Chips in Puerto Vallarta, #3 in a series

JAW Fan sez:
As my loyal readers know, I have an issue with potato chips whose flavour name are not actually reflected in their taste...particularly when it comes to all these new-fandangle hotsy-totsy, spicy flavours that end up being nothing more than a mediocre barbecue. So, naturally, when I picked up a bag of Ruffles Extra Picante down in Puerto Vallarta, I had a pre-conceived notion of what they would taste like. Well, tickle my tuckus and call me a taxi...was I ever wrong! These chips were without a doubt the hottest snack food I have ever slipped past my lips. Seriously, Senor Ruffles, nobody with a healthy potato fetish needs a chip this hot. I mean, Geez Louise, I damn near burned my f * *king tongue off. After a couple of mouthfuls, I had to put the bag down. The next day, I had another mouthful and again put the bag aside, a third mouthful on the third day...and on day four I thought, "screw this, I ain't the Marquis de Sade" and threw the rest into the garbage. Yes, yours truly actually tossed his taters away...that's how hot these fiery f * *kers were! On el Mexicano wang-o-metro, they rate a freakishly abnormal and unbearably painful 17 inches...Impressive as it might sound, trust me, you don't want anything that big near you. Ouch!...But if you're feeling exceptionally daring, then proceed with caution...but don't say I didn't warn you!

Fortunately, to help make up for this picante debacle, there were Ondas Skate chips...a ridged BBQ chip with some lame skateboarder dude on the packaging. I certainly wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary...but again, how wrong I was...they were totally delicious. What this company lacked in marketing, they made up for in flavour. This was truly a heaven-sent BBQ delight, providing the right amount of kick (much like a 1976 Patsy Gallant TV special.) Never has a BBQ chip offered such joy in the jockstrap. On el wang-o-metro, these mucho-macho hunkeroos (or barbecuties, if you prefer) score a perfectly-shaped, excellently-erect, and positively Mandingo-esque 10 inches that will have you humping all night long.