Oh James! no more

I can't help but feel that some terrible thing will happen to me if I don't take a moment to mention the death of Miss Moneypenny, Lois Maxwell.

RIP Moneypenny.

Chop, chop

The job cuts and restructuring have begun.

Yesterday I heard about one woman who is being transferred to another department to do a job she has no skills for or experience in. After 20-odd years working in recruitment, she now has to work on technical specs in environmental affairs. How logical! How sensible! She feels she is being set-up to fail. She's appealing her transfer.

Today I learned of another guy whose job has been eliminated. He's on a special work visa, which will allegedly run out a month after his job does. That means, if he's out on 31 December, he has to sell his house and move his family back to his home country before the end of January. He's depressed and shocked.

Only a fool would think she is untouchable and forever safe. So what am I doing on a Saturday night at 10:00 p.m.? Writing my curriculum vitae. I haven't written one of these since 1993. Jeez. How many ways can I say how great I am? Maybe I should do like Bart, and just walk around banging pots and pans and singing: I am so great! I am so great!

There are surprisingly two whole jobs in The Gazette today that I am qualified for. Normally I'm not qualified for or interested in anything I see in the paper. Is this an omen? I'm sending my c.v. to both, just to put out some feelers, just to learn what life is like in the real world. Scary!

Where do I begin?

CHARLESTON, W.VA. . David Harrah thought he had time for coffee before racing his pregnant wife and their eight children 25 kilometres to the hospital. Sherry Harrah gave birth shortly before dawn Tuesday to the couple's ninth child inside the family's new Ford Expedition alongside U.S. 119 in front of a Toys 'R' Us.

His wife said: “he had to make coffee and he wanted to wait until 6:30 to get the kids on the bus. I kept telling him, ‘We need to go.'”

Ms. Harrah and her husband, who is a stay-at-home dad, named their 5-pound, 10-ounce baby girl Carlee, “after the car.” (Globe & Mail)

9 kids? I could make a joke about them living in West Virginia but I won’t.

Carlee? Frankly, given how much Americans love their automobiles, I’m surprised the whole country is filled with kids named after cars. How come the US isn't full of kids named Chevy and Bronco and Dodge?

Embarrassing White Man Dept.

I would be remiss if I didn’t say something about Bill O’Reilly and his statement that he was surprised to eat at a black-owned restaurant in Harlem and not hear anyone say: “Mother****er, I want more iced tea.”

I want a T-shirt that says “Mother****er, I want more iced tea”.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a sentence that includes the words mother****er and iced tea. Now, mother****er and Ice-T, yes, but not iced tea.

I hope the good marketing folks at Nestle’s are working on a campaign right now.

A Bit of Burma Blogging

I have to briefly mention the situation in Burma because: a) Buddhist monks are cool and b) Burma is a country I really want to visit but never will as long as that military junta is in power.

It is a well-known fact that I am a complete physical coward so I have great admiration for the monks and their thousands of supporters who are marching in the streets when they know darn well they’re going to get shot at. Would I do that? Of course not. I have a coward’s reputation to uphold.

Yesterday at the UN, Bush said “Americans are outraged by the situation in Burma”. Which I thought was downright hilarious. Not to say that those Americans who can find Burma on a map* aren’t outraged, but I don’t think you can look at those half dozen people and say they stand for all of America. Most Americans aren’t even that outraged by their own government and they’ve been enduring it for 6 years now.

*Nitpicking point: I realize you can't actually find Burma on a map, since it's not called Burma anymore.

High School Confidential

Why are female high school teachers always getting arrested for having sex with teenage boys?

Has this always happened? Or is it, like peanut allergies, something that just didn't exist when we were in school?

Argh

Effing Harper.

On the news last night, there's Harper happily announcing that Canada has joined the anti-Kyoto Polluters Group, the alliance of major polluting countries that wish to do SFA about greenhouse gases, global warming, etc. etc.

Elections now! Let's toss this guy.

In other news, another Canadian soldier killed in Afghanistan, and CBC said that our new defence minister Peter Potato Head wants to extend the mission past February 2009. Extend the mission?

Let's toss these guys. Seriously.

Oh Mahmoud!

Mahmoud just said there are no homosexuals in Iran. Right.

Nobody in Iran ever gets to play Oops-I-dropped-the-soap?

I guess they don't have a team in Buenos Aires this week.

The Agony of Defeat

I'm reading the live-blogging at NY Times of Mahmoud's speech at Columbia. This stopped me dead:

"After a short delay, the event has just begun. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, took his seat in the Roone Arledge auditorium. "

Roone Arledge? The guy who produced Wide World of Sports? Great. Instead of thinking about Iran, America and the state of our world, I've got the image of that poor ski jumper stuck in my head.

The War

I watched the first episode of the Ken Burns documentary last night. It was interesting but it didn't grip me like The Civil War did (Vicksburg was the key!!!). I did however learn alot about the Bataan Death March and Guadalcanal.


In other WW2 news, how about those photos of Auschwitz guards and secretaries eating blueberries and sunning themselves at the beach. What were they supposed to do in their spare time? Twirl their moustaches and cackle evilly? Of course they did mundane, normal things. What are we supposed to make of this? That Nazis were evil? Gee, and all this time, I thought they had such a good reputation. The thing about these photos is that they show these people were just regular guys, just like us.

One person in a thousand would stand up against something like this. But I'm not a hero, and I wouldn't rebel. I'm a physical coward. I'd be afraid, so I'd go to the beach, eat my blueberries and go back to the office and file paperwork about how many Jews were gassed today. I ain't proud of it, but that's what I would do. I'm not brave, and there's no point in kidding myself otherwise.

Mahmoud Mania !

It’s sweeping New York City, bringing out every ignorant nutjob in the country.

I’d love to see a poll on how many Americans now think Iran had a role in 9/11. I’ll bet it’s a fair percentage.

I saw some of Mahmoud’s interview on 60 Minutes last night. It proved a) Scott Pelley is a pompous ass and b) Ahmadinejad is a politician, pure and simple. He never answered a single question straight.

Is Hugo addressing the UN General Assembly this year? I haven’t heard a word about him. If so, he’s going to have to go a long way to get more publicity than Mahmoud. Good luck to him.

I think Harper only gets to address a Plenary session or an environmental commission this time. Second-tier Steve, I think I’ll call him.

There's a head butt joke in here somewhere, I think

More than 500 footballers from 28 countries are getting ready to kick off at the gay World Cup in the Argentine capital, Buenos Aires. (BBC)

I'll paraphrase JAW Fan here, but isn't this just an excuse to cruise men in shorts?

Marcel Marceau Died

September

For most of my life I hated September because it meant a) back to school and b) it's getting dark early and c) winter's coming faster than you can imagine.

But nowadays with this new-fangled global warming, September has become my friend. It's a whole extra month of summer. I'm loving it.

Mahmoud!

He's been off my radar for a while, but Mahmoud and his beige golf jacket are back.

Will he be speaking at Columbia University on Monday? I hope so. Sure, it's a shit-disturbing move, but so what?

So many people are shrieking that he should not be allowed to speak. Don't they get it that what separates the US from Iran is that (traditionally) in the US people are allowed to speak, even if you don't agree with them.

I hate the attitude that trumpets that free speech is only for those who agree with me. How dumb.

Attention All Brady Fans

Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

Wholesome former Brady Bunch star MAUREEN MCCORMICK is set to reveal the beloved 70s TV series' most shocking secret in a new book - she and her on-screen sister had a lesbian fling. MCCormick's tell-all, Here's The Story, won't hit bookstores until 2008, but publishers are already buzzing about the big reveal. TV's Marcia Brady will come clean about a romance she had with co-star Eve Plumb, who played her sister Jan on the hit show. (contactmusic.com)

Adventures with W

Bush said yesterday that Nelson Mandela was dead.

To which, Mandela feebly cried "I'm not quite dead yet."

Bush then hit him with a shovel and threw him on a wagon full of corpses.

So Nice!

I have just returned from the Tropical Diseases Dept at the General where I got my vaccinations for my trip. I was seen by the World's Nicest Doctor. If the Gazette ever runs a contest to name the World's Nicest Doctor, I'm voting for this guy.

Among other things, he informed me that in the city of Hue, which I will be visiting, they make excellent beer.

I had my itinerary with me, so he took out an atlas and we traced the whole route. It was fun. I'll never have such fun at the General ever again. Sure beats the colonoscopy I had last time I was there.

Loonie hits parity !

For the first time since November, 1976, the Canadian dollar is worth the same as the greenback (Globe & Mail)

Ah!

So, how was it for you? Did the earth move? I don't feel any different.

St. Urbain's Horseman

I watched the first half of this two-parter last night. I didn’t like it. I watched it because some scenes were filmed on my friend’s street, but I didn’t recognize anything last night.

I read the book over 20 years ago, and a lot of it came back to me while watching, but the characters aren’t developed at all, and the casting is totally uninspired. The only scenes that feel in any way authentic are the few where the fathers, Mr. Hirsch and Mr. Kravitz, are sitting in the coffee shop gabbing about the state of their world.

I don’t know who the lead actor is but his charisma rates a zero. Very disappointing.

Staring at Clive (Elizabethan style)

I saw the trailer for the latest Elizabeth I movie. Who knew this was becoming a franchise? I sure didn’t. My point is that Sir Walter Raleigh is dashingly played by Clive Owen. Which brings me to this story….

A new study finds our eyes irresistibly lock on to good-looking people (i.e. that is to say, Clive Owen) (Okay, I added that part). Participants, all heterosexual men and women, fixated on highly attractive people within the first half-second of seeing them. Single folks ogled the opposite sex. But those in committed relationships more often eyed beautiful people of the same sex. (Live Science)

Again I ask the question, who pays for such obvious studies?

Apparently the people in committed relationships who are staring at beauties of the same sex are also reaching for a baseball bat because they want that beautiful stranger to stay away from their mate. We’re all a bunch of apes when you get down to it, I believe.

Parity

The news media here are just about wetting themselves in anticipation of the Canadian dollar achieving parity with the US dollar.

Last night Petey Mansbridge said that "experts" (they know who they are) were predicting last month there were would be parity by year-end, but now it looks like parity by the week-end.

But then what? It'll happen. Everyone will go Wow, and then what? Everyone will lie back and have a smoke?

I know that a 99-cent bag of Crab Spice Chips purchased in Plattsburgh, New York, will cost exactly 99 cents, but other than (as if that isn't enough, you ask) so what?

If the loonie is at par, or at 95 cents or $1.05 US, it doesn't really concern me that much. And is this really about the Canadian dollar being oh-so-hot, or just that the US dollar is in the international currency-trading toilet?

My big worry is that I'm bringing US dollars to Asia. What if they are a joke currency by next month? I'm picturing street vendors in Hanoi laughing at me.

Laugh of the Day

There's a guy writing to Dan Savage's column today about the fact that he has a swim-cap fetish.

Happily for him his girlfriend agrees to wear a bathing cap during sex. I gotta say that woman is one heck of a good sport. Good for you, sister.

This guy must go mental whenever the Olympics have synchronized swimming on. Or wow imagine how he feels watching old Esther Williams movies.

Frankly, ladies, does anyone ever feel attractive wearing a bathing cap? Are they not the most hideous things in the world?

World Report: Belgium in Crisis!

Apparently there is some big constitutional crisis going on in Belgium. Who cares, right?

Given the Belgian reputation, I don’t think there will be bloody fighting in the streets, but maybe both sides will look down their noses at each other mercilessly and snub each other ruthlessly.

This is a good time to mock Belgians, but I know two of them, and darn it, I like them both. So I’m at a loss.

And how can I complain about a country that gave us both Jacques Brel and mayo on fries? I'm surprised I'm not living there.

More Old Celeb News

This is a bad week for JAW Fan's old faves.

Zsa Zsa Gabor was set to have surgery for "severe infection in her legs," her publicist said. (Macleans)

Lost in Translation

Being fluent in two languages may help to keep the brain sharper for longer, a study suggests.
Researchers from York University in Canada carried out tests on 104 people between the ages of 30 and 88. They found that those who were fluent in two languages rather than just one were sharper mentally. (BBC)

I would like to introduce myself as Exhibit A in proving that the above study is a complete crock. I have the worst memory and dullest brain of anyone I know. In two languages!

Overheard on the Bus

An older gruff-looking man asks a young woman if this bus goes to the Bell Centre. She says yes, and his inquisition begins:

He: You’re not from here.
She: I’m from France.
He: They don’t play hockey in France.
She: No.
He: I love hockey. I'm going to the Bell Centre. Hockey in Montreal is like soccer in France.
She: Yes, I know.
He: There’s a game on tonight. Do you have cable? Of course you have cable.
She: Yes.
He: The game is on RDS.
She: Ok.
He: Are you from Paris?
She: Yes.
He: In Montreal, the area code is 514*. What’s the area code in Paris?
She: Well, from here, to France, is 033.
He: Wow. That’s really different. Do you have any brothers and sisters?
She: Yes. They live in France
He: Then why do you live here?
(I didn’t catch her answer.)

*I swear I’m not making this up.

Victory in Outremont

An NDP win in Quebec!

Comrades! Unite! We are on the threshold of a glorious workers' revolution.

On a negative note, the Conservatives won a seat in the most sovereignist part of the province? How dat happen?

Celebrity Death News

Brett Somers BLANKED Saturday at the age of 83.

Excitement!

My political nerd side is all excited today because we are having a few provincial by-elections. There is a good chance that the NDP will win its first seat in Quebec in about a thousand years.

The grand socialists' workers revolt will then be launched, right?

Let's Start the Work Week with a Tangy Chip Review

JAW Fan reporting:

Well, after ten days of agonizing anticipation, I finally managed to score myself a bag of the notorious Crab Spice Chips. Upon opening the giant-sized package, I quickly inhaled to get an initial sense of the flavour. These aren't fishy smelling, I thought to myself, as I dug in and scooped up my first chip. I was imagining a summer seaside experience, fully expecting the chips to taste like the fingers of a Maritime Fisherman. Sadly, that was not the case. They were nothing like those M&S Shrimp chips we used to eat as children. So, what do these supposed seafood snacks taste like? Well, they are interestingly tangy and have a barbecue-light taste to them. "Where's the Crab?" might replace "Where's the Beef?" as a new TV ad slogan, where these potatoes are concerned. However, do not misunderstand, they were decidedly delicious and un-nutritious (everything you wanted in a chip), but they lacked a certain individuality. They didn't leap up and scream "look at me" as do curry chips and dill pickle chips. Nonetheless, every mouthful was thoroughly enjoyed. In short, a great-tasting chip with a poorly-conceived name. In other words, those fearing a pungent seafood flavour need not abstain. On the wang-o-meter, they rate a respectable 7 inches.

Editor's note: M&S shrimp chips were from Marks & Spencer.

3 Little Pigs

This is the biggest local hit at the movies this year. I saw it today and liked it. It's about three married brothers who are cheating on their wives in three different ways, or as we call it in Quebec: life.

It raised the issue of area code snobbery. I don't know if other cities have this, but in Montreal people who have the 514 area code and live on the island like to look down on people in the suburbs who have the 450 area code. Does this happen in other urban areas?

I thought of it because one character gets put down in the movie when a woman calls him something like a "Romeo from the 450". Ouch.

And yes, by the way, I DO live in the 514 area code.

Emmys

I don't watch the Emmys, but I just happened to flip over when they were announcing the nominations for writers of a variety or talk show or whatever the cateogry is called.

It was won by the writers of the Conan O'Brien show. Damn their eyes.

Better luck next year. I thought the bit in the men's public washroom was pretty funny.

By the way, I've never seen Ryan Seacrest before. What a wiener.

3:10 to Yuma

Saw it. Liked most of it. Hated the ending. Thought it was all wrong.

The one who dies should've lived; the one who lives should've died.

Russell Crowe plays a bad, bad man who is as seductive and charming as he is bad, bad. An easy part for him, I'd say, as he has always struck me as equal parts seductive, charming and bad.

Christian Bale is amazing. He's the only actor I know who is more powerful when he says nothing than when he speaks a line. He just looks at people and I get all goosebumpy. This being said, the highlight of the movie for me is the scene where he tells his wife that a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. It IS a Western after all. He delivers this fairly long speech all in a whisper and I was transfixed. He does so much with so little. Terrific stuff.

In Other News (Friday P.M. Lite Edition)

I saw a bit of 30 Rock last night, and I have to confess I'm starting to understand the Baldwin Appeal.

I may never be drawn into the full poetry-spouting Alec orbit, but yeah, I can see where it comes from.

Dragon Boat News

I forgot to mention that the weekend I went to Toronto, my team was at a competition where they won the “D” final, i.e. the battle of the losers. It was their (I mean our) first ever win at anything.

So last Monday at practice, we got medals. Our first medals. Yes, even those of us who didn’t compete got medals.

A gold medal for going my sister’s place. What an effort!

Distressing News for JAW Fan

LOS ANGELES — Carol Channing's signature dress — a shimmery number she wore in the stage production of “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” — was stolen at a Hollywood hotel.

The 86-year-old actress and her husband were checking into the Hollywood Renaissance Hotel on Thursday when a man swiped one of her bags from a bell cart in the lobby. The dress was on its way to the Smithsonian museum for an exhibit, along with her 1964 Tony award for “Hello Dolly.”

“I'm not crying about it. I didn't know it was such a historic specimen,” she said. (Globe & Mail)

Of course she’s not crying. Nothing on earth can wipe that stupid smile off the woman’s face. Even in her grave she’ll be wearing that hideous Jack Nicholson Joker grin.

On the Bus

This evening on the way home, there was a 30-something guy on the bus talking to his seatmate about the new man in his life. He said they had an immediate emotional bond unlike anything he had ever experienced before.

"We complete each other's sentences" he said. "Like the other night, " he added in a very serious tone, "he quoted an episode of the Brady Bunch and I finished the quote. That has never happened before."

I had to put on my ipod (loud) to stop listening because I knew I was going to laugh.

Amusing Work Story

There’s a guy who works on the 25th floor who is afraid of elevators. He cannot ride in an elevator alone.

His boss’s boss has assigned a secretary to always accompany this fellow when he has to get into the elevator. If this wasn’t stupid enough as is, the guy is a smoker so several times a day he has to go down to the street to have a smoke, and the secretary has to accompany him. I’d have to call that Reasonable Accommodation.

Company time well spent, I say.

Guess what? She’s totally fed up and doesn’t want to do it anymore. She says people are starting to gossip because they are always together.

And we wonder why this place is going straight to hell.

Breaking Great News!

I am delighted to report that our very own Ms Mushrooms of the City of Mushrooms will be having a book published next year!

Her poetry manuscript has been accepted for publication!

CONGRATULATIONS my dear. You certainly deserve it. I know how much blood, sweat, tears, etc., you put into your oeuvre.

Remember us little people when you are a Big Poetry Star! We'll all say we knew you when...

P.S. on Pat

Just to prove his cred, I went to the site for Buchanan’s magazine The American Conservative. They have a review of the new Joe Strummer biography! That was truly unexpected. Unfortunately, it’s not free to read. Damn capitalist Buchanan.

It's Pat !

Run for the border all you Mexicans down there.

I'm wildly excited by the rumour that Pat Buchanan may be running for the Senate in Virginia.

Yes, yes, I know he's a racist, right-wing nut job, but he's my No. 1 fave racist, right-wing nut job. (Sorry Lou Dobbs, you're just going to have to try harder.)

And he has a comb-over! And he calls us Soviet Canuckistan.

I don't even watch all of McLaughlin Group if Pat isn't on. He's so entertaining. If he wins, that means he'll have to leave the McLaughlin Group which will be a shame because that won't leave anybody on the panel for John McLaughlin to discuss Jesuits with.

Run, Pat, Run.

In Travel News

I received my visa for Vietnam today. There it is, in big letters, Socialist Republic of Viet Nam.

I’m glad this is a new passport with no other visas in it. Seeing as how I’ll have to show it to enter the USA over the next 4 or 5 years, I wouldn’t want it to also show my Cuban stamp or my Chinese visa. The folks at Homeland Security might take me for some leftist Commie-hugger.

In Russian News

It’s stay-home-and-boink day in Central Russia.

The governor of Ulyanovsk region in Russia is offering prizes to couples who have babies in exactly nine months - on Russia's national day on 12 June. Sergei Morozov wants couples to take the day off work to have sex. If a baby is born on national day, they will receive cars, TVs or other prizes. (BBC)

When I first read this story elsewhere yesterday, they mentioned refrigerators as one of the prizes. Today no fridges. What’s up with that? What if you already have a good car and a t.v. but you need a new fridge? Does that mean you go to work today?

I can sort of relate to these babies that will be born for monetary reasons because when I was a baby, the first year of Family Allowance cheques my parents received on my behalf went to pay for a new furnace. I always felt that furnace was technically mine. Not that I knew this as a child. And, just to clarify, they didn’t have me JUST for the furnace money. At least I think not…

In other Russian news, Putin has named some utter unknown as the new Prime Minister. After months of speculating whether he would name Ivanov or Medvedev, he names someone else. Wily bastard. You know he’s working on being Prez for Life.

Madame Bovary: Yes, I'm still reading this

Still slogging through this thing. I can’t remember which page I’m on.

Charles attempted this new operation to cure a poor hapless soul of his clubfoot. Charles and Emma figured if he mastered this surgery, fame and fortune would follow. Big surprise. It didn’t work. Gangrene followed, and another surgeon had to be called in to amputate the guy’s leg. Charles paid for the guy’s new wooden leg, but now he spends his time ducking down alleys when he hears the thud-thud of the wooden leg because he’s so ashamed of his flubbed surgery. Emma is embarrassed and thinks Charles is a useless piece of crap. On the bright side, the patient is really quite pleased with his wooden leg. Who knew?

Meanwhile, Emma and Rodolphe carried on their torrid affair. Problem is, these being the days before television, there’s not much for Emma to do between her sneaky visits to Rodolphe’s place, so she just spends her time being neurotic (and loathing Charles). Rodolphe starts to get bored by Emma, as he does with all his chickies.

In my humble opinion, Charles needs a mistress, but since the book is called Madame Bovary and not Monsieur Bovary, I doubt this is going to happen.

Emma-on-the-verge-of-a-nervous-breakdown forces Rodolphe to make plans for them to move away together. He says: what about your kid? She says: oh whatever, we’ll take her with us. Whatever. Plans are made, plans are made. All this time she’s buying trunks and travelling clothes, while denying she’s going anywhere. Nobody in the town is fooled. Charles is oblivious.

The night before their scheduled departure, she rushes home to pack. Rodolphe thinks: She was a good mistress, but you gotta be kidding. He’s not running away to anywhere. He’s got a house and a business to run. Tough cookies, Emma.

OBL's recruitment tactics

Bin Laden urges supporters to join "caravan" of martyrs in anniversary video. (Macleans)

Far be it from me to criticize, but I'm guessing Osama would have a lot more recruits if instead of a "caravan" he urged people to join a "conga line" of martyrs.
Just a suggestion.

I hate it when this happens

Why does Harper occasionally have to say things I agree with?

Either we abolish the Senate, or we have an elected Senate. I agree with Steve. Ow, it hurts to say that.

The only way I can continue to support an appointed Senate is if somebody appoints me to be a Senator. (Please contact this site with any offers. thank you.)

Incidentally, watching Steve at the Aussie war memorial yesterday, it occurred to me that when he is done with politics, he can have a job in t.v. commercials. He can be in the Moore's ads, playing the guy in the ill-fitting suit.

Another video?

OBL releases a second video in less than a week!

He's become the Takeshi Miike of terrorist threats.

In War News

Today’s the day General Petraeus delivers his (that means Bush’s) report to Congress. I know this is supposed to be a big deal, but honestly, between you and me, until he has some inside scoop on the state of hot gay men’s public washroom cruising at Baghdad International Airport, I just ain’t that interested.

Last Night's Dream

This dream is set in a massive cathedral where the Pope is about to say a Mass with a large entourage. The worshipers are divided by sex, with the women on the right side of the church (facing the altar) and the men on the left side. Everyone is wearing plain white robes that look like First Communion robes.

And where am I in this? Not sitting with the rest of the women. I am not sitting at all. I am lying on my back on a long bench at the front of the altar, but off to the side. It is not a prominent position. I have no idea why I am lying there. It’s a wooden bench with a very thick cushion on top of it.

Suddenly the women all stand up and look towards the men. This is because they know what the men are about to do and they want to counteract it. The women all hold our their hands in the classic prayer pose, palms together and pointing their fingers towards the men. The women know this is called their Prayer for Peace. They are anticipating that the men are about to do something really funny and they want to block it.

Then the men all stand up and look towards the women. They all hold out their hands but instead of holding their palms together, they spread their hands so that only the tips of their index fingers and thumbs are touching, forming a triangle in the middle. They call this the Prayer for Pizza. All the men quietly chant OM while holding this pose. Everyone is trying not to laugh.

Meanwhile the Pope (not Benny 16, just a generic Pope) enters with his large following. The church is quiet.

At this point I realize I have to get up and sit properly. As I try to do so, I realize the cushion on the bench is so thick I can’t sit down without hopping a bit to reach it. But I’m afraid to try because if I push the bench it will make a very loud noise and I don’t want to be noticed. So I am pushing up against the bench to no avail.

One of the men comes to my rescue. He holds the bench and then very forcefully pushes it under my knees but it’s much too strong and so instead of sitting down, I am suddenly doing a very, very slow backwards somersault in a perfect piked position. I’m slowly watching my feet flying over my head and I’m thinking "Oh no. This is really not what I wanted."

Fin.

(I woke up laughing so hard, I couldn’t stop. )

New Video

The bestest thing about a new "Osama" video is that CNN turns into PBN. Peter Bergen was on every single show last night. With great hair, I might add. Although the combination of a pinstripe jacket with a striped shirt was not great. But I've seen worse, much worse, on him.

Looking at the new images of "Osama" I'm with the people who say this isn't even him. It just doesn't look like the same person. I guess the new ultrablack beard is supposed to distract us from the fact that the face looks very different. Is the CIA staffed by morons? This is definitely not the same guy.

I think the guy in the video is that Australian prankster who tried to get into the APEC summit. Apparently he is availabe for both live performances and video work.

Something to think about over the weekend

What could these babies possibly taste like?

OBL

In other Osama news, I saw a headline that said "Bin Laden to release new video".

Video? Doesn't he podcast yet? What is he, living in a cave or something?

In Canadian/Australian News

Hope everybody caught that prank at the APEC summit yesterday. Some Aussie radio (t.v.?) guys drove a fake official Canadian limo (Hey, it had a flag! it must be legit) right into the APEC site and no security stopped them. Best part: one of the guys was dressed like Bin Laden. It was in fact one of the silliest-looking Bin Laden outfits I've ever seen. But there they were, right up to the hotel where Bush et al were staying.

A lot of very angry and embarrassed Aussie cops on the news last night. They kept saying "This isn't funny." Well, actually, they are right.

Fantastic security down there, mates!

In Home News

I had my broken bedroom window repaired today.

It took 90 minutes, a succession of "hosties", a "putain" and one really loud "tabarnak" before Monsieur Ouellet got the thing done.

Swear as much as you want, pal, just make sure there's no draught coming in. Cold nights are just around the corner.

In Opera News

Given this site's unofficial status as an opera blog, I guess I have to comment on the death of Luciano Pavarotti.

I liked him. I thought he had a nice voice and was entertaining. But sometimes he looked a mess, and I just wanted to get him scrubbed up clean and have a decent haircut.

Philosophical Point of the Day

I fell into a conversation this morning between two women who were discussing if they could go back and be 18 again, what would they do differently in their lives. Both said they would get more education.

I said nothing. There’s nothing I would fix. I’ve been thinking about it ever since. Is mid-40s the age where people start to have regrets?

I like to think that I would change nothing because I know my own abilities and limitations, and I think I’ve done okay with what I’ve got, but on the other hand, maybe seeing nothing that needs fixing means I’m some kind of self-satisfied jerk….hmmm.

In Movie News

3:10 to Yuma

Russell Crowe
Christian Bale
in a real Western.

It's like they mined my fantasies and made a movie. Can't wait.


On the downside, the more I read about Shoot Em Up, the less I like the idea. Clive or not Clive, I'm not interested in a John Woo parody. Woo is over-the-top to begin with, why try to outdo him?

Home Ownership Fun

I have thus far spared faithful readers of this blog the tales of my plumbing woes, i.e. the stupid clogged bathtub drain from hell.

I’ve always had problems with it, and usually I’ve been able to fix it with the help of ProFlo, the pink stuff that, if it were to touch my skin, I suspect would burn a hole right down to the bone. But ProFlo (or is it FloPro?) has let me down this time. I bought a plumbing snake, and that made things worse.

I refuse to pay over a hundred bucks to the plumber until I am completely defeated by the clog from hell.

So I bought a One Second Plumber. “As seen on T.V.” And believe it or not it works.

Yesterday was the first time in 10 days I didn’t have to do any bailing. It drained slowly, but it drained. This gadget blows gasses down the drain. Don’t ask me about the science. But it has an interesting little perfume-y smell. It’s probably causing me brain damage, but who cares.

I love the smell of One Second Plumber in the morning; it smells like victory.

A New Link

I've add a link to Indexed. I don't have a math brain at all, but I love this site.

I wish I had math brain.

Telethon Update

Oh, Jerry. See what I miss when I forget to watch the telethon?

Quote During the 18th hour of the telethon to benefit the Muscular Dystrophy Association, the 81-year-old actor, riffing in front of the camera very late in the broadcast, introduced an unseen family member with a description that sounded like either "the illiterate fatty" or "the illiterate faggot." (ABC News)

Wow. I can’t believe Jerry’s 81. Everything else in that quote, I can believe.

Quote This isn't the first time Lewis has said something controversial on-air. Asked about those who consider him "patronizing" in a 2001 CBS News interview, Lewis responded, "You don't want to be pitied for being a cripple in a wheelchair? Stay in your house."

You just know that when the cameras are off, Jerry refers to his “kids” as “cripples”. You just know it.

A Very Weird Dream

I dreamt I was on a school bus with Chris Kelly. It didn’t look like him, but it was him. We were in Hollywood, and Helen Hayes was also on the bus with us.

Helen Hayes said to Chris “You write for television.” Then she said to me “You’re not famous”.

Then a sort-of MC got up and introduced the First Lady of American Theatre to the rest of the people on the bus and announced that Miss Hayes had a taken a role in the new movie written by Chris Kelly. She bowed and said how proud she was to be in it.

Then the dream turned into a clip of the movie, which also starred Chris. And it was a Porky’s-type movie about a summer camp and Chris played the camp counsellor. His acting was so over the top, I was thinking “He’s thinks he’s Kirk Douglas in Spartacus”.

Fin.

Nary a Thought for Jerry

Here it is the end of the Labour Day Weekend, and it didn't even cross my mind to see if any local station was carrying the Jerry Lewis Telethon. I am slipping big time.

It sure was a spectacular weekend here. Weather was so perfect, so beautiful it was almost enough to make me forget this spells the End Of Summer. O doom. It's supposed to be a warm week ahead, though, so let's try to stretch it out a wee bit longer.

A number of people were killed in camping explosions this weekend. I blame terrorists. Propane terrorists.