Endless Drivel

You heard that on the day McCartney’s latest abomination was released, every Starbucks on earth had to play it over and over for a full day.

I forgot to ask my poor niece if she had a shift on that day. To my mind, they should’ve paid employees double-time and a half for their suffering. Even then it wouldn’t have been enough.

Sing a little song, do a little dance

Whilst pondering Iron Man today (don’t ask), I began to think of making a list of songs.

The most likely list would be, of course, the 10 Best Songs in the Universe. But I could never trim my list of faves down to 10.

So then I got to thinking about which songs I could live the rest of my life without ever hearing again and I wouldn’t miss them. Again I don’t think I can narrow this down to 10, so I’ll just start and see where this goes.

1. Hotel California
2. Stairway to Heaven. I liked it when I was 16 but overplay, overplay, overplay, leaves me never wanting to hear it again.
3. Bloody Well Right. And just about every other Supertramp song I can think of.

I think this list is going to be 1980s heavy. And yes, Montrealers, I am a victim of growing up listening to CHOM. So many songs I hate just because CHOM had to play them day in and day out.

4. Silly Love Songs. This is the Wings part of the list. I could have 10 or 20 items just on the anti-Wings list. God I hate Paul McCartney.
5. McCartney’s horrible Christmas song. I don’t know the name of it. I know everything McCartney- related should fall under No. 4 above, but this one deserves its own spot.
6. We Built this City on Rock’n’Roll. So bad it could’ve been recorded by Wings.
7. Heaven. I don’t hate Bryan Adams but I’ve always hated this one.
8. We Didn’t Start the Fire. Yep, it’s the Billy Joel moment on the list. Again, several songs could fill this spot.
9. Rainy Day Women 12 & 35. Hey, you didn’t expect to see a Dylan song here, I bet. But I hate this song and never need to hear it again.
10. Crazy Little Thing Called Loved. Queen deserves a spot in the Top Ten. You know this isn’t the only one of theirs that deserves to be here.

You know, sometimes there’s a song that could and should be on the list that gets saved by some bit of freakish luck. I’m thinking of Sussudio right now. Ack. What a horrible song. But it was used so effectively in American Psycho that now it is forever associated with Christian Bale in my mind and that can only be a good thing. So Sussudio is saved.

I’ll pause now, but I already have No. 11 ready for the 11 through 20 part of the list. No it’s not a cliffhanger. No. 11 is...

11. Don’t Worry Be Happy.

A Moment of Silence, Please

The creator of Cheez Whiz has died.

I raise my celery stick to you, sir.

(He also did something to make McDonald's fries tastier. He should be an American national hero. Science! )

She Rocks

A girl horse won The Belmont today. Cool.

G-8 - Well, that was quick!

How long did I feel sorry for Bush? 2? 3 hours? Then I saw this picture.

Reports say that's a Non-Alcoholic Beer. Riiiiight. 'Cause nobody's ever switched a label on a beer bottle before.

Oh Angela, you German minx. You led dipsy Georgie down the wrong path. Now today Georgie had a "stomach ailment". As someone who has suffered from real "not self-inflicted" stomach trouble, I say Baloney.

I gotta admit, though, for a Non-Alcoholic beer, that thing looks pretty tasty.

G-8, Part Three

Bush had to miss some of today's activities because he had "stomach trouble".

Knowing how miserable such things are, for the first time in my life, I feel for him.

(This is assuming, of course, that he really did have gastro problems, and wasn't just hung over from a night of downing Jagermeister shots.)

One thing I thought was funny yesterday was that Vlad the Impaler offered to put the missile defence thingie in Azerbaijan. Um. Isn't Azerbaijan an independent country? Did anyone ask the leader of Azerbaijan is he wanted that thing put there? Obviously not. I'm sure if anyone raised this with Vlad, he would've just glared at them and said: what's your point? He's not a nice man.

G-8, Part 2

Who decides the seating arrangement at the conference table?

I'd think that as host, Germany would have the last say. But then why is poor Angela stuck next to the Chimp again? As Chancellor, shouldn't she have the right to say: stick that Frat Boy at the far end of the table as far away from me as possible?

Poor thing. Doesn't she have enough on her plate?

G-8

So, what's happening? Has Bush started bombing Russia yet?

Some weeks, it's better to stay in bed with the blankets pulled way up high over one's head.

Have been sick

Am still feeling like dirt. No blogging to be done.

Mr. TB

Turns out the new father-in-law of the Flying TB-Carrying Arse is a TB researcher at the Center for Disease Control. Coincidence? I think not. Though FIL claims he did not infect his son-in-law, I have my doubts.

My theory: FIL did not want his daughter to marry an arrogant self-centered lawyer, but he couldn’t talk her out of it.

Solution: Diabolical murder plot. Kill him slowly with TB germs. That’s what they’d do on t.v. anyway.

In other news, I was remiss in not mentioning this earlier, but remember the two-timing Space Shuttle Pilot who was at center of the whole crazy-astronaut-drives-900-miles-in-a-diaper story from last Winter? Remember that guy? Well NASA fired him. I’m not sorry. He was sent back to the navy or air force or wherever they got him from. He’ll have to settle for two-timing female naval officers from now on.

T-e-n-s-i-o-n

The National Spelling Bee was on t.v. last night.

I couldn't stand it. I watched one kid spell one word and then I switched the station.

Baseball is more relaxing.

This just shows that if I am ever captured by an enemy and submitted to torture, all they have to do is run a tape of a spelling bee. I'll confess to anything. Uncle!

Friday Edition: Gay Secrets Revealed!!

Here's what I've learned.

When three gay men get together on a muggy afternoon, what do they do?

Discuss the finer distinctions between the Royal Tern and the Caspian Tern.

HOT!!!

(merci, les gars.)

First local news, now global news

The Chimperor finally admitted that the US is in Iraq for the next 50 years, like they are in South Korea. That’s nice to know. He’ll be good and dead, and his mess still won’t be cleaned up.

I can understand the presence of US troops in Korea, but there are still tens of thousands of them in Japan. Japan? Why? What do those troops do, other than get in trouble for occasionally raping the local women? Keeping an eye on China, I suppose.

Also, how about that Cage Match between Condi and the Russian Foreign Minister, Lavrov. That guy is bitch-eee. By the time their comments ended, he was about two seconds away from saying “and I hate her shoes!” Smackdown!

Also, two Canadians dead in A’stan so far this week. More of the same. And what do the Conservatives do to distract us? Run attack ads in English Canada against Stephane Dion. Excuse me, but running attack ads when there’s no election campaign doesn’t make the Tories look good. It makes them look like petty assholes. And, meanwhile, despite their claims to the contrary, they aren’t fully covering the funeral expenses for the dead soldiers. Nice.

Back in the US, Gore isn’t even running but the conservatives are already out to destroy him. David Brooks’ column in the Times was moronic and shameful. The right wingers sure are afraid of Gore. MoDo was even worse. “Gore is fat”. That’s all she has to contribute to the conversation? Then shut up. What’s wrong with her lately? Yuck.

I [heart] Al.

P.S. Wake up, Senators. Time's a wastin'.

Around the 'Hood

Conversation between yours truly and a neighbour in her 60s. Topic: another family on our street.

60: You know you have to be careful what you call them. Don’t call them Chinese.
Me: Aren’t they Vietnamese?
60: Yes. But don’t call them Chinese. They get upset and say “We’re Vietnamese”.
Me: Umm. Yeah?
60: Well, they are so picky.
Me: Umm. There is a difference. Whether they’re from Cambodia, or China, or Viet Nam. They want to be called by the right name.
60: Who cares? They’re all Asian. It’s all the same.
Me: Well. Not to them.
60: I still call them Chinese.

Canada is Evil

First the 9/11 hijackers entered the US from Canada.
Now Mr. TB enters the US from Canada.

See the pattern.

Canada is the source, or at least the transfer point, of all evil.

We should be nuked. Clearly. There's no other way to make the world safe.

In Jollier News

The Beer Festival starts today.

I really should go and taste-test a few...it's so close to work I could do that on my lunch hour.

More Doom on the Way

Creepy story on The National last night about a guy with untreatable tuberculosis who flew from Atlanta to Paris to Prague, and then Prague to Montreal. The cops finally tracked him down in New York State and flew him back to Atlanta where he is now being kept in a superduper quarantine.

Apparently there are 4 standard drugs to treat TB and this guy’s strain is resistant to all 4 of them.

Now the authorities want to test everyone who was sitting near him on all his flights. Great. Good luck tracking those folks down. What about the people he encountered on the ground?

While we’re all waiting for bird flu to kill us, what if this guy turns out to be Patient Zero in an epidemic of ultra-virulent scary-ass TB that’s already moving through North America and Europe.

Today's Birding News

Aren't these guys cute? I took this picture in Florida. I know nothing about birds, so if anyone knows what they are called, please let me know. I just like their black flat-tops.

Don't Go Killing All the Bees

I’m reading about the bee problem. You know, the fact that so many hives have collapsed this year and so many billions of bees have died that it may affect our fruit-growing production here in North America. Terrific. Something else to worry about.

Here’s the quote that scared me: “Bees are a necessary part of our food production. If we don't grow our own cherries and apples, can't we just buy them somewhere else? The answer is yes. But do we want to become as dependent on foreign nations for our food as we are dependent on them for fuel?”

Yikes. We're already buying Europe's Best vegetables from China, along with antifreeze-laden toothpaste.

So here’s a doomsday scenario for ya: War over oil, war over food and war over water. (Oh yeah, America, we KNOW you’re coming after our fresh water some day. We know it.)

Jeez. How grim.

And speaking of collapsing….Stupid Senators.

Clive and Smarty chatting on the couch

Slate.com has a series of Clive James interviews with various writers, directors, etc. I watched the Martin Amis interview, which I enjoyed but one thing struck me as unintentionally funny. There are several instances where they both appear to name-drop the most famous writers they can think of, and it really comes across like a parody of intellectuals rather than a real writer talking to a serious interviewer.

It’s in the way James will say “Oh, and Joyce”, and Amis responds with “Yes, yes, Joyce”. Or James: “Like Nabokov”; Amis: “Yes, of course, Nabokov”. It feels like a Fry & Laurie sketch. Especially in the way Clive James is perched on the couch, and both of them are smoking and drinking throughout the interview.

But Smarty has a great line. I don’t remember if it’s an original or he is quoting somebody else, but he says: Finnegans Wake is a 700-page crossword clue, and the answer is “The”.

He's deader than [blank]

No more frivolities today, only sombre thoughts, as one of our icons, our hero Charles Nelson Reilly has passed on to the Great Match Game in the sky.

Gene Rayburn is waiting for him on the other side, holding that weird long skinny microphone.

And furthermore...

if you do eat Chinese products, don't brush your teeth afterwards with Chinese toothpaste!

"MANAGUA, Nicaragua -- Nicaraguan police seized 6,000 tubes of a Chinese-made toothpaste suspected of containing a chemical that killed at least 51 people in nearby Panama last year, the health minister said Sunday.

All U.S. imports of Chinese toothpaste were halted last week to test for diethylene glycol _ a chemical commonly used in antifreeze and brake fluid."

I wonder if they put antifreeze in toothpaste so you don't get that painful numbing feeling when you eat ice cream?

Just askin'

How can a product produced in China be marketed under the name "Europe's Best"?

Am I ultrasensitive, or does that seem a tad dishonest?

They aren't hiding it. The words "Product of China" are pretty big on the back of this bag of frozen vegetables I'm looking at.

Last time I bought a bag of "Europe's Best" it was a product of Belgium. Which last time I checked was still in Europe, so that was okay. But now? I dunno what gives.

I confess the recent dog- and cat-food scandal has made me nervous about all consumables coming from China.

Kyoto Trading Cards

For work reasons, I’ve been reading a report on emissions trading and the Kyoto Protocol, and you know what? This is bullshit.

There’s a provision that allows rich, western countries to "help" poor underdeveloped countries cut their emissions. And then the rich country can use this help in their tally of reducing emissions, even though they haven’t actually cut any pollution in their own country.

Basically it’s a provision that allow countries like Canada or France (let’s not even mention the USA) to keep polluting their heads off while earning stupid do-gooder brownie points by saying oh look we helped Guatemala or Uganda reduce their greenhouse gas emissions. Not that they were emitting that many in the first place, but that’s the way it is. It’s always easier to make the poor, weak guy clean up his act than do it yourself.

And, as a bonus, we get to keep producing whatever it is we produce as cheaply as we can while making the poor country increase its production costs, so they can never get ahead. It’s a western win-win, make money and keep polluting while keeping the poor guys down. Way to go.

Then there’s this whole "market" where countries can buy and sell their emissions credits. Again, it’s a way for rich countries to buy their way out of actually doing the hard work of reducing pollution. Just buy the credits off the poor guys who don’t use all their credits because they are poor and not manufacturing all that much.

I suppose the only way to get a global agreement is to leave plenty of loopholes for the rich countries to buy their way out of responsibility, but still. This is the best we can do? It’s sad.

Ranting about Global Warming...again

Read a good article in the London Review of Books (lrb.co.uk) on global warming.

I've reached the point where I don't even care if this phenomenon is man-made or entirely natural. What concerns me is, what are we going to do about it? The articles raises a number of questions that I don't see discussed often enough. Here they are (it's a long quote, but has a good punchline, so I'm including it all):

"What would happen if the harvest failed all across Europe or the US or Africa?

What would happen if it failed again the next year, and the year after that?

What would happen if the rain-and-meltwater pattern in the Yangtze valley, the core of Chinese agriculture, changed?

What would happen if the glacial run-off from the Himalayas, which supplies most of India with its water, were to change?

What would happen if the behaviour of El Niño were to become so unpredictable that agriculture in the Southern Hemisphere became unsustainable at current population levels?

What would happen if those glaciers were to melt away?

What would happen if the Gulf Stream (the Atlantic’s ‘meridional overturning circulation’, as it is scientifically known) were to shut down suddenly – the Day after Tomorrow disaster scenario? The prediction is that Western Europe would become 8ºC cooler, about the temperature of Canada. But Canada produces enough food to feed 30 million people and enough grain to feed 60 million. Western Europe has a population of about 450 million. So what would they eat?

Hurricane Katrina gave us a glimpse of how quickly a meteorological event can destroy a city in the richest country in the world. We may be moving towards a future in which events like that come to seem commonplace. Anything in the paper today, darling? Not much – oh, all the Dutch drowned."

Ho hum, the poor Dutch. Always the poor Dutch. It is like Global Warming is World War II and 2007 is 1938. Everyone's standing around saying, hmmm, the situation is bad. Yes indeed it's bad. It's terrible. Yep, things sure are dangerous. Terrible and dangerous. Terribly dangerous. Let's all nod our heads in agreement.

So what's to be done about it? Let's all shrug our shoulders. What? You talking to me? says every government. Governments can't impose any harsh measure 'cause, heck, they need to get re-elected.

Friday Afternoon Cat Blogging

Miss H. sez BOTTOMS UP!

In Birding News

In case anyone missed this story, it was my laugh of the day yesterday:

As President Bush took a question Thursday in the White House Rose Garden about scandals involving his Attorney General, he remarked, "I've got confidence in Al Gonzales doin' the job." Simultaneously, a sparrow flew overhead and left a splash on the President's sleeve, which Bush tried several times to wipe off. (ABC)

I thought the airspace over the White House was a no-fly zone. How did that Al-Qaeda sympathizer bird get in there?

Groan!

Looks like we might have another election. We all knew this minority government biz wasn't going to work 'round these parts.

As much as I don't care for Charest & Co., I'm annoyed that the opposition parties are willing to vote the government out after only 2 months. Elections cost money. Nobody wants to go through another one so soon. Argh.

Don Giovanni

Loyal readers will know how important culture is to this blog. In keeping with that tradition, I invited friend-of-the-show JAW Fan to submit his comments on the local production of big bad Don Giovanni currently on at Place des Arts.

Take it away JAW...

"The opening décor which had a somewhat Vincent-Price-movie-kind-of-look was quite nice. Slowly it was pulled away to reveal a type of industrial scaffolding. Costumes were not of the original period, but not particularly modern. Some nice lighting effects and atmosphere in the second half, which helped create a dark ambiance.

There were a couple of goofy thugs on stage(who stole chicken legs off Don Giovanni's plate, at one point) who needed to go. Singing was what you expect from a decent Montreal production, ok but not great since we haven't got the money to pay the really good people.

Now my complaints, the woman behind me with the plastic bag who kept playing with it and making crinkly noises, the woman behind me who was opening her candy during my favorite aria from the opera (needless to say, I turned my head and gave her a glaring look...I don't think she ever dared to eat her candy afterwards), the eleven year-old girl who kept sprawling out restlessly in the chair in front of me (at least she was quiet), and last-but-always-my-biggie the incessant coughing (Cold season is over...and if you do have a cough, have you never heard of Buckley's) And worse than the coughing, all the throat clearing...why are you clearing your throat atthe opera? It's not like you're talking (which naturally some people were doing!!!! They think if they whisper, no one will hear them. It's an opera,not a Black Sabbath concert...at least this time, however, no one sang along.

I might have to go back to boycotting live opera and focus on opera DVDs instead."

It's Dylan's Birthday

Bob is 66 today.

It's a gorgeous day. Lilacs are everywhere. The street smells so sweet.

What better way to celebrate than to take a day off work and stay home, puttering in the garden, planting annuals and tomatoes. Not that I've done any of that yet, but I'm heading outdoors any minute now.

Had an excellent practice last night. The canal was so calm, and the weather was perfect. There is a bakery somewhere between St. Henri and Ville LaSalle because we paddled down past the Angrignon overpass and right near there, man, the smell of fresh baked bread was unbelievable.

My technique is definitely improving. I paddled hard for the whole practice and yet didn't have sore arms at all. I'm finally learning to use my back and shoulders. If I can figure this out, anyone can.

Pathetic Losers

The Democrats caved on that war-funding bill down in the US of A.

How lame is that.

What are they afraid of?

How can such an incompetent and evil regime have no opposition?

Our neighbours to the south are totally sunk. There is not a political leader in the whole country with a backbone. My condolences.

Big Al

I'm watching Al Gore on Larry King right now.

I hope Al never runs for President again because he would go back to being careful and boring, and he's much better the way he is now.

Self-Help

I gotta get working on that self-help best-seller. Pronto.

I just saw the Organization's budget for the next three years, and it says we have to cut our workforce by 18%. That's a lot. Basically we have to go from 610 to 500-ish staff.

Any ideas for a new career for me?

Tuesday After Holiday Monday

Oh. I am so tired. Why is it so difficult to come back to work?

I must start buying lottery tickets.

Or I have to write the next big self-help book for suckers, like The Secret. Maybe I'll call it the Super Secret. Or The Mystery. Or Rescue Your Life. (Hey, that's not bad...) Anything to make a fortune and leave the 9-to-5 and sleep in on beautiful mornings like this. Yawn.

At least the Express bus was running.

Holiday Monday

It's a lovely day for a holiday. Thank you, Queen Victoria. Or, in Quebec, merci aux "Patriotes" whoever you are. They keep changing the name of the Holiday here, for reasons known only to the powers that be.

For a long time, people called it la Fete de Dollard in honour of Dollard-des-Ormeaux, who it then turned out was some kind of historical dud, so he lost the holiday. Now it's for your run-on-the-mill Quebecois patriots. I'm so old-fashioned I still call it La Fete de la Reine. As far as I'm concerned, Queen Victoria is not an imminent threat to our "national" identity.

We'd be better off calling it tomato and flower planting day because that's what most people do anyway.

Or we could call it one-day-before-the-transit-strike day. I really hope they settle this transit dispute without a strike tomorrow. Otherwise that will be a pain in the ass.

Senators Win, Street Sense Doesn't

Yay! Ottawa is off to the Stanley Cup finals. I'm happy.

In other sports news, a very exciting Preakness today, which I missed unfortunately. Another year with no Triple Crown winner. Who knew those three wins were so hard to achieve? Will we ever see another one?

There was a 25-year gap between Citation and Secretariat. And next year will be 30 years since Affirmed. Crazy long drought.

Segue

Speaking of droughts...I read today that it is finally raining in Australia. That's very good news indeed.

Who's your Hitler?

Chris weighs in on one of my favourite types of rhetoric today.

I mean, of course, the old standby:

Comparing your enemy to Hitler.

Click on the link.

Another Sign of Spring

Spring doesn't just mean fresh War in the Middle East...

"Spring has arrived in ...southeastern Vermont ....Resident Theresa Toney said she was dining at a downtown restaurant when she spotted this spring's first naked person. She looked out the window "and saw a man in his 60s walking up and down Main Street totally nude," she told the Brattleboro Reformer newspaper. "This is indecent exposure where it doesn't belong." (AP)

This story, of course, raises two questions:

1) Where does indecent exposure belong?

2) What was the naked guy doing on Main Street, other than just being naked?

Wolfie's a Goner

Another one bites the dust. You knew Wolfowitz's days were numbered when the White House announced that "all options were on the table" in his regard. Isn't that the phrase they usually use when they're planning a nuclear strike on you. I believe Iran raised its hand, and said: "Wait a minute, that's my threat! How dare you use it on someone else! "

So that means the only one left on the Get Lost List is Alberto Gonzales. He's really digging in his heels. That man's like a turd that won't flush.*


*Yesss! That's a "Waterworld" quote. A first!!

Hitchens on Falwell

You know how conflicted I am about Christopher Hitchens. Like him. Hate him. Hate him more than like him.

But when he hits one out of the park, I have to give him credit.

I'm too much of a luddite to know how to post a YouTube link on the site, but it truly is worth seeking out Hitchens on AC360. Hilarious vitriol.

What a hoot. And all true to boot.

It's Cold

When I got home last night, my hands were numb from the cold. I wore gloves this morning and didn't feel like a fool.

And the furnace started up in the night. Temps were closing to freezing.

How can I even think about planting tomatoes this weekend with this kind of nasty weather?

This is doing nothing to alleviate my grumpiness.

Our Dumb World

Spring is here, and we all know what that means. It's the beginning of the War Season in the Middle East.

Hamas and Fatah have been pounding the crap out of each other for a week now. Does anyone know why they do this? And why they keep on doing it? I saw that some Palestinian civilians staged a demonstration against this Palestinian-on-Palestinian violence. And what happened? They got shot at. Way to go.

Now Israel is bombing Gaza. Ho-hum.

It’s just a matter of time before somebody lobs a bomb into Lebanon and wheee, we’re off.

Whatever happened to those two kidnapped Israeli soldiers who sparked last summer’s war? They’re still being held prisoner, aren’t they? Phew, glad that was resolved.

Senators Lose

and I ate too much popcorn.

Now I'm grumpy.

Don't try this at home

MADISON, Wis. (AP) - A delivery truck ran over a cyclist's head, leaving him only with a concussion and a mangled helmet. Ryan Lipscomb, 26, was shaken up, especially after he saw the condition of his helmet.

"I didn't see it coming, but I sure felt it roll over my head," he said. "It feels really strange to have a truck run over your head."

Question: Why was the cyclist lying in the road?

Will the Senators win tonight?

They better.

I'm buying popcorn and everything! I want to enjoy this game.

Cannes

Wong Kar Wai is premiering his first English-language film at Cannes. I love Wong Kar Wai as much as anybody, but if the movie doesn't star Tony Leung, well, I'm just not that interested. Jude Law is no substitute for Tony Leung. Thus have I spoken.

Also, there's another Hong Kong special showing that is a collaboration between Tsui Hark, Johnnie To and Ringo Lam. I don't know what the Cantonese title is, but in English it should be called Too Many Cooks. I hope I'm wrong and it turns out to be some kind of monster-size masterpiece.

Jerry Falwell Died

*







*If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all.

I Love Clive James

Ten minutes with nothing to do?

Go to the Times of London site’s Arts & Entertainment section and watch Clive James’s film on 20th Century. He’s still got it! He's the dream commentator for those of us who like our history lessons with a lot of humour in them. No matter how grim the topic.

Years ago, CBC ran his series Fame in the 20th Century and I was blown away by him. The only thing I retained was his referring to the commander of the Luftwaffe as “Fatty” Goering. It was completely unnecessary. It added nothing but was still so funny.

Anyway, his current film is about dictators and includes all the biggies, Stalin, Fidel and Mao, and the snide commentary is a lot of fun.

Did you know that Coco Chanel was friendly with the Nazis? I didn’t know anything about this. It would be enough to make me toss out my Chanel No. 5, if I had any to toss out.

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/

The Senators Carry On

They are one easy win away from the Stanley Cup Finals.

I must confess that seeing Harper in the crowd in his Senators jersey was almost enough to make me switch my allegiance. Almost.

The Tao of Steve

Steve McQueen has been dead for 26 years, and there's never been a big revival movement about him.

How come?

He was cool.

Shouldn't there, at some point, have been a period where the people who decide these things decided that Steve McQueen would be the dead icon du jour and his movies would get re-released and people would adopt his style, his look, etc. No biopic. If this ever happened, I missed it.

His widow has now published a book and there's an exhibit of photographs currently showing in London. So maybe 2007 will be the Summer of Steve.

Who could play Steve in a biopic? My vote: Heath Ledger.

Jane Fonda: Brazen Hussy

Catching up on my t.v. watching yesterday, I was aghast at Jane Fonda’s appearance on (literally on) Stephen Colbert last week.

She sat on his lap and kissed him throughout the interview. It was very bizarre. Colbert fell totally out of character. He looked dazed and bashful and maybe a bit desperate about how to keep the interview going.

She didn’t look like she was kidding, and he looked like a guy who’s thinking his marriage is going to be on the rocks in the very near future.

When she had been on the first time, with Gloria Steinem, and had kissed Colbert twice during that segment, I’d thought, hmmm, she’s really after him. Now it’s clear she was back for more. I hope she sent a note to Mrs. Colbert. Some kind of offering should be made, or else Stephen’s got some serious ‘splaining to do.

Happy Mother's Day

Best Mother's Day wishes to Ms. Mushrooms, Rattansifan, Ms. Chicken Coupons and Anne, and any other Moms out there that I may have missed.

Make sure your families treat you right!

I've Thrown in the Towel

I have officially given up pursuit of Mr. Perfect Storm.

After a succession of friendly passing encounters and e-mails, I got totally shut out yesterday. Ignored, snubbed.

I know I didn’t do anything wrong. I also know I’m too old for this kind of crap.

His loss.

Don’t let me go back on this if he decides to be friendly again. Hold me to it!

Still love the shoes, though. Okay, I’m weak. I admit it.

Yesterday

There was a lot of traffic on the site yesterday.
Apparently, many people thirst for more knowledge of fist-fights at Symphony Hall.

Senators Win

One down, three to go.

They will make my hair go grey(er) if I put too much into this series.

This never happened when Arthur Fiedler was Boss

BOSTON (AP) - Concert-goers, and even Boston Pops conductor Keith Lockhart, were caught off-guard when a fight broke out on opening night at usually sedate Symphony Hall.

Television video of the fight Wednesday night showed two men struggling in the balcony - one with his shirt pulled off - as several people stood around them. (CBC)

I want to know who gets into a brawl at a Boston Pops concert. It's just too silly.

I also love the fact that it was caught on video. Is it on YouTube yet?

Tony's a Goner

No need to thank me.

I'm accepting submissions for "Public Figures You Would Like Me To Get Rid Of".

International figures, or federal, provincial, even municipal. I'll use my awesome powers to send them into retirement.

Death by Rowing

God, practice was brutal tonight. My arms feel like noodles, and my upper back feels like it's in a permanent pinch. Where's my personal masseur?

We finally met our "official" coach tonight. She's about 23 and has rowed on the national team. I liked her.

Why?

She was wearing a Dylan T-shirt. Her parents must be into Bob.

State Dinner Guest List

At the state dinner last night Mr Bush was seated between the Queen and Nancy Reagan. Among other top-table guests were George Shultz, the late President Reagan’s Secretary of State; the tenor Plácido Domingo’s wife Marta, herself an opera director and retired singer; and the golfer Arnold Palmer. Another guest, although farther across the room, was Calvin Borel, the winning jockey in the Kentucky Derby, which the Queen saw on Saturday. (The Times of London)

Pardon me, but what the f*** is Arnold Palmer doing at the top-table of the state dinner for the Queen? Is he worthy of sitting with Placido Domingo's wife? Really? And what was she doing there? And where the hell was Placido?

Now, I watched the Kentucky Derby and I thought Calvin Borel was just the sweetest, cutest lil country boy ever, but I'd love to know how he felt at this big affair. He's gotta feel out of place, right? But he probably did no worse than W manners-wise.

Just Go

Why is Wolfowitz still hanging on at the World Bank? Just leave already. I guess he's waiting for some face-saving exit plan. Who cares? And a package. Apparently he'll get a nice package when he's booted out. Because you know he really needs the money. Urgh.

And Alberto Gonzalez? Man, he's still hanging on too. Do us all a favour and get out of public life.

And Tony Blair? Why is he dragging out his good-byes? Be off with you, Tony.

UPDATE: I was going to add Andre Boisclair to the Just Go list, but then I thought, nah, I'll cut him some slack. So what does he do? Resign. Hmm.

Ouch

I was moved to the right side of the boat tonight. That may be my better side, but I think I have the makings of an ambidextrous paddler.

This being said, we had to row a 12-minute segment, then a 10-minute, then an 8-minute. By the time we reached minute 6 of the final 8, my paddle was basically just dragging itself back and forth in the water. I couldn't lift it anymore. My poor tricep was crying in pain.

Builds character.

Gord

I finally got around to downloading my sister's Gordon Lightfoot CD.

Now I can listen to Canadian Railway Trilogy any time I want.

This is a nostalgic thrill of the highest order.


Also, I borrowed one of her SuperHits of the 70s CDs so I am now in possession of the Bay City Rollers' Saturday Night, too. Wow.

Grindhouse

I finally saw Grindhouse. And I can say with confidence that when Mr. Mushrooms Junior is 17 or 18 he is going to like this movie. Lots of blood, gore, zombies, machine-gun-leg shooting action, car stunts and pretty girls.

And supercool Taratino music.

It should be seen in a theatre. I felt like I was back in Cinema V, except my feet weren't sticking to the floor.

Hockey News

My wily strategy of ignoring the Senators is working very nicely. But now that they are the only remaining Canadian team in the race, I have to start watching them, thus dooming them to certain failure.

Alfredsson hasn’t collapsed. This is good. Maybe it’s because he isn’t dragging around as much hair as he usually does this time of year. I’ll grasp onto any theory at all.

I am so glad to see New Jersey gone, not because of the players but because of that scum GM Lamoriello who fired the coach and then took over. A pox on him, I said.

I’m assuming Buffalo will play Ottawa next. That should be really exciting and worth watching. I can’t bear it.

French Election Day

I think this election is a big deal. Which is why it seems rather pathetic that the two candidates are so lame. Why is it in Western democracies that nobody "good" seems to want to run for office anymore?

Or is it that politicians everywhere have always been less than they appear, but today nobody pretends otherwise?

I don't know if the international press collectively decided to pick on Segolene Royal, but every story I read about her was about her unpreparedness and her lack of knowledge of the world. I think there were two stories about her and her knowledge of Quebec, and it both cases she was duped and looked pretty dumb.

Sarkozy, on the other hand, just looks evil. He's a French Thatcher? Great.

Back at home, who do we have in the running? Justin Trudeau. God help us.

Facebook

Whilst pondering Facebook, it occurred to me that if I haven't seen somebody for 20 years there's probably a good reason for that.

I can count the people I haven't seen in 20 years that I would like to see again on the fingers of one hand and still have a few fingers left over.

I don't think Facebook is for misanthropes like me.

I saved $5

by not going to the track. I would've bet on Tiago and lost.

The Queen had a great hat. I wonder if she bet on the race, and if so, how much? I guess she would send a servant to the window. I can't picture her queued up with the cigar smokers and beer drinkers waiting to bet.

Happy Cinco de Mayo to all my Mexican friends. Actually I don't think I have any Mexican friends. No amigos para mi.

Nature Invades, Part Deux

Ack. At 8:00 a.m., I open the back door to head out with my laundry basket and crash! bang! Two massive groundhogs go galloping past the neighbour's back door and through their yard. Holy crap! Where did they come from? This is insane.

Not natural.

You think my tulips have a hope in hell of living more than an hour? Fat chance.

Last night, walking home around 10, I encountered a raccoon. He was casually climbing a tree. I stopped and stared at him, foolishly expecting him to run away. But did he? Nope. Just looked at me with an expression that said: Can I help you with something? and went about his business.

I don't live in a distant suburb. I live in the city. This is very unusual.

What's happened to our neighbourhood skunks, I wonder. Them, I'm used to. I wonder if they've been turfed out by the groundhogs.

Big Day Today

First: It's Kentucky Derby Day. I love the Triple Crown. I confess, however, that even though the track is only a 15-minute drive from my house, I can never be bothered to head over there to place a bet. I'm too lazy.

Why don't we have OTB at the local mall? Who do I contact about this?

Got a hankering for a Mint Julep and it's still early in the morning.

(I'm up so early on a Saturday because at 5:00 a.m. Mr. D. and the Big Red One decided that my bed was a NASCAR oval. After half an hour of their feline antics, I was wide awake. What a start to the weekend.)

Second: It's the Third Annual World Naked Gardening Day. Do what you want with this information. For me, I have a lot of raking and weed pulling to do today, but it's rather chilly and thus I am forced to undertake these activities fully clothed. Neighbourhood Peeping Toms breathe a sigh of relief.

Help, Advice Please

Someone just added me as a friend to her Facebook page. What do I do?

Is joining Facebook a good thing? It's not anonymous, is it? You actually have to use your real name and particulars, I think.

I don't much like this person who added me. She's on the dragon boat team and I find her very annoying.

Is anybody on Facebook? Isn't it mainly for teenagers and college students?

Nature Invades

When I left the house this morning, there was a big groundhog sitting in the neighbour's driveway.

I thought it would run away when it saw me, but it didn't. It just sat there like it owned the place.

When did groundhogs get so uppity?

Spring, She has Sprung

"A man without land is nothing" -- Duddy Kravitz's grandfather.

"I can't believe how long the stupid grass is already." -- Me.

Indulge me while I whine:

But there was snow on the ground only 3 weeks ago!!

Last night as I surveyed that vast expanse known as my back yard, I thought I'd have to be mowing the stupid lawn, not this weekend, but next weekend for sure. This morning, I was checking it out again as I hung out the laundry. Now I'm thinking it can't wait until next weekend. It's already scary long.

There must be some lawn care rule that says when you live this far North you don't have to mow your lawn until after the Kentucky Derby. (Which means I can hold off until Sunday, I suppose. )

Another summer of endless thrills.

Waste

I’ve been meaning to write something profound (heh) for the past couple of weeks about squandered talent. This is tied, in some way, to the fact that no matter how drunk you may be at any given time, Shane MacGowan is, at that exact moment, more drunk than you are.

Shane is the exception to the rule that nobody wants to hear a drunk guy sing.

When The Pogues did their St. Paddy’s Day tour this year, there was an article about Shane in the New York Times and it made me sad. Any time I read anything about Shane, it makes me sad.

Because he squandered his talent.

There’s nothing romantic about having his abilities and, after a roaring start and a few good years, doing nothing with them. The rest of us, those of us who don’t have anything near these god-given skills, we’d love to have such talent. But we don’t.

When Shane kicks the bucket (Likely any time now, right? Or he could live to be 90. Whatever.) they better discover that his house is filled with stacks of note books full of unpublished unrecorded masterpieces. I have to know that he hasn’t been doing nothing but drinking for the past 20 years. I want tons of posthumous material from him. I want Nobel Prize-worthy poetry from him.

Better yet, of course, would be some brilliant new material, released while he’s still alive. But that ain’t gonna happen. And that’s sad.

Romney is Weird

Republican candidate Mitt Romney said this week that his favourite novel is Battlefield Earth by L. Ron Hubbard.

Hmmm.

This man shouldn't ever be President, should he?

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

I survived my first two Dragon Boat practices of the season. And I'm not even that sore. Thank you, Motrin.

Monday night was kind of cold and windy on The Olde Canal, but last evening was really beautiful.

This paddling business is trickier than it looks. I spend all my energy worrying about my "technique" which at the moment is non-existent, so I don't have any time to think about my "power" which is so non-existent it's rather pathetic.

It's all about the back muscles and the abs. I so desperately need a Body Toner Platinum Edition.

Last night we had to do 5 sets of 5 minutes each; with the first 4 minutes at 75% of strength and the final minute at 85%. Ha, I said. After those 4 minutes at 75%, you think there's anything left for the final push? Hardly. Then we get a 2-minute break before the next set. Those 2 minutes go by very quickly.

I Got My Ticket

Going to see Bob again on the 4th of July. That'll be twice in 9 months!

That old man never tires, unlike yours truly.

Le Body Toner (Platinum Edition)

With the beach season soon to be upon us it's time to start toning up. So even if you don't understand a word of French, this week's Tete A Claques is worth watching. It's about 50% in English anyway. (Click on the link.)

C'est amazing! C'est beautiful!

Better Pictures

We are strapped in and away we go.

Today in Sunburn News

I have discovered that a metal leading ruler makes a fantastic back-scratcher.
Oh what a relief it is.

Life is a SitCom

While I was on vacation, one of my colleagues retired. We have the same first name. (Yes, she's also named Nanuk!)

They had a small going-away lunch for her and sent out a general e-mail message to the whole organization saying that anyone who wanted to could drop in and say good-bye.

A man on our floor who didn't realize there were two women with the same name in this department assumed I was leaving and he apparently showed up with a nice going-away present for...Nanuk.

When he arrived and asked where Nanuk was, he was steered over to this woman he had rarely spoken to and, cornered, realized he had to give her this gift. She was surprised and delighted. He was just surprised.

I wish I had been there.

Fly like an eagle...to the sea

I know that technically this picture doesn't prove anything, but you'll have to take my word for it I am on the left and my nephew is on the right.

How do you know when you’re on a plane full of Canadians?

When there’s an afternoon hockey game on, and half the little t.v.’s in the seat-backs are on the same channel. It was Rangers v. Sabres on the flight back yesterday, and whenever a goal was scored, there were both Yah’s and D’Oh’s scattered around the cabin.

The guy across the aisle let out a loud groan, and then clapped his hand over his mouth, like he just remembered he was on a plane and not in his living room. Funny.

The Rapid Return of Bob

Bob will be back in Montreal for another show in July. Am I going? Why not? Life is short. I like the idea of seeing him in a small hall, and Place des Arts has only 3,000 capacity.

If this was any other artist, I'd be thinking how many more chances will I get? (RIP Mr. Strummer.) But with Bob the answer to that question would probably be 20 or 30, as he appears indestructible and forever peripatetic.

Scratch, scratch

Why is it, when your sunburn starts to peel, that it itches the most in the places you can't reach?

My back is driving me crazy this morning. Right between the shoulder blades. I'm wiggling around on my chair. Anyone spying from the building across the street probably thinks I'm having way more fun than I actually am.

I have returned

Un gros merci (Oncle Tom) to Ms Mushrooms and her exceptional efforts at guest blogging. Of course she was helped along by current events. Any week that has an Alec Baldwin scandal in it is a good week for blogging.

11 hours ago I was walking along a beach, now I'm back at the computer, while waiting for laundry to dry. That's life.

Florida was great. The weather was utterly perfect. Mid-80s with no humidity. Sunny every day. In the Believe It or Not Department: I went parasailing! Photographic evidence will eventually prove this fact.

Nanuk, Back in the North.

And in nostalgia news...

What is more nostalgic than EXPO 67? Montreal is celebrating Expo's 40th anniversary (how old does that make me...). The globeandmail.com site has a great photo gallery (featuring people buying 30 cent hotdogs and 15 cent cups of coffee: talk about yer hog heaven) AND a link to Jason 67's Expo Lounge site (way to go, Jason).

Now I have the CANNN-A-DAAAAA song in my head

(mushrooms
hey Nanuk, are you back yet?)

Peg puts up her dukes

Margaret Atwood blasted the Harper art haters at the opening of Mtl's Blue Metropolis Lit fest saying the tories want to "squash the arts into the dust." You Mtler's can go and hear her interviewed by Jian Ghomeshi for CBC (another "arty" place, apparently) tonight at 8. Get your tickets. Me, I'd have to take a plane and get a sitter, not to mention the time change that would mess me up.

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/montreal/story/2007/04/24/qc-atwoodonartsfunding0424.html

And in Happier News: Spinal Tap Saves the world from Global Warming!

Spinal Tap will re-form to save the world from Global warming despite the fact that they are a little hazy on the concept. Says guitarist Nigel Tufnel from his miniature horse ranch, "I thought I should just take off my jacket if it was too warm."

Despite the confusion, Spinal Tap -- including singer David St Hubbins (lately running a colonic clinic) and drummer Derek Smalls (currently in rehab, battling an addiction to the internet) -- will appear in a new Rob Reiner mini-doc which will open NY's Tribeca Film Fest (note to Nanuk: hosted by Big Al Gore), and perform their latest rock anthem "Warmer than Hell".

Note to J FAN: like our friends Queen, Spinal Tap also has a "Fat Bottomed Girls" song: "Big Bottoms". Naughty lads.

Dad is sad, very, very sad. Dad had a bad day. Oh, what a bad day Dad had.

In other words, Alec "Bad Dad" Baldwin is back in the news. Rather, it's a CBC re-hash of his and other "Bad Dad's" woes. Check out poor ol' Alec at cbc.ca/arts/media/baddaddiscussion.html/

Everthing I know about Florida I learned from Carl Hiaasen

Well, except what I learned when I went there on Boxing Day when I was in grade 10 (I know it was grade 10 because my sisters and I had just gotten Queen's "Day at the Races" and "Night at the Opera" for Xmas. How could I forget that?). I learned that you can tell the Canadians in Florida because they are the ones swimming in the freezing post-Boxing Day waters (tho' it felt warm to us) when the locals are all wearing sweaters and woolen hats. The weather must have been crappy that week because the other thing I remember is that we went to see the first remake of "King Kong", the one that nearly wrecked Jessica Lang's career before it began (she played, if I am remembering this correctly, a character called "DWAN"...). We had to go to the movies because it was so miserably rainy and cold outside. Tho' we did manage to fit in a fair amount of Disney-Landing while we were there. Not that I remember that much. I can only think of all those swaying palm trees at the airport when we first touched down, and the smell of coconut suntan lotion everywhere.

Hope Nanuk is having fun in Florida. Hope she has need of her sunscreen.

(mushrooms)

Steve 'n' Yann

Seems Yann Martel has still not received an answer from the rt hon. Stephen Harper after he sent him a book and a letter. (see his whatisstephenharperreading website) Yann is vexed that the PM doesn't care for culture and when 50 artists visited the vistor's gallery of the house of commons to commemorate the Canada Council for the Art's 50th anniversary, Steve barley looked up from his desk. (Still huffing and puffing from quesiton period?) Since then, Yann has started his web site outlining his plan to send the PM a book every 2 weeks ("an improving book", as Ms Nanuk might say), written a piece for the Globe, and been interviewed everywhere about his get-the-PM-reading project. And yet still no word from our glorious leader.

You can drag a PM to culture but you can't make 'im read (or fund it).

(mushrooms)

The great Iggy Pop turns 60

All that living on dog food has kept him strong and clever too!

And in Alec Baldwin news...

No, no, I don't mean the parental melt down so cunningly caught on tape (note to self: yell at kids live rather than on voice mail). I mean the fact that in the DVD of the best of Larry Saunders (which of course I haven't seen yet)Larry gets to box w/the notorious Alec.

WWNW?

(What Would Nanuk Write?)

good question

maybe something about MPStorm and his fine wingtips?
I have no wingtips

just a pair of gardening shoes (tho it's too cold to garden in this northern mushroom city today) that I got in 1982- back then they were called "duck shoes" and were a fashion statement in their rubbery ugly duckness- we all wore them w/long straight skirts so we probably all walked like hobbled ducks too- I remember teaching one of my first eng comp classes and this red haired guy (you always remember the red-heads) looked down at my shoes and then back up at my face w/a bemused look and I thought (not for the first time) "fashion faux-pas"

meanwhile miss mushrooms is currently making pencil rubbings of the whole family's shoes for a science project-
no wingtips tho'
alas

Bonvoyageeee Nanuk!!

Have fun.
Hope you come back speaking like a pirate.
May Johnny Depp kidnap you.

(mushrooms)

Off to Florida

I'm off to Treasure Island in the morning. What a dumb name. I expect it to be full of peg-legged pirates. Arrrrrr.

If she manages to log-in, Ms. Mushrooms may do some Guest Blogging in my absence. Stay tuned...

Me and My Polyp

I'm back from my test. I am minus a polyp that was apparently a nothing burger, non-cancerous, non-threatening thing. Yay.

Having a colonoscopy is a completely painless procedure. This surprised me. I expected it to hurt, but I was sedated and happy and didn't feel a thing. This was really good news.

So I am going to Florida on Sunday for a week. Hey, I deserve this vacation after the week I had. Time to relax...with an improving book (as Bertie Wooster likes to say.)

And maybe a couple of cocktails, too.

Rafe on the Move

British actor Ralph Fiennes arrived in Nunavut this week to start his search for an Inuk woman to star in his first feature film. (CBC)

It's official.

Rafe will literally go to the ends of the earth to meet a woman.

In the Sick Bay

Blech! I spent all of yesterday in the hospital with an undiagosed abdominal problem (Spicy Curry Chip syndrome?). A first! I'd never been in the hospital before. More tests are to come either tomorrow or next week...which puts my Florida vacation in jeopardy.

I feel okay today, but my stomach is jumpy.

Health is more important than fun in the sun, though. So if the test is scheduled for next week, I guess I'll cancel my trip. I spoke to my sister and she is okay with this, of course.

I was in the hospital for 15 hours, saw 8 different doctors. I never expected such thorough treatment. I only saw this many docs because I was there through 3 shift changes, so I kept getting new consults every 7 hours. I felt like a Very Important Patient.

I had a CT Scan, which means I got to whirr through the big machine. It was exciting, just like being on House. Sadly, Hugh Laurie never showed up to abuse me.

It turned out to be not so bad because there weren't any moaners, groaners or crazies at all in Emergency during the entire time. It was very peaceful, though very crowded.

And all the doctors, technicians, nurses and aides were super nice. So, if you are ever in Montreal and you get sick or injured, go to Emerg. at the Montreal General. You will be treated very nicely.

Sick Day

I'm home sick today. Bleh.

I visited my aunt on the weekend, and she'd had a mild bout of gastro bug, and last night I got it. Stupid contagious thing.

I hope I didn't infect anyone at work yesterday. I guess I'll find that out tomorrow...