The Black Cat is out of the Bag

I met the black cat's owner tonight. I was outside when this woman (walking a huge dog) stopped and said "my cat has adopted your house".

I was surprised to find that this lady seems very nice and smart. But she has 6 cats and this huge mutha of a dog. Apparently, Blackie (who is a boy) does not get along with the dog, which would explain why he is never home, and is always on my ledge.

Oh well, at least his owner now knows of my affair with The Blackster. I even admitted that I have fed him, though, I gave the impression I have done it only sporadically, when in fact it is nearly daily.

So I'm a liar.

Aussie B-Day wishes

It's only the 18th here, but it may be almost the 19th down under, so I will wish Susieq a Very Happy Birthday today, because by this time tomorrow here it may be too late there. Clear?

My vote is cast

My favourite male in the entire world is....El Nino.

I wish he would spend every winter in Canada. He has made me so happy. And boot-less.

There's a Graves/grave joke to be made somewhere

Did not get around to blogging about the death of Peter Graves yesterday. I suppose I should open the floor to Ms Mushrooms who is the big Mission: Impossible fan. (The REAL show, not the movie, of course.)

Maybe she will be too distraught to comment? Maybe she self-destructed in 5 seconds?

Yin & Yang: Feline Edition

Mr. D and the Big Red One are doing their zen thing.

All mod tech woes

It appears our email server at work went kablooey, and we will be several days without email.

Harumph.

If you have emailed me and wondered why I have not responded, that is the reason. It is not because I am an insufferable snob and you have been crossed off my list of cool people-to-know.

And now...a Rant from JAW Fan

Sorry, but I just have to get this off my chest...

How dare the Academy snub Farrah in the celebrity death tribute!!! According to them Academy Idiots, she was a television star and not a movie actress. Have they never seen "Somebody Killed Her Husband" and "Sunburn"???...OK, bad examples...but she was hailed for her performance in "Extremities"...hailed, I tell ya!...and how many people can say they played opposite Kirk Douglas (in "Saturn 3")???...yes, the Kirk Douglas (whose rear end and glimpse of testicles we get to see in "There Was a Crooked Man"...should anyone, other than myself, care) And to make matters worse, stupid dead Michael Jackson gets shown. Other than "The Wiz"has he made movies? More than Farrah?...I think not! So F**k you, Academy. See if I ever watch another one of your broadcasts (well, unless that hilarious and cute Alec Baldwin is hosting again...in which case hottie trumps all.)

Note to the Academy: So help me if Jaclyn Smith dies this year and we see her K-Mart-pushing ass up there next year!!!

Apocalypse Now

The end of the world is upon us. Big News!

Pringles has recalled two flavors of chips because of salmonella fears.

Fortunately, this is in the USA. The two flavors in question don't seem to be available in Canada. These flavors being: Taco Night (how can "night" be a flavor) and Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger Pringles? My body gets all tingly just thinking about that.

Of course, it would get more than tingly if I caught salmonella poisoning from it.

Cheeseburger Pringles.....

This might turn out to be a good thing (assuming I don't die of it) because clearly all sensible reasons for giving up chips (i.e. that is to say, weight gain, cholesterol, sensibleness) have failed. Perhaps the desire to avoid being poisoned can motivate me a wee bit. Let's see.

Pringles that taste like cheeseburgers? mmmmmm I'll be going to the USA next month. I wonder if the salmonella scare will still be on.

A bit about Oscar

Not too much to say about the Oscars. The Dude won. Yay for The Dude.

In our work Oscar pool, my friend K. who ALWAYS wins, was the only person to pick Hurt Locker and Bigelow. I hate her guts more every year. I'm giving up on the Oscar pool! Of course I did eat yummy pizza and drink white wine at her place, so I can't hate her too much.

The most appropriate Oscar moment was to have the wretched, decrepit James Taylor sing for the calvacade of dead people. The Voice of Death presents Death! Bravo.

P.S. Alec Baldwin looked good, but not as good as George. Oh, George. He makes turning 49 in 2010 a little easier to take.

Happy Birthday, the Next Generation

Happy b-day to Little Anonymi No. 1 son.

How old is he now anyway?

Romance Advice Anyone?

OK, let's say you were a guy (perhaps a Former Altar Boy) who met a woman once, and then didn't meet up with her again, but stayed in touch through emails and chats, pretty regularly.

And you went away for the weekend to the Holy City of Cental Canada to visit your sister. And on your way home you sent a message to the afore-mentioned woman (not your sister) that simply said "I am almost back!"

Why would you send this? Come on, you mysterious male brains. Why would you send this to a woman you kinda know?

Whazzup?

I haven't posted anything since Monday. That's the kind of week it's been. Quiet. But Spring like, so I guess that makes me a happy camper.

The biggest news this week didn't happen to me but to JAW Fan who was on a rush-hour Metro train in front of which a jumper committed suicide. The transit commission never releases the numbers of suicides that occur in the Metro but I suspect it is a lot. Just like the bridge jumpers. We have a lot of bridges here and I'm sure a lot of people jump off them.

Why am I talking suicide on such a nice Friday morning? Because nothing else happened this week. Except, Spring Training started. With all the Olympic talk of the past 2 weeks, I forgot that baseball is just around the corner. Nice.

Oh, and for the past two mornings, when I have stepped out the front door, there has a been cardinal in my big tree, singing his little red head off. That's nice, too.

My Sexy Dream

This weekend I had an erotic dream about....Barack Obama.

Considering what a sexy nerd he is, I'm just surprised this hasn't happened every week for the last 18 months.

I was a lawyer and I had a "briefing" scheduled with Barry in the Oval Office. Everyone thought this was a real "briefing" but Barry and I knew it was for hanky-panky. Problem was, the Oval Office was full of staffers, aides and secretaries, doing their jobs. No Joe Biden, though. Too bad. No Joe.

Anyway, the most we could manage was to sit face to face and discuss things while looking serious, and every now and then Barry would lean forward and whisper something naughty into my ear and then lean back again, very presidential and business-like.

Trust me, this was way sexier than any sex dream with actual sex in it. Oh Mr. President, so close and yet so unattainable.

Dream interpretation anyone?

Oh Yeah, Baby, The Earth Moved

I was brushing my teeth last night before bed, when that unmistakable rumbling occurred.

It was a 3.9. Not enough for the house to shake, but it went on far too long for it to be just a heavy truck on the next street.

We're having a earthquake, I said to the cats, who surprisingly and very un-cat-like were not freaking out. My cats have no earthquake detectors. This is good to know. See if I save them in their moment of need! Ha! meow indeed.

Odd Olympics

Went out last night for my birthday. Had cocktails, had fun.

When I got home, I turned on the t.v. Canada had won 4 medals. This afternoon, I just watched for about 15 minutes and Canada won 2 more gold medals. Just like that.

This must be what it feels like to be American.

Romantic Phone Box

I talked on the phone last night with a new guy. Within 30 seconds, he said "I can't get over your voice." Apparently, my voice on the phone is "assertive" and "confident".

Okay. Vote time: anyone who has ever spoken to me on the phone, tell me do I have an assertive and/or confident voice?

I've always, always hated the sound of my voice.

Then he asked me if I had a lot of people working for me because I sound like a boss. Really? Given my conversation of 2 days ago with my boss, I took this as a great omen. If I believed in omens, that is.

So my assertive and confident voice threw him off his "game plan" for the conversation. Meaning what? He said he had planned to "charm" me but realized immediately this was not going to work.

This was not a bad thing, as we did make plans to meet next week. But I wonder if I am uncharmable, does this also mean that (to use a great word from the song that this blog takes its name from) I am also unboyfriendable?

Start calling me The Boss.

The Man in Black

Today is Johnny Cash's birthday. He would have been 78.

I guess this makes me the Second Coolest person born on this date. And, yes, that does mean I am putting myself ahead of Tony Randall. I dare you to argue with me.

(Anyone who chooses to argue with me better take a good look at the facial expression on the Aztec goddess below. You don't want that face looking back at you.)

In honour of my Birthday

I am posting this photo of an intricate sand drawing an Aztec fertility goddess that was seen on the beach while JAW Fan was in Mexico. Reminds me of somebody...

Phrase of the Day

I had the Finland - Czech Republic hockey game on for a bit last night, but wasn't really paying attention. At one point, the puck went between a goaltender's thighs and kind of bounced to and fro a couple of times.

The announcer said "the puck rattled around his five hole".

Today's assignment: how to work this great expression into everyday conversation. I do realize that any good Canadian who watches hockey (i.e. 98% of good Canadians) knows what this means, but there's got to be a new meaning to attach to this colourful turn of phrase.

Machiavelli would be proud

Loyal readers of this blog will recall that I have two New Year's Resolutions involving a Machiavellian plan to secure my boss's job.

This afternoon, my boss pops into my office, something she rarely does, sits herself down and says: "When I go, are you going to apply for my job?" Not being a liar, I said: "Yes. I'm certainly considering it."

She answered: "Oh thank god because you're the only one who's qualified to do it." She looked immensely relieved. What followed was a surreal conversation. I felt myself floating above, looking down, and wondering what the hell is this about? Is she planning on leaving soon? Could be. Does she think her current deputy is incompetent and unfit to take over. She certainly does.

Canada vs Russia

Any predictions on how badly the Canadian men's hockey team is going to S.t.B. today?

There are 3 options:
a) totally
b) completely
c) totally, completely.

Vote early, vote often.
Vive Lecavalier.
UPDATE: Sucking the bag is also a Russian past-time. Who knew?

Celebrity Birthday

ABE VIGODA!

89, and still rockin' it.*


*I have no idea what that expression means "rockin' it" . In this case, let's assume it means his favourite chair. But otherwise, I dunno.

Happy Birthday Abe, my fellow fish.

Movie News

Yesterday I saw the movie Precious. About the only thing on Earth more bleak, hopeless and depressing than Canada's men's hockey team.

This is what killed me. I read in a couple of places that, although grim, the movie had an uplifting ending. That totally escaped me. This movie ends with the 17-year-old mother of two, freeing herself from her abusive mother once and for all. Fine and good. Except she is a 17-year-old mother of two, one of whom has Down Syndrome. And the young mother reads at a Grade 8 level, has no prospects for anything for herself or her kids, AND is HIV positive. In the 1980s. Anyone who got HIV in the 1980s died. So I was not uplifted by seeing those little soon-to-be-orphan kids walking down the street with their soon-to-be-dead mother.

As I said to my friend as we left, yes, it was a movie, but that was not entertainment.

The End.

Canada's Men's Hockey Team

S.T.B.

The End of Al

My old neighbour, Al Haig, has died. I guess he's really not in control now.

And he really was my neighbour. He lived in the incredibly fancy condo building right next door to my very-nice-but-ordinary-by-DC-standards apartment building. All I had in my building was a couple of lousy Congressmen.

I will never forget some Congressman's wife in the lobby yelling at some poor shlub on the front desk. "Do you know who my husband is? Do you know who my husband is?" The guy's face was so passive, he did not give a shit who her husband was. heh heh.

Have fun in hell, Al. Say hi to Ronnie.

Weird Friday

I'm up to date in my work. I asked my boss for another task and she didn't have anything to give me. And, better yet, she has an appointment this aft and will be away, so I have nothing to do.

If I am using this expression correctly, I believe I am now in a position to arse the dog.

Happy Birthday, Mrs. Anon

A mere chickie of 42. Enjoy it while you can. I think I say the same thing every year.

You'll never catch up to us, lucky you.

Make sure your husband spoils you today, by... I dunno, doing something he normally doesn't do. Now is that too much to ask? eh? Is it?

Olympic Shoot-out S***

Canada's men's hockey team sucks the bag.

I mean, really, it had to go to the shoot-out...against the Swiss?

This is what they get for not putting Lecavalier or St-Louis on the team.

Vive le Quebec libre. I'm separating.

Happy Birthday, Ms. Mushrooms!

Another one bites the dust, i.e. "bites the dust" meaning enters her 50th year.

Oh joy. Isn't this fun for all of us?

Enjoy this final year of your glorious 40s. They were glorious, weren't they? Sure they were.

Back to work

I'm facing one of those dilemmas today. I'm between tasks and should be asking my boss to assign me a project, but I don't feeeeel like it. So I'm puttering around, not doing much. I could've wasted another vacation day at home, feeling depressed and over-eating. I guess it is probably better to be here.

I've been hired to edit someone's Ph.D dissertation. The woman is Chinese and lives in Europe. This ought to be interesting. I'm sure I'll be bitching about it until December. Oh well. I must build up some freelance experience in case I get tossed out on my ear.

I'm already thinking about the vacation I will take in 2011 with this Xtra $$. hmmm.

Not-at-all Sick Day

I'm home today, but I am not sick. I'm just escaping. The negativity of my colleagues is killing me.

So I am home......decluttering! Yes. Another attempt at decluttering. Onward! (I mean, onward after I have coffee and breakfast which I haven't had yet.)

Onward! soon-ish.

Olympian question

Why do male figure skaters now wear black gloves?

When did this start? and what gives with that?

I can't count the rotations on a quad. It always looks like a triple to me. It's too fast.

The Mexican

JAW Fan is back from Mexico. Take it away...

And so, once again, I have returned from Puerto Vallarta, land of bulging Speedos and wang-o-meter-worthy snacks. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Mexicans sure know how to make a potato chip. When the bag says "queso" (cheese), it's the quesoiest. When it's "chipotle", it's hoppin' with chipotlin' flavour...Bless you, my masked wrestler-lovin' amigos. Bless you!

This year I dove into a different pool and experimented a little more with the Doritos brand...Diabolo, Incognita (mystery flavour, as the bag had a question mark on it), and Pizza flavours were all sampled. And "me gusto" all of them. In order they tasted as follows: Spicy Cheese, Smokey Chipotle Barbecue, and Pizza Light (much better than that crappy fake Pizza flavour we are used to here.) The first two were covered in a beautifully incandescent spice mix (everything we expect from a Dorito) that had your nails changing colour. You never quite knew where the chip ended and your fingers began...mmmm!!! and double mmmm!!!...because once the bag was finished, you could still suck on your fingers for more flavour.

After last year's Ruffles Extra Picante debacle, I was naturally obligated to sample them again. Well, what a "sorpresa" (surpise, to us Gringos.) Either Mexican Chip laws have forced the Ruffles gang to lower the hot factor in their snacks...or my taste buds have grown accustomed to their taste...but what took four days to consume last year was now finished in less than four minutes. (Although on an aside note, the Spicy Octopus Tacos I ate at a seafood restaurant were another story...ay-yi-yi-yi-yi, mi pobre boca...no puedo creer que una cosa puede ser si picante!!!!!)

But this year's definite chip winner was Tostidos Salsa Verde...worthy of a three-sack purchase. Each bite was like French-kissing someone who had just recently consumed a delicious meal. Salty, Savoury, and Sexy. Am fortunate that I was not wearing a Speedo at the time...for these chart toppers would have resulted in mucho embarrassment, if you know what I mean.

On a whole, the Mexican Chip Experience rates a tremendously tumescent 10 inches of love on the ever-so-popular wang-o-meter. I anxiously look forward to putting these giant hot-crotch treats into my mouth again next year.
Adios.

One little comment

Did they really have to remake We Are The World for Haitian relief?

I'm going to revive an old high school saying here, but that song sucked the bag back in 1985. There is no need to torture us with it again.

(This is the cue for Mr. Anonymous to recount his bored stripper story*.)

(*I'll bet my failing memory has failed me again, and it isn't this song....let us wait and see.)

Canadian Gold

Well, thank goodness we got that over quickly. I couldn't stand listening to that "when will Canada win its first gold on home soil" crap for much longer.

Can we all just get on with our lives now? thank you.

I didn't see the final live because I was entertaining my surprise Valentine's visitor.

Don't kill me.

It was Kumar.

He's like my own personal Borg. Resistance is futile.

Encouraging headline of the day

"Fewer Canadians living life toothless" Thank you, Statistics Canada.

This reminds me of my maternal grandfather. He had one tooth. As kids, we would make him show us his one tooth.

Then one day, it fell out.

He would still eat corn on the cob, but he had to dig the kernels out of the cob with his fork and then eat the corn on his fork. As a kid, this was a mind blower for me.

Opening Ceremonies Recap

Being a true Canadian, I must focus on the big fail of the evening. The defective hydraulic lift. Somewhere in Vancouver, an engineer lost his job last night. I guess he is lucky. If this screw-up had happened in Beijing, that engineer would be dead.

But Nancy Greene just kept smiling and waving. Am I alone, or does everyone crave a Mars bar when they see Nancy Greene? Steve Nash looked like he was having an anxiety attack.

Who knew Barbara Ann Scott was still alive? Raise your hands, everybody who thought she’d died years ago. (Hand raised here) I should be so perky at 81. Or 51, for that matter.

That wheat field number is the most attention W.O. Mitchell has got in 60 years.

When is somebody going to realize that while Halleljuah is a great, great song, its lyrics aren’t really appropriate for anything but a concert setting? At least k.d. avoided Leonard’s line about “moving inside you”. And, I say this as somebody who has weight to lose herself, but k.d. is looking pretty hefty these days.

Some very, very old-looking native people danced non-stop for over an hour. I was impressed.

The German flag bearer. Two words: Master Race.

But to get back to failed hydraulic lift. It is good when these things happen, when there is a noticeable glitch in a major event. It reminded me of when Obama took the Oath of Office and the ding-dong Chief Just of the Supreme Court flubbed it. When I make an idiot of myself, or more often simply worry about making an idiot of myself, these mistakes that have been broadcast worldwide will come to mind. And I will really be able to think, what’s the worst that could happen? Obama had to retake the Oath, and Catriona LeMay Doan had to stand there with her torch, like a doofus with nothing to light. But the world didn’t end. Life goes on.

Olympic Swoon, First in a very long Series

Oh look! It's Apollo Ohno on NBC.

He's still got it, baby.

Olympic Coverage Gripe, First in a very long Series

I never thought I would say this, but I'm already sick of Donald Sutherland's narration of absolutely everything.

Gravitas!

Enough of the heavy duty drama, already.

Icky nausea-inducing headline of the month

"Celine Dion missing Olympics to conceive a baby"

Who needs to know this?
WHO? Show yourselves, you people who need to know this.
Show yourselves!

Mmeh

Apparently I am lacking in Olympic fever.

Last night, talking to my sister and she said (excitedly) "Tomorrow night is the opening ceremonies" and I thought "mmeh".

Just now, my colleague was telling me how she decided to reschedule an appointment because it was going to run late and she wouldn't be home in time to watch the opening ceremonies. And I thought "mmeh".

I'm sure I'll come around to it.

Oh No

The Olympics start tomorrow, and you know what that means...

Over two weeks of having to endure hearing the word "medal" used as a verb. "Canada will medal in men's hockey".

I will get crankier and crankier as the games go on...

2nd complaint: what's with the spammers in our little comments section. It used to be a safe haven. Annoying.

Alert!

I have been following closely the horrific story of the wing commander who is charged with two murders and a couple of home invasion assaults, the guy that all the co-workers and neighbours say is a terrific person who they would never in a million years suspect of such terrible crimes.

Let me say this right now. You never know what your neighbours are truly up to. But I am totally ready to accuse my neighbour of any crime whatsoever.

Therefore, I wish to clearly state that if anything happens to me, the first suspect must be my Crazy Polish Neighbour. Don't let him get away with it, especially if I have been brained with a shovel. HE DID IT.

It's that time again

What time, you ask? Municipal tax time. Mine have gone up $160 this year. THIEVES!

For the first time in history, I have paid my taxes before JAW Fan pays his. This is only because he is out of the country, but I can guarantee that next Monday he will be at bank, relieving himself (!) of this bill. O, how he hates an unpaid bill.

No ticky, no trippy

Today I went to Central Station and picked up my train ticket to the Holy City for Easter.

When I arrived home, I put the ticket in "the spot", the spot being the place where tickets go. The place where I know the ticket has been put and will remain until the day of my departure.

The ticket is there. I will check it every day to ensure it remains there. You can bet on it.

Oh god, how dumb

Early in the First Quarter, the commentator on the Super Bowl game actually commented on a pass and said the receiver "caught it with his hands".

I don't even have a snarky remark for this.

Consolation Prize

On Friday evening, in the midst of the madness of MFTD, I spoke to the purring Persian who had to listen to my tale of woe.

Yesterday, he asked me if I had found the ticket. More tale of woe ensued. So he said, "so, we can meet up."

So I met up with the purring Persian. He told me when I told him the name Magnetic Fields, he watched a few videos on YouTube. He said they were awful, "like nursery rhymes". But other than that, we got along fine.

After a couple of hours of conversation, he said "I'm so happy you lost that ticket."

At least somebody is.

I look forward to hearing about the show.

MFTD

This morning I have put the Magnetic Fields Ticket Disaster into perspective. Yes, it's bad, but it could be so much worse. The reasons:

1. Ticket costs $37, compared to the L. Cohen ticket of two years ago that was about $175, this is not a big loss.

2. MF are a relatively young band who may tour again, thus I will have (I hope) another opportunity to see them, compared to L. Cohen who is old and may drop dead any day now.

3. I had only my own ticket to lose, compared to last weekend when our gang went to the Centaur and I had purchased and was in possession of EIGHT (8) tickets. What if I had lost those? Someone's birthday would've been ruined.

4. Today is Mr. Anonymous's birthday, but the MFTD has not ruined it!

5. There are 2 other people (J&J) going together, so it is not like I have left one person stuck going by him/herself.

6. This has provided me with another "boy, am I stupid" blog post to share with the world.

I lost my ticket

Looks like I won't be going to Magnetic Fields after all. I lost my ticket.

I've spent the last two hours tearing the house apart, looking through my recycling bin, on my shelves, tables, under furniture. The ticket is not to be found.

And the show appears to be sold out.

I can't believe this has happened.

Insert joke here

I took Miss Hitler over to the groomer for a bum shave this morning. She is squeaky clean and ready for her porn close-up now.

Funny how cats alter their personalities when they go in public. It was such a delight to hear her described as "so good", "so affectionate", "a sweetheart" and "a real sweetie".

Within 5 minutes back in the house, she had reverted to The Tyrant of Belmore.

She is what she is.

More M Fields

Looking forward to see Magnetic Fields on Saturday.

At the risk of stating the obvious, I have to say that one thing I consistently love about Stephin Merritt is his unshakeable belief that every minor romantic malaise or major heartbreak can be soothed by booze.

But would I have more fun?

This past weekend, Nickname Pending (who needs a better nickname, so let’s call him The Tall One, since he is) asked me if I would dye my hair blonde for him.

Nobody has ever asked me this before. I said “No”.*

Blonde, eh? Given my eyebrow(s) and how dark it is (they are), this is like asking Bert from Sesame Street to go blonde.

I believe the word I am looking for is “incongruous”.


*This may not be one hundred percent accurate. I may have shrieked “Are you crazy?”

Happy Birth Day, Jim Joyce

It's February 2, and everyone knows that every February 2, James "The G-Hog" Joyce comes out of his hole and if he sees his shadow we will have six more weeks of streamofconsciousnessnavelgazingcatholicguilt.
yes! yes!

Let er Rip

"Rip Torn will appear before a Connecticut judge again, this time to face allegations the 78-year-old actor broke into a bank with a loaded gun while intoxicated."

Good god, man. You're 78 years old. What the hell is the matter with you?

You know who I want to see at 78 years old, breaking into a bank with a loaded gun while intoxicated?

Mr. Anonymous.

Dunno why. I just wanna live to see that.

Fearless Prediction No. 2,342

Yesterday I made this point for the first time, so mark the calendar.

Roger Federer is goin' down. He is too perfect, his life, his wife, his kids, it's all too perfect.

He's the next Tiger.

New Magnetic Fields

I am obsessed. I cannot get Data Polka out of my head.

Gyrate like a gyroscope
Collide like a kaleidoscope
Freeze!

Those lines are driving me insane.

Do!

Winter wonderland shite

It's minus 21, with the *&#$^* wind it is minus 31.

Eff! I have to be out all day for a friend's birthday brunch etc., boozing, etc..

Let's all ponder the image of JAW Fan in Mexico on the beach in a speedo. OK. Let's not. On so many levels, let's not.

Adios, J.D.

J.D. Salinger died yesterday.

Seeing as how he was a recluse, I expected the story to be that he actually died 6 months ago, but they only got into the house and found his remains yesterday. But, no, apparently he did actually die yesterday.

Great books. I love them all.

Adios, amigos

JAW Fan and Man are off to Mexico tomorrow. Have el funo.

Relax, eat el chipos, and rest up because when you get back it will be a mere 7 weeks before NaPoMo. You will need your strength.

SOTU

Tonight's is Obama's first State of the Union address.

The giant political nerd within me is atwitter.

I'll have my popcorn popped and ready to go.

Sad, isn't it?

UPDATE: That was the funniest SOTU speech I've ever watched. There were a lot of "Oh Snap" shots at the Republicans. It was great.

On a sartorial note, Joe Biden's purple tie was to die for. As was Michelle Obama's purple dress. I am thrilled that everyone has started wearing purple, wearing purple.

Blue vs Grey

Civil War is breaking out in our dept. Given my ambitions under Items 4 and 6* of my New Year's Resolutions, I don't know which side to take.

Am I Robert E. Lee or Uly S. Grant? Lead the rebellion or save the union?

Our Lincoln is on her way to Ford's Theatre.

(*To refresh the reader's memory, these would be "get rid of boss", and "be more Machiavellian", respectively.)

Monday Nite was Non-Date Nite

I did not meet the purring Persian last night. We were in the same tiny pub and did not find each other. I'm about ready to throw in the towel on this whole romantic male box crap.

I had told him to please be on time because I am very uncomfortable by myself in a bar or pub. I told him I'd arrive around 7:10. I got there at 7:15. I looked around. No Persian.So I sat at a table and watched the door. No Persian. So I left.

Meanwhile, a few metres away....

The Persian was sitting at the bar, watching the hockey game, and found himself surrounded by 3 "over-friendly" guys. I did indeed notice these 4 guys sitting at the bar and talking loud, but since I was looking for one guy alone, I didn't pay attention to them. I certainly didn't walk up and eye them to see if any of them was the Persian.

So he didn't see me sitting near the door of the pub, and I didn't see him at the bar. Today he says "I thought you'd be sitting at the bar". Yep, sure, me and seven men, just watching the game.

Moral of the story: Do not "date" in the 21st Century unless you are both carrying cell phones with each other's numbers programmed into them. Lesson learned.

Public service announcement

I have just had a bowl of Campbell's Healthy Request Cream of Mushroom soup.

It was the worst, blandest, most lame soup I have ever tasted. Bar none.

I had far tastier soups on the several occasions I joined my mother for lunch in the nursing home. I kid you not.

Avoid this soup at all costs. Save the $2.59.

I'm still trying to get the taste of bleh out of my mouth.

But, being a hoarder, I have saved the second half of the can, hoping to use it to make some kind of sauce or something. It will need a lot of spices, peppers, life.

Snow Day? Rain Day? Hilary Day

Lounging at home watching the Haiti conference on t.v., looking for my co-workers in the background but I haven't seen anyone I know. For now, only CBC's French news network is covering it in detail, but I imagine English CBC will be on board this afternoon when Hilary shows up.

It's plus 7 and raining. In January! The world really is ending.

Anti-proroguing on Parliament Hill

This photo provided by our Ottawa Bureau. (Betcha didn't even know we had an Ottawa Bureau).

Eat your heart out, Keith Boag.

thanks to JD.

Anti-Harperites united

The anti-prorogation protestors in Edmonton shouted: Yes to perogies, no to prorogation!

Those wacky Western ethnics!

I didn't go to the rally, I confess. Nor did I shop for bargains at The Bay.

Happy Birthday Mr. Mushrooms

Here we go, the cluster of birthdays starts today.

Husband of Ms Mushrooms turns 49 today. The first of "the Cock'n'Bull gang" to enter his 50th year. Not that he gives a damn, being the un-neurotic, laid-back guy he is.

Enjoy!

Haiti Telethon

Right now, Reese Witherspoon is talking to some lucky shmo who called in to donate.

I so want that shmo to be Chris.

I protest, you protest, he protests, she shops for bargains

My colleague is asking me to attend the anti-Harper, anti-prorogation rally tomorrow.

I'm tempted, but it's going to be minus 7!

I know Harper thinks he's Stalin, and this cannot continue, but minus 7 is cold.

Here was my sister's take on the matter. The rally is being held downtown, and The Bay is downtown and The Bay is having a sale where all previously marked-down items are another 30% off. Therefore, according to her logic, I should protest Stalin first and shop for bargains later.

Remember that great sale back at the begining of the year where I got three pairs of pants for the office for $50. Well, what if I can get even more pants for about $35? In sister's mind, this is a great opportunity to protest the government and SAVE!

Brother-in-law has already written a letter to his MP, so they are in full anti-Harper mode right now. And it's 30% off.

Wednesday nite is good date nite

Is there some unknown feature on my computer that automatically links me up with guys from large, strict Catholic families? Where is that feature?

There's a weird, smooth easiness involved in that shared Catholic upbringing. I felt it immediately with Nickname Pending, and now again it happened with NAG.

I think I have to change NAG's nickname. He is Former Altar Boy or FAB. (Get it? He's FAB.)

Shut up and go change the cat litter, Nanuk.

Wednesday Nite is Date Nite

Here I go again. Coffee with someone new.

I don't have a name for him but since he is the New Age-appropriate (40s) Guy, I will go with NAG for now.

I'm a bit worried I'll hear a lot about work because NAG's company is undergoing some kind of restructuring and it appears to be a hassle for him. I hope he doesn't talk about it for an hour.

It looks like this Sunday will be a first meeting with the Purring Persian, while Date No. 2 with Nickname Pending has been pushed back to the following Sunday. That is okay, he's worth waiting patiently for.

I trust your score card is now up to date.

The only good thing to come out of the Haitian tragedy

Our offices are closed on Monday. We all get the day off!

The Canadian govt has organized a high-level, super-duper meeting on Haitian reconstruction. And it is going to be held in our building. So us minions have been told to stay off the premises, for security reasons.

In a way, I'm a bit disappointed. Hilary Clinton will be attending, and it would've been exciting to see her in person, maybe take a picture. As my colleague said "You can always stand across the street trying to get a glimpse and get picked off by a police sniper." There IS that option.

I now have dreams that I am going to accomplish SO MUCH in that one unexpected, bonus day off. I will follow ALL my New Year's Resolutions!

My Girl

I think I say this every time I see her on an awards show (which is a lot), but I wish Meryl Streep was my friend. She seems so fun.

I want to hang with my girl Meryl.

Gorgeous George

Ooh, I just saw Mr. Clooney on the red carpet. He looked good. Great, even.

In Up in the Air, he looks old and haggard, but maybe he's supposed to be. Maybe it's part of his character. But a turkey neck is a turkey neck. And George had a turkey neck.

48 is tough. For all of us!

Up in the Air is an enjoyable movie. Not the greatest movie ever made, but a good solid movie. For those of us in the aviation biz, it is especially fun.

Speaking of turkey necks, there's Harrison Ford on the red carpet. Meow.
Yikes Paul McCartney talks and looks like he's a hundred years old. scary.

Look No Further!

(Alternative title: You the reader thinks: I had no idea she was this dumb.)

Do you want to read about the biggest nitwit in the world??? You've come to the right place!!!

About 5 years ago, I got a cellphone. It was only for emergencies, driving on the highway, etc. 99% of the time, it sits on the shelf. I never have it with me. I basically never bothered to figure out how it works. I buy cards when I need to put some minutes on it, which ain't often.

At Xmas, I told my family I was thinking of upgrading at long last, for two reasons: 1) I can't text from this phone and it is time to join the texting world, and 2) my 5-year old phone is embarrassingly old and primitive looking.

Yesterday, I'm examining the phone to try to understand how it works...after 5 years. I find the missed call log, and I am deleting calls from last summer. I see one of the calls is from Bell, and it is a missed text message.

I press the button and, shazam, there's a text message on the screen. I've had texting all along and didn't know. How dumb is that? So I asked a friend to text me when she got home (after we saw Mr. Clooney). And, voila, there was her text.

I tried to respond but ended up calling her by accident. So I haven't figure out how to send a text yet, but I may attempt that today. But what's the hurry, I'm already 5 years late.

Update: I sent 3 text messages today. I'm a 21st century gal.

Saturday afternoon at the movies

Since real-life males are proving to be disappointing, I have decided to spend tomorrow afternoon with Mr. Clooney. So there.

I've already been warned against excessive drooling.

His days are numbered

It's almost a week since our "date" and I have not heard back from the Big Bosnian. Let the countdown commence.

3 (today)
2 (tomorrow)
1 (Saturday)
TOAST (Sunday).

That's the cut-off. Fortunately, I have a purring Persian waiting in the wings (and for a change I don't mean a cat!)

WWAD?

At least the Canadians can get out

I have long argued that Pakistan is the worst place on earth, the asshole of the world. I was wrong. I stand corrected.

It's Haiti.

The governments have traditionally been evil and Mother Nature hates them. What did they do to deserve this?

The world is not a level playing field.

Up, up and away

The city budget is out, and quelle surprise, my municipal taxes are going up about 4%.

Well, how can I complain? All the services provided by the city are SO MUCH BETTER. Right?

I said, am I right?

(Cue the lonely crickets in the still of the night)

Crunch, munch

On the bus tonight, I sat across from a teenager who was enjoying, and I mean enjoying, a bag of Doritos.

For 15 minutes, the intoxicating nacho cheese flavour filled my nostrils.

It was like Satan himself decided I should fail at Resolution No. 7.

EVIL, I tells ya.

Resolution No. 9

I've brought my lunch for the second day in a row.

This makes up for the fact that I was delinquent during the first work week of the year.

I'm now on track for keeping my Resolution. I am so great.

Romantic Male Box - Update

Remember the guy I was supposed to meet 2 weeks ago at Tim's, the one whose car wouldn't start in the cold?

Well, I got an email last night. A supplicating email. He's so sorry he's been so busy, etc., etc.

I'll be nice when I respond, but the message will be "you snooze, you lose".
signed,
Miss Too Too Popular of the North

Coo Coo Ka Choo, Mrs. Robinson

In case you are wondering, I'm luvin' the Northern Ireland sex scandal. Yeah, baby.

She was 60, he was 19.

Three words: You go, girl.

Aunt o' the week

Today is the 80th birthday of my auntie who lives in Calgary.

I asked her if she had any special plans. She said not really, but she would definitely mark the day with a Crown Royal.

Don Draper would approve. Carry on.

Alec

Ok. So Alec Baldwin is:
a) fat
b) hairy.

Is this worth the price of admission? I dunno, to each his or her own. But I can imagine a certain someone buying the DVD and re-running two or three short scenes over and over and over.

The cinema was packed, but I did not overhear any moans of pleasure from the back row so I assume there wasn't anybody I know in attendance.

I cannot get over how fat Alec is.

In New Year's news, I brought my lunch from home today, so Resolution No. 9 is covered for this week. I am so great.

Tip o' the week

Today at IGA, overheard this conversation between two young male clerks who were stocking shelves:

Dude 1: Hey, wanna hear about a new drink?
Dude 2: What?
Dude 1: A new drink. Canadian Club and ginger ale.
Dude 2: Oh yeah?
Dude 1: Yeah. It goes down like ginger ale and it really fucks you up.

I don't know what is funnier that it fucks you up or that Canadian Club and ginger ale is "new".

Don Draper would approve. Carry on.

I Slept! I Slept!

I slept from 11:00 until 7:00 without once waking up during the night! It's time to sing from the rafters:

Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah!
For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth!
Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah! Halleljuah!

(Handel must've been an insomniac.)


P.S. I made a hilarious typo that I should've left in (but being an "editor" I had to correct). I had written the Lord Gord. If I was thanking the Lord Gord, I would've sung the Canadian Railway Trilogy.

WWAD?

Very successful date with the Big Bosnian last night.
Very successful date with Nickname Pending last Sunday.

One week, two great guys.

What would Angelina do?

(I'm still waiting to wake up from this great dream.)

Joseph and his head, reunited and it feels so good

Ta da. There ya go, Joe. Back in one piece.
Now he looks like he's wearing a black velvet choker from the 60's, like Melanie.
Let's all sing: I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key.

For anyone who cares to know, this figurine was purchased in the 1950's and was made in Italy. Stuff like this just doesn't exist anymore. It's practically a Bellini. Well maybe not.

The Big Red One is in a sulk today because he has nobody to decapitate. He's asleep and no doubt dreaming of next December. Kill! Kill!

Slept a little

Managed to sleep from 1:00 until 7:00. I feel a bit recovered, but my eyes still look something like the Grinch's heart, two sizes too small.

An afternoon nap is on the menu.

This morning I have to finish packing away the Xmas tree and decorations. Joseph's head still needs to be glued back on, and Mary is still MIA after 4 days. I can't find her anywhere.

My search for the missing BVM has led me to realize that also on the agenda for this morning is vacuuming under every piece of furniture. It's not decluttering per se, but it's enough housecleaning to qualify for a good deed under Resolution No. 8.

Wide Awake

Had dinner with a couple of the girls last night. To finish the meal, two of us ordered decafs since we cannot sleep if we have regular. We drank our coffees.

At 1:00 a.m., I started to suspect those weren't decafs.

At 3:05 a.m., I was pretty well sure those weren't decafs.

When the alarm went off, I was in a daze. I came to work. My colleague comes into my office and says "I didn't sleep AT ALL last night. I'm exhausted. I'm sure those weren't decafs."

I had already had insomnia Sunday and Monday. So I've slept one night out of four this week.

I'm taking tomorrow off work. I have a "date" with a Large Bosnian tomorrow night. I need all of Friday to sleep, lest I look even worse than I feel, and I feel pretty darn bad.

Not busy right now

I'll share a little anecdote since I am between tasks now.

On Sunday afternoon, when I arrived at Nickname Pending's place, he had put on some music. I didn't really notice what it was, a mix of some kind. We were sitting on the couch, chatting, and then You've Got A Friend, by James Taylor, a.k.a. the Voice of a Slow Painful Death, came on.

(Important detail: Nickname Pending is a bit younger* than me.)

After a minute, I stopped and asked: Do you really listen to this? He looked worried and said in a meek voice: I thought you'd like it.

Anyone who knows me can just imagine my face at that moment.

In a flash, NP was off the couch and at his computer looking for a new mix. He sat back on the couch, the Beastie Boys came on. And all was well.

P.S. This morning, lying awake listening to CBC before dragging my carcass out of bed, You've Got a Friend came on. That dreadful song is going to haunt me all week.

*Okay, fine, quite a bit younger.

I confess

I confess I have been delinquent in reading Mr. Chris Kelly's columns. So I'm catching up over lunch at my desk.

The line: "he understands the Bible like a turtle humping a shoe" made me LOL. Literally.

It was like in a movie. I went HAW! and then slapped my hand over my mouth. Why do we do this? Do we think we can stuff the laugh back in? It escaped and loudly. No turning back.

Chris appears to know everything about Mary, the mother of Jesus. Any questions on the nomenclature of the BVM? He's your man.

Important Memo to JAW Fan

On Saturday I shall be seeing the Meryl Streep/Alec Baldwin comedy.

Please advise if I need to report back only on how many juicy flank shots there are, or whether you require a thorough evaluation of all incidents of exposed Baldwin skin.

Thanks for your cooperation.

The Second Coming

You know there is all that talk about the world ending in 2012, Nostradamus and the Aztecs and all that ooga booga shit.

It's wrong. The world is ending in 2010. The universe has spun onto its head, and nothing is as it was. I'm taking to quoting Yeats, the centre cannot hold. et cetera.

I'm now facing the prospect of having 2 boyfriends. In 49 effing years on planet Earth this has never happened. My sister says it's like an Archie comic, and I'm dating at Riverdale High.

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.

Nickname Pending has informed from under the pile of papers on his desk, that the first available day where he can escape his overworked, stressed-out job is a day just for us.

Meanwhile, the Big Bosnian with whom I saw the John Woo movie last month, has resurfaced with a supplicating email. We must meet for coffee and there I will tell him if I want him. He hopes so.

"The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned; "

Wow, I'd forgotten how much I love this poem.

Argh!

I hate Georgia. I hate idiots who live in the state of Georgia*. I hate idiot southern racists. I hate, I hate, I hate.

I hope that whoever did this effigy thing drops dead. I'm so digusted by this.

Sick fucks.

*Greg, if you're reading, this is obviously not you, but of course you know that.

Resolution No. 3, Part Deux

Pigs are flying.
Hell has frozen over solid.


I had 2, count 'em, 2 dates this weekend. Thank you, craigslist.


Craigslist is indeed full of pervs, creeps, nakeds, speedos and general weirdos (i.e. friends of Mitch D. fer instance) but with a decent bull**** detector and some patience, it is possible to uncover a few decent men.


Today I met another, Nickname Pending, and he was a doll. But the polar opposite of the gentleman last night. They had only one thing in common: Both of them helped me put on my coat. Last night, it was clear this was Standard Operating Procedure for the nice older man. Today, when Nickname Pending, helped me with my coat he said "I saw this in a movie once". I'm such a pushover for goofy guys with funny lines.

Resolution No. 3

Survived my movie date tonight. A very nice man, older than me, with a voice like a South Asian James Earl Jones.

I don't plan to see him again, but when we parted he said: "We WILL see each other again". I just couldn't say "we'll see" in my meek little doofus voice.

A Single Man is a terrific movie. Really stylish, and Julianne Moore is terrific. It has one of the most hilarious attempted suicide scenes ever. That's saying something.

Inglourious Basterd Cat

The Big Red One went medieval on the manger this morning. Joseph got more than scalped.

Being a traditionalist, I usually try to keep the tree up until Epiphany, but that's looking unlikely at the moment.

I Resolve -- 2010 edition

Happy Snowy New Year's Day to all, unless it's sunny and hot where you are, and probably already January 2 by now. In that case, I am a day late, but the sentiment remains the same.

I have compiled my very serious list of Resolutions for this brand new year.

1. Stop adopting other people's cats.
2. Buy new glasses.
(I did this yesterday. Hurray for me. I can cross it off the list. 2010 is already a roaring success.)
3. Go on dates. (Again success. I have a movie date scheduled for tomorrow. But will I be pre-emptively dumped once again? Who knows?)
4. Convince my boss to retire so I can apply for and get her job. (This will NEVER happen but a girl can dream.)
5. Stop procrastinating. (About what? About everthing!)*
6. Become Machiavellian at work. (See 4. above.)

and now the usual suspects:
7. Lose 15 pounds.
8. Declutter the house.
9. Bring a lunch once a week.

and finally I am reviving this one which first appeared in 2007. I need it.
10. Be more mirthful.

*No. 5 is a direct result of the satisfaction gained from having accomplished No. 2. I originally got my prescription for my new lenses in December 2008. When I went back to the eye doctor in December 2009, I had to confess that I never got around to filling the script. The eye doctor shook his head, and I swore to him than when he saw me next December, I would be wearing my new glasses. I even vowed to buy them by the end of the month. Which I managed to accomplish on December 31. And, yeah, it felt good to finally get something done. So that is why No. 5 is on the list.