This is hilarious.
I came home from work tonight depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I need to marry a millionaire so I can leave my rotten place of employment forever and live happily ever after.
But where to meet a millionaire?
So, after seeing their many t.v. commercials, I went to eharmony.com to find my match. It’s true! I did. I filled out an incredibly long personality profile which, as instructed, I answered as honestly as I could.
At the end, here is what they told me.
Quote: One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.
We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.
Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched.. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time. Unquote.
I’ve been rejected by eharmony. I’m a hideous troll! Yikes! I am unmatchable.
But, seriously, I remember reading that this company is subtly religious, i.e. it likes to match up churchy people, without ever saying that this is what they are doing. Could this be true? There were 5 or 6 questions about religion and I answered "No" or "Not at all important" to all of them. I suspect this makes me untouchable in their eyes. Don’t they even want to save my soul? Don’t they want my money? My non-existent romantic life = death of capitalism?
If it isn’t the religion thing, then what else? The problem is, of course, that they don’t tell me why I’m unmatchable in their opinion. Where am I falling outside "normal" parameters? I didn’t even hint at "must be George Clooney" or "must be a millionaire". I was being realistic! I guess I shouldn't have answered honestly.
So now what do I do?
10 comments:
Alcohol is what you do.
Seriously, I must go and have a look at this website - will report back!
Oh, the anonymous is me....
You're beautiful! You're beautiful it's true...okay I'll stop singing now. try lava life? trolls aside I know quite a few people who've had some success with it...
join a cult?
The Cult of Clooney. I'm already a member.
what kind of a stupid service is this eharmony thing anyway?
What's "eharmony?" I remember being rejected as a subject by a hypnotist at CVR in grade eight. I mean, I volunteered and went up on stage with a lot of other kids, and got tossed back. Is this like that?
Stupid hypnotist.
Sorry to hear about your job test application thing.
So, being rejected by a hypnotist scars one for life. That's good to know.
eharmony, I have decided, is a matching service for the hopelessly uncool. Strictly for squares.
OK, clearly I'm not a hideous troll because I answered all the dumb questions, said no to religion and still I passed....
I now have a list of new matches to peruse.....
Oh my goodness....!
Some people have all the fun!
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