the cable guys to show up. Something knocked the outside wire down and I have no cable. The wire is lying on the neighbour's lawn across the street. The same thing happened last summer. I hate being at the mercy of the cable guys.

So, about the Cabinet shuffle. Peter Potato Head goes to Defense? He wasn't embarrassing us enough at Foreign Affairs. Apparently this move is supposed to keep Rick Hillier in line, since it seems like he thinks he runs National Defence, and I guess Steve-o doesn't like that. Meanwhile, Hillier is saying he's pleased with the appointment of Potato Head as Minister, which means Hillier clearly believes he can push PPH around as easily as he did O'Connor. Frankly, knowing Steve-o's attitude, I'm a bit surprised he didn't take over Defence himself.

Only the good die young

which is why I can say Happy 81st Birthday, Fidel.

Big kisses to my favourite old Communist.

Bourne to Run

I saw the Bourne Ultimatum and liked it. I didn’t see the first two, but I suspect this doesn’t really matter.

I did wonder why that guy had to go to Turin to meet the reporter from the Guardian. He couldn’t meet him in Spain? I strongly suspect that this was done so we the audience could see shots of Turin. I was waiting for the Shroud, but it never appeared. Did we get to see a train station in Turin? I can’t remember, because overall this movie's job is to guide us on the Great Train Stations of Europe tour.

Best line in my opinion is when our hero Bourne and his totally unnecessary female accomplice learn they have to go to Africa. Bourne glances at his watch and says “we can catch the 3 a.m. ferry to Tangier”. This, I learned, is the mark of a great spy: knowing by heart every train, bus, flight and ferry schedule on the Continent.

P.S. I look forward to Bourne IV where Matt Damon has to chase David Straitharn all over the world to recover the Shroud of Turin.

The Queen is Dead

Well, maybe not "The" queen, but a queen.

RIP Merv Griffin.

Chip News: Jewish Ketchup Edition

Big sale on Pringles at Jean Coutu this week. Only 99 cents. Sadly when I got there today, all the popular flavours were sold out, and there were only ketchup chips left. I'd never tasted Ketchup Pringles before and I'm happy to give them a Thumbs Up. Very tasty.

Looking at the packaging. though, I saw that they are made in the USA but distributed out of Mississauga and they have proper English/French labelling, but they have a bit of Hebrew on them.

Being that the mall is in a Jewish neighbourhood, I'm used to buying stuff with Hebrew on it, but normally it has an English translation. Usually it says Kosher or Kosher for Passover. But this time there's no translation of the Hebrew. This bothers me. What if something else is on this can of Pringles? I don't want to be unknowingly supporting some Zionist Pringles Plot.

Words to live by

I want to look this happy.
I think I know what I need to do!

Slow News Day

Is it me or is this a nuthin' happenin' day?

Well, the stock market is [YAWN] crashing again. Ho hum.

I could say something about the Russians and their little flag-planting-on-the-floor-of-the-North Pole stunt of last week. In a nutshell: it pissed me off. I bet the idea for that came from Putin himself. Worse yet, who do we have to defend Canada's claims on Arctic sovereignty? Peter Potato Head. God help us.

And then yesterday the Russians shot a missile into Georgia and then said: We didn't do it. Check that missile. I'm sure it's got Vlad's fingerprints on it.

The Times of London reports that more over-40 women are becoming anorexic. Is that spelt right? That's how far I am from anorexia, I can't even spell it. Even some women in their 60s are being treated for this condition. I knew the Nancy Reagan look would become trendy some day. Please, ladies, just eat something.

This Week in Dumb Research

What women really want is a man with full lips and feminine features, according to a British study published on Wednesday. The study showed masculine types with larger noses, smaller eyes and thicker eyebrows were viewed as less faithful and worse parents. (Globe & Mail)

Feminine features? I don’t think so. Are the “women” in this study 15-year-olds reading Tiger Beat? (Ah, Tiger Beat…)

What’s wrong with thick eyebrows? These are the same women who think Bert is evil.

Any poll that tries to generalize what all women want is dumb. Who funds this kind of silly research?

This is so subjective. I don’t like girly men, but there are exceptions to every rule. (Hello Johnny Depp!)

Hey, Hey it's a Monkey

A man has been questioned by police at LaGuardia airport in New York after smuggling a monkey onto a flight from Florida by hiding it under his hat. Passengers spotted the animal when it climbed out and perched on the man's ponytail. (BBC)

I have no problem with monkeys, but guys with ponytails should, of course, be banned from all public places.

But the real issue here is that you have to take your shoes off at airport security but you don't have to take your hat off? New motto of the TSA "You can leave your hat on (and your bomb!)".

The USA is fortunate to have never been attacked by a group of evil wig-sporting terrorists.

Call The Rug Cop!!

Chip News: Maritime Edition

A friend of mine went to Prince Edward Island and brought me back a bag of PEI Potato Bag Chips.

Potato Bag Chips come in a nice little mock potato bag, complete with webbing on the bag so you can see the chips, just like with real potatoes.

I didn’t check the ingredients but they taste very natural, like the chips of my childhood. Ooh, I sense a wave of nostalgia coming on.

They remind me of the chips we were never allowed to have when I was a kid. Fiesta chips. They were delivered to your house by a guy in a truck. The Chip Man was just like the Milk Man, offering home delivery. The chips were delivered in a metal can. Not big enough to call it a bin, but a large metal can.

Milk we got delivered, but chips? No.

We were never allowed to have Fiesta chips, no matter how much we longed for them. My mother was appalled at the idea of chips delivered to your home because a) they were not healthy, and b) it was an extravagance and a waste of money. So I would watch the Fiesta truck go around the neighbourhood, dropping off cans of chips to other lucky households but never to ours.

If I had followed my mom on the straight and narrow non-chip path I might be a lot slimmer and healthier (and richer?) today. She had the right idea, but alas, I have gone in the opposite direction. A chip rebellion rooted in my childhood, perhaps?

A Dollar per Litre

I paid 99.9 cents a litre for gas tonight.

I can't remember the last time there were 3 digits on the sign and not 4.

Who knew gas could be so exciting?

This Week in Hitler

There hasn’t been much decent Hitler news around lately. But today the Times of London has a story on Adolf’s record collection. We really are scraping the bottom of the barrel for Nazi tidbits, aren’t we?

Big surprise, Hitler listened to records by Russian and Jewish musicians. Wow, I’m really shocked that he turned out to be a hypocrite.

But this is the high point of the story for me: Although Hitler took piano lessons as a child, he displayed no personal musical talent. His surgeon, Hanskarl von Hasselbach, noted that “Hitler always whistled out of tune”.

An out-of-tune whistler. I’m glad he didn’t work in the next cubicle.

Loon of the Day

A stockbroker from Louisiana has been charged with threatening to kill [Canadian] Finance Minister Jim Flaherty and his family…. Mr. Tiller allegedly claimed he and his clients lost almost $6-million after Mr. Flaherty's decision to tax income trusts last fall. (Globe & Mail)

Um, dude, killing the Finance Minister is not going to get you your money back.

Weirdo.

New Link

I added a link to the Post Secret web site.
I love the site. It's sad, creepy and funny.
People have a lot to confess.

More Sports News

The Habs have signed Patrice Brisebois and I am joyful at this development.

It's been a bit boring these past few years without the Breezer to hate. I loves hating him.

I can't wait for the first time he whines about the fans being mean to him. mmmm. That's gonna be so fun.

Whee, Mommy look at me drive

Here we go again. This time, Laura gets to ride in the back. I'd feel sorry for Laura, but heck she married this moron, so deal with it, sister.

I love Karzai's gritted teeth smile. He needs a thought-bubble that says: "I've survived half a dozen assassination attempts, and now I'm going to crash and die in a golf cart driven by this idiot."

You know who is the only world leader who will actually be happy to zoom around in the baby car with Bush? Sarkozy. I'll bet he can't wait. The tool.

This Week in Baseball

I want to congratulate Tom Glavine on his 300th win. Hurray for Tom. I've always liked Glavine.

There is no other milestone which I wish to acknowledge. No mention will be made of the record reached by the giant-headed drug-abusing cheater.

Holocaust and Hosiery

The Gazette had a book review on Saturday of a memoir called: After Auschwitz: One Man's Story by Hermann Gruenwald.

This brought back memories because, when I was 19 and working at my first full-time job (being a grown-up!), Mr. Gruenwald was one of our clients.

This first time he came into the office, he said hello and then asked what size panty-hose I wore. I can’t remember if I even answered him because I was so shocked. It turned out he owned a hosiery business and always brought in freebies for the secretaries and receptionists at the firm where I worked, so he needed to know all our sizes. I suppose I didn’t mind revealing that info when I was 19 but I don’t know how I’d feel about it today.

Mr. Gruenwald’s book is written very much from a businessman’s point of view. This line in particular is oddly hilarious: “Auschwitz was an example of how not to deal with people”. Who can argue with that? Auschwitz had many unsatisfied customers. Yikes.

Oh Yeah?

The gene that likely makes people left-handed may slightly raise the risk of developing psychotic mental illnesses, according to an international study. (CBC)

Return of the Queen of Sheba

Miss H is back home. All brushed out except for her bum which they had to shave because it was too matted.

She and her shaved privates are so trendy.

She also smells like a ball of perfume. If I recall her last treatment, it will take at least a week for that perfume smell to wear off. I'll always know when she is near by. sniff, sniff.

A Day Off

It's probably the hottest day of the year so far, and here I am at home with no air conditioning.
At least I have a fan.

I brought Miss Hitler to the groomer for de-matting. Let's see if she comes back nicely brushed out or totally shaved. Shaved is not a good look for any cat, but if that's what she needs so be it.

I'm trying to determine if the boys have realized she is gone, but so far it appears not. They're aren't dancing for joy at the loss of their nemesis, but maybe in kitty lingo they are asking where Bossy McBoss has gone.

In other errands, I dragged a big bag of change to the bank. How do coins accumulate so quickly? It drives me crazy. I had $181.50 in rolls of coins. And yet I'm not rich! Why?

I saw a French movie called Mon Meilleur Ami last night. I enjoyed it a lot. Some critics claim that Daniel Auteuil is too nice a guy to play lousy characters, but in my opinion, between this and his role in Cache, he's got the a-hole thing down pat. Though I do agree he is likeable.

Raccoon Terror Alert

Quebec has been invaded by rabid raccoons. They crossed the border from the US and are moving towards Montreal. This is not a joke.

(The Americans sent us the crazed raccoons, but they’ve kept Conrad Black. All is not so bad.)

Anyway, the government has assembled a huge team of raccoon hunters and trappers. They trap the raccoons, test them for rabies, destroy the rabid ones, inoculate the non-rabid ones, tag them and release them back into the woods. It is hoped they will contain the epidemic before it reaches the island of Montreal.

Thank god we’re on an island. Always helps to stall the invaders. (Oh really, say the Iroquois.)

I wish I was on the raccoon squad. If I was on the squad I’d like to think I’d be calmly trapping raccoons and not running around in circles, waving my hands in the air, screaming IT’S A RACCOON, IT’S A RACCOON.

The raccoon squad have really cool jackets with “Operation Raton Laveur” written across the back. I saw them on the news. I like the fact that when the govt was assembling this team, someone said “We’ll have to have special jackets.” And it was agreed.

I want one of those jackets.

The King is still dead

We are coming up on the 30th Anniversary of the death of Elvis.

Is it me, or is there a lack of excitement about this mega-marketing opportunity? Is it because Elvis has never really gone away? I've only seen one t.v. commercial for a new "complete Elvis" DVD set. I thought we'd be drowning is Elvisness by now.

I sense a severe shortage of Elvis hoopla.

What's the best Elvis song, by the way?

This Kills Me

I’ve just been discussing with JAW Fan what a lousy cop I would’ve made, if I had decided to be a cop. Which I would not have, since I’m too short, but that’s not my point.

Big story on the news here is the capture of that triple murderer in cottage country yesterday. It seems a guy spotted this wanted guy who had broken into his neighbour’s vacant cottage. The man recognized our villain and called the cops. The cops then captured the guy. Hurray.

What impresses me is the level-headedness of the man who spotted the suspect. If that was me, I would've gone mental. I see myself running around in circles, waving my hands in the air and screaming IT’S THE MURDERER! IT’S THE MURDERER! And then maybe hiding under the bed.

I doubt I would’ve stayed calm enough to pick up the phone and explain that I’d recognized the suspect, and then given proper directions to the cottage. Nope. If I had gotten under control enough to pick up the phone, I probably would’ve just whispered IT’S THE MURDERER! IT’S THE MURDERER. And the person answering at 911 would’ve said: What? I can’t hear you. Speak up, Madame.

In the news

When I was a kid, I was afraid of crossing bridges. I thought if I held my breath all cross the bridge, the bridge wouldn't fall down. Now I feel I was right all along.

I had to get over that fear starting in Grade 7 when the school bus had to go over a bridge every single day, twice a day. One cannot hold one's breath forever.

If you only watch CNN, you'd think that the bridge falling down in Minnesota is absolutely the only thing that happened in the world yesterday.

Is it a small comfort to know that Montreal isn't the only place with crumbling infrastructure. Despite yesterday's incident, I don't think Minneapolis's bridges and roads are in the same league with our third-world conditions.

The building I work in is built over a tunnel. All of us expect the whole thing to collapse onto that tunnel at any time. Hopefully it will be on a weekend...

The good die young, while old rich zombie Republicans go on and on and on

The Return of the Rummy

Rummy was back in Washington today. Do you miss the Rumster as much as I do? I hope so. Gates ain’t no Rummy, that’s for shure.

I’ve never posted anything about the Pat Tillman story because it’s just too outrageous, disgusting and sad. But when Rummy gets dragged out of the woodwork, well, I can’t let it go by with a comment.

I only needed one day of testimony to remind me of what a creep he is. How quickly we forget these things. He’s asked about it, and his answer is basically: MOI?

Was anyone in their right mind really expecting Rummy to take the stand and say: “Why by golly yes, I knew alllll about Pat Tillman getting shot three times in the forehead by his own men, and I approve! In fact, I ordered it! Jeepers, he was an atheist, and, jiminy crickets, he was going to talk to that commie Noam Chomsky about the war. Of course he had to die!”

Of course, Rummy’s denying everything. Of course, everybody in this entire awful story is saying Cover Up? There’s no Cover Up. Us? Cover Up?

I expect Bush's statement to say, if we didn't fight Pat Tillman over there, we'd have to fight him over here.

Kids Today!!

This morning I’m complaining about the youth of today. They don’t read. Does anyone know a teenager who reads?

Last weekend, I was in a bookstore, and I heard a 20-something woman say to her mother: Look, here’s Jane Eyre (she pronounced it Ire) by Jane Austen! And I thought: no and no.

I suppose I should at least be happy the young lady was in a bookstore.

Later, I saw the trailer for the movie about Jane Austen’s big romance with some young hunk. Turns out that story is 98% fabrication. Poor old maid Jane never had a hot romance with said young stud, but we won’t let that fact get in the way of spinning a good romance. Nobody wants to hear that Jane died a spinster at age 41. Oh please, you are soooo depressing us!

I’ve gone off topic.

When I was a teenager, my father told me this elaborate joke whose punchline ended up being a pun on a Kipling quote. Never having read any Kipling, I just stared at him and went “Huh?”. I’m sure at that moment he thought civilization was going to hell in a hand basket the same way I do now.

My father died 8 years ago today. Maybe he never recovered from the Kipling incident.

The Simpsons Movie

Spider pig
Spider pig
Does whatever a spider pig does

I could not get that out of my head for an hour after leaving the theater.