Chip Review Time, hosted by your friend JAW Fan

Well, our good ol’ friend Mr. President’s Choice has released two new flavours of chips: Ranch Chipotle and Jamaican Jerk Chicken. And, naturally, this Potato Mad Daddy had to sample both (at an event where B52s were featured…not the New Wave band, but that delicious blend of Bailey’s and Tia Maria in a shooter format) Fortunately, the sampling of these snacks took place prior to inebriation, so I can honestly tell you that this review is not tainted with any of that mumbo-jumbo Mother Alcohol may have to offer.

Ranch Chipotle…Did they make me feel like a Mexican Cowboy with a lasso in hand, prepared to rope the first stallion stud that walked my way? No, of course not..but then who needs a chip for that? Best way to sum them up would be “Cool BBQ”…pleasant to the palette and not overpowering. I’ve never really been a big fan of Ranch chips (sorry, Nanuk) but, thanks to the added kick here, these managed to make the horse in my hacienda hop with happiness.

As for the Jamaican Jerk Chicken…well, I can honestly say that I have never tasted a potato chip like this one. Is that a good thing? I don’t know. What I do know is that I couldn’t stop eating them…even though the odd mixture of hot spice and simulated chicken flavour left me wondering just what the hell kind of freaky chemical mixture did they put into their seasoning. Still, I would eat them again in a second. Were they truly delicious? No. Just curiously different. What can they be compared to? Beats the f**k outta me!

As for the wang-o-meter…it was up, it was down, it was spinning all around, it was flashing, it was blinking, not quite sure what it was thinking. My best advice to y’all is to sample these on your own. If you want to play it safe? Go with the Ranch Chipotle. If you want to try a new experience? Go for the Jamaican Jerk Chicken. If you want to get your hands on my wang-o-meter? Found out the hard way that all it takes is three beers and four B52s.

La Petite Vie

On the weekend, FF was trying to decide whether he should pursue a more serious relationship with the Hippie Witch. This was one of those long, rambling talks that 20-somethings love to indulge in. At one point, he says: "I dunno. I don't think I'm ready to live with someone else right now."

So I gave him a look. Apparently he doesn't realize where he is living or that there is another person living here, i.e. moi.

"What?" he says, then laughs. "Oh, I don't live here". So he doesn't live here. Who knew? Sure seemed like it to me. He says he doesn't "live" here because he could pack up his stuff and be gone in one night, so that's not living here. I get it. Then he says: "this is a....what's the word...a pied-a-terre".

I was ready to put my pied in his backside.

In other news, on Saturday morning, he insisted on teaching me some basic self-defense. He's been bugging me about this for a while now. I relented, and we adopted face-to-face positions and he taught me to throw a punch. (He started learning martial arts at the age of 3.) Apparently, one day in the future when some goon attempts to steal my purse, I will be happy that FF has taught me to punch the guy in the throat. Being a total wimp and a spazz, I did not want to even try this. But I did it anyway. He was happy that I tried.

Now I can punch him in the throat. :)

Domestic shocker

So I'm on my computer, and I see a file for FF's CV. I open it (because I'm nosey and, hey, it's on MY computer). It's a well-designed CV, but there's only one problem: It's got MY home address on it. Yikes!

He's never leaving? Is he?

In other non-news: Fuck this fucking rain! .....fuck.

Domestic news

This morning, FF dragged himself out of bed and announced that he believes the reason he is depressed lately is because he needs his own place. I am amazed he came to this realization on his own. He says he's been feeling uncomfortable living in someone else's home. Really?

I'm glad he's come to this decision on his own and that I don't have to be gently suggesting that he leave soon. Now that he has opened the door to this subject, I'll be in a position to suggest he be out by July, without looking like I'm tossing him.

His old apartment was $600/month; I am charging him only $200/month. So, we both agree, he should have an extra $400 for each of the two months he's been with me. But he doesn't. He's broke. He spent the money on expensive food, expensive wine, stuff for the Hippy Witch, giving some money to a friend, etc., etc. Funny how money just disappears when you aren't good with it.

I can't help him out in any other way. He needs to go.

Happy 70th Birthday to Bob

Bob Dylan is 70 today and doesn't look a day over 75.

Bob continues to work hard every day. I guess he believes the key to a long life is to never stop working. Never slow down. I do not subscribe to this theory, however. I'm barely putt-putting along at 50. So Bob puts me to shame.

I should've taken the day off to celebrate and honour him.

The long weekend rolls on

The sun rose and set today, just like it's supposed to. That is comforting, no?

In other news, FF just called at 10:00 p.m. He won't be home tonight, he's sleeping at a friend's place.
Pause.
Me: "It's not the witch, is it?"
Pause.
Me: "Just say yes or no."
FF: "Maybe. Don't judge me!!!"
Perhaps she has put a boomerang spell on him. *sigh*

In Kumar news, he hasn't changed a bit. When I told him that I do not allow Fancy Feast to bring women home, he said that that was a violation of FF's basic human rights. I said, oh yeah, let him take me to the Human Rights Commission.

I'm glad these two characters did not meet. Imagine the two of them ganging up on me. sheesh.

Hmm, the world is still here

Rapture begins at 6:00 p.m. only. This would explain why the world seems the same today as yesterday. To my untrained eye, at least.

In other news, wow, I MUST be psychic. The Big Romance is Off again. Did I not predict this within the past 24 hours? How did I have such insight? *eye roll* And this time, I am told, it is really over. Riiiight.

In other news, it appears I may get a visit tomorrow from The One, The Only...Kumar. Haven't seen him in a year, but he's in town for the long end-of-the-world weekend. So I'll see him tomorrow, assuming neither of us gets swept up in the Rapture at 6:00 tonight. And neither of us will. Guaranteed.

Today in weight gain news

You know you are ordering from Chalet too often when the delivery man forms a bond of friendship with your black cat.

The guy was practically rolling around on the porch with Blackie last night.

I give up

I can't keep up with the on-again-off-again-on-again relationship between FF and Crazy Witchie Poo.

Apparently, it's on again. He went to her place yesterday and she apologized for her erratic behaviour of the past few days, and so everything is well. Riiiight, think I. Whatever.

On the positive front, this means I have the house to myself tonight. A great start to the long end-of-the-world weekend.

Last night, FF listed a number of things about Witchie Poo that he would like to change. This can't be a great start, right? I said, you can't change people. She will resent it. Don't even go there. But being an arrogant young man his argument is that the things he wants to change about her are "for her own good". Oh good luck with that, sonny.

I suspect that by the end of the long end-of-the-world weekend, this relationship will be off again.

2 days until the end of the world

Is everyone ready for the end of the world? Only two more days to go. The world is officially ending on May 21. So, I've decided I'm not doing the dishes tonight or tomorrow night. Take that, world!

FF is very happy about the world ending on Saturday because he is scheduled to go back to work on Sunday. So he gets to see the end of the world without going back to the office. "Sweet", he said.

I'm going to forget about my weight and eat a LOT of chips until the end of the world. What's the harm? Hopefully I will still be light enough to get Raptured up into Heaven. I don't know if I will see Jesus when I get there, but I am really hoping that Albert, the angel from the cream cheese commercials, is there to welcome me into his heavenly manly embrace.

A little touch of Arnie in the Night

Ex-governor, Schwarzenegger,
Found a woman, and he did make her
Have a baby…then keep it secret
For many years, no one did leak it
Then the dolt done told his wife
And made a scandal of his life
Lovely Maria then dumped his ass
And told him that he had no class
So, to avoid ending up in a similar mess
The lesson to be learned here I guess,
Unless children you want to be sirin’
Instead of gals, just pump iron.

--JAW Fan (of course)

Spoke too soon

Looks like I'm not getting rid of FF any time in the near future. Turns out that Hippie Chick is not an eccentric weirdo in a good way, but a genuine "CRAZY WEIRDO". I'd suspected for a while that there was something not right in the head about this girl, but I kept somewhat quiet about it because I've never met her and FF insisted she was just "out there". Like he is.

Did I mention she says she's a witch?

Anyway, it seems she has some kind of schizo bi-polar condition that she is not being treated for. To quote FF "That explains A LOT". I opined that it seems rather harsh to just dump her as a friend because she's mentally ill. He gave me a look and said: "Do I need that?" And considering all the anxieties and depressions etc etc that he has dealt with in his own life, I had to agree that no, he didn't need that at all.

So what did he do after this eventful day? Put on his headphones, clicked on YouTube and watched three episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation in a row. I asked: "This is how you're dealing with it?" He said: "I'm a guy. It's what we do."

Tonight's menu: Beef stew.

*Sigh*

It's mid-May so why do I have to write the following?

I'M TIRED OF BEING COLD!

Where is Spring?

Back to Kraft Dinner?

It appears Fancy Feast's stay with me is coming to an end. Hippie Chick can't afford to pay her rent, so I strongly suspect FF will grasp this opportunity to be a hero by moving in, sharing expenses thus saving her from being evicted. Not that he has said this, but I'm betting that is where he is headed before her June rent becomes due.

This is too bad because the marinaded steak he made last night was really tasty. I suppose I can learn to cook these kinds of things for myself...I suppose. But it's just so much easier if someone else does it.

Another Sunday

No garlic lemon chicken last night. FF had to head out. He is currently in pursuit of a hippie chick from St. Henri. She is a genuine hippie as in she does not own a phone, or have a computer, so if he wants to see her he has to go over to her place and see if she’s home. So he took off mid-afternoon, and I decided to make chicken curry all on my own.

He came home at 6:00, hippie chick was AWOL. According to her low-life friends, she left her place, is staying with a friend somewhere, but isn’t talking to anyone. I asked him why he is wasting time on this strange person, and he said “I’m a weirdo, and she’s a weirdo, but in a good way.” Whatever.

Back to the food: so he ate MY curried chicken and gave it a thumbs up. He liked my cooking? It’s like Freaky Friday. Then we drank some beer, then he asked if he could smoke a joint. I don’t want him smoking in the house and he had completely given it up when he moved in last month. But he said because he had been on vacation in the country where there is nothing to do but fish, hike and get high, he and his pal had bought a bag of pot and he had a little bit left and he wasn’t going to waste it by throwing it out. So I said, go ahead. Then he said, why don’t you smoke it with me? And I said, yeah, okay, because I’m 50 now and I don’t care about anything anymore. So I had a few puffs but I still don’t understand how to inhale.

Then he entirely re-arranged the living room furniture to his liking. I let him. Why not? I think I like the change. Then I washed the dishes and he fell asleep on the newly positioned living room couch. It’s like we’ve been married for 10 years.

The Return of FF

Fancy Feast is back from the Capital. A week early.

You know what this means?

Garlic lemon chicken for supper. Yay!

(I remain at my Highest Weight Ever...)

Dive Bars and Bagels

Talking to the Tall Teacher the other night about (in)famous dive bars of Montreal. He's too young to remember O'Leary's when it was O'Leary's Irish Heaven but when I referred to it as Spurs, he said Oh Yeah! The least Irish Irish heaven bar on earth.

Then I mentioned the worst of the worst: Bar Diana. There was a pause. I clarified: on St. Catherine near Fort. Long Pause. "The Eskimo Bar?" he asked.
I said I believed the politically correct term was "the bar full of drunken Natives". His response: OMG!

He then told me about his most recent visit to Maz (or as he put it, "you call it Ma Heller's, it's a generational thing"). He was at a table with friends when the woman sitting alone at the next table slid off her chair and onto the floor. He said he looked around and said to the staff "can someone help her?" I asked "you didn't try to help her yourself?" HELL NO, he said.

So he left Maz and crossed over to D.A.D.s Bagels (where MsMushroom purchased 6 and 1/2 dozen bagels a few months ago, thus depleting their stock) and the toothless woman who faceplanted at Maz followed him in and tried to pick him up.

And this is why NDG is a high-class neighbourhood.

Modern Love

BGTSmoothie in his endless quest to find a new girlfriend has been chatting (and rather explicitly I might add, being an old lady and thus by definition prudish by young folks’ standards, or so I am told) with a new girl. He has not met her yet, but he knows she weighs over 300 lbs. He weighs about 250 lbs. Here is our conversation:

S: It’s not the weight that bothers me, it’s her attitude.
Me: You’re just saying that to pretend that it’s not the weight when you know the problem really is the weight.
S: NO! It’s her attitude. I suggested we should go to the gym together and encourage each other to lose weight, but she isn’t interested.
Me: Seems like a good idea to me.
S: See? That’s what I mean about her attitude being the problem and not the weight. She says she can’t lose weight and so she doesn’t even want to try.
Me: But I have the same problem, and you don’t reject me.
S: What?
Me: I hate being fat, I complain about it constantly and yet I do nothing about it. And you don’t reject me because of it.
S: But you don’t weigh 320.
Me: A-HA! So I AM right, it is the weight and not the attitude. Just admit it’s the weight.
S: You don’t weigh 320. The weight wouldn’t be a problem if she had a better attitude.
Me: But it is the weight.
(Pause)
Me: (joke) You’ll have to be on top.
S: Yes, we’ve already discussed that.
Me: Oh come on. You haven’t even met her yet.
S: I actually suggested something. I don’t know if this is offensive or not, but I suggested it.
Me: What?
S: I said we shouldn’t have sex until we’ve each lost 20 lbs.
(Pause)
Me: (surprising myself) I think that’s a great idea. It certainly would be motivating. I’m all for that idea.
S: Really?
Me: Yeah. I would take a deal like that with someone new.
S: Wow. Thanks for agreeing!
(Conversation ends on a happy note.)

Another quote

from an Englishman this time:

"The notion that money can't buy you happiness is a myth put about by rich people who are afraid that the poor will murder them in their beds." -- Michael Caine

Why am I on some kind of class warfare theme today? I don't know...but perhaps it has to do with the fact that I now live in the Province of Jack. Workers of the world unite. Or, in my case, people who show up at the office but don't actually do much work, unite!

And speaking of Michael Caine, I love this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFIQIpC5_wY

Let's talk about America

Two quotes: one about America by a famous American, and one about an American by an anonymous poster on Wonkette.

1. "Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires." -- John Steinbeck.

2. "Donald Trump is as American as egregious litigation and fucking over your friends for a profit. Also, apple pie." --Wonkette commenter.