News of the Day

Riyadh - A 110-year-old Saudi man has taken a second wife because his first wife, 85, no longer satisfies his needs. ..... his new spouse is only 30 years old. The man's 70-year-old son said the family is thrilled at the news of the latest nuptials. (The Gazette)

Of course the 70-year-old son is thrilled. He gets a 30-year-old stepmother.

I love the Saudis.

Shocking Fact of the Day

Barbara Feldon is 74 years old.

How can that be? 99 can't get old.

She's too cool.

Here come the knives

QUEBEC — Parti Québécois Leader André Boisclair's homosexuality, his lack of charisma and his inability to communicate were among the reasons given by caucus members and losing candidates yesterday for the party's humiliating defeat in Monday's election. (The Globe & Mail)

So what’s the deal? Is he too cool for the room, a dullard or inarticulate? All of the above. What about his cocaine use? Shouldn’t that be on the list too?

Everyone’s saying Gilles Duceppe is waiting to take over the reigns of the PQ. And I ask: why would he or anyone want to do that? Duceppe has the best job in Canada. He gets to sit in Ottawa, earning a good salary for criticizing the government while never having to actually be responsible for anything. Who would give this up to lead the PQ, which is famous for devouring its leaders and leaving them in a heap by the side of the road?

The only reason I could see for Duceppe leaving the Bloq is he knows they are going to do lousy in the next election and he doesn’t want to be seen as the head of a party in decline. Things have to be bad if it’s better to lead the decimated PQ than the sinking Bloq.

At the Movies

I saw a little British film called Cashback last night. Not recommended. I can't remember the last time I was so bored at a movie.

But more important...was the trailer for the upcoming Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Taratino double-feature Grindhouse. That looks like it's going to be stylized, interesting fun.

Storm Warning: I'm on the warpath now

I get to the elevator outside the cafeteria, and Mr. Perfect Storm comes swinging around the corner from the other direction. He looks incredibly stressed. We simultaneously hit the UP buttons on our respective sides of the banks of elevators. We are facing each other, then he turns his back! What’s that about? Rude shnook.

I’m desperately trying to remember the oh-so-witty elevator chat I’ve been practicing for the past week. But my mind is blank. (I realize that my idea of suggesting we fly off to Hong Kong together probably wouldn't get a big laugh...)

He is wearing brown wing tips today.

The waiting time is short, and then an elevator’s DOWN light flashes, and the doors open. He looks and gets in the DOWN elevator. What’s wrong with him? I’m convinced I’m being deliberately avoided.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m the most unassuming, non-threatening person imaginable. Why would someone deliberately not want to be alone in an elevator with me? I don’t smell! I wasn’t carrying a dangerous weapon. And I do keep my hands to myself. I'm not a groper! I swear!

I'm lousy at stalking.

Now I’m pissed off. This means war.

(What if his secretary told him I was asking about him? uh oh...)

What’s making news today?

The world’s tallest man got married. Shoot, there’s another eligible bachelor off the market.

A guy in Texas stole a 5-foot-tall statue of the Virgin Mary and painted it to look like a clown. I’m sure he had his reasons.

The price of oil went up yesterday because of a (false) rumour of an Iranian missile being shot at an American warship. The cynic in me says this rumour was started by some oil exec who wanted to test how profitable a little hot war would be for his company. Answer: very profitable indeed.

Marijuana is not kosher for Passover therefore Jews who observe the holiday's special dietary laws should take a break from smoking weed. What about hash brownies?

And in sports news, Chelsea have banned three of their fans after they were caught throwing celery during the team's FA Cup win at Tottenham Hotspur. Again, I’m sure they had their reasons. Mr. Anonymous will be pleased with this development, a new use for the dread celery, and it doesn’t involve eating it!

Any Ideas?

I seem to be in some type of post-election funk. I can't think of any subject to blog on.

I'm open to suggestions...

There's Close, and Then There's (Gulp!) Close

Call me the bellwether voter. In protest, I voted for Mario. And he's almost won. Almost.

In my riding, the Liberal still got 82% of the vote, but the Greens have come second, and the ADQ, MY PARTY, is third. This appears to be the only riding in the whole province that has voted along traditional lines.

I've never ever come close to having a winning vote before. I am a life-long NDP loser on the Federal side, and provincially, I always vote for a fringe party. Except this time around, my fringe party turned out to be not-so-much on the fringe. I'm still in shock.

My work colleague called me. She was confused by these results. I told her I voted ADQ (in protest, remember). She was stunned. "But I thought you were a leftist" she sputtered. I'm a Right Wing Socialist, I said. A rare bird indeed.

Photo of the Day

Mario and the Giant Baby.

Odd

There's a panhandler in front of the building today who bears an uncanny resemblence to Scooter Libby. How the mighty have fallen.

Actually, it is very rare to see a clean-shaved, short-haired, neat-looking panhandler. So maybe a lot of them would look like Scooter if they were better groomed.

Election Eve Jitters

I can't decide who to vote for!

Of course, it doesn't matter who I vote for because Bergman, the Liberal, will get about 80% of the vote. The Liberal always does in my riding.

So my vote is just an academic exercise. Do I go Green? Or do I swing to the centre-right and vote ADQ?

Given that my vote is meaningless I'm tempted to vote for the ADQ candidate only because she's the only woman on the ballot. And I did sign the petition to get her candidature on the ballot. This could be a slippery slope towards the right for me. Next thing you know I'll be voting for Harper...maybe not.

It will be interesting to see where the protest votes go, and how many of them there are. I think a lot of people are angry and disappointed with the Liberals, which means in my riding maybe the Lib will get only 70% of the vote instead of 80%. Not much of a protest, but what can you do?

For my American friends, when you talk about "centre-right" in Quebec, that's about the equivalent of...umm...Ted Kennedy in the US. And "centre" here is Dennis Kucinich down there. Your version of "right" is our fascism. And our "left" is your Castro. We living on a different part of the spectrum up here. We've been on the left for 40 years. I don't see that changing.

Spring Fever

People are insane around here.

It's plus 6 C today and sunny. That's about 45 F.

I went downtown. There were loads of people at Dairy Queen eating their ice cream outside, and at Java U drinking their coffee on the terrace. If you are wearing a tuque and gloves while drinking your coffee outside, well, guess what? That means IT'S STILL TOO COLD to be drinking your coffee outside.

Drink your coffee indoors where you can take your hat and gloves off. Dumb people.

Election Day Tomorrow

I have no idea who will win.

And everyone who knows me knows I am not a betting woman. (Me? Bet? Cash money? I could lose money! No way!)

A coalition government would be very interesting, but I don't want to live in interesting times. I'm dull, and I want my times to be politically dull, too.

Turns out I'm not in the NDG riding after all. They moved the boundaries. I'll now be voting in D'Arcy-McGee which is part of Cote St-Luc, and probably the riding with the highest Jewish population of the whole province. Where's my polling place? Why, at the Muslim School of Montreal, of course. Can you say irony?

Maple Syrup = Political Hot Potato

The dumb news story around here this week is about the Muslims at the Cabane a Sucre (Sugar Shack).

From the Montreal Mirror:
On Monday, a Montreal tabloid ran a front-page photo of a group of Muslims, dressed in parkas and tuques, kneeling at prayer on the linoleum floor of a cavernous sugar shack dining room. The headline: “Cabanes à sucre accomodantes.” The two-page spread focused on Sylvain Boily, aka country singer Danny Boy, who became enraged on March 11 when his party was interrupted to allow about 50 Muslims, of a group of around 260, take over the floor for prayer. The prayer lasted about 20 minutes, but Boily was so angry with his aunt being forced to stop playing her accordion that he stormed out. The story also made reference to some cabanes removing pork from their pea soup and beans. The Big Three leaders weren’t quoted in the story (although Boisclair has since said that anyone who runs a ham-free cabane is “going to have a real tough time in life”)...

I KNOW this sounds like a joke, but it did happen. Muslim troubles in the cabane a sucre is really a uniquely Quebecois problem. Prayers are more important than according-playing? I'd like to think not.

Generally people are just griping because there were only beans. They argue that there could've been both plain beans for the muslims and pork-n-beans for non-muslims who were there at the same time. Which I agree with. Why can't they just serve two pots of beans? I dunno.

Well, people are up in arms and apparently the cabane has received death threats because they were too accommodating to the Muslims.

All of this ignores the real problem which is that because of Global Warming winters are becoming too short and warm to produce ample supplies of maple syrup. They should invite Al Gore to the cabane a sucre. At least he'd eat everything on his plate. He'd probably eat everything on Tipper's plate too.

Medical Bulletin

Our friend and frequent commenter, JAW Fan, informs me that he fell in the shower this morning. Cracked his head open. Went to the ER and now has 3 stitches in his forehead.

He is back home and okay now.

Except that once you've fallen in the shower, you are Officially Old.

He's looking into getting one of those walk-in bath-tubs that Ed McMahon advertises. You laugh, but this may not be a bad idea.

It's Official

This IS the cutest thing in the whole wide world. I can't stop saying Awwww!

Are people following the story of Knut? The Berlin Zoo is keeping him alive, but some animal rights activists say he should've been left to die because his mother rejected him. In nature, he would've died, that's true. But he's in a zoo. Is it right to keep him alive out of response to his sheer cuteness? I can't imagine they will let him die now.

This story tugs at my already gooey heartstrings.

(Look at the size of those paws. He's going to grow up to be a killer, literally.)

Stroke, Stroke, Stroke

I joined a Dragon Boat team this week. Most of the members work for the same organization as I do, though I don’t know many of them, while a few are outsiders.

We had our first meeting, and it looks like it will be challenging and fun, but even more interesting, is the group dynamic.

Most of the team are returning members from last year. Only three of us are new. And it doesn’t take long to see who likes who, and who hates who, and who resents who, and who thinks who is lazy and doesn’t work hard enough.

In other words, a soap opera.

We need a minimum of 8 men to enter competition in “mixed-boat” category, but right now we only have 6. So our Captain is on a recruiting drive to find 2 or 3 virile manly men for our boat. Good luck I say to her.

We don’t start practices until May, but we are expected to be doing some strength training on our own over the next few weeks. I’m on it! 1,2,1,2,1,2. Rest, repeat.

Word Game Afternoon Break

I'm working too hard today. Time to thumb thru the OED.

I found:
Jitterbug joey
Horror hoser
and
Moneybags monkey business.

That Moneybags Mongoloid certainly is into some monkey business.

What are the odds that "moneybags" would turn up in the header of two different dictionaries? Odd.

Moneybags is a fun word. I picture those loot bags from cartoons with the big green $ on them.

He's so Presidential

Yesterday Congress, today the Congrès.

Unfortunately, a dental appointment falls right in the middle of my prime Gore-stalking time. O cruel Fate!

It's plus 12 C today. In March. That's Global Warming, baby.

Spry Octogenarians

I like this pic of Fidel with Garcia Marquez. It proves one thing:

Tacky track suits are life-prolonging. We should all purchase our wardrobes accordingly.

The Latest Craze

Mr. Anonymous accidentally created the next big thing in party games yesterday.

1. Take any dictionary.
2. Note how on any given page, the header contains the first and last words on that particular page.
3. Flip through the dictionary until you come across a cool combo of words.
4. Note how most of these combos could be used as names for professional wrestlers.

So far, using a Webster’s and an Oxford, we have come across the following:

Hateful Hawaiian Goose
Thrash Threshold
Crème de Menthe Cretin

And last but not least

Moneybags Mongoloid.

Try it, it’s fun!

Oh, I just found a Middle Eastern bad guy: Knuckleball Koran

Today in the OED

Thumbing through the Oxford trying to do some work, I came across this definition:

natatorium. n. N. Amer. a swimming pool.

Show me one North American who has ever said “I’m going for a dip in the natatorium”. This Oxford is for the birds.

Today in Creep News

Alberto Gonzales is one of the most loathsome members of the Bush administration. And that’s saying a lot given that bunch. But it looks like he’s on his way out.

Last week on The Daily Show, they had a funny line about how he had risen from “Mexican” to “Attorney General”. I suspect by about Friday he’ll be back to being “Mexican.”

But not to worry, I’m sure the Bushies will find an equally scummy candidate to take over the job.

And speaking of scum, the Conrad Black trial has started. I hate that snob and wasn’t going to bother following the story, but I see now that there is the potential for that creep of a wife of his to have a very public nervous breakdown. I can’t afford to miss that. I’ve been waiting years for some kind of humiliating meltdown for either one of them.

The defense can present all the evidence it has, but one look at that video showing old Conrad hauling cardboard boxes down to his car is all I need to see. I wonder when was the last time Lord Pig lifted anything with his own two hands. If he carried those boxes down to the car all by his lonesome self, you know they were loaded with spectacularly nasty secrets.

(OK. I must stop blogging. I guess it is clear that I have a new project sitting on my desk and I just can't face it. But I avoided it all morning, and it's time to buckle down....and yet there are endless topics that seem to call out for blogging today. arrrrgh.)

Enviro-Hunk Alert

During his talk at the Museum of Natural History on Saturday, David Suzuki mentioned he would be in Montreal this week with Big Al Gore.

My ears perked up.

Turns out the event is “youth-oriented” (damn kids) and is already sold out. It’s being held on Thursday afternoon at the Palais des Congres which is a mere two blocks from the very office where I am now sitting and not working at my job.

I’m sure I'll feel the aura of his Al-ness just the same.

I forgot

In my Washington review, I foolishly forgot to mention a high point: I had 2 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos while I was there, and I brought a third bag home in my suitcase!!

Deee-lish!

God bless America.

When the Customs agent asked if I had anything to declare, I said: "Only my sheer delight at bringing home a bag of succulent, savoury Cool Ranch treats."

(That's a lie. I said: "nothing".)

Is nothing sacred?

A lorry containing Cadbury chocolate eggs worth an estimated £70,000 has been stolen in Staffordshire. (BBC)

What’s that worth? $150,000 in chocolate eggs. Oh, the humanity! The police will be searching for thieves complaining of tummy ache.

Spies are cool

The International Spy Museum is a must-see for World War 2 and Cold War fans like me. I didn’t even know this place existed until I saw a reference to it in the Air Canada in-flight mag on the plane. Intrigued, I made it my first stop on Friday morning.

I can’t really list everything there I found cool, but here’s a few:

A German enigma machine from WW2, with a detailed description of how its encoding worked.
An umbrella gun, like the one that killed a Bulgarian at a bus stop in London in 1978.
Lipstick tubes that fire a single shot. I think every femme fatale needs at least one of those.
Fake doggie doo with a transmitter in it, for placing on the street near an embassy to pick up radio messages.

I love all this kind of stuff.

Busy, busy, busy

In 3 days in Washington, D.C., I saw:

The National Cathedral
The Spy Museum (cool! I love spies!)
The Hirshorn (modern art) Museum
The Freer Gallery (Asian art)
The Museum of Natural History (dinosaurs!)
The National Gallery (Impressionists!)
The Phillips Collection
A lecture by David Suzuki at the Smithsonian
A play at the National Theater

And I walked around my old neighbourhood without stalking Ian MacKaye.

The list of things I didn’t get done is even longer. More on all this later. I’m really tired today, and I have quite a bit of stupid work-related work to catch up on.

I'm back

There are 15 cm of snow in the drive that I now have to shovel.

Very busy weekend. Lotsa fun.

Weather in D.C. was absolute shit.

More later.

Happy St. Paddy's Day

and Happy Ides of March.

Let's pause to remember the good old days, when everyone was young and thin. And most of us had all our teeth.

Spring Break

I'll be taking a little blogging break over this weekend.

You know, if you want something done right, sometimes you have to do it yourself. So I'm heading down to Washington, D.C., to give that George Bush a piece of my mind. When I'm done with him, the war should be over. Wish me luck.

Actually, I'll be spending most of my time in the Smithsonian and visiting other touristy things. And if I have time, I'll stalk Ian MacKaye for old times' sake.

Coochie Coochie Coo

Weird fact of the day:

Rats emit an ultrasonic chirp (inaudible to humans without special equipment) when they’re tickled, and they like the sensation so much they keep coming back for more tickling. (New York Times)

So be a sport, and go tickle a rat.

On searching the Web

You always have to be careful what words you put in your search.

Last year, I was trying to remember the name of the really good Thai restaurant that is on Guy Street just below St. Catherine.

So in my search were included the words "Thai" and "Guy".

Result: Raunch!

Not a good search to conduct at the office.

The restaurant is called Phayathai. I kept their card, so I don't need to search 'em anymore. Highly recommended. mmmmmm.

Jean Charest is a Big Wiener

This item is posted for testing purposes only. For an explanation, see the Comments box of the post directly beneath this one.

Thanks for visiting!

(Hmmm. I wonder if I wrote "has" a Big Wiener instead of "is" if I would get more visitors? Oh, the Internet is such a silly place.)

It's a funny old world

Yesterday set a record for the number of people visiting this blog.

Thanks to the Israeli Ambassador. Apparently if there is an item on your blog that uses the word "bondage" loads of people will rush to your site.

That's kinda sad, isn't it?

Election Update

This campaign has more than its fair share of bright sparks running in it. Every party has at least one nutball in its ranks. At least Mario tries to purge his.

“On Saturday, Mr. Dumont fired Christian Raymond, the ADQ candidate in the riding of Prévost, after Mr. Raymond was quoted last week saying Quebec needs to "promote the birth rate, otherwise the ethnics will invade us."

Mr. Raymond was also quoted as saying: "People come here and we're supposed to let them wear turbans and kiss the asphalt [an apparent reference to praying in the direction of Mecca]. . . . If they don't want to fit in, let them go back home." (The Globe & Mail)

Kiss the asphalt? Good lord. I only do that during my “Spring has Sprung/The snow has melted” equinoctial ritual. Um. Everybody does that, right? Eh?

By the way, poor Mario Dumont. I wonder how painful it feels to be sporting a brand spanking new arsehole, since Chantal Hebert tore him a new one on Tout Le Monde en Parle last night. Ouch. How tough was she? I was staring at the t.v. with my mouth open. When I see her on The National she always seems pretty nice, but that must be her safe English t.v. persona; on French t.v. she’s a whole different gal. You go, grrrrl.

Storm Watch 2007

Whilst out running my errand, I saw The Perfect Storm strolling down University Street.

He wasn't wearing his wing tips. Just plain black Oxfords.

It diminished him.


For anyone unfamiliar with them, here is a photo of a pair of wing tips.

Anyone who says "It's just a shoe" will have me to deal with.

Sure, it's just a shoe. And the Mona Lisa is just a painting.

Daylight Savings Time, at the Office

Turned on my PC this morning, and it was correct. DST had arrived.

About half an hour later, a colleague popped into my office and said "the time on my PC was right and now it's wrong". I looked at mine, and yep, it was wrong, too.

About an hour later, I noticed it was correct again.

Went out to do an errand, came back half an hour later: it's back to being wrong.

Then we get an e-mail from IT. If your PC is still wrong, shut it down and restart it, it will be fixed. So I did that.

It's still wrong.

Gentlemen, Start your Caddies

Has anybody seen that Cadillac commercial that uses Start! by The Jam?

This is weirder than Magnetic Fields selling dog food.

File this under “Maybe it’s just me” but what’s the connection? Am I being a punk snob for assuming that The Jam were not really that well-known in North America, even at their height of heights? Even if I am, how many potential Cadillac buyers are old Jam fans who are going to be turned on to the idea of owning a Cadillac by that song?

And how much money did Paul Weller get for this?

If I’m the kind of person who is going to notice the song and remember it nostalgically, am I supposed to be Cadillac’s target market? That’s a laugh.

At the risk of stating the obvious, if you want to use an old punk anthem to sell your Brand New Cadillac, well then balls to you big daddy. I ain’t a-never coming back.

Getting in a Huff

Finally, finally, we get to see Huff. At long last it has been picked up here.

As a Hank Azaria fan, I’ve wanted to see this show since I first read about it, but it hasn’t been available. I missed the first episode last week, but caught it last night. I always tell myself I don’t really have another hour per week to waste watching t.v., but I liked it and I think I’ll stick with it.

Why? Oliver Platt. Because why do we watch t.v. if not to enjoy the antics of a coke-snorting, booze-soaked, hooker-hiring mendacious fattie of a lawyer. That’s entertainment!

One quibble. I realize this show is about a psychiatrist but is it possible to have too many crazy characters on the same show? It’s a given that the patients have to be crazy, but does the shrink have to be crazy? And does the shrink’s mother have to be crazy? If crazy is too strong a word, then let’s say highly neurotic. And the shrink’s wife is passive-aggressive. And the lawyer, well, if he isn’t crazy then he certainly has a few self-control issues. Is this show going to make me beg for a normal person? I used to think that about Six Feet Under. Must be the time slot. Sunday at 10:00 is reserved for people with big problems.

News Story of the Day

I hope somebody caught this on their cell phone. YouTube awaits!

"Israel is replacing its ambassador in El Salvador after the envoy was found outside the embassy, drunk, wearing only bondage gear, officials said.

San Salvador was Tzuriel Refael's first post as ambassador, after promotion in 2006 from a foreign ministry position. The official said that, although diplomats may have caused embarrassment in the past, this was "the last straw".

"During the 60 years of the State of Israel, some of our diplomats have caused us embarrassment, as happens in every country," the official said. "But an ambassador behaving indecently on a public thoroughfare, that has never happened before."

Haaretz website reports that police found Mr Refael in the Israeli embassy compound two weeks ago. He was inebriated, his hands were tied and he was gagged with a rubber ball in his mouth. (BBC News)

I want to see them blame this on Hamas.

I kinda wish this would happen to a Canadian Ambassador somewhere. It would spice up our boring image.

Nothing happened

Daylight Savings Time arrived.

The clock on my computer set itself.

I reset all the other clocks around the house.

The world didn't end.

Hey, I performed a political act

Last night a guy knocked at the door with a petition. He was from the ADQ and said they were trying to get their candidate on the ballot and needed 100 signatures. I was very surprised that the ADQ didn't have a candidate running in my district. As the 3rd largest party, I thought they were now big enough to have candidates in every riding but they don't.

I thought it was wrong that we don't have an ADQ candidate to vote for, not that I would. But I think every party should be represented. So I signed the petition. I have no intention of voting ADQ, who are centre-right, but darn it! we should have the option to vote for them, like ' em or not.

I also felt sorry for the guy who was going door to door in minus 20 temps. I figured he believed in his cause, and good for him.

But I still won't vote ADQ.

Pope Benny 16 is dead to me

Why? He dissed Dylan. He tried to stop Bob from appearing at a concert for the old Pope, but JP2 overruled him. Well done, JP2.

I wonder if Bob will comment publicly on this? Probably not.

"Pope Benedict has said that rock music is the work of Satan and last year he cancelled the fundraising Christmas pop concert at the Vatican, which under John Paul II had run for 13 years." (Times of London)

I have to agree that a lot of 80s rock* IS the work of Satan, but still. Not all of it!

*Jefferson Starship, Huey Lewis, ...I could go on.

This Better Be the Last Day

of sub-zero temperatures.

You wouldn't think we can get use to minus 21 C (minus 2 F ?), but we do. That's the temperature this a.m. and since there's no wind it doesn't feel that bad. That's how hardened we've become. But I'm still whining.

I can't stand this anymore. "They" have been promising us mild temps for the weekend for days now, and yet I fear they lie. Spring will never come. sniff.

Every Campaign Needs a Nut

Things are heating up in the campaign

I love scandals. I love outrageous candidates. Boisclair is wincing because one of his candidates is (apparently) a Rwandan-genocide denier. Who knew that Rwandan-genocide deniers even existed? I had no idea. I thought this was something everyone agreed on. Well, Rwandan-genocide deniers do exist, and the PQ has one running in St-Henri. Fun will ensue.

I go through St-Henri riding just about every morning on the bus, and I noticed the PQ candidate’s signs and the fact that he has an English name. I wondered about that, but lots of Francophones have English or Irish names because of centuries of marriage between the “pure laines” and less than pure. I know. I’m one myself.

Anyway, it turns out Mr. Rwandan-Genocide Denier isn’t a Francophone with an English name, he’s an Anglophone.

I’m suspicious of any Anglophone who joins the PQ, and especially those who run for public office. You know how, on Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry is always accused of being a self-hating Jew? That's how I think of Anglos in the PQ.

Daylight Savings Idiocy

We have now received 4 quivering e-mails from our IT department warning us about the impending doom of early Daylight Savings Time. Enough already. Clearly these geeks are nostalgic for the glory days of the non-event of Y2K. They haven't felt so important in years.

How many times do they have to warn us to check and recheck our electronic calendars because we might show up at a meeting one hour too late or one hour too early. This is nuts.

I fully expect that between now and the end of the work week, IT staff will be dispersed around the building for the sole purpose of sneaking up behind every individual employee and screaming BOO!

My Fetish

There’s a man at work who I have nicknamed “The Perfect Storm” because, for me, he has the Big Three elements that make a man irresistible.

1. Scottish
2. Military background
3. Painfully shy.

Now all of these could be analysed individually, which I might just do now.

Item No. 2 is particularly disturbing because as an anti-war leftist pacifist, why do I find the whole military thing such a turn-on? Troubling indeed. I don’t think there’s any explaining these things. We just like what we like, as the old lady said when she kissed the cow (one of my late father’s favourite expressions).

No. 3 is also odd, I think, because normally introverts are attracted to extroverts, or so the experts tell us. I can see the problem when an introvert is attracted to another introvert. Because, basically, nothing happens because nobody’s talking, and nobody’s making a move. That’s the biggest problem with being an introvert, as any introvert might tell you if they dared speak to you, which they won’t.

No. 1 needs no explanation, right?

So I was just in a crowded elevator with The Perfect Storm, and in my usual way, I stared down at the floor. And what did I notice? His shoes.

My fetish.

I swear my knees buckled.

Perfectly polished black wing-tips. Yep. I have a severe wing-tip fetish, and his were exquisite. I stared. I gulped.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate feet. I hate exposed feet. I don’t want to see a stranger’s feet. And I have no interest in shoes. Nothing bores me more than people who talk about shoes. Except wing-tips. God, I love them. They are so classy, masculine, severe (!) and appealing. And on a certain type of man, …well. Hubba, hubba!

Is that weird? Yes, of course it is. But it wouldn’t be a fetish if it was normal.

All Hail, Jabba the Hutt

"(AP) -- A man who once weighed well over half a ton left his house for the first time in five years Wednesday -- wheeled outside on his bed to greet neighbors and see a mariachi band."

(Because, you know, when you've been stuck in the house for 5 years, the first thing you want to do is hear a mariachi band. What? They couldn't hire a band to go inside his house and play him a tune? Not one lousy, stinking mariachi band in all of Mexico would go into the big guy's house and play him a little ditty. Shame on those selfish mariachis!)

"The sky is beautiful and blue, and what I want is to enjoy the sun," said Manuel Uribe, who had once been certified by doctors as weighing 1,235 pounds. Though still unable to leave his bed, Uribe has lost 395 pounds since he began a high-protein diet a year ago. He now weighs about 840 pounds.

To celebrate the milestone, six people pushed Uribe's wheel-equipped iron bed out to the street as a mariachi band played and a crowd gathered. Then, a forklift lifted him onto a truck and the 41-year-old rode through the streets of San Nicolas de los Garza.

(At a mere 840, he still needed a forklift? The morbidly obese of today don't have any get-up-and-go. That's what's wrong with young people today.)

(And what exactly is being celebrated here? Yay! A fat guy left his house! Yay! Some people will use any reason for a party. Prediction: within a week, someone will see the image of the Virgin Mary in his folds, and people will come from all around to gaze in wonderment.)

Ah, the Slow Leaching of Lead

"The city of Montreal is warning pregnant women and young children* to abstain from drinking tap water in certain areas because of trace levels of lead.

Some older homes in the Plateau Mont-Royal, Notre-Dame-de-Grace and Villeray districts are still serviced by lead pipes that are slowly leaching the element into potable water, according to tests conducted by the city last summer on 1,500 houses. The tests found the majority of homes within the allowable limit.

At the end of February, it began sending letters to about 400,000 households warning residents the pipes may be made of lead, and recommended children and pregnant women drink filtered water for the time being." (CBC)

Guess who was the lucky recipient of one of those 400,000 letters. Yours truly. Quelle thrill.

Now I have an excuse. Every time I act irrationally, I don't have to rely on the old PMS meme, I can now declare that lead in the water has made me looney. And what's good about this excuse is that I can use it every day of the year.

But seriously, this is a pain because I actually don't mind the taste of the tap water in my neighbourhood. I think it's acceptable. Maybe I just love the rich flavour of lead. Time to dig out my never-used water filter.

*And what about kitty cats? How much lead does it take to make a 15-pound cat go bonkers? Probably not much.

Garcia Marquez is 80

Gabriel Garcia Marquez is the author of both my favourite novel and my least favourite novel. How did he manage that?

Love in the Time of Cholera is my fave book ever. Bar none. I love that book. I can read it again and again and again.

Whereas, One Hundred Years of Solitude was pure torture. I think of it as One Hundred Years of Hitting Myself Repeatedly in the Head with a Blunt Object. I finished it because it was a gift, and then said never again. But about 10 years later, I thought, I'm going to read that book again. I'm older, wiser and I'll appreciate it more. Got about 20 pages in and gave up. I just can't stand that book.

Hurray!

The nutty astronaut love triangle is back in the news! I love this story.

And now it's better than ever because it contains that tasty tabloid treat...naughty e-mails! Whoo hoo. Everyone likes to read other people's naughty e-mails, right?

Actually, I feel sorry for the victim in this because she's already been attacked by the nut, and now her e-mails to her no-good cheatin' boyfriend are all over the Internet. So she gets to be the victim twice. That is really not fair.

But now we all know that Commander Catnip was "dating" these two women at the same time. Yay, we have a villain! I love a good villain.

First lesson learned: Gentlemen, when you are dating two women at the same time, and you are in bed with one, try to never, ever call her by the other woman's name. It just doesn't go over well. D'OH!!

More F**king Arctic Cold

Wah! I can't take this anymore.

It's minus 24 C this morning. What is that in Farenheit? Minus 3? Whatever. And it's windy, windy, windy. Windchill in the minus 30s.

And gas shot up overnight from 99/litre to $1.10 this morning. What's that about? We are surrounded by evil.

Just Leave, Already

I don't believe the Dick Cheney blood clot story. I think it's just the set-up for him to finally leave. Why they decided to go with a blood clot in the leg instead of the old familiar bum heart (he has a heart?) story, I don't know.

Maybe because Dr. House had a blood clot in the leg, and Cheney decided he wanted to go out sexy like House. Maybe not. I dunno.

The point is, this is the medical excuse that will be used for him to finally leave the Administration, thus making the world safer for the rest of us. He can leave to get a sex change, as far as I am concerned. Any medical reason, any reason at all, will do, just leave already.

Now the question is, who will the Chimperor put in his place, and thus anoint as his successor? Vice President Condi? Vice President Jeb?

SuperDuper Gross Creep-Out Story of the Day

Do FedEx guys know what they are delivering? They probably prefer not to know.

"An errant shipment of human body parts from China, destined for a U.S. laboratory, went mistakenly to the doorstep of a horrified Michigan couple on Thursday as a result of a delivery slip-up.

Franck Larmande discovered the error when he plunged his hands into the first of two packages labelled in Chinese and found a bubble-wrapped liver. Box No. 2 contained a partial human head.

"He started [opening] the second one, but stopped as soon as we saw the ear," Franck's wife, Ludivine, told the Grand Rapids Press newspaper. " (CBC)

More Lichtenstein

Forget about invading Liechtenstein; Lichtenstein is invading this blog.

Courtesy of JAW Fan's research, here is one featuring the infamous Brad. She'd rather drown than phone that rat Brad. Haven't we all felt this way, girls? (Joke!)

Still no pot roast, though.

JAW's Lichtensteiner joke explained

It's a Roy Lichtenstein reference. It went right over my head. On the other hand, JAW said he didn't know Lichtenstein was also a country. (I'm not sure if he was joking or not...)

Anyway, here's a couple of classic Lichtenstein paintings. I wanted to find one that actually referred to "Brad" or a pot roast, but I got lazy and gave up. These are worth a LOT of $$$$.

Headline of the Day

Swiss Accidentally Invade Liechtenstein

ZURICH, Switzerland (AP) -- What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein.

These things happen.

In a related story:

Liechtensteiners Thrilled to be in the News.

"Who cares if we were invaded? It proves we exist", declare jubliant citizens of tiny, near-fictional country.

C'est L'Hiver

It's snowing today. A LOT. (sigh)

It's coming down sideways again. From right to left across the office window.

Also, my boss just called in sick. Everything is pointing to a completely unproductive Friday.

Yo, M.D.

There's a new Taliban bad guy. Wolf Blitzer told me. His name is Mullah Dadullah.

Seriously.

You know why Mullah Dadullah is going to be one of the biggest bad guys the Tablian has ever spewed forth? Because his name will be easy for Bush to remember and pronounce.

Prediction: In Bush's next speech or news conference, he will repeat the name Mullah Dadullah at least half a dozen times.

Why do think Bush never calls Ahmadinejad by name? 'Cause he can't. Why is Ayman Al Zawahiri not a bigger presence in the terrorized American psyche than Osama bin Laden.

bin Laden easy, Al Zawahiri hard.

Mullah Dadullah will soon be haunting your American dreams. He will be the most ruthless, terrifying foe since Saddam (Hey, Saddam's easy to say, too!)

Ah, now there's some news

All I had to do was complain about the boring campaign and, spring!, a little drama appears.

Seems André Boisclair got more than a bit upset when a radio host in the Saguenay referred to the PQ candidate for the riding, who is gay, as "une tapette".

Wow. I don't think I've heard that word since high school.

It says a lot more about the radio announcer than it does about the candidate.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

After accusing North Korea in 2002 of pursuing parallel paths to a nuclear bomb, using plutonium and uranium, U.S. officials are now admitting doubts on the uranium program. (NY Times)

Five years after hurling endless scary accusations of impending doom, the Bushies are saying maybe the "facts" aren't as airtight as they first declared.

The only thing that continues to surprise me is that I continue to be surprised by each new admission that the Bush administration lied about something. I’ll never learn.

And now, with the recent agreement with North Korea, the Administration is huffing and puffing and saying "those Koreans better keep their end of the deal or else". Or else what? Would you keep your end of any deal with the Bush Administration? Why? You know they're lying. Are they completely unaware of their own zero credibility?

Election Campaign, Ho Hum

Maybe it’s just me but I don’t find the provincial election campaign very exciting so far. Nobody has said anything outstandingly stupid yet. There’s plenty of time left for that, I guess.

Where's Parizeau when we need him, by jove?

It’s a statistical three-way tie, but that doesn’t mean much, because I think it was the same thing last time, too. Does that mean a minority government for the Libs? Fine. Whatever.

I noted that the local PQ candidate has put up his signs around NDG. Poor guy. Talk about taking one for the team. I wonder how many people approach the Party and say: Please make me the PQ sacrificial lamb for the West End, pleeease. Perhaps this insures him some better riding in the future.

Russell Copeman, our incumbent MNA, has his posters up. They say: Vote for me and my giant Jewfro. Honestly, he could've gotten a decent haircut before getting his picture taken.

My riding always votes 85% Liberal, so my vote, whatever it is, is meaningless. If we have a Green in the running, I’ll throw away my vote in that direction. Otherwise, there must be a crazy Marxist-Leninist on the ballot, somewhere near the bottom. Just to make voting fun.

In yesterday's mail

I received a copy of sub Terrain, which is a literary magazine published in Vancouver.

And why did I receive my own copy of this high-falutin' publication?

Because it contained an excerpt from a work-in-progress by our very own Ms Mushrooms.

How exciting. How nice to see your (real) name in print. Congratulations on the first step to getting this Joycean never-ending magnum opus of Montreal to a publisher. One step at a time. So far, so good.

(Mea culpa: I haven't read it yet. I'm saving it for the weekend, when I'll be snowed in. Again.)