Jerry Lewis Telethon Wrap-Up

OK, OK, I confess. I admit I didn’t watch the Jerry Lewis telethon, primarily because it is unbearable but secondly because I knew someone else would watch it and I could just crib the best bits. Thanks to the Washington Post, here are the “highlights”:

No. 1:
10:15 p.m. Jerry introduces his first guest. "If you don't try to see this lady at the Colosseum at Caesars Palace, you're nuts!" Celine Dion appears. She sings "Summertime" and gets a standing ovation. She kisses Jerry. "You look incredible," she says. Jerry kisses her hand. "You're kissing my hand," she says. "I'm kissing your hand and trying to steal your ring," Jerry says. "What a rock!" “You're kissing my hand and you're touching everybody's heart," she replies.

No. 2:
Monday, 12:04 a.m. It's now Day 2. Jerry introduces comedian Rita Rudner, who lives in Las Vegas but is performing in New York. "Las Vegas is becoming classier," she says. "We have a ballet company now. It's topless, but it's classy."

When Rudner finishes, Jerry plugs her new novel, "Turning the Tables." Then he gazes up at the camera, looking confused. “Where am I?" he asks. "Why don't I see something?" "What would you like to see?" asks Ed McMahon. "I'd like to see naked broads," Jerry says. "Can I get you a glass of milk?" Ed asks.

(Nanuk note: Am I the only one who LOVES the fact that Jerry uses the term “naked broads” on a fundraiser for sick children? He is the greatest.)

No. 3:
11:15 a.m. Ed is back! And he brought Larry King, who brought his wife, who proceeds to read a children's book called "The Runaway Bunny" to violin accompaniment.

No. 4:
3 p.m. "Welcome to hour 18 of the 19 -- whatever year it is -- telethon," Jerry says. He's getting a little giddy. He greets a woman from Safeway who has come bearing a huge donation. "You're very cute," he says. "You're not hitting on me are you?" "No," she says.

A moment later, he's sidling up to one of his co-hosts, Jann Carl of "Entertainment Tonight." "You know, there's something about you that I love," he says, "but I can't put my finger on it." She laughs. "If I told you that you had a beautiful body," he asks, "would you hold it against me?" The man is pure, unchained id.