1. Ware is back in Baghdad. Yay.
2. Joe Biden is a complete moron.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Matters of Life and Death
You ever notice how you can work day-in day-out for weeks and months and nothing shocking ever happens at the office.
Then you take 2 days off sick and yikes!
I came back to work today to learn that one of the men on my floor wasn't feeling well on Monday, so he left work early. He went home and promptly dropped dead of a massive heart attack. He was only 42.
Life is short, kids!
You know what's weird? People's reactions. When you say, did you hear so-and-so died? People say, what? Him? But he was so nice!!! Like nice people aren't supposed to die. If he had been a miserable rotter, it would've been okay? Why do we say such dumb things?
Then you take 2 days off sick and yikes!
I came back to work today to learn that one of the men on my floor wasn't feeling well on Monday, so he left work early. He went home and promptly dropped dead of a massive heart attack. He was only 42.
Life is short, kids!
You know what's weird? People's reactions. When you say, did you hear so-and-so died? People say, what? Him? But he was so nice!!! Like nice people aren't supposed to die. If he had been a miserable rotter, it would've been okay? Why do we say such dumb things?
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
RIP Death Watch
Don't be fooled. This death-watching biz is not all it's cracked up to be. Seeing Fidel and Hugo on the news just now, I'm forced to shelve the idea. Chalk it up to the healing powers of the comfortable sweatsuit.
I too am recovered, and will be returning to work (!) tomorrow.
All's well that ends well.
I too am recovered, and will be returning to work (!) tomorrow.
All's well that ends well.
Save the Mushroom
Since I switched to new blogtastic blogger, our loyal correspondent Ms Mushrooms is unable to comment from her home computer. She's tried everything. Anyone have any suggestions as to what the problem might be?
We can't have a frustrated mushroom in our midst.
We can't have a frustrated mushroom in our midst.
On Highway Robbery
Around this date every year I receive something in the mail which turns me into a Tex Avery character. My hair flips off and then lands back on my head; my eyes jump out like saucers whilst making a sproinggging noise; smoke pours out of my ears; my tongue grows ten feet and lands on the floor. Yep, it's the Montreal Municipal Tax Bill.
Holy crap!
For this year, it is a mere $60 more than last year. That I can handle. But the house's evaluation over the next 4 years is going up by 49.7%. Let me throw caution to the wind and say 50%. 50 PER CENT in the next four years. This means if I'm paying $3,000 this year (and I am!) by 2010 I'll be paying $4,500. Forty-five hundred dollars a year to the stinkin' City of Montreal and for what???
Could it be for the charm of our Third World Road Conditions? Last week I went through a pot hole (in LaSalle) and I swear the only thing that allowed me to emerge from it was the power of prayer. Last year Radio-Canada ran a story that said Montreal's streets were comparable to those of Dakar, Senegal. I fear Dakar has probably left us literally in the dirt by now.
Perhaps it's the pleasure of knowing if I flip my snow into the street, the City may fine me $60. Why not? They need the money.
Or the fact that you can't park for free anywhere on Sunday anymore, or weeknights after 7:00 p.m. It's all on the meter now. Thieves!!!!
The municipal records in 2010 will claim that I am living in a home evaluated at $294,000. Believe me, I am NOT living in a $294,000 house!! Wow. I love being rich ON PAPER. I am just so paperly rich. Wheee. This is absurd.
Holy crap!
For this year, it is a mere $60 more than last year. That I can handle. But the house's evaluation over the next 4 years is going up by 49.7%. Let me throw caution to the wind and say 50%. 50 PER CENT in the next four years. This means if I'm paying $3,000 this year (and I am!) by 2010 I'll be paying $4,500. Forty-five hundred dollars a year to the stinkin' City of Montreal and for what???
Could it be for the charm of our Third World Road Conditions? Last week I went through a pot hole (in LaSalle) and I swear the only thing that allowed me to emerge from it was the power of prayer. Last year Radio-Canada ran a story that said Montreal's streets were comparable to those of Dakar, Senegal. I fear Dakar has probably left us literally in the dirt by now.
Perhaps it's the pleasure of knowing if I flip my snow into the street, the City may fine me $60. Why not? They need the money.
Or the fact that you can't park for free anywhere on Sunday anymore, or weeknights after 7:00 p.m. It's all on the meter now. Thieves!!!!
The municipal records in 2010 will claim that I am living in a home evaluated at $294,000. Believe me, I am NOT living in a $294,000 house!! Wow. I love being rich ON PAPER. I am just so paperly rich. Wheee. This is absurd.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Ware
Where the hell is Michael Ware? Is he still in New York? Why isn't he back in Baghdad? His rabid fans await his return. There is still news happening there, you know, and he could, like, be reporting on it, maybe?
(Yes, I have regained some of my fightin' form.)
(Yes, I have regained some of my fightin' form.)
Nanuk Death Watch: Day 3
Ok, I exaggerate. But I'm still home sick. I do, however, see a light at the end of the tunnel. A dim, flickering light.
Yesterday, thanks to a timely phone call from J. (Thank you!) I arose from my sick bed long enough to pick up the message, return to bed and catch a very interesting hour-long radio interview with Smarty Amis on CBC.
Amis wasn't as arrogant as usual, but I do fear that among the excitable crowd, someone is not going to want to see the difference Smarty makes between Islam and Islamism. If, one day, the Smartster goes down in the street like Theo van Gogh, I won't be surprised. I'll be very angry, but not at all surprised.
Yesterday, thanks to a timely phone call from J. (Thank you!) I arose from my sick bed long enough to pick up the message, return to bed and catch a very interesting hour-long radio interview with Smarty Amis on CBC.
Amis wasn't as arrogant as usual, but I do fear that among the excitable crowd, someone is not going to want to see the difference Smarty makes between Islam and Islamism. If, one day, the Smartster goes down in the street like Theo van Gogh, I won't be surprised. I'll be very angry, but not at all surprised.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
I want your pity
I'm sick at home with sniffles, watery eyes, volcanic coughs, squeaky bronchial wheeziness, and general miserableness. Boo hoo. Poor me.
In other news, blogger forced me over to the "new" blogger yesterday, so I don't know if this will affect how comments are posted. I don't think it should. At some point, I'll have to investigate what is new and improved about this so-called new and improved blogger. sigh.
In other news, blogger forced me over to the "new" blogger yesterday, so I don't know if this will affect how comments are posted. I don't think it should. At some point, I'll have to investigate what is new and improved about this so-called new and improved blogger. sigh.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Maher Arar
So. He got a $10.5 million settlement and an official apology from Big Stephen Harper on behalf of the government of Canada.
Can we stop hearing about him now?
Thank you very much.
Can we stop hearing about him now?
Thank you very much.
On reading
How long does it take you to read a book? Let’s say a normal 300-page novel.
I’m embarrassed at how slow I am. There are a number of reasons for this:
1. I fall asleep when I read. This means that on a good night I might get through 6 pages, then my book falls on my face.
2. I feel guilty about reading. I feel like if I’m at home I should be doing something more productive. Cleaning up clutter is a whole other post.
3. I can’t read in a moving vehicle. Therefore bus and Metro are out.
4. I read all day at work, so lunch hour is out because I need to take a break from reading at mid-day.
My all-time slowness record is Ulysses. Which I took out of the library and had to renew for 7 months until I finally finished it. I know it’s not a regular novel, but still 7 months is ridiculous.
Right now I’m finishing up Pillars of the Earth. It’s taken forever. It’s about 950 pages and for the first 700 pages I was okay with it. I didn’t think it was great, but I made decent progress. Suddenly one day, I lost interest in the book. Completely. So for 2 weeks I didn’t pick it up. Then I thought, come on, I’ve invested the time into reading 700 pages, I have to finish this thing. So I’ve got about 40 pages left. Worst thing is, it won’t feel like an accomplishment when I finish it. I’ll just think “thank god that’s over.” But, at the same time, I can’t just drop it. I really don’t care what happens to the characters, but I’m stuck.
I remember when I was a kid seeing a MAD Magazine feature that showed a guy’s New Year’s Resolutions over a span of 10 or 20 years. The first year it said something like “Read 20 good books a year”, then it went to 10, then to 5, and in the last panel it said “Finish ‘Airport’”. I always thought that was funny. Now it's too close for comfort.
I’m embarrassed at how slow I am. There are a number of reasons for this:
1. I fall asleep when I read. This means that on a good night I might get through 6 pages, then my book falls on my face.
2. I feel guilty about reading. I feel like if I’m at home I should be doing something more productive. Cleaning up clutter is a whole other post.
3. I can’t read in a moving vehicle. Therefore bus and Metro are out.
4. I read all day at work, so lunch hour is out because I need to take a break from reading at mid-day.
My all-time slowness record is Ulysses. Which I took out of the library and had to renew for 7 months until I finally finished it. I know it’s not a regular novel, but still 7 months is ridiculous.
Right now I’m finishing up Pillars of the Earth. It’s taken forever. It’s about 950 pages and for the first 700 pages I was okay with it. I didn’t think it was great, but I made decent progress. Suddenly one day, I lost interest in the book. Completely. So for 2 weeks I didn’t pick it up. Then I thought, come on, I’ve invested the time into reading 700 pages, I have to finish this thing. So I’ve got about 40 pages left. Worst thing is, it won’t feel like an accomplishment when I finish it. I’ll just think “thank god that’s over.” But, at the same time, I can’t just drop it. I really don’t care what happens to the characters, but I’m stuck.
I remember when I was a kid seeing a MAD Magazine feature that showed a guy’s New Year’s Resolutions over a span of 10 or 20 years. The first year it said something like “Read 20 good books a year”, then it went to 10, then to 5, and in the last panel it said “Finish ‘Airport’”. I always thought that was funny. Now it's too close for comfort.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Whoa, slow down cowgirl!
Did you see this picture? Condi must be so pissed off.
You know, I want the Chimperor to have a wild affair with this aggressive Congresswoman. I want it splashed all over the news. Because the only thing that can get a US President impeached is a sex scandal. Go for it!
I think this is a plot. Most women long ago realized that in order to rid the world of the Bush blot one of us was going to have to take one for the team. You go, Michelle, lie back and think of democracy.
You know, I want the Chimperor to have a wild affair with this aggressive Congresswoman. I want it splashed all over the news. Because the only thing that can get a US President impeached is a sex scandal. Go for it!
I think this is a plot. Most women long ago realized that in order to rid the world of the Bush blot one of us was going to have to take one for the team. You go, Michelle, lie back and think of democracy.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
In War News
The attack that killed 5 US troops in Karbala this week used a very scary new tactic: disguise. It means that the insurgents now have access to vehicles that look like US army vehicles and uniforms that look like US army uniforms. These insurgents are ruthlessly clever bastards.
In addition they speak enough English to “pass” for Americans at a checkpoint. Now this I have a problem believing. I’m more inclined to suspect that the checkpoint guards knew perfectly well that these attackers weren’t Americans and chose to look the other way, due either to intimidation or cooperation. But, if that is true and the checkpoint guards just let them through, then why bother copying US gear and vehicles. Who knows? Maybe to fool US air surveillance?
Regardless, this raises the war to a whole other level of deception. Isn’t it just a matter of time before there is an incident where American troops shoot other American troops because they will mistake them for insurgents in US Army disguises? I guess that’s the whole point.
What if, when the surge happens in Sadr City, the place is full of insurgents in American uniforms. What a mess.
In addition they speak enough English to “pass” for Americans at a checkpoint. Now this I have a problem believing. I’m more inclined to suspect that the checkpoint guards knew perfectly well that these attackers weren’t Americans and chose to look the other way, due either to intimidation or cooperation. But, if that is true and the checkpoint guards just let them through, then why bother copying US gear and vehicles. Who knows? Maybe to fool US air surveillance?
Regardless, this raises the war to a whole other level of deception. Isn’t it just a matter of time before there is an incident where American troops shoot other American troops because they will mistake them for insurgents in US Army disguises? I guess that’s the whole point.
What if, when the surge happens in Sadr City, the place is full of insurgents in American uniforms. What a mess.
What a difference 14 years make
If back in 1993, you had said to me
“Mark Wahlberg will be nominated for an Academy Award some day”,
I would’ve said:
a) "Who?"
b) "The underwear guy?"
c) "Are you on drugs?"
But not:
"Oh, definitely, and it’ll be well deserved too."
Good for him.
“Mark Wahlberg will be nominated for an Academy Award some day”,
I would’ve said:
a) "Who?"
b) "The underwear guy?"
c) "Are you on drugs?"
But not:
"Oh, definitely, and it’ll be well deserved too."
Good for him.
More Advice
In the Salon advice column today is a letter from a woman who can’t understand why she can’t find a man. Her letter makes her sounds incredibly stuck-up and arrogant, but perhaps she IS as perfect as she claims. Who am I to judge? There’s a slew of letters in response but this one made me laugh out loud, if only because I’ve thought the same thing on numerous occasions:
“I was watching 'The woman with half a body' on Discovery Channel. Nothing below the waist, walks on her hands. And the next scene is her being lifted into a guy's car. Her boyfriend. Woman with half a body has a boyfriend, and I don't?? I wept for days.”
I remember a similar experience at work when discussing one of our retirees who was 75 and juggling two boyfriends. “75? TWO?” I sputtered.
Miraculously, I still don’t have a drinking problem.
“I was watching 'The woman with half a body' on Discovery Channel. Nothing below the waist, walks on her hands. And the next scene is her being lifted into a guy's car. Her boyfriend. Woman with half a body has a boyfriend, and I don't?? I wept for days.”
I remember a similar experience at work when discussing one of our retirees who was 75 and juggling two boyfriends. “75? TWO?” I sputtered.
Miraculously, I still don’t have a drinking problem.
Happy Birthday, W!
It’s Mr. Mushrooms’ birthday!
Mr. Mushrooms: Fanatical soccer dad, loyal supporter of the perpetually losing Scottish team, archivist to the gods (or one god, anyway), lover of real jazz and not “Jazz Festival T-shirts”, Murakami reader, and devoted husband (I’ll leave that accolade to Ms. Mushrooms).
How do I remember the date? Why, it’s one year ago today that Big Steve-o became our Prime Minister. The two events are now permanently linked in my brain. Let us hope that in the coming year our PM will follow the advice of the much-admired John Locke, that is to say, he won’t screw ya.
Mr. Mushrooms: Fanatical soccer dad, loyal supporter of the perpetually losing Scottish team, archivist to the gods (or one god, anyway), lover of real jazz and not “Jazz Festival T-shirts”, Murakami reader, and devoted husband (I’ll leave that accolade to Ms. Mushrooms).
How do I remember the date? Why, it’s one year ago today that Big Steve-o became our Prime Minister. The two events are now permanently linked in my brain. Let us hope that in the coming year our PM will follow the advice of the much-admired John Locke, that is to say, he won’t screw ya.
Monday, January 22, 2007
What I learned this weekend
Basic training in the real army is just like in the movies. It’s chin-ups, sit-ups, burpees, and push-ups, repeat, repeat, until you are sick and/or until you are producing pools of sweat. My nephew survived his first weekend of basic, as an official member of the Reserves.
In Canada, you can swear your oath of loyalty on the Bible, the Koran, or nothing at all. We’re pretty flexible in this regard.
He threw up just once. This is an apparent achievement ‘cause some of the recruits (male and female) were sick a lot. He said: “A lot of them are pretty fat.”
And the sergeants yell at you a lot. When you do good, they are nice, but screw up and then yell at you. And swear at you.
Just like Full Metal Jacket.
They got long lectures on staying hydrated and drinking as much water as they can stand.
Just like Jarhead.
One kid got dehydrated, fainted, and was not seen again.
And then there are the showers. My nephew is a kid who spends 20 minutes showering, using up all the hot water in the house and getting yelled at by his mother (my sis). This weekend: 60 guys, 6 showers, 30 minutes. That’s 3 minutes each.
But he loved it all. When his parents picked him up he was beaming. He said: “I’ll never be the same again!” Then he asked them to stop at McDonald’s.
In Canada, you can swear your oath of loyalty on the Bible, the Koran, or nothing at all. We’re pretty flexible in this regard.
He threw up just once. This is an apparent achievement ‘cause some of the recruits (male and female) were sick a lot. He said: “A lot of them are pretty fat.”
And the sergeants yell at you a lot. When you do good, they are nice, but screw up and then yell at you. And swear at you.
Just like Full Metal Jacket.
They got long lectures on staying hydrated and drinking as much water as they can stand.
Just like Jarhead.
One kid got dehydrated, fainted, and was not seen again.
And then there are the showers. My nephew is a kid who spends 20 minutes showering, using up all the hot water in the house and getting yelled at by his mother (my sis). This weekend: 60 guys, 6 showers, 30 minutes. That’s 3 minutes each.
But he loved it all. When his parents picked him up he was beaming. He said: “I’ll never be the same again!” Then he asked them to stop at McDonald’s.
On Advice
I’m a big fan of advice columns. I love reading them. Does anyone have any on-line advice columns to recommend? I suspect there’s a gem or two or three out there I’m not familiar with.
There are three I read regularly: Dear Prudence at slate.com, Cary Tennis at salon.com and Dan Savage at villagevoice.com.
How many letters to advice columnists are fakes? It must be a big thrill to get your fake letter published and treated seriously, if you’re the kind of person who’s into that.
Last week, Prudence got a letter from a woman worried that her younger husband (who was in fact only one year younger than her (than she?)) looks much too young for her now that he’d gotten a new hairpiece. LOL! Prudence wisely pointed out that, a) he’s not really a younger man; and b) if he’s wearing a hairpiece he’s looks ridiculous and not young. I’m trying to understand the mind of a woman who thinks her husband’s wig can look that good. Love is blind.
Cary Tennis’s columns cover every subject under the sun, but, in his answers, he seems to spend an inordinate amount of energy fretting about the passage of time, his life and his own mortality. I can’t imagine why I can relate to that.
Dan Savage is usually funny and informative. Where else could I have learned that cuckolding is (apparently) really, really popular these days. This is disturbing. If the contemporary male gets a thrill out of knowing his wife is sleeping with someone else, I’d say we’ve got to do something to fix the contemporary male. Bring back jousting. Bare-knuckles boxing. No Marques of Queensbury rules. Fight Club. Whatever.
There are three I read regularly: Dear Prudence at slate.com, Cary Tennis at salon.com and Dan Savage at villagevoice.com.
How many letters to advice columnists are fakes? It must be a big thrill to get your fake letter published and treated seriously, if you’re the kind of person who’s into that.
Last week, Prudence got a letter from a woman worried that her younger husband (who was in fact only one year younger than her (than she?)) looks much too young for her now that he’d gotten a new hairpiece. LOL! Prudence wisely pointed out that, a) he’s not really a younger man; and b) if he’s wearing a hairpiece he’s looks ridiculous and not young. I’m trying to understand the mind of a woman who thinks her husband’s wig can look that good. Love is blind.
Cary Tennis’s columns cover every subject under the sun, but, in his answers, he seems to spend an inordinate amount of energy fretting about the passage of time, his life and his own mortality. I can’t imagine why I can relate to that.
Dan Savage is usually funny and informative. Where else could I have learned that cuckolding is (apparently) really, really popular these days. This is disturbing. If the contemporary male gets a thrill out of knowing his wife is sleeping with someone else, I’d say we’ve got to do something to fix the contemporary male. Bring back jousting. Bare-knuckles boxing. No Marques of Queensbury rules. Fight Club. Whatever.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Never Trust a Eunuch
If you're a member of the Chinese Royal Family, you just can't have any secrets. The Imperial Palace has thousands of servants and everybody is on somebody else's team. Sneaky eunuchs, sneaky imperial doctors. The intrigue is endless.
I saw Curse of the Golden Flower. It's a pretty good, grandiose, very beautifully colourful melodrama. And I mean melodrama.
The cruel and evil Emperor is played by the one, the only, Chow Yun-Fat. And the moral of the story is the same one we all learned way back in the days of Hard Boiled: Never, ever, EVER mess with Chow Yun-Fat.
I expected him to be wielding two swords at the same time, but he never had to. He's that good.
I saw Curse of the Golden Flower. It's a pretty good, grandiose, very beautifully colourful melodrama. And I mean melodrama.
The cruel and evil Emperor is played by the one, the only, Chow Yun-Fat. And the moral of the story is the same one we all learned way back in the days of Hard Boiled: Never, ever, EVER mess with Chow Yun-Fat.
I expected him to be wielding two swords at the same time, but he never had to. He's that good.
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