M-Day minus one

Ms Mushrooms lands in Montreal tomorrow. In the middle of what is probably the last heat wave of the summer. One cannot escape this in Montreal.

How do I tell her that people no longer smoke in bank lines and Steinberg's hasn't existed in at least 15 years. Okay, she already knows these things in theory, but her Montreal nostalgia may be in for heart-wrenching reality check when she witnesses non-smoking bank lines with her own eyes.

And the Seville theatre. The dilapidated, abandoned building is now being turned into condos? Better than the eyesore it has been for years. But Cinema V is still abandoned. Woe is us.

to be continued...

Spectacular day for a B-Day

What a gorgeous Sunday morning. I have been sitting out back with my coffee enjoying the company of Blackie, who sought out a shady spot beneath my lawn chair. What a perfect day to end the month of August, and gulp, the summer? Nooo.

Happy Birthday wishes are in order for Mr. BJB, our resident pornography researcher.

In the land of the old people (i.e. our current reality)

Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus to a very obese woman who walked with a cane. I mentioned this to Mr. Anon who commented that it is better than having a seat offered.

I suppose that is the only way to look at it. It is better to feel one can still give up one's seat than to be offered the same seat by a young-un.

So why am I still depressed? Oh yeah, I'm still middled-aged, that's why.

She's Worse than Hitler

Since I have been remiss on commenting on current events, let me say a word about that stupid woman in the UK who tossed the cat in the garbage bin and was caught on camera.

She is stupid and cruel. I am glad she was caught. She deserves public shunning.

That's it. I don't want her dead. I don't believe it is correct to send death threats. She should not have to be guarded by police. She's an idiot. And now everyone in the world knows she is an idiot. She's not Joe Stalin. That's enough for me.

I am enjoying that people are complaining to her employer. That amuses me. Especially since her employer is a bank that is already hated by the public for getting bail-out money. Heh heh.

But she does not have to die for her crime. She is hated around the world. Good enough for me. Now if it turns out she has done this before and kitty cats have died because of it, well, then to jail with her. Of course, she will now be blamed for every cat in her neighbourhood that has ever disappeared in the history of cats. So be it.

Miss Blankenship returns!

Great Mad Men this week.

Peggy on that Honda. So coooool. Loved that.

And poor Sally. I think everyone knew she would eventually end up at a shrink, but I thought it would be when she was a young adult, not at age 10. I can't think of a character that I feel more sorry for. Well, she's a twisted pervert. (Thanks to Grandpa Gene.) What else can be done? She must be rehabilitated.

Modern Technology at the Movies

There was a guy two rows ahead of us last night who kept pulling out his blackberry and texting during the movie. This drove BGTSmoothie up the wall. I was glad to see his reaction, given that he is of the younger generation and not a old fart like me.

"What's he texting about? That he's at the movies? Then watch the movie instead of texting about it!" he ranted afterwards. I was glad to hear it.

One sentence movie review

Could've used A LOT more Christopher Lloyd.

Movie Review Preview

JAW Fan has kindly provided an advance review of Piranha 3D (note corrected spelling). I shall provide updates/commentary as seen fit tomorrow.

Reasons to see Piranha 3D:

Watching stupid spring breakers get mutilated and terrorized…(creative and gory deaths – my favorite: hair -that’s all I can say without giving it away.
Christopher Lloyd winner for best exaggerated delivery of a line this year (hand motions and all).
The scene with the opera duet from Lakmé.
Goofy uses of 3D (no examples to be given). (Editor's note: Isn't it all BOOBS?)
The giant penis.
Cause it never takes itself seriously.

Smoothie Love

So much for keeping BGTSmoothie at arm's length for a week. We had pizza last night, he paid. He always insists on paying. He seems to get some kind of allowance from his mother, so what the heck, I'll dine on Mama Smoothie's dime.

I also got a nice little gift. Earlier we had been discussing artisanal stuff, like handmade soap, etc., and I said I would never pay $50 for a bar of soap. That is insanity. So he shows up with an expensive bar of Portuguese soap for me. I looked up the company on the interet, its sells on line for about 10 Euros. About $20? Anyway. It's nice. I'm assuming it doesn't mean I smell bad. And he didn't pay retail for it. His family never pays retail for anything.

Being of Israeli descent (ahem) he talks alot about what things cost and how expensive everything is. He complained about the price of the pizza, even though I had originally told him I would pay, but no, he insisted...and then said $16 for that pizza was ridiculous. Well, I liked it. So there.

Anyway, we discussed this whole never-pay-retail thing, and if he talks about it he's being colourfully stereotypical, but if I say he's being cheap, I'm an anti-Semite. It's like being with Larry David Jr. Also, he claims to be an atheist (he's reading Hitchens at the moment) but won't mix meat and cheese, which I assume is a Jewish thing, so what is that? Makes no sense.

On Tuesday he has invited me to see Pirhana 3D. Normally I'd laugh at the suggestion of seeing a gorey, bloody, silly horror movie, but of couse, he's paying, so I said yes. He's in love!

Vega$

Our flights are booked, and sis and I are off to Vegas on October 26.

This is an early 50th B-day present for me.

Point me to the Liberace museum.

We'll be staying at the Flamingo.

The Divine Miss B

I've finally watched this week's Mad Men.

Two words: Miss Blankenship. Wow, she is so my kind of character. (And she's JAW Fan's kind of character, though he has not seen her.) Oh, she's everybody kind of character.

I'm praying they keep her on for a few episodes, but I think she will be too much of a comic distraction, so they probably won't.

And what can I say about Megan, the receptionist. She's amazing. She is definitely the kind of girl you'd make a detour just to get a glimpse of. Vive Megan and her French mother who doesn't use soap.

On the serious side: It was good to see somebody just flat out call Don Draper a drunk. I was cheering for Allison through this whole episode.

One other thing: at the beginning when the unattractive secretary puts herself in the same category as Joan saying "we're old and married, they don't want us", the look on Joan's face was perfection. She should win an Emmy just for that icy gaze alone. Awesome.

Bad News for Baldwin Fans

I've had to temporarily give BGTS the heave-ho. He was getting obsessive and it was starting to creep me out.

Really, nobody NEEDS to see me twice a day. Not even the felines care that much.

So I've imposed a one-week time-out. If he bugs me during this time, he's a goner. If he keeps it under control, it's Hello Alec Baldwin next time he (i.e. the Alec) is in town.

Gadzooks! I forgot

Silly me. With all the kissin' and stuff, I forgot the MOST important fact about BGTS.

His mother owns a couple of antique shops in town, and guess who has been to them on more than one occasion?

....(DRAMATIC PAUSE).....

Alec Baldwin.

So through BGTS's mom, to BGTS, to me, places JAW Fan less than six degrees of separation from his ultimate fantasy man's wang.

Let's all smoke a cigarette after that news, shall we? Ah!

Behold!.....Tis Nanuk!

I had lunch with Blueberry-Green Tea Smoothie (BGTS) yesterday, and I met him again after work.

Smitten, I tells ya.

Over lunch, he held my hand and told me how "beautiful" I am. (Don't laugh. I'm not joking. This really happened.) And walking to the door at Place Bonaventure afterwards, he stopped me for The Big Kiss.

My primary thought: Where were men like you when I was 22?

After work, we were walking through Central Station in a quiet corridor and, again, The Big Kiss move. I heard someone walking towards us and I started pushing him away. He's rather bigger than me, like a cuddly bear (think: Not So Gentle Ben). You can picture my little arms flailing, right? And I am saying "We're in public!!!!" and he says, about the approaching woman, "She's some stranger we'll never see again". True, she was. But that wasn't the point.

So much for platonic

I've received two emails from Mr. Blueberry-Green Tea Smoothie, the jewish atheist, asking me how I feel about him.

He's smitten.

I'm baffled.

(If I get anything similar from Mr. Mango-Banana Smoothie, I shall truly be in a pickle.)

Platonic Male Box: A couple of smoothies

I haven't had many updates in the ole romantic male box lately, but I had platonic dates this weekend, and got 2 smoothies out of the deal. I feel guilty when gentlemen insist on buying my smoothies because I know I make more money than the two of them put together, but chivalry is not dead, and thus I am treated to smoothies.

At Coffee Depot I had a green tea-blueberry smoothie than tasted neither of blueberry nor green tea, so I was not impressed. But I met this odd fellow. Now if someone is of Israeli extraction and does not believe in god, does that make him an atheist jew or a jewish atheist? Point to ponder. Anyway, he is a movie buff so we have other things to discuss.

At Baskin-Robbins I had a mango banana smoothie that fulfilled all my smoothie expectations. So B-R wins the smoothie competition by a long shot. My date is of an extraction I didn't really know existed. A Protestant from India, or an Indian Protestant, if you will. Odd combo, but we didn't talk much about that. Mainly he needs to know where to eat cheap in Montreal, and how to dress for winter, as this coming one will be his first. I said: Good luck, you have no idea what you are in for.

They are both nice guys and I'd see them both again. For cheap eats, I'm guessing.

This week's Mad Men

Oh, Don Draper. You are such a bad influence, leading Lane into debauchery AND Gamera! They're not homosexuals, they're divorced! I loved that line. Which was followed by the worst Dylan wanna-be they could ever find. Awesome.

Now is it me, or is Don making nice with his secretary? Even flirting a bit? Be careful Miss Secretary. He's a heartbreaker (and probably has a social disease).

I can't wait for Joan's husband, the rapist, to go to Vietnam and die. He better.

And no Roger this week. I haz a sad. :(

A Quiet Week?

Looks like not much will be happening this week. No medical appointments, no vet appointments, and no JAW Fan comments, as he is on vacation, in the countryside, no doubt participating in a week-long, chip-tasting orgy.

Some people have all the fun.

The New Me

Another pretty decent night on the slipknot machine. It looks like I might get used to it pretty quick. Tonight, pre-work with all the anxiety that Monday morning induces, will be the real test.

Now that I am super alert, I have embarked on a little exercise program that my sister started recently. The exercises are called slow burn. They are aptly named. Simple exercise like crunches and arm raises, but done to a super slow count.

I have just finished. My legs are shaking, my arms are quivering. It took half an hour, and I'm sure the pain will last for a lot longer than that, particularly tomorrow and the day after.

Some success

(I decided to remove my creepy Slipknot photo. It was too disturbing even for me.)

In sleep deprivation news, positive development. I had no problem with the gadget last night. Although I did not sleep a full night without waking up, I did endure the apparatus for 7 hours and woke up only twice.

I realllly want this to work, so I'm happy today. But am I energized and ready to hop and zip about the day? No. The action words "hop" and "zip" do not yet apply to me.

She wore Blue Velvet...

I'm not Dennis Hopper, and this is just pure air, no nitrous oxide. It's still freakin' creepy, tho.

Wish me luck.

Chip Time with JAW Fan

Last weekend, I attended what can only be described as a chip orgy…bowls and bowls of chips lovingly decorated the table (OK, three bowls)…nonetheless, the wang-o-meter was vacillating like it had never done before…up, down, sideways…at times, it was impossible to get an accurate reading.

In the first bowl, Doritos Late-Night Jalapeño Poppers. You’ve heard the song “Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot”, well these orange triangles of fire could have been the inspiration to that island tune…but sadly, they left a bad taste in my mouth and left me “Feeling Sick, Sick, Sick”. These Poppers did not produce any fireworks in the ol’ underpants, not even when covered in the creamy deliciousness of a T. Marzetti dill dip. My advice: stay clear of these devil dongs.

Next up was President’s Choice Smokin’ Stampede…another variation of the barbecue flavour. Although nothing to get your lariat in a twitter over, as a snack food treat, they were tasty, tangy, and totally tempting. Yes, the rodeo in my pants had the wang-o-meter sporting a proud 8 inches. And that ain’t no bull!

The highlight of the night, however, was a specialty chip that a gamblin’-lovin’ chickster-of-a-friend picked up at a European deli. The brand name: Blair’s Death Rain. The flavour: Cheddar…The result: a hot n’ spicy cheese delight. Needless to say, the brand name alone scores a magnificent 10 inches on the wang-o-meter…the chips themselves a slightly smaller 9 inches…still, without a doubt, the big winner in the Harry Reemes Potato School for the Uninhibited.

Not Nice Mad Man

I am caught up on the first two episodes of Mad Men, Season 4. And what can I say? Don Draper, shame, shame, shame on you. You are not a nice man at all.

More, please.

Monday morning heh heh

First thing at work every morning is to check the spam folder of my email. Most of it is truly spam but occasionally an actual email for me goes astray. Most often, and for no reason we can determine, these are from Mr. Anon. Anyway.

Most of the spam is about fake Rolex watches and penis enlargement pills (also fake, I'd venture to guess). The messages are generic, but this one made me laugh out loud today: "Make your wife be proud of you. Ladies won't laugh at your long tower anymore".

Long tower? Sorry, I'm laughing.

Happy Friendship Day to all my friends

Did you know today is Friendship Day? Neither did I.

The first Sunday in August. Apparently it is big in India. This I learned today from a new Craiglist "friend" who is originally from India.

Last Sunday was Guru Purnima, which is the Hindu festival day for teachers. Those party hearty Indians have got a celebration day for everything.