A first!

On this first day of Spring (HA HA HA!) I got on the bus, which was crowded and quite slow due to the massive snowbanks everywhere. I got a seat at the back of the bus.

There was a guy, middle-aged, white, balding, eating a banana. Eating a banana like he is in his own kitchen and not on public transit. Then he took out a breakfast bar and ate that. Then he took out a second breakfast bar and ate that.

At this point, the bus was quite crowded, with guys standing, so my view of Mr. Breakfast was partially blocked. Thank god for that because suddenly I hear a buzzing noise, a quiet but distinct buzz. Yes, he had pulled out his electric razor and was shaving on the bus. A young girl sitting next to him looked over and then bured her face in her book (Black Boy by Richard Wright, I noted).  Two Asian women sitting up from him turned around and looked. He was oblivious. A mother and daughter sitting across looked appalled but then started laughing to each other.

I noticed he wore a wedding band. Imagine being married to this guy. Being married to the guy who shaves on the city bus. There's only one valid reason for shaving in public: you are homeless. This guy clearly was not homeless, just a clueless boor.

New Pope

EVERYBODY TANGO!!

R U Ready to Conclaaaaaaaaave?

I crave the 'clave.

Let's get this party started!

Pope Me, Baby!

The Papal Conclave starts on March 12. This leads to one burning question: What are the appropriate snacks to serve at a Conclave Party?

Unrelated to anything Papal: At lunch time I saw a man literally walk into a tree. On University. He was walking with his head turned to the street watching traffic for some unknown reason and then BONK into a narrow tree. He stopped, rubbed his nose, adjusted his glasses and kept walking. It was almost like this wasn't the first time this had happened to him...  A man walking alone ahead of me turned around, smiling, to see if I had seen it too, but I was too surprised to smile. My brain was still processing the fact that The Benny Hill Show is real, not fiction.

Naughty, naughty

Smoothie and his girlfriend (of 8 months) have planned their first weekend getaway, to the Nation's Capital, in 2 weeks. Both Smoothie and gf still live at home (both are 27). When she told her father they were going away for a weekend, her father asked if they would have separate beds and then he said "there better not be any hanky-panky". 

Perhaps he is not aware that there has been excessive hanky pankying going on for the past 8 months.

Hanky panky. It's the word of the day. I had not heard that expression in years, and I suspect Smoothie had never heard it at all before yesterday.

My baby does the hanky panky. Now that song is in my head.

In other news: Our New Boss arrives today. Will he be a non-entity? or will reports of his antics make him a regular item of interest on the blog. If so, he will need a nickname. Stay tuned...

Happy Birthday to Me

Everyone should have the day off because it is MY birthday. But even I am at work. Sob!

When I turned 49, I declared that I was on a "Fit for 50" plan. Well, given the outstanding success of that initiative over the past 3 years, I now declare that starting today I am on a "Fit for 53" campaign. Wish me luck.

B-Day Wishes, Day 2

Happy Birthday to Mrs. Anon.  If I am not mistaken, you are a mere 45 today. Ha! Youth!

I hope all your boys are treating you well on this grand day.

B-Day Wishes, Day 1

This is a double birthday week on the blog. First up...

Happy Birthday to Ms Mushrooms. Are you recovering from the Indian food feast you were set to enjoy last night? I hope Mr Mushrooms and the young Mushrooms are being good to you today.

Enjoy it all. We are not getting any younger!

Astral Ball of Confusion

I thought today was the day the Earth would be attacked by a giant asteroid. But it turned out that today is the day when the Earth was attacked by a giant meteor. 

I am confused. From the Guardian's website:

 ...the Russian deputy prime minister said neither Moscow nor Washington had the power to shoot such objects down as they approached. "At the moment, neither we nor the Americans have such technologies" to shoot down meteors or asteroids, he said, according to the Interfax news agency.

Isn't this what we have Superheroes for? Where are Superman, Batman, Iron Man, The Hulk?  Whoever? You guys have totally disappointed me.

V Day

Happy Valentine's Day to one and all.

Work has been so busy. No time to blog, barely any time to email. Moi? No time to blog or email? How is this possible?

Vacating the Vatican

So the Pope threw in the Papal Towel today.  I betcha didn't know there even was a Papal Towel. (I made it up.)  He said, in Latin, I'm outta here. I'm going to Disney World, etc.

Let this be a lesson to every old worker everywhere who is hanging on to his/her job, thinking that they can't possibly retire because "what will the place do without me? I am the glue that holds this place together".  Retire. Leave. Now. Vamoose with ya.

If the Pope can call it quits, so can you. The world will not end.  Let the Papal Succession stakes begin!  If ever there was an event that called for a NaPoMo poem this is it. Sadly, we are forced to do without. Amen.

It's that time of year again...again!

Happy Birthday to Mr. Anon.  52 years young today.

I don't know what else to add. I hate getting older! wah!

What Can I Say?

Jim Nabors got married. To another man.

My first instinct was to write "Golly" or "Surprise, surprise, surprise" but since that appears to have been the first instinct of everyone else on the Internet, I won't.

I was not actually sure if Jim Nabors was still alive or not, so maybe I can say surprise, surprise, surprise about that.  Congratulations to the happy couple.

My Kingdom for a Snorkel

Today I got on the bus on University and LaGauchetiere at 4:50, as usual. The bus went up University to Rene-Levesque where more people got on, as usual. We continued up University, as usual. When we got to St. Catherine we were suddenly in the middle of AN IRWIN ALLEN PRODUCTION.

Water. Everywhere. The bus stuck on ice in the middle of University. Spinning tires. Bus fishtailing. Not advancing. Freezing water all around the bus. We made it to the corner of deMaisonneuve but couldn't make the turn because there was too much ice. All the passengers went to the back of the bus to make some weight at the back. After about 20 attempts we got around the corner. We all clapped, foolishly thinking our ordeal was over....

...but it wasn't.  We got stuck again at deMais and Metcalfe. Spinning tires, flood waters all around.  I was afraid I would have to swim like Shelly. Firemen had to guide the bus in reverse back to McGill College so we could turn. It was surreal.

I got home in just over 2 hours. I wondered if Mr. Anon was trapped in his office.

Please release me, let me go (Part XXXII)

Guess who got offered an extension yesterday? 

Mark Carney? No.
Prince Harry? No.
Knuckles Girlyskirt? YES.

He's never going to get to enjoy that 14-month package, is he? Mr. KG gets to savour his 3 weeks of Mexican chips and then return to the land of peanut butter and cheese until the end of March.  Fortunately for us, that leaves him available in April to contribute to NaPoMo on a daily basis. Poetry Rules!

The 2013 birthday parade begins

Happy 52nd B-day to Mr. Mushrooms. Who ignores his birthday. Though I hear his better half is going to bake him a cake, so there is some acknowledgement of the grand day.

How did we get to be 52? When did this happen?

(Aside: It's friggin' cold everywhere today. I'm trying not to dwell on it. )

The Return of the Romantic Male Box

It being a New Year, I have returned to the scene of nefarious activities, i.e. Internet dating.

Last week, I came in contact with a guy who is a bit wacky but seems fun. Chatting on the phone before meeting in person, he said he noted that I had nice teeth which meant I am not a smoker. I confirmed that I am indeed not a smoker, and thought okaaay.  We met on Saturday and one of the first things he asked was "Are your teeth real?"  I paused, laughed and said "Yes, are yours?" He said yes, which is obvious because one has a big chip in it.  Other than this teeth fetish, he seems "normal".  In fact, on first meeting, before the teeth thing, he said to me "Hey, you are normal!" That is the world of the Internet for ya, the pleasant surprise that the person you are meeting is in fact normal and not a raving loon.

Now if I can figure out what the teeth thing is about... If he hangs around I will need a nickname for him, based on his real name, which in Clash fan "code" indicates he "can't fail".

Obit News

Dear Abby died.

All together now "I can't believe she was still alive"  or "Didn't she die 30 years ago?"  Take your pick.

Yesterday, Conrad Bain died and I resisted writing: Whatchu talkin' 'bout? (OK, now I just gave in.)

Say What?

The Internet is abuzz about Jodie Foster's Golden Globes speech.  I say What?  I couldn't follow what she was babbling about. She was incoherent. Maybe DeNiro helped her write her speech, as it reminded me of a number of weird speeches he has made over the years.

More likely, she is just hanging around with Crazy Eyes Gibson too much.  And, ok I know it is not their fault, but her kids are really, really creepy looking.

In other GG news, I was happy to see Argo win. I thoroughly enjoyed that movie.

And a final note. Here is my advice to any producer of an awards show. Use Robert Downey Jr. for EVERYTHING. Make him host, make him give out every award, make him do it all. Nobody will be bored.

In TOTALLY unrelated news. This item caught my eye yesterday. From the CBC:

A 55-year-old man is dead after his snowmobile passed under a moose. The man suffered critical head injuries after his snowmobile passed under the large animal while it ran across the path.
The snowmobile was barely damaged in the incident. The moose ran off and investigators have not been able to locate it.

Under a moose?

How's it going, Down Under?

There was a lot on the news last night about the wildfires in Australia, and the extreme heat.

Susie, if you are reading, can you let us know how things are in Melbourne? Hope you are ok.

Ice storm

As we are "celebrating" the 15th anniversary of the ice storm this month, I have been trying to remember some of the things that happened.

1. Chalet BBQ: the source of hot meals!
2. Knuckles' emergency buckets of water.
3. The Bedards!

I'm sure other things will come to me.

Happy New Year!

I think there is something seriously wrong with a person whose first thought, on waking on new year's morning, is "when are my municipal taxes due? February 1 or March 1?" And I'm not talking about Knuckles here, although I'm certain he too could awaken to such a thought.

Answer is: March 1. Phew!

Celeb Death Query

Is it just me, or does it seem like Whitney Houston has been dead for way more than a year? I keep seeing her picture in the "those we have lost" stories, and I think, really? Was that only in the past year? Feels like she's been dead for a lot longer than that.  We can't get away from her.

Too much Whitney, not enough Davy Jones!
Too much Whitney, not enough Sherman Hemsley!
Not enough Adam Yauch!
Not enough Phyllis Diller!

Snow Part Deux

For the benefit of our member(s) in the Southern hemisphere. Here are a couple of pics of my street.

Snow

I don't have much to say about the Knuckles Day Storm of the Century. I was on the train coming home from the Holy City. Normally that is a 5-hour train ride, but it was 8 hours this time. Not fun The worst part was the final 90 minutes when we sat at Wellington, within sight of CN Station, stuck because a switching signal wasn't working. It was like seeing the promised land, but thinking we would never get there.

But my wee troubles were nothing compared to FF's ordeal in getting home from work. I shall quote his email:
I went to work. The day ended early, at 3 PM instead of 5 PM. The train never showed up, I ended up taking a different train (after 1 hour of waiting in the freezing cold wind and getting mild frost burn) that let me off at Parc, where I took the metro to Vendome and found that the buses all broke down in random positions on the road. I had to walk 3 KM through big mountains of snow. By the time I got home, I had frost burn on my hands and legs, and was wet up to my knees. I told them I didn't want to repeat that on Friday, they gave me the day off - unpaid.

Merry Christmas to All

Merry Christmas, Happy Festivus, etc, etc.

Despite it being Festivus I will not air any grievances, nor perform feats of strength today. I must rest up for Christmas eating starting tomorrow night.

Happy news today. My niece and her bf stopped in and announced that they got engaged last night. They are very happy. The wedding is at least two years away, so I don't have to worry about finding clothes that fit just yet... bring on the Christmas eats.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

And a P.S. Speaking of my niece, she shares a birthday with Mr. Knuckles. And since Mr. K's birthday often seems to get ignored in the hub-bub aftermath of Christmas, I take this early opportunity to wish Happy B-Day to him.  My niece turns 27, and Knuckles turns...slightly older than 27.

Hmmm....now I want pancakes

I'm certain you are as relieved as I am to learn that the gang of thieves who stole $30 million worth of maple syrup have been arrested.  We can all sleep well tonight. After we have pancakes.

Only 2/3 of the stolen syrup has been recovered, which means there's $10 million in contraband still hidden out there.  I hope we don't become a syrupy Mexico.  Instead of Santo defending us, we will have Bonhomme.

The most interesting part of this story to me was the fact that Quebec holds strategic reserves of maple syrup. Stategic reserves.  That's not black gold, it's golden gold. mmm.

C'est l'hiver

Yesterday, Environment Canada informed us all that "most of Canada" would not have a white Christmas this year.

Look at the window, dude. 

grrr.

Double-breasted shearling coat

I don't usually comment on the latest viral sensations, but that IKEA monkey is so cute in his little coat.  I like that people have called him "a smart monkey"  and "a dapper monkey". 

I'm glad the authorities appear to have placed him in a sanctuary and didn't give him back to the dumbass humans who decided they wanted a monkey as a pet.  A monkey is not a pet, I don't care how dapper he is in his little shearling coat.

Word of the day is "dapper".

A Bullet in the Head

Walking up to the mall this aft, I met my neighbour, Georgette, who is in her 70s and has an opinion, an authoritative opinion, on everything.

She was complaining that the new govt has increased the taxes on wine. I agreed.

Then she said: "That Madame Marois. She's going to get a bullet."
"Really?" I said.
"Oh yes. The mafia....when they shoot...they don't miss."
"You think so?"
"Oh yes, Mark my words."

Then I thought, who are you? Joe Pesci? but I didn't say anything else.

Mark my words.

Tracking

Am I the only person who becomes obsessed with tracking a package when I order something on-line?

I bought some stuff last week that is being shipped from British Columbia. The store sent me a link to track my stuff.  On the 4th, I saw that it was scanned and departed Richmond, BC. On the 5th and yesterday, I checked in the morning and in the evening, and nothing. Of course, I realize if it is coming from BC it needs a day or so to get GET HERE, but I still wanted the tracker to show me some progress.  Something like "flying over the (freezing) Praries", but no. Nothing.

But this morning, I see that my package arrived in Lachine and has been scanned, so it should be delivered today or Monday.  Yay. It's not even an Christmas present, but there is something so exciting about knowing my purchase is now close by.

I need more of a life.

This is what happens when I have no news from Fancy Feast for over a week.

Bond?

Ok, you James Bond experts, a question for you.

I saw Skyfall last week and thought that it was a lot of fun. Unbelievable, ridiculous, over the top, yes. But it was a great way to spend 2 hours plus.

But someone mentioned something that has been bugging me for 2 days now. If all agents use aliases, then why does the gravestone of Bond's parents say "Bond"? Is this explained anywhere in a previous movie or in a book? Is Bond the only MI6 agent who uses his real name? It seems especially clumsy since M makes a point of saying of what Javier Bardem's real name is, and what his agent name was. (No, she does not say his real name is Javier Bardem.) But then it appears that Bond is Bond's real name.

Maybe Bond's real first name is Raoul, and only James is an alias? I dunno.

Spoiler alert:  RAFE! I'm so glad he is the new M. Although he is not aging well. He'll be 50 this month and he looks it. This is the problem with being overly beautiful in one's youth. There's nowhere to go but down.  As all of us know. ha ha.

This Week in Old and Bitter

Last night I went out for fish and chips at this British style place on Cote des Neiges. It was delicious. I also had a half pint of beer, and finished off the meal with an ice cream cone with a chocolate flake. Well all that fat was not good for my aging stomach. As someone who never suffers from reflux, may I say that reflux is AWFUL. I was awake at 3, hating life.

So I stayed home today. Taking my final "sick day" of the year. They won't miss me and my (non)work.

What did I do yesterday at the office? Glad you asked. I spent a good part of the morning on the website of our pension fund. They have a benefits calculator. And I plugged in every year from 2013 to 2023. 2023 should be my official retirement date. Of course, retiring in 2023 is a joke, because I assume by then our HQ will be located in Beijing, and I won't be going there. We've started constructing a "sub office" but who is kidding who? They are moving to China in the next decade. I'm betting on it.

Anyway, so I now have a nice list of what I would be earning if I took retirement or QUIT at any point in the next 10 years. What does this serve? Nothing. But it was fun to plug in the numbers.

Today in RIP Dead Career News

They announced the name of the new head of our department, and to nobody's surprise, it isn't me. Ho hum.
On the positive side, neither is it my incompetent colleague.
It is some guy from Europe. It will take him 3 months to move here, so we will continue to have no boss until the middle of February. We have been without an official boss since June.
With no boss, one would think I would be doing a lot more blogging.  I've been doing nothing for so long, I can't remember what it is like to put in a full day's work.
My biggest fear was that Ms. Incompetent would get promoted and become Ms. Incompetent Drill Sargeant Boss, but that didn't happen, so it is a big relief.
I'll just continue to (non)toil away here in my (non)career.

Celebrity Death News

Larry Hagman died. Now the I Dream of Jeannie theme music is stuck in my head.

I hope that having shared this, the I Dream of Jeannie theme is now stuck in your head, too. All day.

Ta-ta, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.

2 more months! 2 more months!

Take a moment and imagine, if you will, a tasty, unopened bag of Doritos. Cool Ranch, if that is your preference (as it is mine) or Nacho Cheese or whatever your favourite flavour may be.

Now imagine that unopened bag of tasty morsels is at your fingertips, just ready for you to rip it open and indulge.  But...your fingers are broken. Both your hands are in plaster casts.  All you can do is stare longingly at the unopened Doritos bag. You wish you had sufficient telepathic power to open the bag using your mind alone. But alas you cannot.

Now. For the bag of Doritos, substitute a 14-month full-pay severance package. And for your plaster cast hands, substitute JAW Fan trying to wrap up his job.

As Al Pacino might put it, every time he gets close, they pull him back in.

Instead of 30 November, it now appears that JAW's last day at the office will 31 January 2013.

Those Doritos were so close he could almost taste them. But they shall remain achingly on the shelf for two more months.

Last day of work: 31 January. Plane to Mexico: 1 February. That's barely enough time to pack his Speedo.

I'm only 9 years late, old man

In 2009, sis, bro-in-law and I went on vacation to Maine.  We took a winding drive back home and went through New Hampshire.  When we were kids we vacationed in New Hampshire and I remember looking up at the mountains to see the Old Man of the Mountain, a rock formation that looked like the profile of an old man. It was a well known symbol of New Hampshire.

So, in 2009, we are driving in NH and I am looking for the Old Man of the Mountain. We drive and drive and I say to my sister, that's really weird, I thought we couldn't miss it.

Cut to this morning, in 2012, and while reading a totally unrelated story, I learn that the Old Man of the Mountain collapsed back in 2003. Nine years ago. Why did I never hear about this? No wonder I couldn't find it. Somebody should've told me!

Local News

Applebaum has been sworn in as Montreal's interim mayor, making history as the city's first elected Jewish mayor and the first anglophone mayor to lead the city in a century. (CBC)

In other news:  Parizeau's Head Explodes.

The Morning After the Night Before

The Grand Bouffe went off without a hitch. This is the first time ever that FF has come through and not let me down. Amazing.

Most of the dishes were courtesy of the girlfriend and they were all successful, so at the end of the evening, I said to FF: "So what do I need you for?"  He said "I know".

Twice during the day, I got panicked calls from him, asking if I could go to IGA and pick up this and that because they were running late and forgot stuff. This stressed me out, but I did it. Then at 5:20 he calls and says "uh, I have to cancel".  Long pause on my end.  "Just kidding!" he says. "We're almost ready to go". He is the type of person who should NEVER make a "I have to cancel" joke because it's too likely to be true.

Anyway, my guests seemed to be impressed. We were stuffed to the gills. One person brought home two doggy bags, and I have tons of leftovers.  I didn't get the bill for the food yet. That's going to hurt because I know that, in true FF form, he overspent like crazy. But I was expecting that.

Now I can relax.  And eat leftovers. Until I am unwell.

Toodles to the Twinkies

A big business story today is that Hostess is filing for bankruptcy, going out of business and putting over 18,000 people out of work.  This is in the US, apparently, it will not affect the Canadian biz.

Despite my acknowledged love of fatty foods that are bad for me, I have to say I have never been a fan of this type of snack. I'm not a cake person. I'm sure someone will correct me if I am wrong, but I don't think Hostess existed here when we were kids.  Seems to me that when I saw t.v. commercials for Hostess Twinkies they were some exotic foreign American delicacy that was unavailable at home. We had Vachon, and that was enough.  I didn't eat tons of Half Moons or Jos. Louis as a kid, though I admit I had an flaky apple turnover in my lunch pail on a regular basis.

On the other hand, if Frito Lay announced that it was going out of business, this blog would be wreathed in black, and I would be on long-term distress leave from work. Despair.

A Modest Update

In an email sent at 9:50 p.m Tuesday, FF assured me that he and the GF will be at my place at 4:00 p.m. on Saturday to commence preparation of the meal.  And that everything is under control.  He also apologized if his lack of communication had caused me any "stress".

(He added that he now understands that the expression "explosive diarrhea" is literally true.  Should that really have been in the same email?)

I Was Wrong

The Petraeus scandal is a FANTASTIC scandal. It grows more sordid every day. Just what I like in a scandal.

I hope it keeps adding new Generals and other Real Housewives of Tampa on a daily basis.

If he was head of the CIA and he didn't know that your private email account can still be checked, well, he was one lousy head of espionage.  Didn't they at least make him take a computer literacy test?

I have images of Mrs. Petraeus whacking her cheatin' husband with a frying pan. You [whack] scoundrel [whack]!  Go back to Kabul, you cad.

Feast Update

On Thursday evening, I emailed FF with some questions about the dinner. Things like: will you do the prep at your house and bring it over, or are you doing all the prep at my place? How many pots and pans will you need? Do you want money in advance to pay for the food?  You know, practical questions.

On Friday, he emails me "I'll get back to you over the weekend."  I sent two texts and last night another email, saying "call me on your break at work".  I'm still waiting.

None of this is a surprise. One of my guests dropped by yesterday while I was raking endless leaves, and I told her to be ready for a meal cooked by Yours Truly. She said she's ready for a pot luck.

So I'm planning my own menu. At least the dining room has been cleared out and the good dishes are ready to be used for the first time in years and years.

I hope he's in jail. Nothing else will be a good enough excuse. (But am I surprised? No. Not at all.)

I'm Clueless

Somebody explain to me why Petraeus has resigned.

OK, he had an affair. So what? That's his business and his wife's business (and his girlfriend and her husband's businesses, I guess). But how does that affect the CIA?

It was an affair a) with a woman who was b) of the age of majority and c) consenting and d) apparently not a spy.  I don't get why he had to resign and why Prez O accepted his resignation. In Europe, this would get a yawn.

The Americans really need to develop better sex scandals.

Update: it's now clear why Petraeus was running those 10 k's in the Afghan hills every day. He had to stay in shape for multiple extramarital boinking. Happy Veteran's Day, General.

Fancy Feast's Fancy Feast

Let me preface this post by saying "Why, yes, actually, I am crazy."

I have planned an evening of fine dining at my home, with the cooking to be done by Fancy Feast (and his gf, more on this later).  Next weekend, three of the girls from work are coming over to be dined. (They will be wined also, but have offered to bring their own. Nice.)

Is it possible to calculate the number of ways in which this evening can go terribly, terribly wrong? No, it is not possible. So let the chips fall where they may. (Not those kind of chips.)

My primary worry right now is that state of the romance between FF and PS (Poor Sara). Things are rocky. They are supposed to be moving to a bigger place, so they are apartment hunting. But things are tense on the homefront, so FF decided that once the apartment is rented, he needs to move into it ALONE for a month or so because he needs some "space".  He told her she and her 2 kids can stay in the current place, and move a month later. So, how could that possibly be a problem, right? After all, they've been living together for a good two months now. Insanity.

I asked: How are these problems going to affect my dinner? Is she going to show up or what? He insists that yes, she'll participate. The dinner will not be affected by their internal affairs.

Second problem: As of this week, FF is working two jobs and is away from home (i.e. away from the girlfriend) from 6:30 in the morning til 11:00 at night. It must be bliss for her.  So what kind of shape is he going to be in next Saturday, two weeks into this two-job schedule?  Will he fall alseep in his butternut squash?

Fortunately, the girls from work are aware that they are guinea pigs in this catering biz and have said "Hey, if we end up having to order pizza, so be it."  So be it.

Stay tuned...

Montreal is So Exciting (not at all like Edmonton)

Our ding-dong of a mayor has announced his resignation tonight. One mention of his name during the corruption commission and he hit the road.

And worse yet, the most likely successor for the job is Applebaum, the mayor of my "arrondissement". Yes, we call our 'hoods "arrondissements" so we can pretend we are JUST LIKE PARIS. So fucking pathetic we are.

I'm so SICK of living in this corrupt city in this corrupt province. I need to move to a nice, clean-living place.  Maybe Sicily.

P.S. Yes, I do recognize that in his own way, Mayor Blimp of Toronto, is worse.

U.S. Election Eve

The Big Day in the US of A is tomorrow.  Honestly, when Obama was elected, I expected him to spend four years dodging bullets like Chow Yun Fat.  I am shocked, shocked, that he has made it through his first term without getting shot at.  Kudos to the Secret Service, I guess.

This puts Prez O. miles ahead of your average Montreal crime boss.
This morning in Blainville:  "Honey, there's a body in the driveway of the house across the street."  "Is it that old Italian guy?"

Oh No! Expos Death News

Our man Pascual has been killed.

"Police in the Dominican Republic say former major league pitcher Pascual Perez has been killed during an apparent home invasion robbery." (CBC)

How awful.

Happy Halloween!

I just had a kid come to the door, dressed in a normal costume. I guess he was a Detective. But his father, who was waiting on the sidewalk, was dressed like a cow.  Head to toe. Cow.

The kid is old enough to be embarrassed. What can you do when your dad is a bigger Halloween party animal than you are? The kid said "thank you" and the dad gave me a big friendly wave. I hope he was drunk.

The Red Scare is Back

I no longer watch CNN, but since the hurricane I have tuned in for a couple of evenings.  I am fascinated by a commercial that runs on CNN, paid for by a private citizen.  The fellow is a Hungarian immigrant who moved to the US and clearly got rich. So rich in fact that he can sponsor his own political t.v. commercial, starring himself.

The commercial is about the Evils of Socialism. It is truly bizarre. Socialism makes people lazy. Socialism means people have no dreams of bettering themselves.  Socialism causes people to abandon all hope and ambition.  WTF?

I did not realize that the US was teetering on the precipice of becoming the USSA.  So how do we stop the US from becoming the next People's Republic? Vote Republican.  Hey, if a crazy old rich guy says it, it must be true.

Nuthin' happenin'

There is so much "weather" affecting the eastern part of North America, and yet, ain't nuthin' happenin' 'round these parts.  It's very weird. Maybe we will get torrential downpours tomorrow. Maybe, maybe not.

Tomorrow is Hallowe'en. If it rains hard, then there will not be many trick-or-treaters on my street. This means I'll have to eat most of the Floridian mini chocolate bars in my stash all by myself. I will regret that.

While in Florida, I had my first taste of alligator. It was Lousiana gator. Breaded. Tasted like popcorn chicken!

Goin' South

I am off to sunny, warm Florida in the early morning for a brief mental health break. The whole family is going this time. So it should be interesting. The oldies and the young 'uns.

I shall leave this as the "open thread"  as the pro's say in the blogging world, so you may discuss bacon to your heart's content in my absence.

Back next weekend, hopefully suntanned and definitely bloated with American snacks. Wise Chips, here I come.

Samosa Hangover

I have discovered samosa heaven in Montreal. A colleague brought in samosas from Pushap, near Namur, for a luncheon this week. 

Let me say, shamelessly, OINK! OINK!  Your humble blogger ate not one, not two, but FOUR samosas. I couldn't stop. They were so good.  I'd rather eat FOUR samosas than have dessert any time.

Problem is, guess who has been (near literally) running to the bathroom three times morning? Hint: It's ME!  Dang that curse of the Indian food.  Samosas, I can't quit ya. I today am paying a major price for my piglet behaviour.  But they were sooo good.

DEE-TROIT!

What a great sweep of the Yankees. Bravo! 

Will A-Rod (BOO) be gone from NY forever? There was a great comment made during Game 3. A Rod (BOO) was on the bench and not looking at all like he would even pinch hit. And one commentator said "Is there something wrong with him?" And the other replied "Nothing wrong from the neck down."  Ooh, snap!

Prince Fielder's beard is the very definition of "fugly".

I hate when commentators refer to home runs as  "dingers".  Stop doing that.

And, over in the National League, best name in baseball:  Buster Posey.

Fall Classic

I am once again addicted to baseball.  The wildcard play-offs were amazing, and last night Game One of the American League Final was on-the-edge-of-my-seat exciting. I can't believe I was up past 1 watching that endless game.

I don't want to see the Yankees win again. I hate their wealth. Individually I like most of their players (except A-Rod BOO!) but I am rooting for Detroit all the way!  Too bad about Jeter's broken ankle. He is a classy guy and I like him (unlike A-Rod BOO!) but Go Tigers.

In the National League, I am pulling for the Cardinals. They do miracles. Game One is tonight.

Oops

Canadian workers are even less productive than originally thought – 0.1 per cent per year less productive, to be exact. That’s the conclusion of Statistics Canada after a series of recent revisions to more than 30 years of key economic data ... (The G&M)

– 0.1 per cent per year.  I take full responsibility for this. My bad.  Apparently, one person's supreme laziness can skew national statistics.  Sorry, StatsCan.

A Small Holiday Miracle

Happy Thanksgiving to all. The African Mask is gone from my humble home. Yes!

Yesterday, Fancy Feast dropped in for a chat. He is now semi-officially living in NDG with the new girlfriend. So he is a 10-minute walk from my place. O joy.

He resisted taking the mask. "Does it really bother you that much?" he asked. I said, why yes, yes, it does bother me that much. "Why," he asked. "It's been here for a year."  Yes, that's part of the problem.  I want it out. So he reluctantly took it, saying "I don't know what 'new girlfriend' is going to say about it. So far all I have is a suitcase with some clothes and some toiletries".  Well, I said, now you'll have the mask too.  And off he went, bearing the mask.  Adieu African mask!

(Aside, I need a nickname for the new girlfriend. Right now I just think of her as "Poor Sarah". I'll have to come up with something else. Run, girl! It's not too late.)

But enough about bacon...

I am back. Was away for three days in beautiful sunny Kingston (Ontario, not Jamaica) so I have indeed been delinquent about blogging.

We all know this is NOT a bacon blog, it is an "Update on JAW Fan's blogs" blog. So here is the update. His blogs are gone, finito, vamoose. Sayonara to his blogs. His computer was infected by spyware and basically done gone all f*cked up. So both blogs have been deleted. For all eternity!!

I missed Margaret Dumont Wednesday and now it is gone forever. Woe is me.

In The News

There's only one really big development in the world today: Farmers are forecasting a worldwide shortage of bacon in 2013. 

Why go on? Why live? I ask you.

And me, with my new bar pan that cooks bacon to crispy, even perfection. What'll I do?

The beat I cannot get out of my head

I am very late to the party with this post, but I finally watched the Gangnam Style video on the weekend, and, this is EVERYTHING I love about crazy Asian pop culture.  (There were only 440 million views ahead of me, it's up to 460 million views today.)

The guy in the yellow suit makes it for me, but I love all of it. And leave it to CBC News last night to educate me that this song has a political message.  Sure beats folk music all to hell.

I must go rock out to the beat once again.

Unrelated: Re Mr. Girlyskirt's fave Scopitones. How can The Silencer not be in his Top 2?  I love The Race is On, but she is no Joi Lansing.  Also, the girls in the Sea Cruise video are so wholesome and cute. Why can't dancers in videos today be wholesome and cute, instead of looking like trashy ho's? Bring back wholesome and cute!!, sez this uptight, old bag.

Broooce

Happy Bruce Springsteen's Birthday to everyone. If this is not an international holiday by now, it most certainly should be. In a perfect world, we would all get Monday off, since Bruce Day falls on a Sunday this year.

Go drive on the highway in his honour.

Double your pleasure, double your fun

The blogger formerly known as J A W Fan now has two blogs on the run.
(It rhymes!)

knucklesgirlyskirt.blogspot.ca

The Man from H'don

I regret I have no Fancy Feast news to share. I have not heard from him since his trip to Montreal and the rent-a-car-to-pick-up-Coq-au-bec argument.

But today I did get an email that said W---- Y----- has invited you to join Twitter.  So I guess I am still buried somewhere on the contacts list of the man from H'don.  If only that had worked out....HA!

News You Need

It appears the only purpose of this blog is to provide updates of J A W Fan's blog.  It's back up. Will it remain up or will some other misfortune befall it?  Stay tuned.

hildencraft.blogspot.ca

Is Nothing Sacred?

So everybody in the Middle East seems to be on a rampage today. Mobs are protesting in front of any old Western embassy.  But, but, now it is reported that a mob in Lebanon set fire to a KFC.  Have these people no sense of decency?  The Colonel would weep.  Salty, fatty tears.

In other news:  Why can't the Royal Family keep their clothes on? Are they wearing itchy English wool?  Stop getting naked, you are royalty.

The Commenter formerly known as J** Fan

Ok. Where do we begin to unravel the strangeness about recent events involving our friend the newly renamed MajorDomo Hot Pants Homo (HPH, for short(s)).

Did you know that J**fan is the name of a city in Y***n, which is a country where the US Embassy was attacked yesterday, in response to that doltish amateur-hour Anti-I****ic movie. Is it possible that J**fan's blog was detected by some system that is programmed to find and delete all references to possible Al Q**** activity or sympathising or even sympathetic geography? Can you find J**fan, Y***n, on a map?

Far fetched, yes.  Unlikely, perhaps.  Impossible, in our modern world? I'd say No.

Anyway, if you are trying to locate MajorDomo HPH, he's under the bed with a bottle of wine until further notice.

Celebrity Death News: Blog Edition

After a very short existence, JAW Fan's Blog was ruthlessly gunned down by "the Internet".  Damn you, Internet.  You give us freedoms and then you take them away.

I am awaiting the news that Mac Davis's lawyers will be contacting the Hot Pants Homo for copyright infringement negotiations.  Correction: for nude copyright infringement negotiations.

RIP Jaw Fan Blog.  It was fun while it very briefly lasted.

Complete Control

My sister's neighbour died, and I am hearing amazing stories about what a control freak this woman was.

She had cancer since last winter, so she knew she was going to die. So she wrote her own obituary, and she planned out her funeral service, picked the music, etc.  Not so unusual. These people had a place in Florida, so she told her husband he is to go to Florida, as per usual, over the winter. But this next part is what killed me. She told her husband he is to get a dog after she dies. Then she told him what breed of dog to buy and what to name the dog.  WTF?

My sis says that man is going to be lost without his wife. No wonder. He'd been married to a drill sergeant for 50 years.

Vote Vote Bang Bang

My former colleague who was from Nicaragua always used to joke that Canadian elections are boring because nobody ever gets killed.  Well, we can check that off our To Do List now.

I shall begin stockpiling beans and evaporated milk for the upcoming civil war.

X marks the spot

My duty is done. But help me out here. My failing memory has failed me once again. Is this the first time the candidates' photos appear on the ballot? I can't remember seeing pics to go with the names before.

Cue: Mr Anonymous who will say "only for the past three elections".  And I'll believe him.

Yes, it is moi

At the upper end of my street there is an elderly couple who spend pretty well the whole summer sitting on their front porch. They are always there (during daylight hours) and most of the time their across-the-street neighbour, who is an eccentric junk dealer, is sitting with them. He talks non-stop. Everyone knows him because he rides his bike all over the neighbourhood looking for recyclable cans and other stuff in everyone's trash.

Yesterday I was walking up to the mall, and the three of them were sitting outside. There was nobody else around.  As I walked past, I heard the woman say "That's the woman I was talking about." And the neighbour paused, looked over at me, and said "Oh yes".

So here's the question. What are they saying about me? In what context was I the topic of conversation?

It's Election Eve

...and all through the province, federalists are cringing.

I remember the provincial election of 30 November 1998. I had just bought my house, and my landlord at the time said "why would buy a house when the separatists are getting back in? Your house will be worth nothing."  Well, they did get back in that night. That night my father had the major, major stroke that eventually killed him. Our family's gallows humour has always said that is was the re-election of the PQ that did him in. One of the last things my father did was vote. Against the PQ.

Thirteen years later, I am still in my crumbling house. Anyway, the separatists came and went and now we are coming to the end of the nine-year rule of Ti-Jean Federalist. It's been quiet for 9 years. We're all going to have to get back into "PQ Mode". Sigh. It will be interesting to watch how Harper deals with PQ provocation. It should be ugly. I'm already tired.

My friend the Persian, now a Canadian citizen,  will be voting in his first provincial election. He asked me if there was a way to vote against someone. I said, no, you can only check one name for the person you want. But he said he wanted a ballot that would say, I'm okay with this guy, or this guy, or this guy, but definitely NOT that guy. And the guy with the most negative ballots would be guaranteed to be not elected. Apparently, this is how class elections worked in his high school. I thought, hmm, negative voting. This would be a great way to make sure the biggest pain in the ass does not get in. I like it.

Creaky old bag

I got on a crowded 105 bus last night and some young guy offered me his seat.  I said no, thank you. Then he stood up and insisted and I repeated no, it's no problem.  He looked quite upset that I refused his kind offer.

I am old.

I want to go live in a cave and be depressed. I wish I drank.

Weekend Round-Up

In anticipation of receiving his 14-month package and all the free time that will entail, JAW Fan has launched his own blog. See the link on the right.  I'm feeling a disco inferno comin' on.

I have returned from the Holy City where Sis and I saw Broooce...again.  We've been seeing Broooce for 34 years now. Each time we see him, we think okay, he's old, we're old, this will be our last show. Then we go to the show and have a fantastic time and say, okay, next time we see him will be the last time.

It ran 3 1/2 hours and was really, really great. It was a perfect, warm night for an outdoor show. The roof was open on the stadium and we could look up at the CN Tower while we waited in our seats.How can I complain about a show that starts with an accordion playing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".   It ended at 11:45 p.m. with a long, crazy Twist & Shout, and in between we heard so many of my faves, Darlington County, I love that song, and Rosalita and lots more. Sis said they would need a long hook to yank Bruce off the stage. It was like he didn't want to leave. Worth every penny, once again.

Huzzah

Our browsers at work have been upgraded. This means I can blog at work again. Oh joy.  My job may become bearable again.

The only news that matters today, however, is that photos have appeared on the Internet of Prince Harry cavorting nude.  Cavorting.  I'm looking up that word. Has anyone ever cavorted while clothed? I think not.  Except for clothed in a bikini, perhaps.  I believe the bikini clad amongst us also cavort (on a beach only), but primarily cavorting can be done in the nude only.

Oxford says to cavort is to "prance around excitedly or self-indulgently".  Prance? Not run or jump? Prance.  Nude prancing around = cavorting.  And in Harry's case, royally.

WAAAH!!

Phyllis Diller died. She was very old. The title of this post is supposed to sound like her.

We must be getting old, too, because everybody we used to watch on tv when we were kids is dead.

My condolences to Fang.

The Long Awaited Return of Fancy Feast

My phone range at 8:30 a.m. today. I was still in bed, but I could hear Fancy Feast's voice leaving a message. He was in town. I had been told he was coming, but hadn't heard from him in over a week so I didn't know if his trip was still on. It was.

Where to begin...he has a new girlfriend and she lives about 15 minutes from me on foot. Now how convenient is that? She is recently divorced and has two small kids, so she doesn't want him staying overnight at her place until he gets to know her children. He has not met them yet. So this weekend he stayed in a rented room in NDG. Any wagers on whether I am going to be asked if, in future, he can stay here because he can't afford to rent a room every couple of weeks? I'd say that the chances of that request coming my way soon are 100%.

So I returned his call and what is the first thing he asks. Can I rent a car from the car share co. in order for us to go to Verdun to pick up his favourite rotisserie chicken. They do not deliver to NDG. I kid you not. I said, no way am I renting a car so you can get chicken for lunch. He carried on as if I had said yes. I said, I'm not doing it. Forget it. He still went on about the fries and sauce. I had to get rude and say YOU AREN'T LISTENING!! I AM NOT RENTING A CAR TO GET CHICKEN! He sighed and said "fine".

He came over around 12 and we ordered Chalet. It was good enough for me. I felt totally stuffed.

Anyway, I won't go into every anecdote I heard in 3 hours, but the one that will stay in my mind is when I asked how his sister was doing. She got married last November (which was another drama I won't go into). He told me she is getting a divorce. I was quite shocked. He ran through the long list of everything that was terrible and awful about his soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law, but the one image that will stay with me forever is he has untreated toe fungus.

I really have to end it here because I can't top that.

We're No. 3! We're No. 3!

Okay, we have one silver, but really we are the Barons of Bronze.

One other thing: Apparently there is a big serious scandal in badminton.  I just want to type the words "badminton scandal".

Olympic Thought

I realized today why swimming is the most exciting Olympic sport to watch.  It's exactly like horse racing. Two to four minutes of go-go-go and then it's over and it's usually incredibly close at the finish.
For some reason, watching track doesn't have the same thrill, except for the 100 m.

Olympics

Rather than say something original, I'm going to steal a comment from a commenter at the Guardian:

"it would have been perfect if the Queen had been stroking a white cat". LOL. Love that.

The Corgis stole the show for me.

To a Deluxe Apartment in the Sky

Okay, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, here goes.  Didn't Sherman Hemsley die years ago?I swear he was already dead. What he doing dying again? I don't get it.

I think Weezie died a while ago? I think. I don't know.

Weekly post

Isn't it terrible that I seem to be reduced to a weekly post? If they would update our browsers at work, I could use blogger again, but we are still in the Web stone age, so I have to blog from home only and that is a drag.

If only Fancy Feast was back in my life, I would have so many more amusing anecdotes to post. Nooooo! His African mask is enough to remind me of how bad things could get.

Re: last week's post. Yes! I totally admit it is stalkerish, but hey, I don't care. They are weird and I am happy to sneak photos of them in their natural weirdo CPN habitat. No photo this weekend because Hallelujah! Hallelujah! they seem to be vamoosed on vacation. Peace at last on Belmore. Their daughter is home alone and she is normal (must be adopted).

In other news, having lunch with Smoothie today, he made one of his Smoothie comments that had me laughing and going Wha? at the same time. In a nutshell, he cannot figure out why South Asian males are appealing to me, but black males not so much. (Yes, we were also discussing if having a preference is racist. We both think it is not.)  We can blame the South Asian preference on Kumar (wherever he is*). Smoothie's observation went like this. "Take a black guy. And put my hair on him (at this point he grabs the top of his head as if to remove a hairpiece). And you've got an Indian."  Me: "So, you're saying that an Indian is just a black guy with a white guy's hair."  S: "Yes, they've got soft hair like us." Me: "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."  This conversation should be in a Tarantino movie.

*Still Toronto, as far as I can determine

Update: 8:00 p.m.  Dammit! They are already home. I cannot catch a freakin'  break.

This Week in Crazy Poles

It remains a classic. Outdoor Ironing Board!

Celebrity News

Alec B., 54, married his 28-year-old yoga instructor.  All together now "There's no fool like an old fool".

In happier news, Katie H. left the couch jumper. That is one hostage-taking I am happy to see finally resolved. Time to get their kid into therapy and de-programming.

24-Hour Party Pole

It's St-Jean Baptiste weekend. That means it is time for the annual CPN party. This is not a St-Jean party, just the one day of the year when the miserable CPNs invite other Poles to their house. Here is the man himself, with his table of booze.  Is it me, or did he used to have a LOT more bottles on the table, say 12 or 13 years ago? (i.e. the night of lying in the street aka the night of using chicken coupons)

Father's Day

It's Father's Day, so happy day to the Dad Men out there.

It is also Fancy Feast's birthday. The Big 3-0. So to celebrate this occasion here is a picture of the famous African mask. So easy to pop this in a mail box.

Alright Already

Ok, you bunch of demanding complainers. Here is a blog post.

JAW Fan has found the ideal retirement community for me. Who needs NDG when I can live at this corner. It's life sustaining!

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

After a very long dry spell, here is an email exchange between your humble blogger and Fancy Feast.

Background: you may or may not remember that just before he departed on his cross-country trip almost a year ago to the day, FF purchased a 4-foot tall wooden African mask at a garage sale. Because of its size, of course, he could not take it on the road, so it stayed here. He also left behind a large bag of his personal papers. I weighed the bag: 15 pounds.

So today I receive this:
FF: Say, would it be too much to ask that you mail me my wooden mask?
Me: Yes, it would be too much to ask. The thing is almost as tall as I am.
You'll need to pick it up or have somebody pick it up for you. There's also a big bag of your personal papers to go with it. (Notice how I now have zero tolerance for his bull)
FF: I'm pretty sure you can get a postal service to pick it up as is. You don't even need to put it in a box.
(Notice how he completely ignored what I said and answered as if I had said yes and had not even mentioned the big bag o'papers)

I did not respond. It would only escalate and then he would tell me I'm a bad friend for not sending him two African masks.

Another celeb death: our youth is disappearing

I may start to think of 2012 as the year all of JAW Fan's favourite celebrities died.
Now it's Richard Dawson. Survey says: Rest in peace.

14 Months!

Today at Kraft, a head rolled.  It was JAW Fan's head. Yep. After surviving 10+ years of cuts, they finally called his number. His final day on the job will be in early September.

He took tomorrow and Monday off, so there will be no comments from him here until Tuesday.

He gets 14 months paid. 14 months! I can't stop thinking about 14 months at FULL PAY. It's disturbing to me how much I am envying him. He doesn't have to work in his particular hell hole anymore. That's something to envy, for me.

He sounded fine on the phone. A bit manic, but he'd been into the wine since he got home. Now he can plan the next phase of his life. I find that part exciting. I think his mother is more upset about it than he is. Moms, what can you do, eh?

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Day to all the Moms out there.

Totally unrelated to Mother's Day, Mr. D. says, sorry, this unit is currently occupied. No vacancy.

Weekend round-up

Did everyone watch the Kentucky Derby? It was a really exciting race. That winning jockey is a motor mouth. He wouldn't stop talking. Still. Good for him. A beautiful ride.

In gardening news...let me present before and after pics. Including the lawn inspector at work. 

Sad Day

My man MCA's got a beard like a billy goat.

Such a shame. Adam Yauch died. He was only 47. Ack! No more Beastie Boys.

The End of April

NaPoMo, we hardly knew ya. April, the cruellest month on blogger, is over. It's just too dang hard to post from work during the day with our outdated browser, now that blogger has upgraded.

So here I am with less than 2 hours left in NaPoMo, trying to salvage it. But will I? Is there one last poem left out there? she asked hopefully....

As for Mad Men this week,  oh Roger, he is so back on his game.

Enough already

Shut up and go back to class, you lame-o student protesters.  I'm tired of your antics.

Random news

Blogger has modernized its site and now I have to jump through hoops just to post a new item. Stupid modern world. I remember the olden days of blogging' when I was a wee tot. Things were easier in them days. Now all these new fangled dang google chrome requirements. It makes it harder to blog from work, by gum.

.....
We have a new colleague who is from Peru. She often has candies and other treats from South America. Right now I am having a few Kraft-caramel-type candies from South America.  Why aren't I high yet? Shouldn't I be high?

Roger Sterling would understand.

Alberta Election Day

Will the Wild Rose Party prevail?
If so, be prepared to learn to goose step.
Seig Heil! Seig Heil!

Vacations and Junior Birthdays

The Littlest Anonymi is 9 today. A Friday the 13th birthday seems appropriate for the lil demon. ha. Happy Birthday, A.

I'll confess I thought he was 6. LOL! Where do the years go? I'm older than hell.

Last day of work before FLORIDA vacation! yay. It'll be over before I know it. Forecast for Tampa for Sun/Mon/Tues: 86/86/87 and sunny! Yeh, baby!

Bring on the beach and the Wise Chips.

Chip News

I saw a headline just now that said "Lays offers BLT-flavoured chips". So I clicked on the link and got: "Sorry we cannot find the page you are looking for."

Cruel Internet. Do not deny me the news I need to know! (But we all know what they are going to taste like.....BBQ.)


In other news, this blog is 6 years old this week. Happy Anniversary to us all!

This is poem-worthy

NEW YORK, N.Y. - A Quebec actress is being held on suspicion of stalking actor Alec Baldwin, authorities in New York City said Monday. A New York police department spokesman says Genevieve Sabourin, a 40-year-old actress from the Montreal-area, was arrested Sunday at the "30 Rock" star's Manhattan apartment after the actor called to file a complaint. The blond-haired, hazel-eyed Sabourin was arrested and charged with aggravated harassment and stalking after attempting to talk her way into the apartment building via the doorman.

Four words: JAW Fan in drag.

Happy Easter to all

I have been very delinquent on the blog this week, but stupid work has been stupidly busy.

HOLY CRAP! It's National Poetry Month and I forgot all about it!!
Somebody needs to get his poetry hat on next week. We've got some serious catching up to do, we missed the whole first week.