All My Little Words

The movie that never ended

2012-01-25T12:31:00.001-05:00

Greek film director Theo Angelopoulos has died. I saw only one of his movies, Ulysses' Gaze, and somewhere in an alternate universe, JAW Fan and I are still sitting in that theatre, watching the movie that seemed like it would never, ever end. I swear it's still going on.

Cue Sinatra (or Anka): "Regrets, I've had a few...."

2012-01-24T11:31:00.003-05:00

Women get sold this "bill of goods" all the time: that their 50s can be their most exciting, vibrant decade ever. What utter crap. When do you ever see an article written for men that tells them how wonderful their 50s are? Never. Basically with men it's, you'll probably die of heart attack in the next ten years, and if not, Congratulations! ...So start jogging.

There’s a difference between being “50” and being “in your 50s” because once you are in your 50s it doesn’t matter whether you are 51 or 57. You are over the hill, professionally at least. Back in December (I think) two Canadians drowned on vacation in Mexico (sorry, JAW FAN, it's Bad News Mexico again) and I remember the headline said “Two seniors drown” and when I checked the story they were 72 and 55 !! So 50s is “seniors” in newspaper-speak. That’s pretty darn depressing.

As I was griping about this the other day, one of my friends (age 56, and the type who believes the things Oprah says) told me, you'll see, it only gets better! All I wanted to say was: how can you believe that shit you are saying? This whole 50 is the new 30 crap comes from the wrinkle-cream manufacturing industry. If I have to see another product called "age defying" I'll throw it across Jean Coutu. Deny, defy, whatever. We're fucking old, accept it.

Oscar Time

2012-01-24T10:06:00.002-05:00

Very disappointed to read that Uggie the dog has not received a Best Supporting nomination. Will the Academy's blatant, shameless discrimination against canines ever end? I ask you!

Scorsese's movie Hugo has the most nominations. This is the first time in years that I have no interest whatsoever in the most nominated movie. When I first saw the trailer, I thought "meh" and I still think "meh". It's a Scorsese picture and there's no Joe Pesci? So why the f*** would I wanna see dat, eh? You tink I'm funny? You tink I am a clown? I make you laugh?

Also, re Best Actor: Go Gorgeous George!

Let Birthday Season Begin!

2012-01-23T09:41:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to Mister Mushrooms. To 51 more glorious years. heh.

It's the Economy, Stupid

2012-01-22T17:17:00.003-05:00

I received my driver's license renewal form last week. The cost for an annual renewal is $88.75. This is not a fortune.

But I noticed, for the first time, that you can pay your license on a monthly or bi-monthly installment, paying either $7.60 a month or $15.17 every two months. This payment plan can only exist because there is a significant need for it. It makes me sad to think there are enough people in this province who cannot pay $88.75 in one payment, that there is a need for payment plans for drivers licenses.

A lot of people are really hard up. This is not good. :(

We are Outlaws (?)

2012-01-20T11:44:00.002-05:00

Last weekend, Smoothie emailed me frantically about some free preview movie passes, and I had to hurry, hurry to sign up for one. I did, not even knowing what the movie was. Turns out it was for Red Tails, and when I watched the trailer it looked like a giant yawn.

But we had our passes, so last night we met downtown. I really had no interest in seeing this movie. The big downtown theatre, however, has cut staff and there is no longer anyone checking tickets at the individual theatres (See my earlier post about Smoothie's griping about "overpaying" for IMAX Mission Impossible).

Anyway, once inside Smoothie said, well, we can always check what else is playing at this time and just duck in. So that is what we did. We saw The Artist, which I really enjoyed (as did Smoothie, who did not complain AT ALL at any point) and for free. Yes, we are thieves. Evil.

Jobs Report Update

2012-01-19T09:32:00.002-05:00

I got a phone call yesterday from SOS about the job. It would be essentially a lateral because the tasks are so similar to what I already do. But it would be an escape!

Problem with this "escape" is that it would cost me about $20 grand a year. That's how much less it pays than my current pay-for-doing-nothing. Is it a sign of desperation that I'm still thinking about it even with $20 thou less? Oh yes, it is a sign of desperation.

Anyway, SOS said she would not expect me to apply officially for the job because taking a pay cut like that is insanity. I guess I have to agree. Far be it from me to argue with SOS.

The Jobs Report

2012-01-17T15:59:00.002-05:00

JAW Fan informs me that once again his job is on the chopping block. I think I should have a standard paragraph ready whenever this subject comes up so I can just cut-and-paste it annually. He could know as early as before his Mexican getaway whether he is a) chopped b) left alone or c) relocated. c) appears to be the ideal scenario as it could be to an office very close to his home. On the other hand, it is turns out a) is the answer, then he will be more than close to home, he will be at home. Let us await further developments...

In my job news, Smoothie contacted me yesterday because his sister works in recruitment in a big company that is in a similar field to my esteemed employer. And her big company needs an editor, and she wanted to receive my c.v. So, why the heck not, thought I. Sister-of-Smoothie (SOS) now has my life in her hands, or at least my work life story. I don't expect anything to come of this, but let us await further developments...

Golden Yawn

2012-01-16T11:32:00.002-05:00

Who watched the Golden Globes? I did. And they were dull as heck. The only funny part was the introduction of Colin Firth.

At least Clooney won. And he looked ASTOUNDINGLY handsome. He's still got it. Representing all of us who will turn 51 this year. You go, Georgie boy.

Fancy Feast wants to enter the "snow war"

2012-01-13T17:59:00.002-05:00

I was complaining about CPN to FF in an email. So he wrote:

"Would you like me to come over and straighten him out? I'll just go have a talk with him. It'll start with "Please don't shovel snow onto Nanuk's property." How the conversation ends is entirely up to him. But I can guarantee you he won't do it anymore after a talk with me. No threats or anything, I'll keep it civil. I just have a way of showing pricks like that I mean business. And it's such a stupid thing to be confrontational about that he'll just drop it."

I responded: "Frankly, I think he's a bit off and has power/control issues, so I'm afraid it would end in a confrontation. And you can't park on my lawn all winter. As soon as you would leave, he'd go back to doing it. I'm convinced. thanks anyway."

FF responded: "I know his type quite well. Trust me, I am very confident that I can yield permanent results out of him. It would also give me an excuse to visit you ;) "

We can see where this is headed, right?

First snowstorm of the season

2012-01-12T19:47:00.002-05:00

We got quite a lot of snow today, and you know what that means....my Crazy Polish Neighbour has dumped a lot of snow on my lawn. grrr.

I hate that fucker with a hatred whose limits know no depths. (I don't even know if that makes sense. What I mean is I really, really hate him.)

Bad Timing

2012-01-12T09:46:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my aunt's 81st birthday. She is in Calgary. She is a cat owner and sometimes sends me various funny cat pictures, etc. I sent her a Happy B-Day email and in it I included a link to YouTube so she could see my kitties in action.

She replied including a long paragraph about how her cat of 11 years had to be put down last Friday and how upset she is about it. And how empty the house is. etc. etc.

Awkward!

FF Update

2012-01-10T14:55:00.003-05:00

Turns out Fancy Feast is apartment-sitting for the month of January. So in February he has to move somewhere else.

I'm not out of the woods yet. Aiiyeee.

He keeps sending me photos of meals he has prepared, and new recipe ideas. What does he think? That I am some kind of piglet who can be lured with food? Oink.

All Quiet on the Blog Front

2012-01-10T13:01:00.002-05:00

Is it January blahs? Nothing seems to be happening anywhere. I have no news. I have posted two more Tall Cats of Belmore videos to YouTube, if anyone cares to watch. I have one registered viewer and it is, of course, Fancy Feast.

Last weekend I saw Mission Impossible on Imax. It was fun. Tom Cruise is still the most wooden expressionless actor on earth. But, despite him, I enjoyed the movie.

Anyone have any news to share? Anyone?

In Wedding News

2012-01-05T09:49:00.002-05:00

Well, single gals, looks like we are out of luck. There's is now a Mrs. Potato Head.

Yep, our Potato Head Defense Minister, has gotten married. I was just reading the bio of the new Mrs. Potato Head, and I think she married down. She appears very accomplished, while he is just a Tory doofus. Oh well.

How long will it last? Will Peter PH be the Russell Brand of the Harper cabinet? Do we give it 14 months? Or will Mrs. PH do a Sinead, and have second thoughts after 18 days? Stay tuned.

Stars are Born

2012-01-04T10:09:00.001-05:00

Introducing the YouTube sensations of 2012. The first in a series:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiKCBv_An9w

Happy Fancy New Year

2012-01-02T16:55:00.002-05:00

I can report that Fancy Feast has now returned to our nation's capital.

Special note to J&J: Have you noticed that your neighbourhood is feeling a tad "fancier" in the last week or so? Well, it should. He is now living on Frank, a mere few short blocks from your place.

You have been warned.

It's Twenty Twelve

2012-01-01T18:53:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year to one and all.

I'll be making my resolutions when I am good and ready, and at this point, that may mean nevah!

Endings

2011-12-31T11:33:00.002-05:00

It's the end of the year. Though already the New Year in Australia! Happy New Year down under!

It being another year down the old drain, it gets me to thinkin'. About...divorce. I'm smiling over the news stories that teenage girls are having the vapours over the divorce of ding dong Katy Perry and unwashed wit Russell Brand. Only teenage girls are optimistic enough and naive enough to have pinned their hopes on a show biz twosome. I, on the other hand, am thinking: wow, it lasted 14 months, that's twice my prediction. Good on them.

On a more serious note. The sister of a friend of mine was dumped by her husband recently. Dumped after 42 years of marriage. 42 years!!! He met another woman. I can't imagine even wanting to get used to being with another person after having been with the same person for 42 years. What is this guy thinking? I've known about this for 3 days and I still can't process it. Does he really wants to adapt to someone else's habits when he's over 65 years old? Really? I'd love to know what goes on in people's heads. Humans are baffling. And doing this knowing it will destroy his wife and alienate his grown children. Jeez. What is behind this? I just don't get humans.

A cat would never walk out like that :)

Year End on the Horizon

2011-12-29T15:17:00.002-05:00

Yes, it is almost that time again. Time to make the resolutions. Another year, another dismal failure at improving myself.

True Confessions

2011-12-28T20:24:00.001-05:00

I am addicted to watching Storage Wars, both the original and the Texas version.

I hate everybody on it, but I can't stop watching. And stupid A&E keeps having Storage Wars Marathons. And I keep watching them.

One day late

2011-12-28T08:57:00.001-05:00

Happy Belated Birthday to JAW Fan. May the upcoming year find you chip-filled, still employed and, of course, in Mexico for 2 weeks.

Happy Festivus

2011-12-23T10:39:00.001-05:00

The holiday for the rest of us.

2-second hockey analysis

2011-12-22T22:52:00.001-05:00

The Canadiens suck the bag.

9 years already

2011-12-22T18:19:00.001-05:00

Joe Strummer died on 22 December 2002. Time, she does fly, eh?

Since he is on my ipod, I find that I still listen to him all the time. Funny, that.

They are dropping like flies

2011-12-19T09:31:00.001-05:00

I cannot keep up with the number of famous people dying.

Testing the new toy

2011-12-17T15:37:00.002-05:00

Nobody said it was easy to get oneself and a cat in the same frame, playbook or no playbook! Miz Hitler says: As long as I look good, who cares about the human?

For J & J

2011-12-15T19:39:00.001-05:00

Thank you for the card. :) Time to play " Spot the Error"

Yesterday on the Hill

2011-12-15T12:39:00.002-05:00

Just a quick comment on yesterday's brouhaha in the House of Commons with Trudeau II calling Peter Kent a piece o'shit.

I've been watching Peter Kent since the Kyoto/Durban conference stuff started stirring up, and am I the only one who thinks the guy is drunk all the time? He's so out of it.

Drunk or not, what a loser! This government is full of them. This country is so going down the tubes.

I Am A Modern Man!

2011-12-14T09:27:00.002-05:00

I have finally entered the 21st Century. I am now the owner of a "tablet" and not the kind I take for my frequent headaches.

It's a blackberry that I got during the Big Sale when they were discounted by $300. It's cute and, frankly, I will be taking a lot of kitty videos and posting them to YouTube. How useful! it will also be good to have puzzles, etc., and TV shows to watch on the train to the Holy City at Xmas.

Now, is it a good thing that I can carry my email around with me all the time? Probably not, but this apparently is how "we" live now. So there you have it.

Next up, a "smart" phone. Or if not a "smart" phone, at least one that looks recent and is not embarrassing to whip out in a public place.

Something I will regret for the rest of my life (probably)

2011-12-13T15:34:00.002-05:00

Fancy Feast wants to come back to Montreal, but he can't stay with me unless he has a job.

Today I sent him the link to my employer's website so he can be put on a roster for IT consultancy work. In the unlikely event that he would be hired, I would have Fancy Feast in my life 24 hours a day! Oh, the possibilities.

Finally

2011-12-12T13:52:00.000-05:00

My boss announced officially today that she is leaving in June.

Do I apply for the job or don't I?

I want the $$$, not the responsiblity.

Woman behaving badly? Or "completely normal"?

2011-12-11T19:22:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I blogged about a quarrelsome 19th Century Englishwoman. Allow me to update the crime blotter with this local story from last month.

This story raises only one question from me: What country is she from?

"A 45-year-old NDG woman was sent a $37 ticket under Westmount’s “good morals and decency” by-law after being found completely naked in a parked car behind Westmount city hall November 19 at 3:36 am, Westmount Public Security officials said. The woman was described as “being intimate” with a fully-clothed man, the driver.

Both were described as “so occupied” they never noticed the patroller on the scene for some five minutes awaiting back-up. Once they did, they drove off but stopped nearby. As the public safety officer spoke to them, she reported that the woman, still undressed, kept “giggling” and stated that being naked was “completely normal” in her country. It was not known to what country she was referring.

Police also attended and checked out the driver."

"Very quarrelsome"

2011-12-10T10:30:00.003-05:00

This was reprinted in the Guardian on line today, from their archives of 1862.

"Elizabeth Woolley was charged with throwing a quantity of vitriol at one Margaret Johnson, in Manchester, on the 8th of October last, with intent to do bodily harm. The Jury found the prisoner guilty, and the Judge sentenced her to nine months' hard labour. It appeared that the prisoner was, when sober, a very orderly woman; but she was very much addicted to drink, and, when under its influence, she was very quarrelsome."

I know a few women who are, when sober, very orderly, but when under the influence of drink, well, if not quarrelsome, at least very loud.

In today's news: Our gang of lady friends from work had our Xmas dinner and sing-along last night. There was drink. No vitriol was thrown.

Drift Away

2011-12-08T13:58:00.002-05:00

Dobie Gray died. The only song of his I know is Drift Away.

As a kid, I thought this was a really boring song. A callow youth was I. I heard it on the radio a couple of months ago, and wow, has that song ever changed. It is now such a great song. Who knew a song could change like that?

In other celeb death news, Harry Morgan died. He was 96. Ancient.

Belated Baldwin News

2011-12-07T21:19:00.002-05:00

I was very busy at work today and did not have time to comment on our friend Alec getting tossed off a flight for basically being an obnoxious, unruly passenger.

How hard is it to put a phone away when the lights go "ding"? Put the phone away, man.

In JAW Fan's fantasy, I'd imagine, this unruly passenger incident led to a strip search conducted by....JAW Fan, transport security agent!

In the Spirit of Christmas

2011-12-04T12:02:00.003-05:00

This manger MUST BE DESTROYED (maniacal kitty laugh)

We Start Young

2011-12-02T09:02:00.002-05:00

"Quebec's $7-a-day public daycare program, considered a landmark piece of legislation in the province and a potential model for the rest of the country, is being probed for possible corruption. The announcement comes after the province's auditor general reported irregularities in the awarding of contracts for 18,000 subsidized daycare spaces." (CBC News)

Quebec! Where even the daycares are corrupt! *sigh*

(The auditor general's first clue was video of Paulie Walnuts leading the kids through Inky Dinky Spider.)

Christmas time in near

2011-12-01T12:11:00.005-05:00

Well, it's December 1 and if you have not already commenced your Xmas shopping, it's time to get to it.

Of course, everybody wants one of these. Buy them in bulk.

Curmudgeons!

2011-11-29T13:14:00.002-05:00

The weirdest news story of the weekend was those two 70+ year old former CFL players who got into a fist fight, or more precisely a shoving match and cane-swinging battle, over a lingering bitterness from the 1963 Grey Cup game.

Now this is grudge holding I can get behind!

My father, possibly the world's greatest and most long-lasting grudge holder, would've loved these guys.

Reminds me of an incident I did not witness, but my bro-in-law brings up every now and then. He was car shopping with my dad, and they were approached by a young German clerk in the showroom who wanted to show them a Volkswagen, and my father yelled Nein! Nein! and walked out. Yes, he could be a nut sometimes. Fortunately, he did not have a cane to swing at the guy. But he could hold a grudge.

Today's Obits

2011-11-28T16:02:00.002-05:00

I see that Ken Russell died. Should we all swim around in baked beans in his honour? I dunno. Perhaps JAW Fan will wrestle nude instead.

More interesting to me, is that Stalin's daughter died, age 85. I'm sure I'm not the only one who read that who thought, Stalin had a daughter who was still alive AND living in the US? Who knew? I read her life story in the NY Times. Pretty sad and confused. You can't choose your parents!

Sunday afternoon at the movies

2011-11-28T12:20:00.001-05:00

I saw the Muppet movie yesterday. It is pretty cute and entertaining, but I have one serious, major complaint.

During the scene where the Muppets band together to rebuild their dilapidated theatre, they sing "We Built This City on Rock-n-Roll". This pretty well disqualifies a movie from getting a thumbs-up from me.

I share this because that awful song has been in my head all morning, and I want to put it into someone else's head. And I hope that I have now achieved this.

Today in Booze News

2011-11-23T12:17:00.002-05:00

I took the day off, as it is snowing and I have lots of vacation days. I have just come in from shovelling the walk and my cheeks are rosy.

Last week, I "acquired" a bottle of Jack Daniel's, which I have never tasted before (to my failing memory).

So I figured why not take a shot of JD to warm up. Heck, it's after noon, right? So I just did. I took a sip and literally said "whoa". It's really strong in the throat, but then, it's weird. It does not burn the way scotch does. It's sweet and warm. I like it!

Cut to: 4:00 p.m. Nanuk under a pile of papers asleep in the midst of drunken decluttering.

Here we go

2011-11-23T09:06:00.003-05:00

Another season of "fun" commences.
(This is where Susieq leaves a comment telling us it is 36 degrees in Melbourne....)

Today in "Olde" Person News

2011-11-21T15:30:00.003-05:00

On the weekend, my friend the Tall Teacher (age 31) was over. He pointed to an old stereo I have and said "what's that?" In his defense it was buried under other things, hoarder-style.

I said it's an old stereo. It was my father's. I kept it because it was the only one we had that played 78's.

He asked (you guessed it) "What are 78's?"

I said 78 rpm records. Vinyl. And I showed him one. He'd never heard of 78's. I showed him a couple. Very heavy vinyl, bigger than an 45, one song per side. He said: one song only? That's not very environmentally friendly.

I love that. Who thought about the "environment" in the days of 78's?

FF Monday Report

2011-11-21T10:02:00.003-05:00

I spoke to Fancy Feast yesterday, and as expected, he asked if he could move back. I said No Income, No Belmore.

Then he explained that he still has an income. He is working for the same company "remotely" from home. (Aside: That is MY dream, but it will never happen for me.) He is part-time now, 20 hours per week, but said he would request to be brought up to full time, 40 hours. Then, working remotely, he could move back to Montreal. Apparently, the company has a guy working full-time remotely from Saskatchewan right now, so it can be done. My skepticism was palpable.

He said he has five choices of where he would like to live.

1. Vancouver
2. Victoria (because he loves both these cities and "knows people there")
3. Ottawa (home)
4. Montreal (me)
5. Winnipeg. Now Winnipeg is only an option because when he was hitch-hiking West this summer he stopped there for a bit and met these two sisters who invited him to stay overnight and before he said anything else he said "Don't Judge Me!"

Ah, Fancy Feast. I think my sister summed it up best when she said "Don't let that goof back in your house".

FF update

2011-11-17T10:33:00.002-05:00

Fancy Feast is working part-time from home until the end of the year. This is not ideal. He is thinking it is time to move "back east".

He won't take a full time job that pays less than $60 grand. Even in Calgary that is not easy when you are as unbalanced as he is. *sigh*

He wants me to call him to have "a chat". We all know what this means, right?

I love this

2011-11-15T12:03:00.002-05:00

The Guardian website today has an article about knitting dolls of your fave Olympic athlete. Now I like Usain Bolt as much as the next person does, but why would I want to do this? It's so silly.

Romantic Male Box: Non-Insane Edition

2011-11-14T09:27:00.004-05:00

I met someone new over the weekend, and he is not insane and does not suspect that I am an electronic rapist. So ssshhhh! okay?

Anyway, I know there are some who are still mourning the non-starter that was the mystery man from Huntingdon, but perhaps this will be a bit o'balm on that wound.

This fellow is from Laval. (Yeah, I know, ewwww Laval.) When I told him I was originally from V'Field, he asked whereabouts in V'Field. I said: You know V'Field? And then he said he used to have a girlfriend who was from....wait for it....St. Polycarpe. And then he dated another woman from....Riviere Beaudette. And he knew someone (a relative? I can't remember) who was a psychiatrist at the V'Field hospital. And he has been to Parc Sauve to watch the Regattes a few times. (Unlike me.) So when I said we lived about halfway between the hospital and the Laroque Bridge, he knew it. Weird.

So I asked him if he had a thing for women from that part of the world? He just laughed. Guess so.

Good Neighbours

2011-11-09T15:50:00.002-05:00

I took the afternoon off. Came home and did lots of yard work. It being Wednesday, the Publi Sac fliers are being delivered.

As I was raking I saw the Publi Sac guys go by, so I went to the front porch and retrieved my bag. But today there were TWO bags. The second bag contained a free roll of toilet paper! Something of actual value.

It was about 3:00 p.m. and nobody was around. The CPN was not home, nor were his neighbours across the street or next door to him. Nor was my across-the-street neighbour. i.e. No Witnesses.

So I walked next door and stole the CPN's free roll of toilet paper. Yep! I did it. And I can't stop grinning about it. Winter's coming and he's going to piss me off for another snow shovelling season, so hey, there's no harm is taking a bit of advance revenge. Nyeh, nyeh.

The eternal dilemma

2011-11-09T11:18:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I was so happy because I read the story of the woman in Newfoundland who is 106 years old and eats pizza and fries. My hero.

But then today I see that the fat aptly-named rapper Heavy D dropped dead at age 44.

You can't win. Statistically speaking I'd imagine that for every 106-year-old pizza-eating woman, there are ten fatties not making it to 50. Sigh.

Presently Occupied

2011-11-07T13:53:00.003-05:00

It's a perfect fall day, so I took a few minutes to stroll at lunch time.

I hadn't yet seen the Occupy Montreal campground, even though they are set up only one block away from work. So I went by. They seem very orderly and quiet. A few passersby, checking out their signs and posters, but overall not much happening.

I hope it stays that way.

Romantic Male Box - Sunday Morning Lunatic Edition

2011-11-06T10:08:00.005-05:00

Over the past week, I had been emailing a 40-something fellow, with a possibility of meeting up. He seemed okay, but on his end, he shared far more intimate details than I did. It was a bit odd, but certainly not that unusual for a Craigslist posting.

On Wednesday, I asked him to provide a photo and I would send one in return. He said he didn't have his phone with him, so he would send one the next day. He didn't. The next day he asked if we could set up a day and time for a date. I said, okay, but I thought "no photo, no date, Jack".

We decided on Sunday at 7.On Friday I asked him once again to provide a pic. He wrote back one line: "You send one first and I'll return the favour. Thanks." At that point I decided screw you, I don't need this game. One thing I know about CL, if the guy doesn't happily send a photo, something is fishy. Usually, he's married. So I said I am suspicious of you and I am no longer interested in meeting.
Well...then I got a photo. He was not at all attractive to me, so I was kind of relieved that I'd already dropped out.

But then last night came the ranting. Did you know I am an evil person who only lures men over the internet with no intention of ever meeting them? I should inform Fancy Feast and Smoothie of this. I'm sure they have no idea I am such an evil fake.

But the best line was that he had shared intimate details and I had "electronically raped" him. Yikes! I'm an electronic rapist. Who knew? Should I register with the police? Electronically?

I ignored that rant but then this morning, he sent me the same rant again from a different email account. So I wrote back and said he had confirmed my suspicions that he was a drama queen and I was very glad that I had chosen not to meet him.

Well...you know what I am now? A "scumbag". And I am NEVER to contact him AGAIN!
I'm glad I have a good nut job detector. (Well, except for FF, of course, but he's a safe nut job. He is a risk only to my wallet.)

Andy Rooney died

2011-11-05T10:13:00.000-04:00

and the world is a little less cranky today.

The Biebs

2011-11-04T21:00:00.004-04:00

I figured I can't let the week end without one comment on the Bieber Baby story.

Kid, there is only one man who can tell you how to deal with a) your celebrity and b) endless babes throwing themselves at you. And that man's name is Gene Simmons. Seek him out. Listen to him. You will have the best life evah!

Job opportunity

2011-11-03T09:36:00.002-04:00

I see that the 90-year-old American churchy nut who twice predicted the world would end this year and was wrong both times, or so it seems, has resigned.

Clearly, two big mistakes in the same year would result in a negative performance review from his boss, God.

I want that job. I can predict wrongly with the best of them. I'll pick a date and ask gullible fools to support my ministry. I'll giggle as I watch them give away all their belongings. Then when the day passes uneventfully, I'll say sorry and go back to my predicting, but I'll wait a year because I don't want two mistakes in the same year.

Pre-Winter Freezing Over of Hell

2011-11-02T13:37:00.002-04:00

Two days ago, I got a long tale-of-woe email from Fancy Feast that he was dead broke, and the payroll dept had messed up his pay and he had no money until Wednesday. I ignored that email because if ever there was an "Intro to Asking for Money in the Next E-Mail" that was it.

Yesterday, I heard from him again but only to argue about my thoughtlessness in not FedExing him 2 (yes, 2) loaves of olive bread. I said, it ain't gonna happen, let it go, etc. And that drama seems over.

But now, lo and behold, I have just received another email, saying that he did receive his pay and he is ready to send me $100 to begin repaying his debt. Of course, saying he's going to repay and actually repaying are two different things, but given all of debt woes of the past two days, I am rather shocked by the offer. Maybe he's going to want to trade the $100 for olive bread? I don't trust him.

Hair, Beautiful Hair

2011-10-31T09:52:00.003-04:00

There is an advertisement in the Metro that makes me laugh every morning.

It is for wigs. It pictures a man and a woman, both with thought bubbles imagining how they would look in a great wig. The woman is fine. Let us assume she'd like to look more like Lady Gaga, whatever.

But the guy is looking wistfully up and both the images of him in a wig are laughably sleeeezy. And he's not even bald. I love the idea of a decent-looking guy thinking "Man, I wish I looked like a total sleaze bag."

The World Series - Go Cards!

2011-10-28T08:57:00.003-04:00

I've had a cold all week, so I went to bed around the 6th inning of last night's game. Texas had just gone ahead 5-4, and I thought the very idea of seeing George W's team win the World Series would just make me sicker, so I turned off the t.v.

This morning I read this:

"It was as great a game as baseball has ever witnessed, rivaling the Carlton Fisk homer in Game 6 of the 1975 Series and Bill Buckner's error in Game 6 of the 1986 Series. "

My motto: Life is what happens after I've gone to bed.

This being said, I would not have wanted to stay up to watch 11 innings. My nerves! Anyway I am happy to see there's a Game 7 tonight, and I really, really hope George W goes home disappointed.

More FF

2011-10-25T20:48:00.003-04:00

I told FF that I had recently started using the breadmaker I bought way back in April. In particular, I mentioned that I was very happy with the olive bread I made on the weekend.

I have now received 2 emails requesting that I send him a loaf of olive bread by FedEx. I said no. Nothing personal, but I don't FedEx bread to anyone, anywhere.

What kind of person thinks he can convince someone to send bread across the country by courier?

Finally, a Fancy Feast Update

2011-10-25T10:57:00.003-04:00

FF is quitting his job. We can't be surprised. It's been a whole 7 weeks!

He says there is too much overtime, and he feels like "a mule". But...he claims he has another job lined up already. Calgary, magical city of jobs.

I think it is time to start the countdown toward the inevitable "I'm homesick and I want to come back" email. I say it will arrive in early in November.

Out with the Old, in with the New

2011-10-20T13:51:00.003-04:00

In a nice bit of foreshadowing, two weeks ago we received a notice to all staff that the name of Libya is now "Libya."

I was disappointed. I always liked writing "Libyan Arab Jamahiriya" once I finally got the hang of spelling Jamahiriya correctly. When am I ever going to use that knowledge again? ....waiting for another Arab strongman to surface...

The Circle of Life

2011-10-20T09:45:00.003-04:00

With the death news out of the way, let us focus on international baby news.

Creepy little French president Sarkozy and his beautiful wife (Carla, she of questionable taste in men) had a baby girl. Congratulations to them. I'm sure I speak for all of humanity when I say I hope the baby looks like her. Mazel tov.

No Mo' Mo

2011-10-20T09:06:00.003-04:00

He said he'd go down fighting and it appears he did. Graphic photo on the Gazette website. This will make him a hero for generations of people who will want to fight "Western imperialism".

Alas, Mo, he stuck around for a good long time. Reagan bombed Libya in 1985 or 1986. And still Mo hung around.

If I had a power-blue jumpsuit, I would wear it in his honour. But I don't. And now I guess I never will.

I'm on my soap box

2011-10-17T16:15:00.001-04:00

Just a quick rant about that crash at the Indy race yesterday and the driver who was killed. There were a few quotes in the paper today from other drivers saying things like "I can't believe this happened!" etc.

Excuse me. But you are in a job where at any given race, there is a certain percentage of ghouls, I mean spectators, who have specifically bought tickets in the hope of witnessing exactly what happened: a fiery death crash. Best. Race.Ever.

Hope they all captured it on their cell phone cameras. That's a big appeal of this sport.

And drivers are surprised that this accident happened? How ridiculous. Rant over.

Running Man

2011-10-17T09:51:00.003-04:00

A 100-year-old man completed the Toronto Marathon yesterday. Hmmm. What did I do yesterday?

1. Did not complete a marathon.
2. Walked 1 1/2 blocks to the mall TWICE.

The man weighs only 115 lbs. Maybe the wind carried him? If I understand the story correctly, he started jogging at age 80. So I guess I've got 30 years before I need to start thinking about getting in shape. Phew. Had me worried there.

Saturday night at the movies

2011-10-16T10:50:00.003-04:00

We went to see Ides of March last night. I enjoyed it, but was a bit disappointed that it wasn't meatier given the great cast. Perhaps my enjoyment was tarnished by listening to Smoothie declare how old Gorgeous George is looking.

It's true. Our cohort, George, is showing his age. But that's okay. I mean, he's 50. He's old. We're old. That's life.

Smoothie's other complaint was...get this!....too much Ryan Gosling! As if. He said it was 50% Ryan Gosling and 5% percent of everybody else.

And the problem is....?

Nation of Wimps

2011-10-14T15:56:00.004-04:00

There's currently a rainfall warning for the island of Montreal. A rainfall warning.

When did we become such pansies that we need a warning about rain.

Snowstorm warning, I get. Freezing rain, I get. Extreme cold, I get. But rain?

Jeez, take an umbrella! Wear trendy colourful rubber boots. This isn't Bangkok, we are not up to our armpits in water.

Just overheard at my desk

2011-10-14T14:37:00.002-04:00

Two colleagues pass each other in the hallway.

Colleague 1: Hey, you look different today!
Colleague 2: Yes, I do.

She keeps walking away. Then

Colleague 2: Casual.

Am I in a Beckett play?
Yes, I am.

Just Stop It Already

2011-10-12T19:47:00.002-04:00

Why are the Americans jonesing for another war in the Middle East? I mean, really, this will be their third. Gluttons.

Just when I think Obama a.k.a Black Bush can't get any more disappointing he ratchets up the Bushiness. This is stuff to warm the cockles of Cheney's cold, cold heart, if he still had one.

I hate to go all "Mom" on them, but if you haven't finished your Soup War and your Meat-and-Potatoes War, you can't have your Dessert War. That's just the rules.

Excuse me while I go check if there is an Iranian terrorist in my closet. Apparently they are everywhere. Everywhere, I tells ya. Save the Saudis!!

Is No News Good News?

2011-10-12T11:40:00.000-04:00

Anyone have any news? I don't.

Celebrity Death News - Niche Edition

2011-10-07T11:03:00.000-04:00

Our dear friend, Charles Napier,
Didn’t have a wit so rapier,
But in Cherry, Harry & Raquel
We saw his wang swing like a bell.

Hee Hee

2011-10-06T09:59:00.002-04:00

I got up late this morning and knew I was going to be late for work, but so what. I would just put in the time at the end of the day. Then I was on the bus ride from hell. What should take 35 minutes took 55. So by the time I crawled in I was 40 minutes late.

Then I found out my boss isn't in this morning.

This is my Lucky Day!! and, no, I am not putting in the time at the end of the day.

A Joke

2011-10-05T09:18:00.002-04:00

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

You know what I love about this joke. The premise. Two cannibals are eating a clown.

I mean...What?

Endless Summer No More

2011-10-03T13:46:00.003-04:00

Summer has ended and I am hoping that it will be June 2012 before I once again have to read either of the following phrases:

a) [insert celebrity name] rocks a bikini;
and
b) [insert celebrity name] shows off her bikini body.

Why is the bikini the only item of clothing that, when one is wearing it, one's whole body becomes that item. I don't get it. I think all clothes should now have this honour. I want to see this headline:

"Nanuk of the North flaunts her muumuu body"

Oh yeah, baby.

The Man from H'don

2011-10-03T13:27:00.002-04:00

This is just to clarify that the man from H'don did not at all come across as a loser.

His message was very polite and in fact I don't think I would've even noticed him if he hadn't mentioned V'field. That may sound negative, but in the world of Craigslist that's a positive. It means he didn't send me a photo of his wiener (yes, I've gotten some choice shots in the past) and he didn't say write some eye-rolling nonsense like "allow me to make this the greatest night of your life".

So don't be dissing on the Mystery Man from the Chateauguay Valley.

I think we could probably locate him now by just driving over there and looking for the guy with the reddest ears in town.

Comrades!

2011-10-02T13:34:00.003-04:00

I am in the midst of doing some rainy Sunday decluttering, and I have come across a piece of paper containing the title DRINK MANIFESTO.

Odd, but I don't remember us being militant drinkers. Were we ever militant drinkers?

Our DRINK MANIFESTO has 3 drinks on it:
1. Cosmopolitain Martini
2. Cosmopolitain No. 3
3. Fidelito

Now I don't want to toss out this piece of paper. That's the whole problem with decluttering. You always find something good!

P.S. To JAW Fan: I also found a picture of Banana Boy.

Romantic Male Box: Uh-Oh Edition

2011-10-02T11:19:00.002-04:00

What an awful weekend. Could the weather be more miserable? I doubt it.

Last night I was bored, so I decided to place an ad on my old friend Craigslist and see if anyone of interest surfaced. Very little to report, though I did hear from a guy who lives on Mariette so if location, location, location is the key, I can't do better than that. But his lifestyle bears too close a resemblance to Fancy Feast's (i.e. POT) so I don't think I'll meet him.

I exchanged a few emails with one guy who seemed educated and promising, but then he mentioned that his ideal woman would be thin, nervous and an activist. 3 strikes, you're out.

Then I heard from a guy who said he lived in the V'Field area. Well, this piqued my interest because I still love V'Field and wouldn't it be fun to meet someone from there? He is 49. So I asked him where exactly he is from and he replied: "H'don". Yikes. So I had to ask if he attended CVR, and he said yes. I decided this was a bit too odd. So this mystery man was a year behind me in high school, and still lives in H'don. For sure, this is someone that the Anonymous siblings know. Too close for comfort. So I had to let it drop, though I am very curious as to who it is. He emailed this morning to ask if I'd reconsidered. I think not.

All is Golden

2011-09-30T13:37:00.003-04:00

I'll admit I've been ignoring Parliament now that the PCs have their majority, but I can ignore it no longer. I have one question.

When did Question Period go Gay, Gay, Totally Gay?

Since when is it appropriate for one gay MP to question another gay MP about golden showers?

Sir Wilfried Laurier would not stand for this I'm sure. Trudeau no doubt would ask the two of them to keep their golden shower references in the bedroom* where the state has no business.

(*maybe the bathroom would be better.)

Creepy Guy

2011-09-29T21:45:00.001-04:00

You know which commercial I hate? The Lenscrafters one where the guy is on the bus and laughing about a book that a woman is reading three or four seats in front of him.

Creepy!

He's a stalker! Get off the bus, girl. Get off the bus at the next stop! That guy is a creep. Run away! Run away!

Let's Play "Explain the Joke"

2011-09-28T09:54:00.002-04:00

Here is a "joke" that JAW Fan's colleague told him yesterday.
Our mission today: 1) to explain what the joke is and 2) to figure out what anyone would find funny about this, i.e. who laughs at this kind of joke.

There was an old Chinese man named Too Old To Kum.
He married a young Chinese woman named Too Young To Kum.
But then surprisingly they had a baby, so they called him Where He Kum From.

Editor's Note: I spelled "come" as kum in a feeble attempt to make these names appear remotely Asian.

Black Arm-Bands for Everyone

2011-09-27T13:56:00.001-04:00

I will simply reproduce this article from TMZ because what more can I say?

The SNACK GOD who invented DORITOS has passed away ... but TMZ has learned his funeral is nacho average ceremony ... 'cause the guy will be buried with 3 FLAVORS of his prized invention. Arch West -- the 97-year-old ex-Frito-Lay legend -- died last week, and his daughter announced the family plans on "tossing Doritos chips in before they put the dirt over the urn" when he is buried.TMZ spoke with West's son-in-law ... who tells us the family will use Original, Cool Ranch and Nacho flavored Doritos, since those were West's favorite. He was NOT a fan of the Cheeseburger flavor, so those will not be used. According to his daughter, West came up with the idea for Doritos during a family vacation to San Diego ... when he discovered a snack shack selling fried tortilla chips in 1961. Snack strong in heaven, Arch.

Runnin' Scared

2011-09-26T10:11:00.003-04:00

So yesterday a guy died while running the Montreal Marathon. He collapsed 2 k's from the end.

Well, that's all the warning I need. For my own safety, I need to abandon my feeble attempts at exercise. It's too dangerous.

In other health news, I bought another bag of the organic child labour chips. mmm mmm good.

Blog Update

2011-09-25T09:24:00.002-04:00

I draw your attention to the right-hand column where I have added links to Jim's blog and Brian's blog for eee-zee access.

Happy Bruce Day

2011-09-23T12:44:00.002-04:00

Springsteen is 62 today.

He's got 12 years on me, so why do I feel old and decrepit?

Apocalypse Today

2011-09-22T14:46:00.002-04:00

It's the end of the world as we know it. Not only are all world stock markets going wheeee like they are on the roller coaster at the Great Escape, but in bigger apocalyptic news: there is nothing new with Fancy Feast.

I had not heard from him in a week, so I emailed to say (literally) whazzup? He said Nothing. If you can't trust FF to have some cockamamy tale about how somebody, somewhere is treating him unfairly, well, then might as well throw in the towel.

Stick a fork in us, we're done.

RIP REM

2011-09-21T15:29:00.004-04:00

REM have broken up. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I was a huge fan over the first 5 or 6 records, but I haven't been excited about them for years.

(Aside: As Mr. Anon and I discussed a few weeks ago, at our age, are we truly ever excited about anything in music, books, concerts, etc., anymore? Answer: No.)

Anyway, I saw REM for the first time in Washington D.C. at the DAR Constitutional Hall. It was great. I loved them. And I loved them for a long time.

Not to sound too much like old crank, but after Bill Berry left, I was not much into them anymore even though I continued to buy their records. Then they got really big....and....meh...they were just another big band.

Oh well. I enjoyed them and appreciated them, and there are some songs, many songs, I will always like. Thanks, you guys!

Work

2011-09-21T10:49:00.002-04:00

An email from Mrs. Anon has reminded me of something funny at work.

Our Big Boss is a woman from China, with a typically Chinese name. One of the people in my department cannot remember her name so she always refers to her as "Ping Pong".

Even though I am totally appalled, I still find myself smiling at this. It's just so wrong.

Another colleague used to have a boss from West Africa who spent a lot of time on the phone speaking her native language. My colleague would complain that all day she had to listen to "ooga booga language" . Again, I'm appalled, but I can't help but laugh, mainly because I don't think people realize how horrible and ignorant they are being.

What a place.

The Earth Moved

2011-09-19T10:29:00.001-04:00

I was lying on the couch with Miss Hitler yesterday afternoon, and I felt that unmistakeable rumble of an earthquake. Just for one or two seconds. But that sound and feeling is unique.

I looked at the headlines in the paper today and nothing. But I just checked the CBC website and read that a small 4.1 hit Gatineau at 3:19 p.m.

The article did not mention that it was felt in Montreal, but I am here to say, yes, it was felt in Montreal, at least on one couch in NDG. It wasn't just Miss Hitler shifting her fat rump.

In Work News

2011-09-16T11:09:00.002-04:00

In a moment of insanity a couple of weeks back, I agreed to take on the editing of our Annual Report. My burnt-out colleague, who has been doing this task for 15, count'em 15, years, said she just could not face it for another year. I always felt it was wrong that the same person got assigned this "thing" year after year, so I said yeh, why not? I'll do it.

Of course, my boss, Mrs. Never Think Outside The Box, said, okay, great idea. But did it EVER occur to her in 12 years to assign the task to someone else? No, of course not.

It's going to be awful. A coordination nightmare of missed deadlines and uncooperative departments. But there ya go. It's my baby now. Just had our first meeting. Next meeting is on Monday.

I should post a picture of my hair today, while it still has some brown in it. And then post another next July when I am totally Clooney grey.

RIP Dave

2011-09-14T21:57:00.002-04:00

As this week marked the 3rd anniversary of the death of David Foster Wallace, I finally got around to buying his unfinished novel.

Silly me, I thought it was a work-in-progress, how big could it be? Well, the thing is a brick. Only DFW would have a 550-page UNfinished book.=

I miss that man.

The Truth is Revealed

2011-09-12T21:26:00.003-04:00

I went to the website of the Late July snack company, makers of uber yummy Dude Ranch chips.

And I read this: "Not only are all our products USDA certified organic and proudly wear the organic seal, but on any given day you can find three generations at work, including eight-year-old Stephen and four-year-old Benjamin."

So now we know. The secret of a truly great chip? Child labour.

I have seen the future, baby, it is....taxes

2011-09-12T10:35:00.003-04:00

I'm just bursting with predictions today.

As we all know (or should know) the world economy is in the "shitter", to use the economic term. I note this news from Greece: "Greece announced an emergency property tax of about 50 cents per square foot on all buildings, payable immediately, in a effort to top up government coffers enough to meet bailout conditions."

Payable immediately! Government says we're broke, so pay up now. They will be imposing the tax through people's electric bills. Face it, we are all going to be met with this kind of surprise in upcoming years. Every goverment is going broke. And who is going to pay? Little ole us.

When I get that bill, you know what I'm going to say? "Don't look at me! Don't look at me!"

Weekend Roundup

2011-09-12T10:07:00.002-04:00

I can't decide when I like Serena Williams better: 1) when she is overpowering and literally awesome to watch, when you think she just cannot be beat by anyone on Earth, like she was on Saturday or 2) when she is full sassy kookoo like she was on Sunday. My new expression whenever someone disagrees with me is going to be "Don't look at me! Don't look at me!" And then I will say "You are ugly on the inside". She was lousy on the court but crazily entertaining on the sidelines.

I've discovered a new chip! And a deelishious one it is. The company is called Late July and the chips I bought are called Dude Ranch. And they are dudalishly delish. And the best thing about them. I bought them at the HEALTH FOOD store, so of course they are very, very healthy and have no calories. Not a single calorie! ....at least I think that's what health-food chips are like. Well, I believe it. So it's true. NO CALORIES!

Now I'm not a terrorist, nor have I ever played one on t.v., but if I was a terrorist, I would not plan to bomb something on the anniversary date of the big event, when security is at its highest. I would wait, say, maybe a day or two, say on a Tuesday, when the barriers have come down and everyone is back to normal. Then....Surprise!

The Return of the Missing Kid

2011-09-11T22:00:00.002-04:00

There's something very fishy about this story of the little boy abducted in BC and now back with his family.

Let me make one of my fearless (and usually wrong) predictions. The parents were in on it. Maybe they want a book deal or something, or just wanted attention. But something's not kosher about the kid ending up back in his own house in the middle of the night.

Just sayin'.

Riddle

2011-09-10T18:30:00.001-04:00

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?
You stop milking a cow after 10 years.

Enough already.

Government Orders

2011-09-08T22:20:00.002-04:00

The Harper Govt informed me that I had 24 hours to change the name of the blog.

Headline of the Day

2011-09-07T09:33:00.000-04:00

"Intruder raids fridge, takes bath at Celine Dion's home"

That's no intruder, that's Rene.

A little touch of Fancy Feast in the evening

2011-09-06T21:25:00.002-04:00

Got a little email from FF telling me about his new room-mates.

He says one of them is a good and generous guy, but "his social skills could use some work". Apparently, "he needs to have everyone's attention....and doesn't stop talking".

I am tempted to say: "Honey, that's not a room-mate, that's a mirror".

A Holiday from our Labours

2011-09-05T11:40:00.005-04:00

A very happy very rainy Labour Day greeting to all. Why can't I sleep in past 7:30 on weekends? It is so frustrating.

Still no Fancy Feast news. I'm convinced that renaming the blog put a curse on FF updates. I may change it back if this trend continues.

But fortunately, we'll always have Kumar. Being a holiday weekend, a visit from Kumar was not unexpected, but I was caught off guard (translation: with both cheeks smeared with face cream!) when I saw an unfamiliar car stop in front of the house. An unfamiliar Mercedes. And who emerges from it, but Kumar himself.

After rapidly wiping aforesaid face cream from face, I greeted him in my usual warm and loving way i.e. "What are you doing here? You couldn't call or email first?" He said: "You know me. I'm like that." True, if I haven't learnt to expect the unexpected after 3 (!) years, then I am indeed a slower learner.

So I went out front to check out the Mercedes. He had told me in the Spring he'd bought a used one, a 2003. But, skeptic, that I am, I scoffed. But there it was. Still in good shape and very very nice. He's thinking of selling it. I want to buy it! A woman of my stature deserves a Merc in her 50s. No?

He said he is very materialistic, but the things he buys don't make him happy for long. At least he has accepted this about himself. Will he stop buying status symbols? No, probably not. But at least he knows they don't do much in terms of fulfiling his needs. I understand that...and yet...I still want to buy that car!