Yikes

The bail-out was rejected.

I have a shiny green wheelbarrow that I'm going to put my useless dollars in when I go to buy a loaf of bread. Whee!

Fortunately, all the skyscrapers on Wall Street now have windows that can't be opened, so we don't have to watch those guys jumping out. That's a relief.

News you need in times of need

I'm really depressed about the election, the economy and Paul Newman dying, so I need to change the tone.

Thank you Globe & Mail for the following: A Chinese herbal remedy called horny goat weed is a promising alternative to Viagra for impotent men, Italian researchers said on Monday.

Leave it to the Italians to buy marijuana from aroused Chinese goats.

Warning! national nightmare ahead

Noooooooooo!

Majority movement gains speed as Harper's lead soars (Globe & Mail)

Harper's lead soars.

Somebody, awaken me from my bad dream. A Conservative majority. Yikes.

The dinosaur museums in Alberta will have to change all their signs. "These dinosaurs walked the Earth six thousand years ago, side by side with man, when God created the world in six days. And on the seventh he rested."

What am I saying? Museums? We won't have no stinkin' museums. Museums are for elitists who like "art" and stuff like that, and ordinary Canadians don't like art. So sayeth Steve-o.

Weird and disturbing

Two stories about babies in the paper yesterday. Both in Bangladesh.

One was of a baby born weighing 33 pounds. The baby was unhealthy and died within minutes after birth. But the story is about the fact that thousands of people went to the parents' house to see the baby, and the parents had to hide him. Good God, mind your own business, people.

Second story involved a baby born with two heads last month. Again the child died, but in this case 150,000 people went to the town to see the baby. 150,000!

What is with these people? Leave these families alone. You think the trauma of this birth isn't bad enough but then they have their towns inundated with curious onlookers. Go home!

The Debate: News Flash!

McCain is a Grumpy Old Man.

Why are columnists, etc., surprised by this?

I, personally, thought the debate was a draw. BO did not wipe the floor with the GOM as I expected him to, so I didn't think McCain was that bad. But apparently I am not pundit material because all the "experts" seem to think Obama won. So what do I know?

I do predict, though, that there will not be any VP debate. It's too much of a train wreck in the making.

It was great to see Crazy Joe Biden on NBC and CNN post-debate, blabbing away about how his man did. And then followed by No Sarah Palin. She must've been hidden away in an undisclosed location. So who did the Republicans throw out there to support their side? Effing creep of all creeps Giulani. I had to bathe after seeing him. Icky. Poo Poo Rudy.

So long Fast Eddie

Wah! Paul Newman has died.

He was the first celebrity I've ever saw in person. When I was 12 or 13, he came to beautiful downtown Valleyfield to participate in a car race that was held on our frozen bay.

I hated winter even then, but I still trudged down to the bay to try to see him in person. Which I did, and from quite close-up. Certainly close enough that when I got home I said to my parents "he really does have very blue eyes". They were very, very blue.

He was in a lot of cool movies. We should play pool in his honour today.

A passing thought

Things are soooo shitty crappy lousy for the Republicans right now, this might be a good time to announce that they have captured bin Laden.

Osama, save us from Obama!

Excitement!

The debate is on for tonight. The political nerd in me is all a-tingle.

If I down a shot of scotch every time McCain mentions that he was a POW, I should be drunk in no time.

And assuming the Biden-Crazy Lady debate goes forward next Friday, I should be beside myself with anticipation by then. (Yes, I know we have our leaders' debate at the same time, but, well, the potential for live television disaster just isn't the same up here.)

Romantic Malebox Update

Back on July 8, I blogged this:

“I just got a pick-up offer from a verrrry cute Indian guy here in Montreal. Very cute indeed. Only problem is he's 27 years old. 2-7? Maybe I can ask him if his father is single...Got any photos of your dad, sonny? Too bad my niece already has a cute boyfriend. I'll reluctantly have to hit Delete again. My loss this time.”

Well, he has reappeared. And this time I figure why not meet him? It’s not like anything worthwhile has happened since July 8, right?

I asked him why he is not pursuing women his own age. He says he’s fed with them. Oh, those foolish, flighty young women!

It's a real crisis

President Chimperor will be on t.v. tonight to address the American nation about the financial crisis.

I know I speak for humans everywhere when I say: I am so relieved. Thank goodness he is on top of the situation.

My money feels safer already.

Seeing how reassuring he always is in any crisis, I feel this would be a good time for a run on the bank. Mattress stuffing to follow.

The Larry and Mahmoud Show

I watched a bit of Larry King’s interview with Mahmoud last night. But watching Larry is torture at the best of times, and last night he was just too stupid to deal with. I preferred to watch very obese people getting weighed on the Biggest Loser. Actually, how can any show other than Larry King Live be rightfully called the Bigger Loser. But I digress….

Larry seemed unclear on one concept. If you are talking through an interpreter, you…don’t…have...to…talk…slow….Larry. The interpreter understands English. It’s not like the interpreter is going to say no comprendo in Persian.

Also, Ahmadinejad may not know who Sarah Palin is exactly, and what job she is running for, but he does know that going on Larry King means a softball interview. No wonder he’s becoming a regular.

Most nauseating thing I saw on the news this a.m. Palin kissing Henry (why isn't he dead yet?) Kissinger. You could tell the old war criminal was surprised and possibly thinking, hey I still got it.

It's Bruce's Birthday

59 years old today. Eeeps. He's getting up there.

I LOVE this time of year

The house was really cold this morning so I decided to rev up the furnace. Not that I can afford to frivolously burn my preciousssss oil, but the place needed a jolt of heat.

So I turned up the thermostat...and....pfft. She no work.

It's going to be a grrrreat Fall and Winter. I can feel it in my bones.

Let's talk about....

It's time for a new feature: The Tuesday morning sex round-up!

Item 1:
A couple in South Africa who were having sex on a railway track in Mpumalanga Province have been killed by a goods train, police say. (BBC)

My first thought: there are worse ways to die. For example, being killed by a speeding train while not having sex.

Item 2:
I don't have the quote from the paper on this one, but I read over the weekend about a guy in Alberta (Edmonton? Calgary?) who has been arrested for visiting Open Houses and then masturbating in the bedrooms. Perhaps unclear on the concept of the master bedroom?

A real fixer-upper! Needs TLC.

Still thinking about DFW

In a moment that could’ve been captured by DFW himself, I just finished reading an appreciation of him. It went into his analysis of the emptiness of our world, etc., etc., the kind of thing I’ve been reading all week. And then, just after the end of the article, the sponsored link declared “I hate my yellow teeth”. I believe he could’ve appreciated that.


A DFW quote:

Learning how to think really means learning how to exercise some control over how and what you think. It means being conscious and aware enough to choose what you pay attention to and to choose how you construct meaning from experience. Because if you cannot exercise this kind of choice in adult life, you will be totally hosed.

Swiss cheese

That particle collider in Switzerland that was supposed to do something that accidentally destroys the universe has been shut down for repairs. For 2 months!

You realize what kind of backlog of uncollided particles this is going to cause. They better have a hotline set up in Bangalore to answer all those calls from irate customers saying "where am I supposed to go now to get my particles collided?" gawd.

Tell me if I'm being too cynical

My prediction for the "November surprise":

Two days before the US election: Palin's son who is in Iraq drunkenly slips on a bar of soap in the shower and cracks open his head, requiring a few stitches.

One day before the election: Major news stories everywhere about how the brave soldier was injured in an incident, but no details yet available.

Election day: Massive sympathy vote by True Patriots for the brave Mom of the brave wounded soldier.

Result: Idiots put McCain in the White House.

To market, to market

So both the TSX and the Dow are up over 400 points today. I just don't get the markets. On Monday it was doomsday and today it's like everybody decided to forget Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday and just be optimistic. I'm not complaining. I know this is good news.

Now I have a yard full of goats I need to unload.

What's it worth to ya?

Following the financial news this week, and being a hopeless nerd who actually spends precious minutes pondering such intangibles, I was thinking about how a $100 bill is just a piece of paper with the number 100 printed on it. It has value because we share a belief that that piece of paper, based solely on the belief we collectively put in it, is the equivalent of a certain amount of goods and/or services. Nothing gives it value other than our shared faith that a 100 is worth a 100. A hundred what? Dollars or pounds or yuans. But what are those things? Other pieces of paper. And faith.

What a way to run a world.

How do we determine what is worth handing over a paper with 100 written on it versus something that is only worth a piece of paper with 20 written on it.

Who invented this insanity?

At least in ancient times when coins were gold, they were gold. Gold is nice and shiny and tangible. You can touch it and it feels nice. And other people would like to have some too, so you can trade it for stuff. But paper with somebody's face on it? I don't get it. Bring back the Gold Standard!

Human beings are far too unstable and insane to be depended upon to handle this kind of abstract transaction. Yet we all do it. And we never question it. How do we determine worth? And how do we transfer our understanding of what a good or service is “worth” onto a piece of paper?

I won’t even begin to contemplate stocks and bonds. Something like $2 trillion has "disappeared" from the world economy this year. It is all about faith, isn't it? Is there anything else (maybe religion?) that can control every day of our lives, and we just accept that it can vanish.

Things shouldn't just disappear. I'm cashing in my mutual funds (whatever the hell they are) for an equal value of goats. That way, when my assets expire, I can eat them.

A Montreal moment

The other day I was across the street from work picking up a coffee. And there were these two men in their mid-to-late sixties, speaking French, having a coffee and talking. In French.

And one is saying: "I can't place him."
The other: "You'd know him if you saw him. He was a team with his wife. I can't remember her name. He's really short."
First guy: "What was his name again?"
Second guy: "Jerry Stiller. He is so funny."

I resisted the urge to walk over and say Anne Meara. I almost did, though.

Here I go again

I have to go to NYC in mid-October to write an exam for a job at the Head Office of the powers-that-be. My expenses will NOT be paid. If I pass the exam, and get an interview, then they pay those expenses, but not this time. Cheap-o.

Oh well. I think the experience of going there and sitting in the hallowed halls is worth the money. Who knows? Maybe I'll do okay, and they'll offer me a job. Right.

Somewhere, Karl Marx is smiling

85 billion here, 85 billion there.
Pretty soon, you're talking real money.

So, down in Pinko America, the government saved a major private insurance company by taking over while handing them a 2-year loan.

On the news they say, markets breathed a sigh of relief. It's only 2 years, people. How dumb is "the market"? What do they think is going to happen in the next 2 years? Planet Earth will win the inter-galactic 6/49 and all our money problems will be over.

Maybe I'm an overly long-term thinker, but a 2-year respite, to me, means start looking for another job. In 2 years, the company is going to need another loan.

AIG = Welfare queen.

In business news 2

I've just been discussing the astronomical losses involved in the Lehman Bros bankruptcy. (yes, instead of working.)

A colleague's back-of-the-napkin calculations showed that, on a level we can understand, the devaluation of their assets is the equivalent of my having $450 in my bank account, and going to the bank and discovering that all of it had evaporated except for 15 cents.

As one other colleague said: Hey, I'd be so pisssed off if that happened!

Indeed.

It's not much a stretch to go from that image to those 1920s Germans* buying a loaf of bread with a wheelbarrow full of cash.

(*or 2008 Zimbabweans)

We're freakin' doomed, aren't we?

V-a-c-a-t-i-o-n

The countdown beginneth. 2 months (long months? short months?) from today I depart on a hiking holiday adventure.

Lucky citizens all over the island of Cuba will have an opportunity to laugh riotously at my attempts to haul my fat backside over their hillsides.

Hey, these folks have been through a lot this season, and they deserve some comic relief.

I haven't got the actual itinerary yet, but in addition to 7 hikes the trip includes a day or two in Havana. Yay.

Me gusto La Habana! arriba.

In business news

After Lehman Bros., now it looks like AIG might be next to go belly up.

Does that mean the guy with the accent will be out of a job?

Will we never see him again, and thus never figure out just what kind of accent he has?

This week on Mad Men

Duck, Crab, Crab, Duck. That was classic Roger.

DFW

Last night I decided to re-read Wallace's article for Harper's about his 7-night Caribbean Cruise. It's probably my favourite piece of writing by him. It is sooo funny.

What shocked me was, in the first 10 pages or so, suicide comes up again and again. I didn't remember that at all. It was spooky.

One of his points was that the endless pampering and comfort and forced enjoyment of a luxury cruise brings on a sense of despair.

But I was still laughing at the funny bits.

Holy Shit!

David Foster Wallace killed himself.

Wow.

This is the kind of news that makes me relieved I'm not a genius.

Crap.

All Hail Ray!

Our new hero:

South of Galveston, authorities said 67-year-old Ray Wilkinson was the only resident who didn't leave Surfside Beach, population 800. He was drunk and waving when authorities reached him on Saturday morning. "He kinda drank his way through the night," Mayor Larry Davison said. (Globe & Mail)

Certain Death?

OK. The US National Weather Service is getting scary. Usually their reports use nice words like "low pressure system" and "chance of showers" but not today. Today they're threatening CERTAIN DEATH in the path of the hurricane. Yikes.

"Persons not heeding evacuation orders in single family one- or two-storey homes will face certain death."

Stop it. You're scaring me!

ABC

Thank god for loose cannons. Danny Williams plainly said what everyone knows but nobody in the public sphere dared say yet: A Tory majority will be the worst thing ever for this country.

That he said it while a guy promenaded around the meeting hall in a puffin costume just added to the "drama". I enjoyed it.

Of course, this will cost Newfoundland dearly if Devil in a Blue Sweater does get his majority, but at least it has been said. And the way things are looking now, the majority seems less likely to me. Fingers crossed.

Book news: Bor-ing

I'm reading Women in Love. It's the first Lawrence I've read. And I'm hating it. I've struggled through 200 pages but I'm on the verge of throwing in the towel on this lot of self-absorbed nitwits.

In real life, I'm against guns. But as these are fictional characters, I'm more than ready to line them all up against a rustic English stone wall and mow them down. I really hate this bunch of idiots.

It's a Wonder(wall)

As an Oasis fan, I am under obligation to comment on the fact that Noel was attacked on stage the other night in Toronto.

The only thing that makes this newsworthy is that it was not Liam who attacked him.

If it had been Liam, the incident would've been called just a regular Sunday.

I hate Steve (October Election: 1st in a series)

Devil with a blue sweater,
blue sweater, blue sweater,
Devil with a blue sweater on.

How I hate him.

And anyone who watched The National last night must've, like me, been wondering: when is he going to shake hands with that baby? For those missed it, there was Steve in his blue v-neck, breakfasting with an Asian family in BC. Would you let Steve spoon-feed your baby? How did they coerce these nice decent-looking people into letting Steve into their kitchen?

Meanwhile, there is Stephane yelling in French (the only language he can comfortably yell in) that Steve is a liar, liar, liar. Is anyone listening?

No Green Party allowed in the debate. But they have an MP! He's corrupt, but he's still theirs!

Computerless

I remain computerless at home. The "guy" told me I would get my laptop back on Thursday. With a new hard disk. Whatever.

Mr. Anonymous tells me to buy a Mac. Apparently if I do this I will live forever in Happy Computer Heaven. I repeat: whatever.

What the true inconvenience is here is that it means I have to watch Mad Men at the office again this week. I did this after 5:00 p.m. one day last week and it seemed like a bad idea since Draper seemed to spend half the episode in bed with his latest (loud) moaning conquest. Not to mention a scene with burlesque dancers. I didn't want the cleaning lady walking in on me and my pseudo Draper softcore. Maybe the characters will be better behaved this week.

And they're off!

It's Election time. wheee. I'm sure JAW Fan is on the edge of his seat.

I can only see one good thing about the campaign so far. It has knocked the Crazy Lady from Alaska off our Canadian t.v.'s. Good.

Two bad things about the NDP: Jack has decided to give speeches that include the words "when I am Prime Minister" which sound delusional, and he has decided to embrace the Obama themes of "hope" and "change", which is embarrassing and unoriginal.

A Tory Majority must be avoided at all costs. Heck, I'd vote for the Bloc now if I thought it could keep Harper in his place. Uppity Westerner!

As usual, my vote will mean less than zero, as I remain in my 80%+ Liberal enclave. Some day, I'd like to have a vote that means something. Never in this neighbourhood.

Romantic Malebox News: At last!

This is it.

I've found him. The one. The perfect man. He is 44, lives in Ottawa, owns cats and plays the bagpipes.

Now I have to come up with an incredibly witty e-mail to approach him with. Suggestions?

More Politics

I didn't watch any of McGrumpy's speech last night. I couldn't be bothered, preferred to go to bed early.

But this morning I quickly flipped to CNN and ABC, and both networks were talking about....Sarah Palin's speech. This leads me to suspect that McC underwhelmed the crowd?

Whatever. Our campaign starts Monday, and the CBC was tearing into Harper last night about breaking his own election law. This could be fun.

Not Complaining

Well, I'm completing Work Day Two of my non-complaining campaign. It was not too difficult today, only because I worked in my office all day and hardly spoke to anybody. I don't think this is quite how it's supposed to work.

God Help America

Couple of things. I watched the Republicans on and off throughout the evening. But the Williams sisters were playing an absolutely thrilling quarter-final match at the US Open, so they were much, much more interesting to me than politics. I was rooting for Venus, but she lost. Oh well.

I still like Huckabee. I can’t help it. I like the guy. And it’s fair to say he is the one and only Repub that I like.

Romney is insane. Living in never, never land. Just bizarre. Giulani is so, so slimy, I felt like I needed a shower after listening to him. I didn’t listen or watch much. What a pig that guy is. All the scrubbing in the world won’t take the sliminess of Rudy away. As I watched Rudy, I kept thinking he’s been married three times and has had god knows how many mistresses. Who would have sex with this guy? Ick. But that’s just me.

As for Palin? Put the baby away. The whole dang family, plus Cindy McCain, was manhandling that poor baby. What’s a baby doing at a convention? That was nuts, and exploitative on a whole new dimension of exploitation. Shameless people. And those two teenagers? They really look like they are ready to be husband and wife. Leave them at home. It’s like that line from Juno: she’s already pregnant, what worse shenanigans could they get up to.

Meanwhile, back in Eastern Europe, Condi is giving $1 billion to Georgia, and Darth Cheney is growling to the Russians to back off. This is good? Vlad’s loading fresh tranquilizer darts, no doubt. Is this what will win it for McCain, a war with Russia before November? Cra-zee.

3 More Dead

We lost 3 more soldiers in Afghanistan today.

Their ages:
23
21 and
21.

I can't remember if any of the major parties voted against the extension of this mission until 2011. Maybe the NDP did. Anyone remember? Whoever voted against it gets my vote. Even if it was the Bloc. There's no way we should've extended beyond the original date of 2009. This is sad and pointless.

Yikes

The NY Times has pictures of McAncient McCain meeting the Palin family at the airport, including the teen-age baby-daddy. Poor kid. He's just a dumb teen-ager, and now he's stuck posing with McCain. And this may just be the sweater he's wearing, but it looks like he's a 17-year-old with a beer gut.

This should be a lesson to all teens. If you don't want to get stuck having to smile for photo ops with creepy scary oldster McCain, wear a condom!

McCain is so old looking in these photos. I want to draw in a bubble that has him saying "thank you for visiting my crypt". Creepy.

What has happened to his black daughter? Has she attended any events at all? Everybody else's kids are all over the place, but McC's adopted daughter is persona non white-a grata.

More about nothing

In the paper on Saturday was a review of a book by a guy who sez we should all stop complaining in order to enjoy our lives more.

I can't argue with that, but it would be a tad difficult.

Anyway, I have decided to undertake this challenge. Excluding on this blog (which face it, if I stopped complaining here, I might as well log off forever), I am trying to reduce my complaining and criticism to zero.

We agreed at work that if we all did this here, the building would sit within a cone of silence.

But I am going to sincerely try this, because I do agree that negativeness breeds more negativeness, and I am already so effing negative that maybe I need to lighten up a bit.

Any bets on how long I can last? 24 hours? 48? Would you believe 2?

Nothing's New

Is it me, or has nothing interesting happened since Vlad tranquilized the tiger. I'm a bit upset that Vlad isn't getting more publicity for having shot the tiger. Of course, I'm sure Vlad is a lot more upset about this lack of publicity than I am. But how could he know he'd be up against Alaskan-crazy-woman aka bad-mom-from-Hell in the news cycle?

I'm just sitting around, waiting for Steve to call his little election so I can get all nerdy and excited about it. tra la la.

Has this ever happened to you? I was sitting in a restaurant on Saturday with two friends, and a woman walked up to our table and asked me if I was [insert any name here]. I don't remember who she thought I was, but I said no and she apologized and went back to her table. Ever since then, I'm DYING to know what this mystery person looked like, who allegedly looks so much like me as to lead to this inquiry. I've never met anybody who looks a lot like me. Maybe (most probably) if I saw her, I'd think she didn't look like me at all.

When I was a Con U, there was a man in my class who (I thought) didn't look a thing like me, but a classmate asked if we were brother and sister. Since I don't have a brother, I'd never imagined what a brother o' mine would look like. Maybe like that guy.

The only bro and sis I know who astound me in their resemblance are Mr. Anonymous and Sister Anonymous. They're like twins! But they're not!

Oh, Jerry Reed died. The obits talk about his acting career, but I only think of him as the guy who sang Amos Moses, which is a cool song.

In F**king Chip News

As promised, intrepid tester JAW Fan checks in:

This weekend, in my ongoing quest to discover new and exciting flavours of chips, I stumbled across Herr's Horesradish and Cheddar chips. "Herr's," I thought to myself. Who are these chip people?" Feeling a little apprehensive (somewhat akin to Carol Channing at a KKK convention), I purchased them out of a sense of intrigue...Let's face it, Ketchup chips don't really taste like ketchup, Sour Cream & Onion chips don't really taste like SC & O either, and the now defunct Roast Chicken chips never had anyone thinking they were dining on poultry...so what did these chips taste like? Well, they tasted like f * *king horseradish. Did the cheddar portion help to soothe things out? No! They just tasted like f * *king horseradish. My nostrils were burning the whole time. Now, I enjoy a dollop of horseradish in a dip or a pat in a sandwich, but this was like eating f * *king horesradish out of a jar with a spoon...and that's just f * *king crazy!!!! I don't know what the hell these Herr's people were thinking, but they better go back to the old drawing board. I'm certain two or three chips stuffed into a roast beef sandwich would be satisfyingly tasty, but that just ain't going to happen, as it will be a cold day in hell (or if my nose is blocked and the pharmacy is out of Dristan Nasal Spray) before I purchase these again. On the Wang-o-Meter, these dud spuds rate a sad and impotent one inch.

Editor's note: Are Herr's German, as in Mein Herr? If so, that would explain the sadism of this chip flavour. You know how those people are...

In Family News

My cousin won $100,000 in the lottery. He's in New Brunswick and I haven't seen him in a million years, but this is still neat.

What has he done with the money, you may well ask? He put 90 thousand down on his mortgage and spent the rest on a new roof.

Really, sometimes, we are the most sensible* family on Earth.


*i.e. boring

In Other Big News

Killer Kowalski died.

Aw, that makes me sad.

Computer-less

My home computer is dead for the moment. It appears to have been felled by an evil virus. So I'll have some blogging catching up to do today, including a chip review by JAW Fan.

In international news, I can't decide what's the better story: Palin's pregnant daughter or Putin shooting the tiger. I gotta give the win to Vlad. That is the most unbelievable slice of soviet-style propaganda I've ever seen. Kudos, Vlad!

stay tuned...