Oh Yeah, Baby, The Earth Moved

I was brushing my teeth last night before bed, when that unmistakable rumbling occurred.

It was a 3.9. Not enough for the house to shake, but it went on far too long for it to be just a heavy truck on the next street.

We're having a earthquake, I said to the cats, who surprisingly and very un-cat-like were not freaking out. My cats have no earthquake detectors. This is good to know. See if I save them in their moment of need! Ha! meow indeed.

Odd Olympics

Went out last night for my birthday. Had cocktails, had fun.

When I got home, I turned on the t.v. Canada had won 4 medals. This afternoon, I just watched for about 15 minutes and Canada won 2 more gold medals. Just like that.

This must be what it feels like to be American.

Romantic Phone Box

I talked on the phone last night with a new guy. Within 30 seconds, he said "I can't get over your voice." Apparently, my voice on the phone is "assertive" and "confident".

Okay. Vote time: anyone who has ever spoken to me on the phone, tell me do I have an assertive and/or confident voice?

I've always, always hated the sound of my voice.

Then he asked me if I had a lot of people working for me because I sound like a boss. Really? Given my conversation of 2 days ago with my boss, I took this as a great omen. If I believed in omens, that is.

So my assertive and confident voice threw him off his "game plan" for the conversation. Meaning what? He said he had planned to "charm" me but realized immediately this was not going to work.

This was not a bad thing, as we did make plans to meet next week. But I wonder if I am uncharmable, does this also mean that (to use a great word from the song that this blog takes its name from) I am also unboyfriendable?

Start calling me The Boss.

The Man in Black

Today is Johnny Cash's birthday. He would have been 78.

I guess this makes me the Second Coolest person born on this date. And, yes, that does mean I am putting myself ahead of Tony Randall. I dare you to argue with me.

(Anyone who chooses to argue with me better take a good look at the facial expression on the Aztec goddess below. You don't want that face looking back at you.)

In honour of my Birthday

I am posting this photo of an intricate sand drawing an Aztec fertility goddess that was seen on the beach while JAW Fan was in Mexico. Reminds me of somebody...

Phrase of the Day

I had the Finland - Czech Republic hockey game on for a bit last night, but wasn't really paying attention. At one point, the puck went between a goaltender's thighs and kind of bounced to and fro a couple of times.

The announcer said "the puck rattled around his five hole".

Today's assignment: how to work this great expression into everyday conversation. I do realize that any good Canadian who watches hockey (i.e. 98% of good Canadians) knows what this means, but there's got to be a new meaning to attach to this colourful turn of phrase.

Machiavelli would be proud

Loyal readers of this blog will recall that I have two New Year's Resolutions involving a Machiavellian plan to secure my boss's job.

This afternoon, my boss pops into my office, something she rarely does, sits herself down and says: "When I go, are you going to apply for my job?" Not being a liar, I said: "Yes. I'm certainly considering it."

She answered: "Oh thank god because you're the only one who's qualified to do it." She looked immensely relieved. What followed was a surreal conversation. I felt myself floating above, looking down, and wondering what the hell is this about? Is she planning on leaving soon? Could be. Does she think her current deputy is incompetent and unfit to take over. She certainly does.

Canada vs Russia

Any predictions on how badly the Canadian men's hockey team is going to S.t.B. today?

There are 3 options:
a) totally
b) completely
c) totally, completely.

Vote early, vote often.
Vive Lecavalier.
UPDATE: Sucking the bag is also a Russian past-time. Who knew?

Celebrity Birthday

ABE VIGODA!

89, and still rockin' it.*


*I have no idea what that expression means "rockin' it" . In this case, let's assume it means his favourite chair. But otherwise, I dunno.

Happy Birthday Abe, my fellow fish.

Movie News

Yesterday I saw the movie Precious. About the only thing on Earth more bleak, hopeless and depressing than Canada's men's hockey team.

This is what killed me. I read in a couple of places that, although grim, the movie had an uplifting ending. That totally escaped me. This movie ends with the 17-year-old mother of two, freeing herself from her abusive mother once and for all. Fine and good. Except she is a 17-year-old mother of two, one of whom has Down Syndrome. And the young mother reads at a Grade 8 level, has no prospects for anything for herself or her kids, AND is HIV positive. In the 1980s. Anyone who got HIV in the 1980s died. So I was not uplifted by seeing those little soon-to-be-orphan kids walking down the street with their soon-to-be-dead mother.

As I said to my friend as we left, yes, it was a movie, but that was not entertainment.

The End.

Canada's Men's Hockey Team

S.T.B.

The End of Al

My old neighbour, Al Haig, has died. I guess he's really not in control now.

And he really was my neighbour. He lived in the incredibly fancy condo building right next door to my very-nice-but-ordinary-by-DC-standards apartment building. All I had in my building was a couple of lousy Congressmen.

I will never forget some Congressman's wife in the lobby yelling at some poor shlub on the front desk. "Do you know who my husband is? Do you know who my husband is?" The guy's face was so passive, he did not give a shit who her husband was. heh heh.

Have fun in hell, Al. Say hi to Ronnie.

Weird Friday

I'm up to date in my work. I asked my boss for another task and she didn't have anything to give me. And, better yet, she has an appointment this aft and will be away, so I have nothing to do.

If I am using this expression correctly, I believe I am now in a position to arse the dog.

Happy Birthday, Mrs. Anon

A mere chickie of 42. Enjoy it while you can. I think I say the same thing every year.

You'll never catch up to us, lucky you.

Make sure your husband spoils you today, by... I dunno, doing something he normally doesn't do. Now is that too much to ask? eh? Is it?

Olympic Shoot-out S***

Canada's men's hockey team sucks the bag.

I mean, really, it had to go to the shoot-out...against the Swiss?

This is what they get for not putting Lecavalier or St-Louis on the team.

Vive le Quebec libre. I'm separating.

Happy Birthday, Ms. Mushrooms!

Another one bites the dust, i.e. "bites the dust" meaning enters her 50th year.

Oh joy. Isn't this fun for all of us?

Enjoy this final year of your glorious 40s. They were glorious, weren't they? Sure they were.

Back to work

I'm facing one of those dilemmas today. I'm between tasks and should be asking my boss to assign me a project, but I don't feeeeel like it. So I'm puttering around, not doing much. I could've wasted another vacation day at home, feeling depressed and over-eating. I guess it is probably better to be here.

I've been hired to edit someone's Ph.D dissertation. The woman is Chinese and lives in Europe. This ought to be interesting. I'm sure I'll be bitching about it until December. Oh well. I must build up some freelance experience in case I get tossed out on my ear.

I'm already thinking about the vacation I will take in 2011 with this Xtra $$. hmmm.

Not-at-all Sick Day

I'm home today, but I am not sick. I'm just escaping. The negativity of my colleagues is killing me.

So I am home......decluttering! Yes. Another attempt at decluttering. Onward! (I mean, onward after I have coffee and breakfast which I haven't had yet.)

Onward! soon-ish.

Olympian question

Why do male figure skaters now wear black gloves?

When did this start? and what gives with that?

I can't count the rotations on a quad. It always looks like a triple to me. It's too fast.

The Mexican

JAW Fan is back from Mexico. Take it away...

And so, once again, I have returned from Puerto Vallarta, land of bulging Speedos and wang-o-meter-worthy snacks. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Mexicans sure know how to make a potato chip. When the bag says "queso" (cheese), it's the quesoiest. When it's "chipotle", it's hoppin' with chipotlin' flavour...Bless you, my masked wrestler-lovin' amigos. Bless you!

This year I dove into a different pool and experimented a little more with the Doritos brand...Diabolo, Incognita (mystery flavour, as the bag had a question mark on it), and Pizza flavours were all sampled. And "me gusto" all of them. In order they tasted as follows: Spicy Cheese, Smokey Chipotle Barbecue, and Pizza Light (much better than that crappy fake Pizza flavour we are used to here.) The first two were covered in a beautifully incandescent spice mix (everything we expect from a Dorito) that had your nails changing colour. You never quite knew where the chip ended and your fingers began...mmmm!!! and double mmmm!!!...because once the bag was finished, you could still suck on your fingers for more flavour.

After last year's Ruffles Extra Picante debacle, I was naturally obligated to sample them again. Well, what a "sorpresa" (surpise, to us Gringos.) Either Mexican Chip laws have forced the Ruffles gang to lower the hot factor in their snacks...or my taste buds have grown accustomed to their taste...but what took four days to consume last year was now finished in less than four minutes. (Although on an aside note, the Spicy Octopus Tacos I ate at a seafood restaurant were another story...ay-yi-yi-yi-yi, mi pobre boca...no puedo creer que una cosa puede ser si picante!!!!!)

But this year's definite chip winner was Tostidos Salsa Verde...worthy of a three-sack purchase. Each bite was like French-kissing someone who had just recently consumed a delicious meal. Salty, Savoury, and Sexy. Am fortunate that I was not wearing a Speedo at the time...for these chart toppers would have resulted in mucho embarrassment, if you know what I mean.

On a whole, the Mexican Chip Experience rates a tremendously tumescent 10 inches of love on the ever-so-popular wang-o-meter. I anxiously look forward to putting these giant hot-crotch treats into my mouth again next year.
Adios.

One little comment

Did they really have to remake We Are The World for Haitian relief?

I'm going to revive an old high school saying here, but that song sucked the bag back in 1985. There is no need to torture us with it again.

(This is the cue for Mr. Anonymous to recount his bored stripper story*.)

(*I'll bet my failing memory has failed me again, and it isn't this song....let us wait and see.)

Canadian Gold

Well, thank goodness we got that over quickly. I couldn't stand listening to that "when will Canada win its first gold on home soil" crap for much longer.

Can we all just get on with our lives now? thank you.

I didn't see the final live because I was entertaining my surprise Valentine's visitor.

Don't kill me.

It was Kumar.

He's like my own personal Borg. Resistance is futile.

Encouraging headline of the day

"Fewer Canadians living life toothless" Thank you, Statistics Canada.

This reminds me of my maternal grandfather. He had one tooth. As kids, we would make him show us his one tooth.

Then one day, it fell out.

He would still eat corn on the cob, but he had to dig the kernels out of the cob with his fork and then eat the corn on his fork. As a kid, this was a mind blower for me.

Opening Ceremonies Recap

Being a true Canadian, I must focus on the big fail of the evening. The defective hydraulic lift. Somewhere in Vancouver, an engineer lost his job last night. I guess he is lucky. If this screw-up had happened in Beijing, that engineer would be dead.

But Nancy Greene just kept smiling and waving. Am I alone, or does everyone crave a Mars bar when they see Nancy Greene? Steve Nash looked like he was having an anxiety attack.

Who knew Barbara Ann Scott was still alive? Raise your hands, everybody who thought she’d died years ago. (Hand raised here) I should be so perky at 81. Or 51, for that matter.

That wheat field number is the most attention W.O. Mitchell has got in 60 years.

When is somebody going to realize that while Halleljuah is a great, great song, its lyrics aren’t really appropriate for anything but a concert setting? At least k.d. avoided Leonard’s line about “moving inside you”. And, I say this as somebody who has weight to lose herself, but k.d. is looking pretty hefty these days.

Some very, very old-looking native people danced non-stop for over an hour. I was impressed.

The German flag bearer. Two words: Master Race.

But to get back to failed hydraulic lift. It is good when these things happen, when there is a noticeable glitch in a major event. It reminded me of when Obama took the Oath of Office and the ding-dong Chief Just of the Supreme Court flubbed it. When I make an idiot of myself, or more often simply worry about making an idiot of myself, these mistakes that have been broadcast worldwide will come to mind. And I will really be able to think, what’s the worst that could happen? Obama had to retake the Oath, and Catriona LeMay Doan had to stand there with her torch, like a doofus with nothing to light. But the world didn’t end. Life goes on.

Olympic Swoon, First in a very long Series

Oh look! It's Apollo Ohno on NBC.

He's still got it, baby.

Olympic Coverage Gripe, First in a very long Series

I never thought I would say this, but I'm already sick of Donald Sutherland's narration of absolutely everything.

Gravitas!

Enough of the heavy duty drama, already.

Icky nausea-inducing headline of the month

"Celine Dion missing Olympics to conceive a baby"

Who needs to know this?
WHO? Show yourselves, you people who need to know this.
Show yourselves!

Mmeh

Apparently I am lacking in Olympic fever.

Last night, talking to my sister and she said (excitedly) "Tomorrow night is the opening ceremonies" and I thought "mmeh".

Just now, my colleague was telling me how she decided to reschedule an appointment because it was going to run late and she wouldn't be home in time to watch the opening ceremonies. And I thought "mmeh".

I'm sure I'll come around to it.

Oh No

The Olympics start tomorrow, and you know what that means...

Over two weeks of having to endure hearing the word "medal" used as a verb. "Canada will medal in men's hockey".

I will get crankier and crankier as the games go on...

2nd complaint: what's with the spammers in our little comments section. It used to be a safe haven. Annoying.

Alert!

I have been following closely the horrific story of the wing commander who is charged with two murders and a couple of home invasion assaults, the guy that all the co-workers and neighbours say is a terrific person who they would never in a million years suspect of such terrible crimes.

Let me say this right now. You never know what your neighbours are truly up to. But I am totally ready to accuse my neighbour of any crime whatsoever.

Therefore, I wish to clearly state that if anything happens to me, the first suspect must be my Crazy Polish Neighbour. Don't let him get away with it, especially if I have been brained with a shovel. HE DID IT.

It's that time again

What time, you ask? Municipal tax time. Mine have gone up $160 this year. THIEVES!

For the first time in history, I have paid my taxes before JAW Fan pays his. This is only because he is out of the country, but I can guarantee that next Monday he will be at bank, relieving himself (!) of this bill. O, how he hates an unpaid bill.

No ticky, no trippy

Today I went to Central Station and picked up my train ticket to the Holy City for Easter.

When I arrived home, I put the ticket in "the spot", the spot being the place where tickets go. The place where I know the ticket has been put and will remain until the day of my departure.

The ticket is there. I will check it every day to ensure it remains there. You can bet on it.

Oh god, how dumb

Early in the First Quarter, the commentator on the Super Bowl game actually commented on a pass and said the receiver "caught it with his hands".

I don't even have a snarky remark for this.

Consolation Prize

On Friday evening, in the midst of the madness of MFTD, I spoke to the purring Persian who had to listen to my tale of woe.

Yesterday, he asked me if I had found the ticket. More tale of woe ensued. So he said, "so, we can meet up."

So I met up with the purring Persian. He told me when I told him the name Magnetic Fields, he watched a few videos on YouTube. He said they were awful, "like nursery rhymes". But other than that, we got along fine.

After a couple of hours of conversation, he said "I'm so happy you lost that ticket."

At least somebody is.

I look forward to hearing about the show.

MFTD

This morning I have put the Magnetic Fields Ticket Disaster into perspective. Yes, it's bad, but it could be so much worse. The reasons:

1. Ticket costs $37, compared to the L. Cohen ticket of two years ago that was about $175, this is not a big loss.

2. MF are a relatively young band who may tour again, thus I will have (I hope) another opportunity to see them, compared to L. Cohen who is old and may drop dead any day now.

3. I had only my own ticket to lose, compared to last weekend when our gang went to the Centaur and I had purchased and was in possession of EIGHT (8) tickets. What if I had lost those? Someone's birthday would've been ruined.

4. Today is Mr. Anonymous's birthday, but the MFTD has not ruined it!

5. There are 2 other people (J&J) going together, so it is not like I have left one person stuck going by him/herself.

6. This has provided me with another "boy, am I stupid" blog post to share with the world.

I lost my ticket

Looks like I won't be going to Magnetic Fields after all. I lost my ticket.

I've spent the last two hours tearing the house apart, looking through my recycling bin, on my shelves, tables, under furniture. The ticket is not to be found.

And the show appears to be sold out.

I can't believe this has happened.

Insert joke here

I took Miss Hitler over to the groomer for a bum shave this morning. She is squeaky clean and ready for her porn close-up now.

Funny how cats alter their personalities when they go in public. It was such a delight to hear her described as "so good", "so affectionate", "a sweetheart" and "a real sweetie".

Within 5 minutes back in the house, she had reverted to The Tyrant of Belmore.

She is what she is.

More M Fields

Looking forward to see Magnetic Fields on Saturday.

At the risk of stating the obvious, I have to say that one thing I consistently love about Stephin Merritt is his unshakeable belief that every minor romantic malaise or major heartbreak can be soothed by booze.

But would I have more fun?

This past weekend, Nickname Pending (who needs a better nickname, so let’s call him The Tall One, since he is) asked me if I would dye my hair blonde for him.

Nobody has ever asked me this before. I said “No”.*

Blonde, eh? Given my eyebrow(s) and how dark it is (they are), this is like asking Bert from Sesame Street to go blonde.

I believe the word I am looking for is “incongruous”.


*This may not be one hundred percent accurate. I may have shrieked “Are you crazy?”

Happy Birth Day, Jim Joyce

It's February 2, and everyone knows that every February 2, James "The G-Hog" Joyce comes out of his hole and if he sees his shadow we will have six more weeks of streamofconsciousnessnavelgazingcatholicguilt.
yes! yes!

Let er Rip

"Rip Torn will appear before a Connecticut judge again, this time to face allegations the 78-year-old actor broke into a bank with a loaded gun while intoxicated."

Good god, man. You're 78 years old. What the hell is the matter with you?

You know who I want to see at 78 years old, breaking into a bank with a loaded gun while intoxicated?

Mr. Anonymous.

Dunno why. I just wanna live to see that.